Two nights ago I laid in my bed trying to sleep. My mind was active and as I laid thinking, I started to hear muffled distant voices in my head. At first they spoke without any clarity but I knew they were there. I knew what it was. After a little while I found myself listening to two women arguing over a cake which one had baked. They began to shout at oneanother loudly in my head.
One voice accusing the other that she had baked the cake wrong and that they should taste the cake to see if it was suitable to eat. The other woman did not want the cake touched and was convinced that it would be fine.
Their presence was strong but I knew what I had to do.
Many years ago, I learnt not to fight with my voices, not to try and get them out of my thoughts but work with them. Accept their presence. So, the other night I just tried to relax and listen to their conversation.
When I first listened, their presence grew stronger and stronger. It did not scare me and I didnt let it aggeravate me.
Although I didnt want it to happen, I found it fascinating. For a while I let them have their say and when I thought the time was right, I gently said to myslef, enough now, go.
Then waited and when there was a 'lull' in their words I repeated my words strongly but calmly, asking them to go. In which they did and I fell asleep.
This is a very rare occurance for me now. I havent heard a conversation like that, which has been so strong with so much clarity, for a very long time.
In the past I used to feel very threatened by my voices and used to fight them and want them out of my thoughts. I learnt that the more I fought with them, the more I feared them, the stronger they became in their abusive words and daily presence in my life.
I found that a personal acceptance of my voices and treating them with a calm approach, which had to be practiced, weakened them and over the years they have dissappeared or at least dont have the strong presence they once had.
I dont know why this happened to me the other night, I dont know why the voices were triggered. If I do have experiences with voices now, they are very distant, in the back of my mind. I know they are there, still feel their presence, they are with me now as I write these words, these words are the trigger. But, they have no strength. There is nothing for them to prove, nothing for them to fight or harm.
I have found over the years, as my confidence and self belief has grown stronger, the abuse has stopped. I believe the voices I once experienced were created by my inner self, my own persoanl doubts in life, my lack of belief and low self esteem, how I thought others viewed me, which was in a very poor light.
What was unsual for me, with the conversation the other night, was, that these voices were abusing oneanother and not me directly. Im not sure Ive experienced that before.
Stuart Baker-Brown.
Posted by Stuart Baker-Brown at September 26, 2007 04:31 PM