Insanity: A Look Into a Fractured Mind

Hi my name is Bower and I have been diagnosed schizoaffective, not that labels mean all that much but it does if you want services and all that good stuff

Anyhow I turned 37 yesterday and am coming out of the dark grips of full blown Psychosis. It was not as bad as it has been in the past but bad. Imagine not being able to go outside of fear that they will watch you and eventually shoot you. I had to go to work one day for an hour and every car that came up beside me on the high way had a gun. The voices screaming all these things that I was doing and knowing that any minute I would die. When I got to work I couldn't do much before heading home.

A family member of mine is poisoning me with antifreeze the voices whisper every time I leave a soda in the room while their at my house. My delusions can get pretty scary too like people doing things behind my back to the extent of the phone ringing and strangers telling me what all my family is doing against me. Later we check the calls and no one on the caller ids

Right now Risperadol is my main drug, but I take 11 different ones. My doctor just a couple weeks ago slammed me with Haldol and now I am coming into the calm but we are still trying to get me to sleep through the night. I take 6mg Lunesta and 2 mg Lorazapam and I wake at 230am and toss till I cant stand it any longer and get out of bed.

Now today I am feeling so much better. Voices are and will always be there mainly to annoy me if for no other purpose. Paranoia is base line too just causing some pain and agitation some of the delusions are ever present like being poisoned but all of that is just baseline Bower for you.

I work at a Target here in Idaho 10 hours per week. It was 15 but when stuff started hitting the fan my doctor said to lower the hours and see if I can manage that. I love music all but rap and be-bop. Like animals especially snakes. I had to get rid of the retics, my favorite of all pythons. So I have a boa now. She will grow up some day though. I don't really have any friends other than my wife who is my best friend. I have people who say they are friends but you know how that goes if the want or need something you're a buddy, other wise well talk later. When I was diagnosed and had to stop working I lost the best friend I could have asked for other than my wife. Not sure why. Did he think I was contagious, the stigma or some other stuff. Who the heck knows but that is all behind me and I am a home body anyways who would probably have even more troubles if I had a friend as I hate getting out in and around people.

I also found out, when I was 24, that the father I new as dad and had mourned for 8 years was not my father. I found out that my real "birth father" was alive and kickin in Oregon. What sucked was I never knew the dad that was dead as he was a musician and was divorced from my mom so I never really got to do much with him but he claimed me as his to all for mine and my mom's sake. My "birth father" met me told me off as he was pissed I was sick and that my soon to be daughter was going to be born to probably have the same issues I have. I learned that I was his only biological kid but just like that he said these things I told him to go to hell haven't heard from him in 10 years.

Well enough about me for now. I will try and write day to day time things, post poems and stuff. This was a get to know a small part of Bower so see you later.

Signed,

Bower