Lovelyornot

Today sucked. I mean, excuse my language and all, and sorry for the so not upbeat first entry, but today has sucked so far. It all started last night when I did something incredibly stupid and juvenile. Actually, it wasn't that bad in my opinion, but, whatever. Okay, see, i kicked Matt. A few times. When I later told my boyfriend I did this to show Matt that I liked him (as a friend, come on, i have a boyfriend) Nick, my boyfriend, made a comment about acting like an eighth grader. Not a mean comment, just a comment. I realized he was right. Then today when I was thinking about it, I realized that the audience (see first blog if you need an explanation) wanted me to hurt myself, to punish myself for last night. So I cut my arm with a knife and sissors. Then I was thinking that there were people in my house wanting to attack me OR film me (I wasn't sure which). Plus my house had "turned into" a tv set.

I'm not going into the hospital. I can't, Nick leaves on Wednesday and I have auditions coming up. I set up an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow. I'm just scared.

And now I just got a call from Nick saying that his dog got hit by a car. Is it bad to be mad that now both of us are gonna be depressed? I mean, I feel awful for him too, dont' get me wrong, I just kind of needed him today. 'Cause I am depressed. And I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have this stupid illness and I know I always will, this stupid illness that causes me to act immature and have delusions.

Nick's here, I have to go.

~Elizabeth

So this is me. I'm Elizabeth, and I have schizo affective disorder. If you're on this site, you should know what that is, but if you don't, here's a definition:

Schizoaffective disorder is a psychiatric diagnosis
describing a situation where both the symptoms of mood disorder and psychosis are
present

Don't you just love wikipedia? So yeah, that's me in a nutshell. But I (usually) manage. I do theatre, I'm in college for sign language, and I am in a successful relationship with an amazing guy. I just do things a little differently, that's all.

For example: I frequently think that I am on a television show, being watched by millions of viewers. There is a director, and everyone's an actor. Yes, like the Truman show.
There are other things too that we'll get into as we go on, but that's the basic one.

Any questions? Ask me anything, and I'll answer.

'cause I dunno what else to say.

~Liz

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