Janey's Blog

I was off my meds for 4 days and on the 4th day my symptoms started coming back. It started with starring out locked in my thoughts and then the voices and paranoia came back. I knew I had to do something that I couldn't go on like that. I called my doctor and had him split up my meds dosage so I could better tolerate it. Thank goodness he agreed. A lot of Psychiatrists wont listen and think they know it all, so to speak. I am lucky to have one that will. I am also lucky in a way that I can sense my illness and know when something isn't right. I never used to be that way. I can remember when I always thought I was right and everyone around me was just out to get me or do me wrong on purpose.

Even on my meds though I still don't like going places or being around people. I instantly get anxious if something is out of place. My kids have a schedule and they think it is to teach them responsibility and time effeciancy, when actually it is to keep me straight so I know what is going to happen when. I guess it does teach them good things, but I feel guilty. They have their chore times and tv times and even homework times. They arn't allowed in the kitchen while I am cooking. They think it is because I'm afraid they will get burnt, but it is so I can keep my head on straight and not burn the house down.

I have read a lot of articles that say I am supposed to get plenty of rest and low stress and take it easy. I can't let myself fall into the victim role. I have a husband and kids that need me and they need me to be responsible. It wouldn't do my family any good to fall apart. My husband and I do have a cue if I feel I am going to get out of hand though. I walk away and go into my computer room and shut and lock the door. That tells him I am not okay and I do need to be alone until I can control myself. I decide when I can come out and he doesn't bother me and doesn't let the kids bother me. That seems to work well and the kids don't know anything is wrong. They just think I'm on the computer.