Janey's Blog

We finally got everytrhing moved. It took us an entire week because of relocating to another city. The drive back and forth was horrid. I hated my first week here. I was not used to having neighbors and people around all the time. The kids have adjusted well and have made a lot of friends so there are people knocking on the door after school all the time wanting the kids. That took me awhile to get used to. I think I will be ok though. I just make myself expect people to be around that way I am not surprised when they do come. I don't go outside unless I have to. I have to take the dog out during the day but when my husband gets home he does it for me. It's supposed to be nice this weekend and I am going to try and go out if my husband will go out with me. I seem to do a lot better when he is by my side.

It seems like it has taken forever to get our move straightened out. We are going to start moving this weekend and it will probly take a few days to get it done. I'm not real excited over it, but it is just something we have to do. It has been awhile now since I have been off of Geodon. I seem to be doing ok. I do take my other meds for anxiety and sleep and depression. I haven't heard any voices or had anymore hallucinations. If I had I probly wouldn't admit it anyways.

We still haven't moved yet and i still haven't taken the Geodon pills. Regardless of both I am doing ok. I haven't lost any weight but I haven't gained anymore either. I think I have found a doctor that will give me the weight loss medications.I have to wait awhile to get in to see him though.

I have gained a total of 71 pounds. I am beyond recognizing myself when I look in the mirror. I can't stand what I have become. My family doctor absolutely refuses to give me any weight loss medication. My back and knees hurt from trying to hold myself up. I have also stopped taking my Geodon because of it. I just don't care anymore. The way I see it is i got by with this illness for 17 years before being diagnosed, so i think I can manage for another 17 if I have to.

We still haven't moved yet. The stress is still killing me. I did see both my doctors though and my meds were changed once again. Right now it is the depression that is most hard to deal with. I feel like it is never going to go away. No matter how badly I want to feel better it just isn't happening.

I feel so alone. Beneath myself. Sad and desperate. My husband is sleeping on the couch, snoring, and all I want to do is scream for him to get up. I want to go shake him . I'm angry. I'm not angry because he is snoring, I'm just angry. I feel like I'm losing myself. this is not me. I can't find where I am. Somehow I have to keep from becoming violent. I just want to scream. I want to run through the house and throw things. I want everything to break. I want to create such a disturbance that my husband will have to get up and listen to me, not that I have much to say, but at least he would be awake. Maybe I can go pinch him and pretend i didn't. I feel like he has left me. He needs punished.

The closing on our house is exactly 1 week away now. The closer the time gets the more anxious I become. I have packed some, but not a lot. I wonder what I'm waiting for. I worry because I'm not doing well. My voices have come back on and off and also my hallucinations. I know it is due to all the stress, but I made a doctors appointment anyway so he can check up on me. I have been talking to myself a lot more lately. I catch myself doing it sometimes and get embarrased, even if no one is around. My husband has caught me a few times and he calls out my name to snap me out of it. He always has this look of pity in his eyes when he catches me, that's a look I have learned to hate, but appreciate all the same.

I find myself wondering if my intelligence deteriorates as my mind does. I remember being inteligent, but lately I can't remember things like I used to. I find myself not even wanting to try to figure things out.I listenend to Kristen Bell as she told about participating in research. She mentioned cognitive abilities. She mentioned counting backwards from 100 by 7's. I found I could not do this. Even if I tried to do it slowly, I found my mind didn't want any part of trying. I worry that this is how I am going to live the rest of my life. My whole world just deteriorating in front of me until I can't grasp even the simplest things. It's a scarey thought that I think of on a daily basis now.

We had our home inspection and there is a few things that need fixed. Everything is going to work out though and we are moving as expected. The anxiety I feel comes everyday now and I haven't been doing very well. I wondererd around the house yesterday not going anywhere. I caught myself counting meaningless items and talking to myself. I have still been taking my anxiety meds everyday and it seems to be helping as a quick fix once in awhile. I should be packing and getting things in order, but I can't bring myself to do very much.

We have home inspectors coming to inspect our house for the sale on Tuesday. I have so much anxiety over this move I don't know what to do with myself. I keep trying to tell myself it will be alright and it isn't working. I have only packed 2 boxes so far and I can't get myself motivated to do anything. I feel like I'm falling apart. I tried to tell my husband but he doesn't realize the impact all this stress is doing to me. I've had to go back to taking my anxiety pills just to get through the days. If the home inspectors find something major wrong with the house then it can't be sold. My husband says we would know if there was something wrong, but I can't get out of my head that something bad is going to happen. I guess if Tuesday would come and go I may feel better. I have 3 more days to go through this.

We put our house up for sale and already have a buyer. We are moving back to where we came from because my husbands work is mostly up there. I haven't even started packing yet and closing is in about 3 weeks. I'm a little bit nervous about the move. Where we are now we don't have any neighbors and no one for me to worry about, but where we are going we are going to have plenty of neighbors. Seeing as how I don't like being around people, I am very nervous. I am hoping that I will be ok. I am also hoping that maybe I can make friends instead of shutting myself in.

In the past few months the weight gain from my medications have been horrible. I don't even recognize myself anymore. it just creeped un townp on me so fast. To try and combat this, my husband and I joined a fitness center in town. We go twice a day when possible and I'm hoping to see results within the next week.

Over a year ago I was in a wedding where this girl married her third cousin. I never agreed with the idea of it but I kept my mouth shut. I rented my bride's maid dress and never took it back. I figured the wedding wouldn't be complete if all things wern't in order. After all, these two people were living in sin and I had to do all I could to prevent their damnation.

I am happy to say that I am feeling a lot better now. Last week felt like pure hell to me so much that I almost had to call my doctor, but I made it through once again.

Yesterday wasn't any better than the day before. I found myself walking in circles around my house not knowing what to do. I do feel somewhat better today, but not the greatest. I understand I will have good days and bad days, but the bad days hit me in a way like they will never cease.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING TODAY. I HAVE RECENTLY HAD SUCH GOOD DAYS AND THIS FEELS LIKE ANOTHER SET BACK. I HAVE TO BE HONEST THOUGH. WHEN THE VOICES AND HALLUCINATIONS WENT AWAY AND ALL MY DELUSIONS, I CONSIDERED THAT THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I IGNORED THAT I STILL HAVE A LACK OF MOTIVATION AND SOME PARANOIA. I WANT TO BE NORMAL SO BAD THAT I IGNORE SOME THINGS THAT HAPPENS. FOR INSTANCE, I RARELY GET DRESSED DURING THE DAY UNLESS I HAVE TO GO OUT, WHICH STILL ISN'T OFTEN. I USUALLY WEAR SWEATS AND A T-SHIRT. SOMETIMES I STILL FEEL LIKE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING ME, BUT IT IS NOT THAT SEVERE CASE WHERE I INSTANTLY PANIC, IT IS MORE OF A THOUGHT ONCE IN AWHILE. I STILL HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF DO THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE, BUT TODAY MY HUSBAND KNEW I WASN'T MYSELF SO HE MADE DINNER AND DID THE DISHES FOR ME. I HAVEN'T HAD A SHOWER IN 3 DAYS. I FEEL LIKE I AM A LAZY BUM, BUT DEEP DOWN I KNOW THAT IT IS THIS ILLNESS THAT STILL HAS A GRIP AT MY SOUL.

I've been feeling really good. Weekends are usually the hardest for me because I feel like there is no structure. I made it through ok. I even had my husband cut my hair. I felt I needed a change. I haven't had my hair cut in over 10 years. It was really long and now it is up to my shoulders. It's a weird feeling with it gone, but I like it.

I feel good today. I went to the grocery store and I am making cookies for my daughters 4-H bake sale tomorrow. I watched some TV and played a video game for awhile. I don't have to see my Psychologist for another month.

Christmas and New Years went by without any problems. I'm still doing well and I feel good. I also feel lucky because I know there are other people with the same illness that has a more severe case than I do. I like to think that I will myself to get better and I am in control. The fact is if I would have waited any longer to seek treatment I would probly be as incoherent as some cases are.

Christmas and New Years went by without any problems. I'm still doing well and I feel good. I also feel lucky because I know there are other people with the same illness that has a more severe case than I do. I like to think that I will myself to get better and I am in control. The fact is if I would have waited any longer to seek treatment I would probly be as incoherent as some cases are.