Stuart's Blog

hi all, my back is sore again and my sisters kids bykes tyres are flat again but my mental health is just the same
like theres a veil over everything and i seen my cpn and she said that i can change my tablets if i want and gave me the info on abilify and i also looked it up online but haven't made my mind up yet.hope you are well,stuart.

hi all,i have been busy over the weekend,i cut the hedges at the front and back of my mums house and then sorted a puncture but i felt it the next morning i was in agony with a sore back and then made it worse by trying to do somerthing and i could hardly walk,so my mum was angry at me because i couldn't fit the carpet and i am making a good recovery now.my mental health has been ok although i forgot to take them for a couple of days
so just the usual negatives and things i've been on chat a couple of times as well.hope you are well,all the best
stuart.

hi all i have been busy i cut the hedges today and the nieghbours awell then i sorted a puncture that my nephew had on his bike and i was playing with the dog i hope you are well i'm going to sleep now nighty night
stuart

hi everyone,i'm sorry it took so long to post,i have been decorating my mums house well helping anyway,its extraordinary that my mum is able to put paper up with her eye sight but she seems to be taking it all on the chin, she was doing a charity run 5km around a park and was interviewed for the telly then she was asked to come back for another interview and done that too the run was to make people more aware of deaf/blindness and raise money for that cause shes also went to the parliament and has been involved with other things and been in local papers and things,she is doing a course in college 2nd year british sign language and is really good at it so i let her use my computer and put the magnifier on for her.my dad might have been arrested today because i phoned him and he was in the middle of an argument with a policeman i think he was stealing wood from a building site like he did before to make the fence and he recently stole a cherry blossom tree and put it in the front garden so anyway he was in hospital but has been out for a while now and hasnt been drinking much so thats something.i have been celebrating birthdays and had a couple of good days followed by a couple of bad ones and my gf is not doing good just now at all, i have posted some things on the boards and i hope i haven't upset anybody, i usually only write things that i think is relevant and i try and cheer people up and try and not step on anyones toes because theres just so many things to think about when you post i'm probably no good at it though but i do try sometimes.still taking meds
all the best, stuart

hi all, cutting my tablets in half was not a good idea i felt ok for a couple of days but then everything went pearshaped and i had to increase my dose again, so now i am going to talk to my cpn or pych/doc about a med change and i hopefully wont get the anxiety and flat effect that i get with respiridone on abilify, i will probably need supervision for the change over so i will need to stay at my mums house and there is still a chance that i will need to go back in to hospital but i am going to try and avoid that.anyway wishing you all the best,
stuart.

hi everyone,hope you are well,i have been adjusting to a half dose of my tablets from 4mg to 2mg of respiridone in an attempt to reduce my anxiety and get some feeling back i had a hard night 2 days ago but it seems to have leveled out and i am not sure if i am any better i cannot tell but my girlfriend seems to think i am much better doing this as i am not doped up as much and i havent had any paranoia or delusions or anything but its early days yet so i just hope i'm not being foolish i know i have been depending on my tablets for atleast 4 years and havent changed the dose and i know i need them and will not stop taking them but i have been trying to control my anxiety for a while now and am now convinced they are contributing to it so if i am better on 2mg i will stay on them and if not i will change to abilify and thats my plan anyway.things are not as hectic now i dont need to visit the hospital anymore as my dad is out now and the animals dont need the vet anymore and i really hope he stays off the drink but i doubt it as his best friend is an alcoholic ,my mums exam is coming up shortly for her british sign language course second year so i hope she does well,its really hard for her as her sight isn't that good and i worry about her sometimes when she goes out but she's a survivor like my dad aswell and me.thats all,have a nice time,
stuart

hi everyone,i have had a tough time recently with taking my mum and the cat to the vet because my mum needs a guide and shes got all the paperwork for it and then i have been going to the hospital to visit dad who is doing well apart from an incident in the hospital involving a patient that was stealing from the wards and my dad stopped him and he punched my dad in the belly and headbutted a porter and punched a nurse and is getting done for assault but thats the problem here is anything can happen i have skeletons in the closet aswell which i will not talk about and its not good,any way i hope you are well,i have been looking up my mums eye condition online and found out some things like it might be hereditary and if i start to go blind i will know what it is but they are making bionic eyes now and hopfully my mum can get one so she'll be like the bionic woman because shes got a cochlear implant in her head that allows her to hear a bit already she was getting that done when i was sectioned and came up to the hospital to see me with a big bandage around her head but my dad came off the worst when i was sectioned because he had work then my mum and me to see all in the same day and was travelling alot he ended up packing in his job and has never gone back because of his health but he still misses being able to play with engines and driving too.I hope there is a happy ending for us all including you,all the best stuart.

hi there,i am still thinking about going to the stables and trying to do something but things just seem to transpire against me, i have been kept busy by my girlfriend going out to the shops and to a resaurant and swimming and she's been brilliant taking me about in the car and me and my mum to the hospital to see my dad she's doing really well just now, i remember when she never thought she could drive and sold her motor to her dad who is eighty and for the first 3 years we were together we were walking everywhere, now we are going for coffee and having drinks in resaurants and its all more cognitive therapy for us.anyway not much to report i am doing well just now apart from the negative symptoms, lack of motivation,blunt effect,among others but i try not to think about them as it doesn't help to do that,i'm not even sure that letting off steam helps but i do know if i read about other sufferers doing things it makes me want to do something so i have been looking online for something to do and signed up for free information like course work and video's about a range of different subjects including psychology and thats from the open university so i can learn more about things if i want i think its called open learn.
best wishes,stuart.

hi everybody,hope you are well,my dads in the hospital now and getting sorted it was a real nightmare to get him to go but at least he did eventually go,so i went to the hospital myself which was pretty scary but luckily my gran and aunt senga went aswell and they gave me a lift back and my gran gave me ten pounds aswell so that was good, i need to take my cat to the vet today at 2.30pm with my mother then i'm going to see my dad at 6.30pm and my gf is taking us in the motor which is good,so i am running around everywhere and i went to the pub aswell and had a few pints but its just now and again i go.i am trying real hard to keep on top of things and i realize that if something really bad happens it could send me over the edge but i dont want to think about that anyway i'm still taking my tablets 4mg a day of respiridone and they are really helping me stay calm and things to calm but if it wasn't for them i would not be able to function,i still get the negative things and it really gets to you but try and stay positive.best wishes,stuart.

hi, i phoned my aunt senga this morning and she came round but my dad tryed to escape but he went to the hospital with her at the risk of there friendship then after all that fuss my dad checked himself out and that pissed off alot of people,he's not well at all just now,so my mum told me to go round to snowy's (my dads drinking buddy) and tell him not to come home but of coarse he did and when i walked in the police were walking out which was not good,at the same time my mums sisters were coming in,so i had to go round to snowys with his meds and things again,now he has tryed to get back in three times and barged his way in while we were watching the grandkids or my nephews and they have been shouting and everything and its not very good and i'm left in the middle as a go between,i just hope she doesn't phone the police again,not that its her fault because my dad has been very horrible lately and we have been trying to get him to go to hospital but theres just no talking to him just now.so it has been a very eventful day to say the least everybody including the police has been round and i have had to deal with that as if things weren't bad enough already,i was really worried last night because my mum told me to phone an ambulance for him last night and i said no because he wouldn't get in it and she said i was useless and good for nothing.hope you are well,stuart.

hi all, my dads in a bad way again,he's not bringing up blood but he's finding it difficult to breath and function normally its horrendous because no matter what we say he will not go into hospital he just keeps saying i'm not giving up or not stopping and things like that,he promised he would go to the hospital with me tommorow but i think he's lying he just doesn't want me to phone his sister senga which i said i would.as for me i am still struggling on,i'm stable but i've got these negative symptoms that i try and hide which isn't easy,i think alot of people know what i'm talking about i'm still going out though and doing things, i got two more dragon books today and i've still got the tatoo on my arm until i wash it off with some thinners or something but it looks pretty good.thanks for listening,stuart.

hi there,hope you are well,i have finally built up the courage to post a bit more on the boards without worrying about things as much and being paranoid,things just happen sometimes and you dont know why good or bad,
anyway i am still not experiancing alot of emotions i think its a negative symptom of schiz called affective bluntening over here or flat effect but i have had it that long i have learned to try and just get on with things and not worry alot about things i have no control over like my brain without meds.my dad wants to go fishing with me where i took steven i just hope he is fit enough he has been up and down with his health and if he thinks he can do it who am i to say no,he really wants to go and i think i can help him and my gf can hopefully give us a lift down in the motor.i have been cutting down my meds to half but i think its a bad idea i have been more awake but my thought sometimes wanders and races thats when i need to take them but my gf told me to try it because i have been like a zombie alot ,so wishing you the best of health,stuart.

hi there,hope you are well, i have not been that keen to go out lately everything seems to much of an effort but my gf has managed to push me out the door we went to the shops today and then to the pub/restaurant we're still trying to push ourselves but its hard sometimes i think my gf is doing better than me just now although she has real problems socializing which is worse than me but she does alot more than me and wants to put her cbt things in her book. i might ask steven if he wants to go fishing again but he can fish the way he wants this time because i think he's to young for the fly fishing just now so i'll try and do that again.i seen my cpn on monday and she said if i felt up to it i could go to the stables and try and join the equestrian therapy and to pick up some application forms aswell thats if there still doing it,i heard my old p/doc was on telly and got a grant from the national lottery so i hope shes still there ,she had to retire because her hearing was getting worse and she was very nice,i have been supporting my gf because she was dreading an appointment that she had with a junior doctor,she said it was like an interrogation the last time but the good thing is she see's the prof again and he only see's a few people because he does alot of research into schizophrenia she see's him in 3 months

hi there, hope you are well, i went fishing with my nephew steven today and my girlfriend and me went to the shops this morning and got a hat for him then she drove to my sisters where we picked him up them went to the river,it was a good day but he was struggling because he hasnt done that sort of fishing before, he was saying it was his worst fishing trip and that his hands were cold even though he had gloves on,the weather was not bad there was a bit of wind but mostly calm and a bit of drizzle aswell, i hope he wants to go again somewhere although its hard to get to places when you cant drive and my girlf cant drive us everywhere because thats not fair on her so the next thing on my agenda is to get a drivers licence, i wish now that i had not gone over the edge because i was taking lessons and nearly ready for the test when things started to unfold and i got delusional so after the fishing my girlf gave steven a lift home then took me up to my mums,i was really worn out from doing all that and went for a lie down and took my tablets.so its been an eventful day for me and mt girlf the two of us have really done lots of social stuff and things and her cbt book has 2 pages full of things we done today and had to do.i see my cpn on monday and have got alot to tell her i hope i dont forget because i get poverty of thought and dont know what to say and cant explain things properly some days i dont even say anything and that really annoys my girlf but cant help it she has to push me to get me talking, anyway thats me ,thanks for reading,good bye and have a nice day or a good sleep.

hi everyone,stuart here,i have been getting ready for taking steven out fishing and i am all set ,me and the girlfriend went for a walk down the river 2 days ago and i found another place where i can fish so i am going to take my float rod and real aswell as my fly fishing gear and if he gets bored he can do a bit of float fishing aswell, i have phoned my sister and she seems happy enough for me to take care of him for a while so she must trust me enough even though i take antipychotics.i have been getting on with things even though i am not feeling at my best i dont let it get me down, i think judy was right when she said sometimes when you are phisically sick you can feel mentally better because when i had the cold/flu i felt better but it faded away as i became well again i just got it into my head that it was the anti biotics because i got them both at the same time and although i'm only taking them for my spots on my back i thought there could be an ingrediant in them that might be beneficial, i think i will bring it up with my cpn.

hope you are alright,stuart

hi everyone,hope your well,i have been feeling good the last few days and i hope it continues but it seems like its slowly fading away and i dont know why i feel so good ,it started the night after i started to take my antibiotics and it might be a breakthrough, anyway i have been going out to the pub the other day and that was good ,i go to my mum/dads house tommorow and my dad thought i had another episode but i told him not to worry and that i was fine ,i think i said the wrong thing to my gran but it should be alright. my girlfriend has been doing really well with her cbt cognitive behavioural therapy and she didnt even need her reminder with her today which is extraordinary, she allways has to write something on the back of her hand which she says when she doesn't feel good to make her more secure and she has got to do a certain amount of tasks a day which she writes down in her note book, so the two of us are doing really well and my mums still doing her sign language course at college but has an exam coming up and my dads not bad just now either.thats me for now hopefully things are good for you too and long may it continue.bye.

hi everybody,doing well i hope, today has been one of the best days since i got schiz i managed to have a natural conversation with my girlfriend this morning and we talked for ages and i wasn't worried about what i said because i was in a good frame of mind and my breathing was great although i think it is starting to fade away now hopefully i will be keeping these feelings and emotions for a while but i am not convinced.i have got a cold and i have just started a course of antibiotics for spots so mabye thats got something to do with it,on monday i took 2 antib's instead of one and was on a high so now i have got the dose right,anyway i have got a new avatar next to my name and its of pegasis the flying horse, i use to go horse riding and i love them i also came across a good poem about it which i will now quote.

he could not be captured
hecould not be bought
his running was rhythm
his standing was thought
with one eye on sorrow
and one eye on mirth
he galloped in heaven
and gambolled on earth

and only the poet
with wings on his brain
can mount him and ride him
without any rein
the stallion of heaven
the steed of the skies
the horse of the singer
who sings as he flies

i think this is one of the best poems i have heard for a while i hope you like it

stuart

hi everyone,i forgot to write about my visit to the gp yesterday i dont think i was with it very much but i went on monday and the doc told me my dizziness was probably pre-faint or the start of a really bad migraine it felt like i was about to faint anyway so she was sneezing and i got the cold/flu from her but its not her fault she couldn't help it.i was breathing well last night slow and steady,i was a bit scared though that i might stop breathing but didn't panic,i replied to a post and the girl said she could relate to what i said because i really dont think these things just happen, i think one thing leads to another and you end up somewhere you dont want to be and get stuck then you spend the rest of the time trying to get back to the beginning of when it all happened and hopefully you can stay that way,i'm hoping i can stop my anxiety and maybe it will be that i stop my schiz at the same time because i think there all related to each other in some way or an other.i am going to put my relaxation cd on tonight.i allways find it hard to reply to posts i dont know why maybe i just can't relate to them or i think that i'm not a member of there club or something anyway i get really paranoid about my posts so i am trying to take it really slowly and not to make me feel so bad about it also i cant think of any more poems its just a blank so thats not good and i dont want to make a fool of myself.
wishing you the best of health,stuart189

hi everyone,hope your all well,i have been at my mums house and we were sorting out the fishing gear because i'm taking my nephew down to the river with me in a couple of weeks,me and my dad have alot of gear that we didnt know we had because we got alot of stuff from my grandad sam when he died and my dad bought my nephew a rod and i'm getting the permits aswell ,i just hope that my sister trusts me enough to take care of him ,i think it should be alright though because shes been talking to me for a couple of years while i was stable and knows i can be trusted but i,ll ask her anyway.i was also doing some fingerspelling with my mum and shes doing really well,i think she needs more practice with her bsl for her exam and assesments, sorry i just got into trouble for not mentioning my girlfriend alison who has problems socializing and being around people she is the one that is actually driving us down there and back again and i am really grateful.all the best,stuart.

hi all,yesterday was a horrific day for me i went to the shops at 9.30am and while i was there my eye sight went al wierd and i was really dizzy and dissorientated, i thought i was going to collapse and had to sit down for five minutes then i got up and it happened again so i went outside and it went away, i didn't know what it was so i phoned my cpn but she wasn't there and she said she would phone back,by this time i was going spare thinking all sorts of things and i had a headache and thought it might be connected,when my cpn phoned she told me i wasn't the tablets that done it and to take them and then make an appointment to see my gp doctor so i see him on monday and maybe he'll know, i need to tell him about the lump at the back of my ear anyway thats came back after getting it cut away,i'm still stable though and haven't been drinking since monday so i'll see if i can last a week then maybe switch to non alcoholic drink if i can.all the best, stuart