Janey's Blog

My illness began when I was 17. I didn't seek treatment until September of this year(2007). I am now 34. I didn't know what was happening to me. I kept hearing voices. They were pleasant at first, they never scared me. They commented on how nice the weather was or that my hair looked nice. Then one night while I was laying in bed was my first experience with visual hallucinations. I saw ghost heads circling over my head. It terrified me so much I pulled the covers over my head and shut my eyes tight and never came out until the next morning. Seeing how I was only 17 at the time I never thought anyone would believe me so I didn't tell.

Later in life the voices got much worse and was starting to command me to do things and would call me names and comment on everything I would do. The voices would also comment on what other people were doing around me. The voices would also carry on conversations with each other inside my head. By that time it made it impossible to determine my own thoughts from the voices.

At that time I was also having hallucinations. Anytime I would look in a mirror my face would change into someone else. It appeared to be a mans face that was similar to mine. Everytime I brushed my teeth in the bathroom I had to keep my head down and not look in the mirror. It was terrifying to me.

I started withdrawing from all my friends and family. All I wanted was to be left alone. I didn't want to go out anywhere and I didn't want to be bothered. I believed that people were following me in the grocery store or even to the doctors office. I believed that people were watching me through my windows at home and monitoring what I was doing. I believed that God was sending me messages through the Tv, radio and through my dreams.

I had quit my job and stopped caring. I didn't even get dressed or take a shower everyday. I just wanted to be left alone completely.

My behavior was getting so bad that it was effecting my home life with my husband and kids. I was angry all the time and would throw angry fits and rant and rave around the house. Everything bothered me.

If I wouldn't have confided in my husband about what was going on with me I would be dead today. I planned my own suicide down to the day I was going to do it. Thankfully he took me to a good doctor and got me help.