Janey's Blog

In the past few months the weight gain from my medications have been horrible. I don't even recognize myself anymore. it just creeped un townp on me so fast. To try and combat this, my husband and I joined a fitness center in town. We go twice a day when possible and I'm hoping to see results within the next week.

Over a year ago I was in a wedding where this girl married her third cousin. I never agreed with the idea of it but I kept my mouth shut. I rented my bride's maid dress and never took it back. I figured the wedding wouldn't be complete if all things wern't in order. After all, these two people were living in sin and I had to do all I could to prevent their damnation.

I am happy to say that I am feeling a lot better now. Last week felt like pure hell to me so much that I almost had to call my doctor, but I made it through once again.

Yesterday wasn't any better than the day before. I found myself walking in circles around my house not knowing what to do. I do feel somewhat better today, but not the greatest. I understand I will have good days and bad days, but the bad days hit me in a way like they will never cease.

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE DOING ANYTHING TODAY. I HAVE RECENTLY HAD SUCH GOOD DAYS AND THIS FEELS LIKE ANOTHER SET BACK. I HAVE TO BE HONEST THOUGH. WHEN THE VOICES AND HALLUCINATIONS WENT AWAY AND ALL MY DELUSIONS, I CONSIDERED THAT THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME. I IGNORED THAT I STILL HAVE A LACK OF MOTIVATION AND SOME PARANOIA. I WANT TO BE NORMAL SO BAD THAT I IGNORE SOME THINGS THAT HAPPENS. FOR INSTANCE, I RARELY GET DRESSED DURING THE DAY UNLESS I HAVE TO GO OUT, WHICH STILL ISN'T OFTEN. I USUALLY WEAR SWEATS AND A T-SHIRT. SOMETIMES I STILL FEEL LIKE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING ME, BUT IT IS NOT THAT SEVERE CASE WHERE I INSTANTLY PANIC, IT IS MORE OF A THOUGHT ONCE IN AWHILE. I STILL HAVE TO MAKE MYSELF DO THINGS AROUND THE HOUSE, BUT TODAY MY HUSBAND KNEW I WASN'T MYSELF SO HE MADE DINNER AND DID THE DISHES FOR ME. I HAVEN'T HAD A SHOWER IN 3 DAYS. I FEEL LIKE I AM A LAZY BUM, BUT DEEP DOWN I KNOW THAT IT IS THIS ILLNESS THAT STILL HAS A GRIP AT MY SOUL.

I've been feeling really good. Weekends are usually the hardest for me because I feel like there is no structure. I made it through ok. I even had my husband cut my hair. I felt I needed a change. I haven't had my hair cut in over 10 years. It was really long and now it is up to my shoulders. It's a weird feeling with it gone, but I like it.

I feel good today. I went to the grocery store and I am making cookies for my daughters 4-H bake sale tomorrow. I watched some TV and played a video game for awhile. I don't have to see my Psychologist for another month.

Christmas and New Years went by without any problems. I'm still doing well and I feel good. I also feel lucky because I know there are other people with the same illness that has a more severe case than I do. I like to think that I will myself to get better and I am in control. The fact is if I would have waited any longer to seek treatment I would probly be as incoherent as some cases are.

Christmas and New Years went by without any problems. I'm still doing well and I feel good. I also feel lucky because I know there are other people with the same illness that has a more severe case than I do. I like to think that I will myself to get better and I am in control. The fact is if I would have waited any longer to seek treatment I would probly be as incoherent as some cases are.