Koi

sometimes its worrying having a out of control mind. Sometimes I even feel blessed to have schizophrenia with some of the unique things I can experience. But there are those times I stay curled under my covers praying to just make my mind stop.

Each night I have a routine, I turn off my light and quickly hide under the covers and pray I don't wake up in the night, pray nothing scares me and pray to be kept safe.

Waking in the night has become one of the worst experiences to endure. An illness that strips you bare of all defensive barriers, intrusive thoughts and noises echo through your body and you have no way to control them.

Waking defenseless in the dark to a demon staring back at you through the shadows, nostrils flaring on your neck even feeling the dampness of its breath making your skin prickle and toes curl.

But as chilling as those experiences can be sometimes the more simple ones are the ones that put you into panic.

Standing at work today the earth went quiet. I'm in a room of people , chatting talking laughing moving and not a sound. It felt as though all of a sudden the floor had been taken from below my feet and I was at the point of weightlessness just before I plummeted into the great vasts below.

My mind racing trying to pull out every single answer it can find of what solution is needed in a situation like this but its running short of answers until you come back into perspective of the world and a flooding of sound and sensations hit you. What lasted seconds felt as though it lasted a life time.

It was the movement that got to me, not the no noise coming from moving lips watching this ocean of people moving and not a sound, the shuffling of feet and scraping of furniture against tiles sounds always there that you don't notice until they've disappeared and you go into panic mode.

Waking to images that wont leave my head no matter how i try of people split in half by oncoming trains, skulls mashed open, guts sprawled great detail burning into my mind.

But yesterday it rained, I got a tattoo and for the moment water falling from the sky scraping against the ground and my window I felt as if it was a day anew. So all is well for now.

I guess its pretty mandatory to give you some of my background. I don't know what I will achieve with this blog, I want to be able to put down meaningful experiences I go through to give others a glimpse, or some a knowledge meant there is and may be others out there like them.

I've had schizophrenia since a child. Something kind of uncommon, I also experience ALOT of visual hallucinations (once again less common).

I have known for years, I have had doctors recognize it, a friend who had it also was the one to make the connection, But the defining moment in my life so far was the moment schizophrenia wasn't just a term used around me but I actually understood I had it. and it shattered me as a human.

Many years after doctors, friends, strangers had noticed, my family.

I get on a train in a sydney subway tunnel in Australia with my boyfriend and go for the top deck of the carriage (I know my boyfriend always likes the top to the bottom). Theres roughly 5 people in the carriage all spaced out and the first thing I notice is a man, hes rocking back and forthe and drawing on the window frantically with his finger. I am astounded, first because NO ONE in the train is looking, whispering, trying to act unnoticing they're casually chatting, reading a paper or day dreaming out of the windows.

Secondly these people amaze me, the mind (my dream was once to become a psychologist until I learn't the 7-10 year university degree i could not afford time or money wise). How powerful it is to compel people into what it is they do and what races through their mind, their behavior.

There are two young girls sitting 2 seats behind him and me and my boyfriend sit two seats in front. I choose the window side as I always do (everyone secretly loves the window side of the train) but this time because I want to watch this man in the windows reflection. I watch him my whole train trip in between chatting to my boyfriend though when it's time to get off the train he's not there and I even feel somewhat disappointed that I didn't notice him leave while chatting.

We get off at circular quay a platform thats about a story above the ground and theres a rush to get the narrow escalator down. We go to line up to get on masses of people just seem to naturally work out who goes where when I notice the man from the train and I even almost try to get behind him which I do. My boyfriend behind me, me behind the man on the train and in front of him a Japanese man in a suit. I am almost touching him, he is short he has grey short cut hair, well kept clothes and open sandals but the thing that gets my attention is his toe nails. Long, yellow, ugly and uncut. I noticed while going to line up and I almost stare at them the whole way down the escalator.

My boyfriend behind me says to me in a soft tone "i love you" and I notice it makes the man from the train twitch and seeming very uncomfortable to I try and subtly make him shoosh as I don't enjoy making people feel uncomfortable.

This whole time I have almost an uncontrollable urge to hug this stranger, this short long toenailed stranger and to even cry and tell him "me too, I understand" presuming this man based on his actions on the train has the same torment as me. But I hold out and we go in separate directions once off the escalator I then snap at my boyfriend at how inconsiderate he was being as it was so clear he was upsetting that man. We go through the gates and hit the streets almost a new world in the sun and clatter of the people and vechiles.

So weeks past and I'm still holding a small grudge "why would he (boyfriend) be so inconsiderate, that's not like him" So I confront him which turns into a argument something vaguely along the lines of this, but the end result is the same.

Me: How could you have been so inconsiderate to that man on the train and the escalator?
Him: I didn't do anything
Me: yes you did, its so clear he was upset by you talking.
Him: he seemed fine to me
Me: he wasnt! *mentions how odd it was no one was staring at him on the train*
Him: what man on the train?
Me: he was two seats behind us! he was rocking and drawing with his fingers, he was pretty evident.
Him: I didn't notice him
Me: well he was right there and then in front of us on the escalator, you where clearly making him uncomfortable, couldn't you have been quiet till we got away from him?
Him: he seemed fine to me
Me: no he wasn't!
Him: it was just some Japanese guy in a business suit
Me: no.... that was the man infront of the guy infront of us....
Him: no.... that was the man on the step right infront of you close enough to touch
Me: no cause I spent the whole ride down staring at this other mans toenails!
Him: how could you have even seen them from standing behind someone so close

etc....

There was a sudden and crashing realization that I had someone here so determined to fight against my word for a conversation that lasted maybe 2 or more hours that "no one was there" and they made some pretty convincing points.

I had been tricked, gullible, shaken. Nothing gave the impression it was all in my mind, as solid as you and I, every detail perfect, tiny strands of hair, the fabric of his clothes the pores in his skin, as solid seeming as everyone else in the world around me. Tricked by my self of all people, so if he was not real, then suddenly the nets been pulled from beneath you and you have no real idea of what's real anymore.

The most defining moment in my life is a situation few people will ever understand. Of realizing just how unsafe I am in the real world, when you can no longer tell what will and will not fail. Its terrifying.