WAGblog

Music continues

The following are the lyrics to the songs, so to speak, the messages from the singing voices:

"The Police hate you, Wagner, police hate you, Wagner, police hate you, Wagner, for that." Last night, it was "Police hate W, Police hate W," but today it is clearly, "you, Wagner." I haven't been told what "that" is. I think I am supposed to know, but I'm trying not to, and trying not to speculate...

"We're coming, we're coming, we're coming back!" Ditto for who the "we" means. Tho' I suppose it only means the voices themselves, which is stating the obvious.

"Regarding this one, pray remove!" I fear they want me removed here. Note that this time I am "this one" in contemptuous third person, lowercase, whereas when they wanted to blame me a few days ago, I was The One in second Person uppercase, who had a Duty to do...

"Awful will our anger be, awful, awful, awful, awful!" mmmmmhh. Dunno what to do with this last one esp. repeated in many voices, single voices, sequential and harmonic, in many tunes and tones, sounding like like an opera or classical piece that focuses on one line as a repeated theme, changing it but keeping the words the same...Don't know how to describe what I mean (don't know classical music or the words used!) but I hear the music so clearly and wish I could imitate it to sing it! Now they are repeating all of the above lines in a frantic jumble of lyrics and melodies...Still later: After that final burst, they quieted a bit and subsided to a single muted theme without words, for a while at any rate.

Now I realize I'd better say something about not believing them, or Paula-of-the-lengthy- comment-fame and Dr O will worry...So, okay, I understand the above is not real, that it is a description of musical hallucinations that only I hear, no one else. But, I want to say, I DO hear them, and everything I say is the truth otherwise, is fact. How could it be otherwise. It is factual experience, even if no one else experiences it! How can you say it isn't? I could transcibe this music and make it "real" music if I knew how. If I were "mad Schuman," I would do so, as indeed he did, "channeling" Schubert! How can anyone say his music wasn't real??? Or that mine isn't? Just because it is unpleasant for the most part? Maybe if I could transcribe it, and thereby get rid of it, like catching a poem instead of letting it boil over in my head, I'd not mind this phenomenon so much...But I don't write music and don't believe this stuff is very good, not worthy of writing down, so it goes on festering and worrying itself into a bigger and bigger crack in the LP (can a crack in plastic fester? Oh, my mixéd metaphors!) Anyhow, you get my drift, I trust?

But I was talking about reassurance and I can do that: I assure them and all who read this that I am not going to listen to the messages I am given by these lyrics, no matter what they might tell me or command me to do, or seem to. I have made that commitment -- to staying alive and I intend to do so, and that includes all acts that so much as contain a possibility of threatening it. No, I can't always keep in my head the complete certainty that these voices are not real, not in the sense that they are ME...But I can refuse to listen. I hope that is enough to reassure you, cuz it is the best I can do.

Posted by pamwagg at April 27, 2006 09:54 AM