Koi

sometimes its worrying having a out of control mind. Sometimes I even feel blessed to have schizophrenia with some of the unique things I can experience. But there are those times I stay curled under my covers praying to just make my mind stop.

Each night I have a routine, I turn off my light and quickly hide under the covers and pray I don't wake up in the night, pray nothing scares me and pray to be kept safe.

Waking in the night has become one of the worst experiences to endure. An illness that strips you bare of all defensive barriers, intrusive thoughts and noises echo through your body and you have no way to control them.

Waking defenseless in the dark to a demon staring back at you through the shadows, nostrils flaring on your neck even feeling the dampness of its breath making your skin prickle and toes curl.

But as chilling as those experiences can be sometimes the more simple ones are the ones that put you into panic.

Standing at work today the earth went quiet. I'm in a room of people , chatting talking laughing moving and not a sound. It felt as though all of a sudden the floor had been taken from below my feet and I was at the point of weightlessness just before I plummeted into the great vasts below.

My mind racing trying to pull out every single answer it can find of what solution is needed in a situation like this but its running short of answers until you come back into perspective of the world and a flooding of sound and sensations hit you. What lasted seconds felt as though it lasted a life time.

It was the movement that got to me, not the no noise coming from moving lips watching this ocean of people moving and not a sound, the shuffling of feet and scraping of furniture against tiles sounds always there that you don't notice until they've disappeared and you go into panic mode.

Waking to images that wont leave my head no matter how i try of people split in half by oncoming trains, skulls mashed open, guts sprawled great detail burning into my mind.

But yesterday it rained, I got a tattoo and for the moment water falling from the sky scraping against the ground and my window I felt as if it was a day anew. So all is well for now.