Insanity: A Look Into a Fractured Mind

well i go to the dr today hopefully she can get me off the haldol and on abilify i still feel out of touch with everything people are strangers and my perceptions of things are off as well. i always think everyone is after me or conspiring against me for some reason or another. when i look into the mirror it is a stranger looking at me and i am tired of it. i strive for the "normal" life yet it is always unatainable

haldol is killing me i know it is poisoning me and makes me shake so bad I have a hard time being compliant with my meds when i am taking the haldol

i am very irritable too just feel like i am on the edge all the time

well for the first time i slept mostly through the night. fel;t really really good. my wife got a new puppy and it whined in the night but didnt bother me to much first time in months since i slept that good.

i have to go food shopping in about 10 minutes we have no food in the house

it is hard when your income is ssdi t o make ends meet.

haldol is still killing me.

i am trying ti learn how to run a buget as our money seems to just vanish each month slipping through the cracks. i am not good with finances so i have alot to learn

well a night of no rest i take it. sleeping pills are not working the voices are loud again and the night is long before me.

here is a poem i wrote

A Strung Puppet

with the breaking of down a new mask i put on
for there are several stored here, in my mangled and messed up head
some show happiness, others are sad
but all serve a purpose and for this i am glad
for they are all me, they make up my life
far from reality, living a lie?
these may be true, but it is how i survive
for my emmotions are fleeting, they constantly change
insanity, infesting my brain, makes me mentally deranged
people, they look at me, but who is it that they see
definitly not the creature, but neither is it me
it is only a strung puppet, played by the beast

copywrite 1996

that was written in 1996. i have tons most, however, i can not publish on this site as they are graphic in nature.

the shaking was getting worse and i was doing better so the dr lowered the haldol a little but the symptoms are coming back i would have to say. i want to get off haldol and start abilify again with the risperadol on board at least for a while. this whole haldol thing is killing me
not sure how much longer i can keep my job either been there a few months and it is really taking a toll on my mind and wellness

hey all you guys well my day is just zipping by had to go shopping with my wife then to the bank and then pick our daughter up from school. the voices are at about baseline range 1 to 10 10 th worst then baseline is 5.
that is about normal as normal can be for me. i have tardive disconesia not sure the spelling of that. it was stopped with meds but when i had to go back onto haldol the shakes are coming back. pretty bad. are next step is to start abilify and get me off the hoaldol soon hope it stops the shakes

I am so proud though i am ussually med compliant and i function enough to know that if i dont take them then i feel like crap worse than the other crap when i do take them.. i figure it is a trade off and to me thinking better is the best for the praice paid.

signed,

Bower

Hi my name is Bower and I have been diagnosed schizoaffective, not that labels mean all that much but it does if you want services and all that good stuff

Anyhow I turned 37 yesterday and am coming out of the dark grips of full blown Psychosis. It was not as bad as it has been in the past but bad. Imagine not being able to go outside of fear that they will watch you and eventually shoot you. I had to go to work one day for an hour and every car that came up beside me on the high way had a gun. The voices screaming all these things that I was doing and knowing that any minute I would die. When I got to work I couldn't do much before heading home.

A family member of mine is poisoning me with antifreeze the voices whisper every time I leave a soda in the room while their at my house. My delusions can get pretty scary too like people doing things behind my back to the extent of the phone ringing and strangers telling me what all my family is doing against me. Later we check the calls and no one on the caller ids

Right now Risperadol is my main drug, but I take 11 different ones. My doctor just a couple weeks ago slammed me with Haldol and now I am coming into the calm but we are still trying to get me to sleep through the night. I take 6mg Lunesta and 2 mg Lorazapam and I wake at 230am and toss till I cant stand it any longer and get out of bed.

Now today I am feeling so much better. Voices are and will always be there mainly to annoy me if for no other purpose. Paranoia is base line too just causing some pain and agitation some of the delusions are ever present like being poisoned but all of that is just baseline Bower for you.

I work at a Target here in Idaho 10 hours per week. It was 15 but when stuff started hitting the fan my doctor said to lower the hours and see if I can manage that. I love music all but rap and be-bop. Like animals especially snakes. I had to get rid of the retics, my favorite of all pythons. So I have a boa now. She will grow up some day though. I don't really have any friends other than my wife who is my best friend. I have people who say they are friends but you know how that goes if the want or need something you're a buddy, other wise well talk later. When I was diagnosed and had to stop working I lost the best friend I could have asked for other than my wife. Not sure why. Did he think I was contagious, the stigma or some other stuff. Who the heck knows but that is all behind me and I am a home body anyways who would probably have even more troubles if I had a friend as I hate getting out in and around people.

I also found out, when I was 24, that the father I new as dad and had mourned for 8 years was not my father. I found out that my real "birth father" was alive and kickin in Oregon. What sucked was I never knew the dad that was dead as he was a musician and was divorced from my mom so I never really got to do much with him but he claimed me as his to all for mine and my mom's sake. My "birth father" met me told me off as he was pissed I was sick and that my soon to be daughter was going to be born to probably have the same issues I have. I learned that I was his only biological kid but just like that he said these things I told him to go to hell haven't heard from him in 10 years.

Well enough about me for now. I will try and write day to day time things, post poems and stuff. This was a get to know a small part of Bower so see you later.

Signed,

Bower