"Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them."
A few thousand years ago, and I'd be a Shaman. I can't be a modern Shaman? So, now what? It's hard to fight, uphill, all the time. Against culture, and expectation. Knowing that all I have to do is just keep quiet, and not tell anyone about the way I am. Nobody would ever know, if I didn't choose to tell them. Why do I do it?
"Use the Force, Luke."
Well, I can be pretty sure that I wasn't given the placebo. Yesterday morning I felt a little dizzy and had a head-ache. But today, it had escalated to not being able to stand. I was continuously falling into things and loosing consiousness. After crashing around the bathroom for a time, unsuccessfully attempting to get dressed, I called the research people. Then, I discovered how disorganized my thoughts were. I couldn't speak correctly! I tried to tell her I was having "side effects" but it came out "heart attacks" repeatedly! I get to stop the drug, and then they'll talk with me about it on my Wednesday appointment. They want to try tapering me on it slower. Fuck that! Up until the last month, I hadn't taken ANY anti-psychotics for over a year. Then, I got it in my head that maybe I should experiment with them again... That maybe I didn't give them a chance. Rediculous! Now I'm getting a well-needed wake-up call, reminding me of why I was doing so well without the drugs in the first place!
I'm feeling much better now, thanks to an extremely short half-life of the drug. I'm glad I don't have to take it today or tomorrow, or the next morning. I really want that $200 for the study, though. I'll have to listen to what suggestions they have. I managed to go to work today, after pacing around and drinking lots of water to get some of the drug out of my system. I was doing just peachy with my old, stable self before. Chemical lobotomies are bad M'kay?
My Chinese food came with two fortunes:
"You will have good luck in your personal affairs."
"Adversity is the test for strong men."
I'm going to start the drug or placebo tomorrow. Just to remind everyone, this isn't a treatment plan. It's just my little contribution to the field of schizophrenia research. I'm relieved that they did a lot of muscle tests on me today, because I want to make sure I stop the drug if I get the usual EPS side-effects. I choose to assume that I'm going on a placebo, because then I'm less likely to focus on whether or not I'll be seeing side-effects!
I had a really bad morning, but I'm feeling better now. An argument (that is now resolved) left me with negligible sleep hours, and I couldn't take any preventative anti-psychotic medications because I'm going to be starting the test drug soon. This morning, my really bad hallucinations lasted long into the afternoon. I kept wishing that I was physically sick, so that I could stay home from my volunteer time at the zoo. But alas, I was well, and had to make the trip to the zoo alone with my brain worms. At one point, I thought I was vomiting up long bunches of hair! But, I'm sure that was just a hallucination, because, well, I don't eat large amounts of hair. So I perservered, because I won't let my brain worms be the reason for staying home. I can't let that happen. If I let it happen once, it will happen more often. And then, I'll be crippled. But the zoo time was hard to not react to things in front of the keepers.
Well, the unexpected (finally?) happened. Sometimes, things just suck. And this, in particular, really sucks because I've been preparing for Initiation into a Coven long before I even knew I was. This evening, I was politely and lovingly excused from my training group due to the potential risks of Initiating somebody with schizophrenia. I'm not really going to post the details. My buddies, who are still in the group, can ask me about it privately, if you weren't given specifics already. On the way home, I was told, "sorry we chickened out on ya'." I said, "You didn't 'chicken out' on me as friends, and that's what counts." I really want to stay friends with everyone. Being in the group has really changed my life for the better, and it's been an experience I will never forget. I had some of the best moments of my life, and definitely the best feeling of belonging I've ever had, with them. There needs to be a word that means more than just family. I really wish that I could have stayed with them through the rest of everything we're going through. I don't think that they made the right decision, but I realize that the decision has been made.
So, of course, I shall be indulging in an evening of sobbing, hugging my Fiance, and munching on chocolate. It's very much like a break-up, you know. Sometimes, things are challenging, even if you are following your bliss.