Stuart's Blog

hi there, hope you are well, i went fishing with my nephew steven today and my girlfriend and me went to the shops this morning and got a hat for him then she drove to my sisters where we picked him up them went to the river,it was a good day but he was struggling because he hasnt done that sort of fishing before, he was saying it was his worst fishing trip and that his hands were cold even though he had gloves on,the weather was not bad there was a bit of wind but mostly calm and a bit of drizzle aswell, i hope he wants to go again somewhere although its hard to get to places when you cant drive and my girlf cant drive us everywhere because thats not fair on her so the next thing on my agenda is to get a drivers licence, i wish now that i had not gone over the edge because i was taking lessons and nearly ready for the test when things started to unfold and i got delusional so after the fishing my girlf gave steven a lift home then took me up to my mums,i was really worn out from doing all that and went for a lie down and took my tablets.so its been an eventful day for me and mt girlf the two of us have really done lots of social stuff and things and her cbt book has 2 pages full of things we done today and had to do.i see my cpn on monday and have got alot to tell her i hope i dont forget because i get poverty of thought and dont know what to say and cant explain things properly some days i dont even say anything and that really annoys my girlf but cant help it she has to push me to get me talking, anyway thats me ,thanks for reading,good bye and have a nice day or a good sleep.

hi everyone,stuart here,i have been getting ready for taking steven out fishing and i am all set ,me and the girlfriend went for a walk down the river 2 days ago and i found another place where i can fish so i am going to take my float rod and real aswell as my fly fishing gear and if he gets bored he can do a bit of float fishing aswell, i have phoned my sister and she seems happy enough for me to take care of him for a while so she must trust me enough even though i take antipychotics.i have been getting on with things even though i am not feeling at my best i dont let it get me down, i think judy was right when she said sometimes when you are phisically sick you can feel mentally better because when i had the cold/flu i felt better but it faded away as i became well again i just got it into my head that it was the anti biotics because i got them both at the same time and although i'm only taking them for my spots on my back i thought there could be an ingrediant in them that might be beneficial, i think i will bring it up with my cpn.

hope you are alright,stuart

hi everyone,hope your well,i have been feeling good the last few days and i hope it continues but it seems like its slowly fading away and i dont know why i feel so good ,it started the night after i started to take my antibiotics and it might be a breakthrough, anyway i have been going out to the pub the other day and that was good ,i go to my mum/dads house tommorow and my dad thought i had another episode but i told him not to worry and that i was fine ,i think i said the wrong thing to my gran but it should be alright. my girlfriend has been doing really well with her cbt cognitive behavioural therapy and she didnt even need her reminder with her today which is extraordinary, she allways has to write something on the back of her hand which she says when she doesn't feel good to make her more secure and she has got to do a certain amount of tasks a day which she writes down in her note book, so the two of us are doing really well and my mums still doing her sign language course at college but has an exam coming up and my dads not bad just now either.thats me for now hopefully things are good for you too and long may it continue.bye.

hi everybody,doing well i hope, today has been one of the best days since i got schiz i managed to have a natural conversation with my girlfriend this morning and we talked for ages and i wasn't worried about what i said because i was in a good frame of mind and my breathing was great although i think it is starting to fade away now hopefully i will be keeping these feelings and emotions for a while but i am not convinced.i have got a cold and i have just started a course of antibiotics for spots so mabye thats got something to do with it,on monday i took 2 antib's instead of one and was on a high so now i have got the dose right,anyway i have got a new avatar next to my name and its of pegasis the flying horse, i use to go horse riding and i love them i also came across a good poem about it which i will now quote.

he could not be captured
hecould not be bought
his running was rhythm
his standing was thought
with one eye on sorrow
and one eye on mirth
he galloped in heaven
and gambolled on earth

and only the poet
with wings on his brain
can mount him and ride him
without any rein
the stallion of heaven
the steed of the skies
the horse of the singer
who sings as he flies

i think this is one of the best poems i have heard for a while i hope you like it

stuart

hi everyone,i forgot to write about my visit to the gp yesterday i dont think i was with it very much but i went on monday and the doc told me my dizziness was probably pre-faint or the start of a really bad migraine it felt like i was about to faint anyway so she was sneezing and i got the cold/flu from her but its not her fault she couldn't help it.i was breathing well last night slow and steady,i was a bit scared though that i might stop breathing but didn't panic,i replied to a post and the girl said she could relate to what i said because i really dont think these things just happen, i think one thing leads to another and you end up somewhere you dont want to be and get stuck then you spend the rest of the time trying to get back to the beginning of when it all happened and hopefully you can stay that way,i'm hoping i can stop my anxiety and maybe it will be that i stop my schiz at the same time because i think there all related to each other in some way or an other.i am going to put my relaxation cd on tonight.i allways find it hard to reply to posts i dont know why maybe i just can't relate to them or i think that i'm not a member of there club or something anyway i get really paranoid about my posts so i am trying to take it really slowly and not to make me feel so bad about it also i cant think of any more poems its just a blank so thats not good and i dont want to make a fool of myself.
wishing you the best of health,stuart189

hi everyone,hope your all well,i have been at my mums house and we were sorting out the fishing gear because i'm taking my nephew down to the river with me in a couple of weeks,me and my dad have alot of gear that we didnt know we had because we got alot of stuff from my grandad sam when he died and my dad bought my nephew a rod and i'm getting the permits aswell ,i just hope that my sister trusts me enough to take care of him ,i think it should be alright though because shes been talking to me for a couple of years while i was stable and knows i can be trusted but i,ll ask her anyway.i was also doing some fingerspelling with my mum and shes doing really well,i think she needs more practice with her bsl for her exam and assesments, sorry i just got into trouble for not mentioning my girlfriend alison who has problems socializing and being around people she is the one that is actually driving us down there and back again and i am really grateful.all the best,stuart.

hi all,yesterday was a horrific day for me i went to the shops at 9.30am and while i was there my eye sight went al wierd and i was really dizzy and dissorientated, i thought i was going to collapse and had to sit down for five minutes then i got up and it happened again so i went outside and it went away, i didn't know what it was so i phoned my cpn but she wasn't there and she said she would phone back,by this time i was going spare thinking all sorts of things and i had a headache and thought it might be connected,when my cpn phoned she told me i wasn't the tablets that done it and to take them and then make an appointment to see my gp doctor so i see him on monday and maybe he'll know, i need to tell him about the lump at the back of my ear anyway thats came back after getting it cut away,i'm still stable though and haven't been drinking since monday so i'll see if i can last a week then maybe switch to non alcoholic drink if i can.all the best, stuart

hi there, the weekend has been a bit hectic, my sister came over with her children and she went out to a birthday party at a nightclub and left the three boys with us, they were really good though and had a dvd to watch so that and the playstation kept them busy , i stayed in the kitchen with steven having some vodka but not getting drunk, the next day when the kids had gone i went to the pub, i cant help it maybe i'm reverting back to when i was drunk all the time and puked everywhere all the time but i havent got that bad yet and hope i dont i'll just have to try and be careful if i can.my cpn came to see me today and i told her i had been to the pub and she never said i was being bad ,she thought it was good i was getting out and trying to socialize ,she was asking me what was hard about talking to someone and if i thought it was easy and i said it wasn't easy that i can't have a natural flowing expressive conversation and it was hard to connect to people because my feelings are blunted its like i am pretending to be normal all the time and it really wears you down, i find it hard to care about things now things you would normally cry over doesn't seem to affect me for some reason and it can give a bad impression maybe the drink is a form of escapism i dont know i just know if i dont take the tablets i begin to lose the plot and become another problem for my family to worry about so i'll keep taking and maybe i'll snap out of it ,i just wish i was that lucky.thats all from me,take care and have a nice day or a good sleep,all the best,stuart.

hi there people,this week i have been swimming and played badminton and i went to the pub today also, i have been thinking about going to another place thats not far from my mum/dads house its a bowling club and it has its own green aswell as a pool/snooker table so it sound quite good the only thing is i dont really know who goes there apart from the person who told me about it and i need to see him again to ask when he goes so we can meet up but apart from that i have been fine ,i still get paranoid about what to say in my posts and when i'm in chat, i don't know if you get that but i still try it ,i'm scared i might offend someone but i'm alright at writing in this blog i hope anyway my girlfriend wants me to ask my cpn if she could get her an application form for horse riding i dont know if i told you this before but my old p/doc ran a charity and got me involved from when i was in hospital and i was on the horse once a week for about 8 weeks and it was great and i want to do it again i only stopped because i thought this girl was scared of me or something but it was all in my head ,so if i can do that it will give me something to do and its just around the corner from where my girlfriend lives aswell so thats good.thanks for reading,stuart.

hi there, i was playing pool with a guy called john and he was brand new ,i had a couple of pints aswell, just to make it clear i dont go out looking to get drunk i know my limitations and i know i shouldn't be drinking on tablets but it has been tryed and tested and i know it doesn't cause me any ill effects just as long as i only have 1 or 2 and thats all, anyway i use to get really drunk on vodka but stopped it due to side effects and it was starting to effect my family and thats not good,i've been trying to get my dad to stop drinking but he doesn't listen, even the smallest amount like a can or something can have a bad effect on him because of his liver and abdomen and although he thinks he can handle it he only stops when he starts throwing up blood and bleeding and thats not good,so john is a mate of me and dad, my dad new a guy called rab who was a wrestler and its his nephew and we were trying to get his car on the road but he couldn't afford insurance so it was a bit of a waste of time but thats how we met.i have been thinking about going back to work in the garage but if its anything like the last time i wouldn't do it when it was with my dad it was alright we weren't rushed but when we were with archie you never got a break and were constantly on your feet which added to my already fragile mind,maybe i'm just deluding myself i have forgot most of it now anyway and haven't worked for about 6-7 yrs now and without drivers license it would be pointless.thanks for reading, stuart.