Janey's Blog

I was off my meds for 4 days and on the 4th day my symptoms started coming back. It started with starring out locked in my thoughts and then the voices and paranoia came back. I knew I had to do something that I couldn't go on like that. I called my doctor and had him split up my meds dosage so I could better tolerate it. Thank goodness he agreed. A lot of Psychiatrists wont listen and think they know it all, so to speak. I am lucky to have one that will. I am also lucky in a way that I can sense my illness and know when something isn't right. I never used to be that way. I can remember when I always thought I was right and everyone around me was just out to get me or do me wrong on purpose.

Even on my meds though I still don't like going places or being around people. I instantly get anxious if something is out of place. My kids have a schedule and they think it is to teach them responsibility and time effeciancy, when actually it is to keep me straight so I know what is going to happen when. I guess it does teach them good things, but I feel guilty. They have their chore times and tv times and even homework times. They arn't allowed in the kitchen while I am cooking. They think it is because I'm afraid they will get burnt, but it is so I can keep my head on straight and not burn the house down.

I have read a lot of articles that say I am supposed to get plenty of rest and low stress and take it easy. I can't let myself fall into the victim role. I have a husband and kids that need me and they need me to be responsible. It wouldn't do my family any good to fall apart. My husband and I do have a cue if I feel I am going to get out of hand though. I walk away and go into my computer room and shut and lock the door. That tells him I am not okay and I do need to be alone until I can control myself. I decide when I can come out and he doesn't bother me and doesn't let the kids bother me. That seems to work well and the kids don't know anything is wrong. They just think I'm on the computer.

I stopped taking my Geodon a couple days ago. I am on 60 mg once a day and it is too much all at once. Makes me really tired and nervous and fidgity. I noticed today I felt better off of it. I don't know what my doctor will say, but my guess is something to the effect of "Are you crazy?" Pun well intended.

Imagine waking up and having coffee. Then you walk through your house because you sense that someone is there. You don't find anyone, but the feeling is still frightning. If they arn't inside then they must be outside. So then you proceed to take your mini telescope to look out the window into your woods, because they must be out there. You still don't see anyone. So then you figure out it is cameras hidden up in the trees looking through all your windows and someone or some people for some reason are watching you. You begin to be very nervous. You try not to think about it. Then you proceed to go to the bathroom to brush your teeth, but you can't look in the mirror because last time you did that your face changed into someone elses. So you keep your head down and hurry as fast as you can to get done. Then your phone rings. You hate phones. You pick it up to answer and it is your husband. You hear a clicking noise so that means someone has tapped the phone and is listening to everything you say. You try to ignore it. After your call you go to your computer to check your email. The lady in the advertisement on your page wont stop looking at you. She wants you to talk to her. You ignore her the best you can. After you get done on your computer you have to go out to the grocery store. When you get there someone wont stop following you. Everytime you turn around someone is there watching everything you do. You get scared. Your skin starts to feel hot and sweaty. You are panicing. You have to flee the store to get away from whoever it was that was wanting you. You go home and shut yourself in a room after taking your xanax praying that you will feel better soon. You turn your radio on and scream and cry and wish it would all go away. You lay on your bed for 2 hours sobbing and singing with the music. You look at the clock and it is almost time for your kids to get home from school. So you have to pull yourself together for their sake because they don't know mommy is sick. You worry you will say or do something in front of them, but all you can do is pray they are not effected by the monster that lives insde you.

>I woke up a little after 5am this morning and not as tired as I have been lately. I switched some of my medication times around and that seemed to help. I vacuumed some more today and got my shower. I just haven't got dressed yet. I really don't feel like it. I don't go out anywhere unless I have to so getting dressed seems pointless to me sometimes.

The kids are out of school for Thanksgiving break which makes me nervous. I am always afraid I will say something or do something wrong. The boys went with my husband to work today and I just have my little girl here with me. I thought maybe we'd play dress up together or something, but I don't know. I always have these good ideas, but rarely follow through with them and I don't know why. <

woke up feeling pretty tired this morning. I think I need to switch the time I take my meds. I also have been feeling really jittery like I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I'm feeling really anxious about having to make a big dinner today. I hope I can do it. The upside to today is I got up and got dressed and also did my hair and even vacuumed some. That may not be a big deal to most people but for me it is.I only got dressed one time this week.

My husband is being very supportive of my needs and always asks me if I am ok. I just wish he didn't have to have that burden. Always worrying about me.

I started seeing a psychologist who told me I had Paranoid Schizophrenia and that he was going to help me. I have been back and forth on differents medications since September 2007. I have had plenty of ups and downs and was hospitalized one time overnight. I hated the hospital and no matter how bad I feel I wont go back.

I am currently on Geodon, Xanax, sleeping pills and an anti depressant. I'm not sure how it is working. I seem to always be real fidgity and nervous. Like my insides want to jump out of my body. I no longer hear voices or have hallucinations and my delusions have also subsided. I still am feeling a little paranoid at times though. I still feel really down. I don't think this new medicines have taken effect yet.

My illness began when I was 17. I didn't seek treatment until September of this year(2007). I am now 34. I didn't know what was happening to me. I kept hearing voices. They were pleasant at first, they never scared me. They commented on how nice the weather was or that my hair looked nice. Then one night while I was laying in bed was my first experience with visual hallucinations. I saw ghost heads circling over my head. It terrified me so much I pulled the covers over my head and shut my eyes tight and never came out until the next morning. Seeing how I was only 17 at the time I never thought anyone would believe me so I didn't tell.

Later in life the voices got much worse and was starting to command me to do things and would call me names and comment on everything I would do. The voices would also comment on what other people were doing around me. The voices would also carry on conversations with each other inside my head. By that time it made it impossible to determine my own thoughts from the voices.

At that time I was also having hallucinations. Anytime I would look in a mirror my face would change into someone else. It appeared to be a mans face that was similar to mine. Everytime I brushed my teeth in the bathroom I had to keep my head down and not look in the mirror. It was terrifying to me.

I started withdrawing from all my friends and family. All I wanted was to be left alone. I didn't want to go out anywhere and I didn't want to be bothered. I believed that people were following me in the grocery store or even to the doctors office. I believed that people were watching me through my windows at home and monitoring what I was doing. I believed that God was sending me messages through the Tv, radio and through my dreams.

I had quit my job and stopped caring. I didn't even get dressed or take a shower everyday. I just wanted to be left alone completely.

My behavior was getting so bad that it was effecting my home life with my husband and kids. I was angry all the time and would throw angry fits and rant and rave around the house. Everything bothered me.

If I wouldn't have confided in my husband about what was going on with me I would be dead today. I planned my own suicide down to the day I was going to do it. Thankfully he took me to a good doctor and got me help.