Stuart's Blog

hi all i didnt do much today i went to the shop with girlfriend then her dad came round then i went to bed, my girlfriend got her abilify today but is adament shes not going to take them because shes worried she cant drive and she saw her pychologist aswell and got forms for benefits through the post. after that i played guitar i have just found a new web site called ultimate guitar.com and am wanting to learn from that. i was thinking about writing to my pychiatrist and asking for a new cpn because the one ive got is useless i think hes got problems to which cant be good, i just going to have a burger then will try relaxation tape because i got it back.

today i went for the papers and then went to mum and dads house to see my cpn and i hate him because he never helped me with my travel card and it ran out on the 30 nov i tried to get his help but it was like he didnt know what he was doing or something i still think he is a sufferer or theres something wrong with him any way he never stays for more than fifteen mins sometimes just 5 if hes lucky the only thing that he said that was any good was that he would help me get back into horse riding because my old pychiatrist ran a charity for the mentally ill and you could go on a horse and get taught and then maybe do a bit of voluntary work and i want to do something because i never done anything this year and i normally do something every year in 2006 i done the european social fund which was either computing or woodwork for people who are mentally ill and it lasted about 3 months and i done the same about a year before that and horse riding the year before that so i want something to do.the good thing about the horse riding is it is just around the corner from my girlfriends and i could jump on a bike and be there in 5 mins.

hi today i went to the shops in the morning then to the docs for my girlfriend so she got a phone call and shes to switch to abilify but she says shes not taking them because she still wants to drive so i dont know whats going to happen after that i had my dinner and managed to pick my guitar up which took an awful lot to do because my energy levels were so low ,i get that alot having no energy and it stops me from doing things i like that involves a bit of creativity and stuff ,anyway i am going to listen to the radio now so have a nice one.

its been a good day today i took the dog out this morning and got cigs then my sister came with her children to the house and i was talking to them but couldnt sing or dance with them which is a drag but i seem to socialize with my family better than anyone else maybe its because there always there for me and me for them i dont know all i know is i cant talk to anyone outside my world i have just got alot of responses and cant interact but maybe if i join some sort of group i can expand on what ive already got but thats for next year, anyway i am in my girlfriends know and have just done some relaxing without the tape and realized i can relax alot easier and deeper know than i did before so im showing real improvement

hi this is my story about how i was my condition has progressed:

when i left school i was working with my father in his garage and it was there that i got really unwell i couldnt socialize for some reason anymore and started to get paranoid have i done that or whos stolen my nuts things like that but i had good reason when i was sixteen i had an altercation with someone and the result was my dad getting beat up and because my dad new the right people something bad could have happened but we managed to avert it and it was forgotten i think it was the stories of things my dad would tell me that were going on like when the police armed unit hit the garage because they thought there was guns hidden somewhere when there wasnt and when 2 junkies came in to the yard and were causing trouble and they got beaten up and there motor stolen but it all built up until i had a breakdown and was sectioned from then on i could never go back to work. when i was sectioned my dad would visit every night and if he couldnt make it someone else would be there but it was a shame because he was run of his feet and had to give up his job i was also taking driving lessons at the time and had to stop and my mum was going in for an operation to get her cochlear implant so she could hear i was then put on amasulperide but it never done anything and was then put on resperidone which im on just know, im not blaming my dad because i knew i was not well before even working there stopped talking to friends and things, anyway thats my story

today i went to the shop with my girlfriend and it went alright because she was there ,i got 2 cds danni minogue and peaches and listened to them when i came in then at 11 oclock i had to go for a haircut at sweeney todds and it went alright but i thought i heard one of the girls say something like because some people have to work and i didnt let it bother me because she doesnt know who i am and how tough it is for me, anyway i am down at my mum and dads now and she just got her new fridge freezer delivered today and it looks good in the kitchen because its just been fitted and papered my mum papered it by the way and shes done a not bad job of it considering , shes a real outgoing person she goes to bingo, salsa dancing, line dancing and swimming with the guide as well as getting the messages and doing the cooking and the cleaning but shes not got many friends just family and deaf/blind friends which is as good as any i suppose me and my sister might start learning sign language next year and that could be good but i dont know how i would be going to college ,i wish i could join a club and socialize but its really hard for me to do that i would have to trust them and i dont think i would tell them whats wrong with me because it might scare them and if i done anything wrong thats what they would blame it on and its not very nice, i have a lot of ideas but there for next year.

today i went to the shop myself for presents and i was surprized because i wasnt scared and paranoid and people werent talking about me or looking at me, this was the first time i have went out myself for ages and i felt alright i just tried to think of things to buy and had a real good look about , so maybe im doing something right but apart from that i have been taking a bit more of my tablets i just wish i could look forward to christmas and get excited about it or something its been a while since these feelings have came to me i tryed to take antidepressants but had an adverse reaction to them resulting in hospitalization so am not taking them again.i had lasangne for dinner and i left my relaxation tape at my mums so i can feel the difference. i just had a bath because i am getting a haircut tommorow and hope it goes well ,i hate getting my hair cut and everything that goes with it because of the social aspect of it.

hi my name is stuart and ive got paranoid schizophrenia i was diagnosed 5 years ago and have been in hospital 3 times, the first time i was sectioned by my boss at the garage and my gran thats when i was diagnosed and was in for a month, the second time i had a bad reaction to an antidepressant and was in for three weeks and the last time was only for three days. since being diagnosed i constantly strive to get better and i am practicing relaxation as well as coping mechanisms and 4mgs of risperidone a day.
i stay with my girlfriend who i met in hospital the second time and she also has problems and takes seroquel,
i also stay with my mum and dad 3 days a week and my mums going blind and has a cochlear implant to hear and my dad has accute liver disease.

in a day i go out to the shop with girlfriend and drink tea to calm down and smoke i hardly ever watch the telly but i listen to music a lot and sometimes pick up the guitar ( have just learned slade christmas song ).
when i am in my mum and dads house i help fix things like stillsaws and generators that my dads friend brings around because i use to work for my dad in his garage before he went bankrupt.and i like to talk to my sister and her 3 boys 5 ,7 ,9 i am talking alot more now than i use to and only talk to people that are close but have coping mechanisms for other people i dont know.