Stuart's Blog

hi all, i was thinking about anxiety alot recently and i think if i'm going to get better,the first the first thing i've got to do is control my anxiety levels, i need to bring them down and let myself breathe properly and not controlled all the time, i thought i was breathing well the other day just before i was about to go to sleep but then i got scared and started to do it faster again because i thought i was going to stop breathing ,i think i was not use to breathing normally and sort of panicked a bit so i will be trying that again and i hope i wont get scared this time it really helps if you try and relax all the time after you do something treat yourself to something, i've got jelly babies and cups of tea to help me unwind,but i think i'm lucky to have someone that helps me get out and do things because i remember just sitting in my room alone and not going out and just sleeping alot after work i just didnt want to do anything and after all the stress of the garage i had to come home and wash which was really annoying.what i'm trying to say is that with someone there all the time you can share the load and you also try even harder to better yourself so no one worries about you and the tablets are allways there.thats whats happening with me just now any way ,
wishing you all the best in the world ,
stuart

hi all, i've not done alot the last few days but i did see my cpn ,she got me a relaxation cd but didnt have time to get any more info on anything so i see her in three weeks and hopefully she'll have something for me to do ,i also asked her a bout the abilify and how i'm in two minds whether to take it or not and she was telling me most people who have went on them have changed back to what they were on before and only a minority have done really well on them so im not sure, i just want some feelings to come back and my weight down i dont think i'm asking much.

i'm in my mums house and they are thinking about getting a new dog its been about a month now since mac died and i am happier with the other one they've got piper but its up to them and if they want crap all over the place they can have it just dont ask me to pick it up the garden is already in a bad state and the fence blew down at christmas. my sister came around today with her boys and it was good i feel more comfortable with her and the kids than i do with anyone else apart from my girlfriend.me and the girlfriend had an argument the other day about me wanting to change my tablets and how i would be staying in my mums for a while until i feel good with the abilify but i still haven't made up my mind whether to take them or not ,on respiridal its like your not in tune with anything and i dont know if thats a side effect or just me but i dont like the wieght gain i use to be proud of the fact i was skinny now i'm all bloated. i see my cpn on monday so i hope shes got things for me so i can see whats going on like groups and things because i want to do something this year even if its not much.

hope your doing well

stuart

hi, i phoned my dad yesterday because it was his 50th birthday and he sounded awful on the phone so i was that worried that i borrowed more money to go up and see him when i got there he had a gash on the right side of his eyebrow and marks on his face now hes got a black eye but he just keeps wanting to do these crazy things like steal stuff from building sites like wood to make a fence so he took these to massive bits of wood up the road with him and there sitting in our front garden just now and hes trying to dig a hole deep enough but the wood is just to big its crazy, i really worry about him its like hes got a death wish or something but atleast hes not drinking so thats something,i got him a book of poetry because he likes that and hes still not read the book i got him for christmas because he said he would read it when he goes back into hospital.i havent been doing much just lying about i'm really lucky because my girlfriend does all the housework but i help her with the shopping and get the papers in the morning its good because it means i'm going out and doing something even if its not much i would'nt like to not contribute because she would think i'm taking her for a ride or something we also encourage each other to wash and clean ourselves so we work as a team you know what i mean. thanks, all the best, stuart

hi, i'm at my mums just now and kirsteen my sister just left with her three kids, there alright but they fight alot especially the youngest one but i was chatting to my sis and that was good she recently got a computer from a catalogue and they havent charged her for it yet and i'm getting a pair of boots at half price from there aswell so that was something to talk about i have been alright today until about 5 oclock and then i remembered to take my tablets and i have got to paint tommorow aswell my mum just hung a large room with wallpaper which i think is a tremendous achievement as her eyesight is so bad and she's registered deaf/blind.my dad had a couple of cans last night and he felt terrible this morning because his liver is bad just now and he said its the last time hes doing that so hopefully he'll not drink anymore so i hope everybody is having a good time anyway,all the best.

hi i went out this morning with my girlfriend because she had to see her pychologist and she was alot better she got a sheet on anxiety and seemed to be more positive she is doing alot of cbt cognative behavioural therapy and she writes it all down in her little book she also has a different word she thinks up every day that she repeats to herself to remind herself how much milk shes had and it stops her from panicking ,i keep saying to her that she should rely on her word to much ,if she can use the same word everytime like calm or relax and not worry about the milk so much that it would be easier for her but shes got her own ways to cope the same as me. i done a half hour of the relaxation tape today and feel a bit better but still need alot of practice ,the breathing is the toughest thing then its my focus or concentration but i find if you try and not think of anything and listen to her voice you gradually relax ,it was harder when i first started i had tryed it before but not given it a chance and i had a bad back one time and was lying on my bed at my mums and i saw the tape so i fired it on and it helped my back and genarally made me feel calmer for a while this didnt last that long though just the duration of the tape but i feel now i can make it last longer i dont know if it helps my schiz but if it makes me a little better i'll be happy. all the best, stuart

hi, i havent really done much over the past two days i've been in bed but i did listen to my relaxation tape but it didnt really help i guess i just need more practice, my girlfriend took her seroquel yesterday and today and she was driving aswell just to see if she could but she's just took 50mg and she says she isn't taking anymore because they make her feel less alive i think i know how she feels i dont get alot of pleasures in life everything just seems like an obstacle to me and thats why i am thinking about changing to abilify that and the wieght gain i just seem to be getting more and more bloated, i am a bit worried however my cpn says most people go into hospital for med change and i hope i dont get hospitalized, what would be great would be no bad thoughts or fear or panic thats the things i think i'm going to experiance in change over but i dont know, i will have alot of support and i will be staying at my mums house for however long it takes and my girlfriend will have to come up and visit, when i'm stable enough i'm hoping to get back into the horses again if the group is still on i think they got a lottery grant so hopefully it is it was really good i was racing in and out of the poles on a horse and i really enjoy it to an extent i will also have the chance to do voluntary work cleaning the stables and things and its just around the corner from my girlfriends house aswell.

i seen my new cpn june for the first time yesterday and i think it went well she was asking about me and my daily routine and i told her that i was staying with my girlfriend 3 days and up at my mums the rest i also told her that my girlfriend has got ocd and social phobias and shes not taking her tablets ,my cpn june was asking if there was anything she could do for me and suggested some groups that might help with anxiety and stress like raiki and she was asking if me and my girlfriend would like to do something together but i told her it was extremely difficult as my girfriend doesnt like any close quarters with anyone because i need to go to the check out for her and things like that but she helps me get out as i cant go out alot on my own,the only thing about seeing her that was not very good was the way i felt because i was getting panicky and had trouble putting a sentence together at one point because i thought i would need to explain myself about why i wanted to change and i said michael my old cpn was not helping me with simple things like my bus pass and then she offered to help with that which was good, i told her that i might want to change to abilify from risperidal and she said most people go in to hospital to change and that i would need to see her and the crisis team regulary when that happens so i think i can rely on her she also said shes just a phone call away if i needed her, so i think the change was for the best and i'm happy with that, i still need to get use to her though and she said she was alergic to something when she came in because she was taking alot of anti histimines,after she left i felt less panicky and managed to put up 3 rolls of wallpaper for my mum.

hi, my new cpn june is coming to see me tommorow and i dont know what i'm going to say to her, she'll probably ask why i wanted a new cpn so i'll need to tell her i didn't find michael very helpful and he acts like he doesn't care and i think he has a serious problem as well so i hope that goes well .my sister came round today at my mums with the kids and i gave lewis his birthday present and it went well aswell so its just tommorow that i'm worried about, wish me luck.oh yeah i nearly forgot my dla benifit is not getting cut its actually increasing so i dont need to worry about that for a while.

hi, i am really worried my money is going to get cut because i got the forms just before christmas and someone helped me fill them in but i got a letter and it says something about £136 and thats all i know my dad phoned me and told me so i will tell my cpn if some thing is wrong when i see her on monday and hopefully she can help me i dont really know her yet ive never met her but she sounded alright on the phone, my dad also told me when he phoned that he nearly got run over and that a motor clipped him and he hurt his elbow so i am hoping hes alright his tablets have just been changed as well and he's not feeling to good ,my girlfriend has been quiet good today she hasnt said anything negative or anything and she really helped me as usual.

hi, i got word from my new cpn today her name is june and i see her on monday so i hope that works out ok ,my last cpn was not very good i've still not got my bus pass and hes wasn't very sympathetic it was like he had an illness too all he done was check up on me like i was a five year old and i hated it and i was lucky if he stayed five minutes.anyway today i got an xbox 360 with a couple of games and its really good so i was in town and i thought someone was going to mug me because there was alot of dodgy looking characters about and with it being glasgow you expext that kind of thing, luckily noone was following so that was good my girlfriend done really well driving in the motor because she doesn't like going there because she got fined for going through a red light there and now i'm in i am playing the xbox quite alot now,thats all thanks.

hi i was at my granda tommy funeral yesterday and it went ok the only thing that went wrong was that i didnt open the door for my gran and tommys sister and my gran nearly shut the door on tommys sisters leg but nobody noticed i hope i thought i might have to help carry his coffin but there was people there to do that and they nearly dropped him but the minister was excellant and my gran gave the organist some money and the minister and the reception afterwards was good apart from my mum laughing to loud i think it was alright. i think i am lucky that i am stable enough to do these things if it wasnt for the tablets i dont know what i would do but that doesnt mean im happy with the situation i asked my pychiatrist once how long i would be on the tablets and she said i could be on them for life and im still finding that hard to accept and my girlfriend is not taking hers because she doesnt like what they do to her but i think its the lesser of two evils but she doesnt see it like that.thats all , stuart

today i told my cpn i wanted another one and said it was nothing personal so ive got to see him on the 16th and thats the last time i hope, he is not very helpful and its like he doesnt care for some reason and i think hes got problems aswell i thought he was crying when i phoned but he must have a cold and i feel really bad but i needed to do it ,he was meant to see me today and he said he came but i never heard him so thats when i phoned and asked for a new one.sorry

hi and i am glad the blog is up and running again, i had a good and a bad christmas on christmas eve i had to bury one of my dogs ,mac had been poorly for a while and he wasnt doing well so when he died we got him out of my mums way before she woke up in the morning the nieghbours must have thought we were crazy, well we are anyway, i am and hes borderline,so we were digging a hole in the pitch black and we said goodbye and then my dad got some slabs and put it over him and for the next few days my back was killing me. so over christmas we opened our pressies and i got some teeshirts and then we had christmas dinner and that was good then we heard that my grandad had died and now ive got a funeral this monday so i hope i am allright because im not very good with people and talking and having a laugh or anything and although there my family and they know whats wrong its still hard not to look or act strange it may be something i do or say but i just know something bads going to happen that ive no control over.so i came back after seeing my sister and the three kids which was good to spend time with them because there father ran away with someone on the internet last christmas and spent all the money so they are needing father figures in there life now i dont know if i qualify but i am going to help anyway and i like spending time with my sister alot aswell i seem to get on with them alot better now that there idiot dads gone.so my girlfriend spent christmas with her dad and then when he went she was lonely and thats when i went home and i missed her aswell so that was good apart from my mum not getting her anything for christmas and now shes fell out with my mum.so i went to my mums and dads for the bells and my sister stayed for a couple of days again and it was great we were drinking and talking as much as i could, spending time with my sister really helps my social skills but there still not good enough for a funeral i'll just have to do my best ,my sister got me a brilliant pressent its an mp3 player and ive got all my songs on it .i've really been neglecting my relaxation and hope to get back to it soon