Lovelyornot

Today sucked. I mean, excuse my language and all, and sorry for the so not upbeat first entry, but today has sucked so far. It all started last night when I did something incredibly stupid and juvenile. Actually, it wasn't that bad in my opinion, but, whatever. Okay, see, i kicked Matt. A few times. When I later told my boyfriend I did this to show Matt that I liked him (as a friend, come on, i have a boyfriend) Nick, my boyfriend, made a comment about acting like an eighth grader. Not a mean comment, just a comment. I realized he was right. Then today when I was thinking about it, I realized that the audience (see first blog if you need an explanation) wanted me to hurt myself, to punish myself for last night. So I cut my arm with a knife and sissors. Then I was thinking that there were people in my house wanting to attack me OR film me (I wasn't sure which). Plus my house had "turned into" a tv set.

I'm not going into the hospital. I can't, Nick leaves on Wednesday and I have auditions coming up. I set up an appointment with my doctor for tomorrow. I'm just scared.

And now I just got a call from Nick saying that his dog got hit by a car. Is it bad to be mad that now both of us are gonna be depressed? I mean, I feel awful for him too, dont' get me wrong, I just kind of needed him today. 'Cause I am depressed. And I don't know why. Maybe it's because I have this stupid illness and I know I always will, this stupid illness that causes me to act immature and have delusions.

Nick's here, I have to go.

~Elizabeth