Janey's Blog

We still haven't moved yet. The stress is still killing me. I did see both my doctors though and my meds were changed once again. Right now it is the depression that is most hard to deal with. I feel like it is never going to go away. No matter how badly I want to feel better it just isn't happening.

I feel so alone. Beneath myself. Sad and desperate. My husband is sleeping on the couch, snoring, and all I want to do is scream for him to get up. I want to go shake him . I'm angry. I'm not angry because he is snoring, I'm just angry. I feel like I'm losing myself. this is not me. I can't find where I am. Somehow I have to keep from becoming violent. I just want to scream. I want to run through the house and throw things. I want everything to break. I want to create such a disturbance that my husband will have to get up and listen to me, not that I have much to say, but at least he would be awake. Maybe I can go pinch him and pretend i didn't. I feel like he has left me. He needs punished.

The closing on our house is exactly 1 week away now. The closer the time gets the more anxious I become. I have packed some, but not a lot. I wonder what I'm waiting for. I worry because I'm not doing well. My voices have come back on and off and also my hallucinations. I know it is due to all the stress, but I made a doctors appointment anyway so he can check up on me. I have been talking to myself a lot more lately. I catch myself doing it sometimes and get embarrased, even if no one is around. My husband has caught me a few times and he calls out my name to snap me out of it. He always has this look of pity in his eyes when he catches me, that's a look I have learned to hate, but appreciate all the same.