Thoughts about this and that
I've been on the Haldol 10mg for a few days now and it seems to be helping finally. Though I still hear the music, the actual messages are unintelligible again and the music itself is much softer and in the background as it should be. I don't even really need to play the radio to drown it out anymore, that's how diminished it has been today. Hurrah!
While I do not usually leave my apartment, I have taken three walks in the last five days. Not very long ones, only a mile or so, and only with Joe, but at least I have actually put on my shoes and brushed my (dirty) hair and gotten out in the sunshine, such as it was. I never realized it had gotten so warm until today Joe told me it was shorts weather and that I didn't need the sweatshirt I'd been wearing all day! It was delicious to finally go outside and feel warm, even in the wind. Now I need to take a shower, on my own without prompting, for the first time in...well, several weeks.
My newest interest in natural history has taken me to geology, which I was always interested in, ever since I took a geology for poets course in college but which I never felt capable of teaching myself, though I have tried to over the years. Now, suddenly, I feel like it is coming together, that I finally "get it," get something, can see what I couldn't before about what makes one rock, say a granite, granite and not basalt and so forth. I can only test myself using pictures at the moment, since where I live is all pavement and/or grassy lawns, not a rock or pebble in sight. But I'm not far from Dinosaur State Park, where, from the very name, you can guess there are geological formations of some interest, including the famous footprints...
What I need to do, once I have some more of this under my belt and feel rather more comfortable that I understand it than I do now, is to do some synthesizing of botany and the plant cycle of natural history with this geological appreciation...Why do plants grow where they grow? How does geology influence the growth of forests or grasslands or desert scrubland etc. How do we affect these as well? And questions like that. How do plants affect geology, since after all plants are the basis for all coal and trees control erosion and wetlands affect river delta growth...
The thing is, it is hard, very hard, for me to muster the -- I dunno what it is actually, the mental cohesiveness, psychic energy, the pulling together, the something! to think about it, just to sit and think. It hurts my brain to sit and think, and it is too hard to do so! I can't keep anything in my brain long enough! And to actually lay out questions and possibilities and cross them over and oppose one to another and answer them seems daunting beyond possibility. I have to write things down just to remember where and what I was thinking about, what my train of thought was in the first place. But perhaps, using a piece of paper, I can at least "think" through some elementary synthesis about these processes and thereby solidify what is, right now, a shaky, fragmented, purely fact by fact kind of understanding. It feels soooo hard to actually think, without a thinking aid like a picture to remind me what I am supposed to be attending to. That seems to be the only way I can concentrate these days: using pictures of some sort to help me get information into my head, whether they be imaginary or actual. If I don't visually see what I have to think about, actually see it, and have that image to refer to, I almost cannot keep my mind on it or keep it in mind...I'll literally forget what I was thinking about and have to work to retrieve it without that picture.
Does this mean anything to you guys out there?
Posted by pamwagg at May 29, 2006 07:58 PM
Dear Pam,
Below I've copied and pasted a portion of what you've written. I think I understand. I think I get it.
Yes, it's also very hard for me to concentrate and to brings things together into something cohesive as you so eloquently write.
But what I see in you is a bright and inquisitive mind. Your interested in the world and in how things work. I don't think any of us have all the answers. If we're lucky we have a lot of questions and you certainly do.
I have good visual memory. I can remember a face almost forever, but ask me to give you direction to Main Street... forget it.
When you write and I read your writing.... I think ... Wow... yes.... I know what she's talking about. I feel it.
Best wishes,
Yaya, aka Moeder
www.mindadvocate.com
From Pam's writings.......
The thing is, it is hard, very hard, for me to muster the -- I dunno what it is actually, the mental cohesiveness, psychic energy, the pulling together, the something! to think about it, just to sit and think. It hurts my brain to sit and think, and it is too hard to do so! I can't keep anything in my brain long enough! And to actually lay out questions and possibilities and cross them over and oppose one to another and answer them seems daunting beyond possibility. I have to write things down just to remember where and what I was thinking about, what my train of thought was in the first place. But perhaps, using a piece of paper, I can at least "think" through some elementary synthesis about these processes and thereby solidify what is, right now, a shaky, fragmented, purely fact by fact kind of understanding. It feels soooo hard to actually think, without a thinking aid like a picture to remind me what I am supposed to be attending to. That seems to be the only way I can concentrate these days: using pictures of some sort to help me get information into my head, whether they be imaginary or actual. If I don't visually see what I have to think about, actually see it, and have that image to refer to, I almost cannot keep my mind on it or keep it in mind...I'll literally forget what I was thinking about and have to work to retrieve it without that picture.
Posted by: yaya99 at June 2, 2006 08:28 PM
Your thoughts on natural history are interesting and original.
I have the experience of losing my thoughts, and I'm thinking it might be a side effect of medication - in my case it seems to be Abilify. But I can't seem to live without it.
Thanks for the idea of using pictures to ground thoughts. I'll try that.
Posted by: Barbara Baxter at May 31, 2006 12:39 AM
Dear Pammy,
Yes, I am experiencing the same phenomenon that you are, but in my case, I believe it is connected to the ADD that consumes me now, that I did not have for the greater part of my life. I can best explain my version by using my experience with running(my greatest joy). In the beginning(how biblical) I was a total purist. I distained all aids of diversion and concentrated on my ability to endure"the loneliness of the long distance runner". I then began to run with friends, chatting away, and I was amazed at how the time seemed to fly when my mind was engaged in discussing anything from philosophy to politics in the predawn darkness. Next came the discovery that music greatly enhanced the joy of my run, and at times I almost danced rather than ran to the beat of the "oldies" which I chose because they conjured memories of the past and were invariably fast paced and short, one following the other in quick progression. I now find that if I must run inside on my treadmill, I need a visual stimulus as well. Sound alone is not enough, so I have compiled a library of music DVD's by my favorite artists, and it once more gives me the fuel I need to run enough to shift to right brain thinking and nirvana. I wonder what will come next? Will I require an entire live symphonic orchestra to keep me going? I don't know. I think that our intellectual, physical, and cosmic needs are an example of our own personal evolution. For me, change is as necessary as the sun shining upon my uplifted face. Was I tangential, or did I answer your question?
Lovingly, Petunia
Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at May 30, 2006 01:25 PM
Yes.
For a long time I've realized that pictures are easier for my schizophrenic mind to grasp than words. As I understand myself the way my thought process is naturally inclined is toward the concrete; it likes objects, not abstractions. There are little clues. My husband will say, "his ship came in" while talking about his co-worker and if I'm tired (less in control) I'll say "why are we talking about ships now?"
I suspect that the schizophrenic illness attacks the upper brain, the newer part that is responsible for intelligence and abstract thinking. What then emerges as predominate in conscious thought is the older, lower part of the brain. The primitive brain thinks in pictures and weds the three parts of (concrete, abstract, & emotion) symbology together in meaning. For example, over a month ago I planted a packet of morning glory seeds. I kept on checking the window box to see if my seeds had sprouted. My feelings about my life somehow got wedded to the image of those tiny, dry seeds. I kept on saying to my husband that they would never grow, I just couldn't believe that they would grow for me, maybe someone else but not me, they were rotting, and that the seed company was lying to us and everyone else. I know my thinking was borderline magical, not logical. When those seeds first broke the dirt I was estatic. It was like everything about life and hope had been proved anew. Day after day my mind savored the image of a transluscent white pearl lying in dirt - what the morning glory plant head looked like when it first emerged. I felt awe.
Of course people who don't have schizophrenia can be happy about gardening and green growth because everyone has a primitive brain and it influences their daily living. The difference is a matter of proportion. I do remember as a child watching a bean sprout. It was a kindergarden activity. You put the bean between two wet paper towels and check back every day. After it sprouts it is planted in dirt. Children probably experience more of the primitive brain's function in consciousness than the evolutionary advanced part. This is because their brain tissue is still being formed and growing inside their skull. Much of the magic of childhood is the interpretation of the world by the primitive brain.
Part of my pain in living in mainstream society is that I'm socializing with people who use their brain differently from me. I, like some other schizophrenic persons I know, am childish. I can act like a mature adult - but it often feels just like that - acting. I know exactly when I am "blending" in mainstream society and when something else breaks free. The people who love me just roll with my childlike qualities; eating with my hands, misprouncing big words, and choice of subject matter to talk about (morning glory seeds for instance).
Posted by: Karen Blair at May 30, 2006 08:10 AM
Early
Schizophrenia Screening Test
Dear Pam,
Below I've copied and pasted a portion of what you've written. I think I understand. I think I get it.
Yes, it's also very hard for me to concentrate and to brings things together into something cohesive as you so eloquently write.
But what I see in you is a bright and inquisitive mind. Your interested in the world and in how things work. I don't think any of us have all the answers. If we're lucky we have a lot of questions and you certainly do.
I have good visual memory. I can remember a face almost forever, but ask me to give you direction to Main Street... forget it.
When you write and I read your writing.... I think ... Wow... yes.... I know what she's talking about. I feel it.
Best wishes,
Yaya, aka Moeder
www.mindadvocate.com
From Pam's writings.......
The thing is, it is hard, very hard, for me to muster the -- I dunno what it is actually, the mental cohesiveness, psychic energy, the pulling together, the something! to think about it, just to sit and think. It hurts my brain to sit and think, and it is too hard to do so! I can't keep anything in my brain long enough! And to actually lay out questions and possibilities and cross them over and oppose one to another and answer them seems daunting beyond possibility. I have to write things down just to remember where and what I was thinking about, what my train of thought was in the first place. But perhaps, using a piece of paper, I can at least "think" through some elementary synthesis about these processes and thereby solidify what is, right now, a shaky, fragmented, purely fact by fact kind of understanding. It feels soooo hard to actually think, without a thinking aid like a picture to remind me what I am supposed to be attending to. That seems to be the only way I can concentrate these days: using pictures of some sort to help me get information into my head, whether they be imaginary or actual. If I don't visually see what I have to think about, actually see it, and have that image to refer to, I almost cannot keep my mind on it or keep it in mind...I'll literally forget what I was thinking about and have to work to retrieve it without that picture.
Posted by: yaya99 at June 2, 2006 08:28 PM
Your thoughts on natural history are interesting and original.
I have the experience of losing my thoughts, and I'm thinking it might be a side effect of medication - in my case it seems to be Abilify. But I can't seem to live without it.
Thanks for the idea of using pictures to ground thoughts. I'll try that.
Posted by: Barbara Baxter at May 31, 2006 12:39 AM
Dear Pammy,
Yes, I am experiencing the same phenomenon that you are, but in my case, I believe it is connected to the ADD that consumes me now, that I did not have for the greater part of my life. I can best explain my version by using my experience with running(my greatest joy). In the beginning(how biblical) I was a total purist. I distained all aids of diversion and concentrated on my ability to endure"the loneliness of the long distance runner". I then began to run with friends, chatting away, and I was amazed at how the time seemed to fly when my mind was engaged in discussing anything from philosophy to politics in the predawn darkness. Next came the discovery that music greatly enhanced the joy of my run, and at times I almost danced rather than ran to the beat of the "oldies" which I chose because they conjured memories of the past and were invariably fast paced and short, one following the other in quick progression. I now find that if I must run inside on my treadmill, I need a visual stimulus as well. Sound alone is not enough, so I have compiled a library of music DVD's by my favorite artists, and it once more gives me the fuel I need to run enough to shift to right brain thinking and nirvana. I wonder what will come next? Will I require an entire live symphonic orchestra to keep me going? I don't know. I think that our intellectual, physical, and cosmic needs are an example of our own personal evolution. For me, change is as necessary as the sun shining upon my uplifted face. Was I tangential, or did I answer your question?
Lovingly, Petunia
Posted by: Paula Kirkpatrick at May 30, 2006 01:25 PM
Yes.
For a long time I've realized that pictures are easier for my schizophrenic mind to grasp than words. As I understand myself the way my thought process is naturally inclined is toward the concrete; it likes objects, not abstractions. There are little clues. My husband will say, "his ship came in" while talking about his co-worker and if I'm tired (less in control) I'll say "why are we talking about ships now?"
I suspect that the schizophrenic illness attacks the upper brain, the newer part that is responsible for intelligence and abstract thinking. What then emerges as predominate in conscious thought is the older, lower part of the brain. The primitive brain thinks in pictures and weds the three parts of (concrete, abstract, & emotion) symbology together in meaning. For example, over a month ago I planted a packet of morning glory seeds. I kept on checking the window box to see if my seeds had sprouted. My feelings about my life somehow got wedded to the image of those tiny, dry seeds. I kept on saying to my husband that they would never grow, I just couldn't believe that they would grow for me, maybe someone else but not me, they were rotting, and that the seed company was lying to us and everyone else. I know my thinking was borderline magical, not logical. When those seeds first broke the dirt I was estatic. It was like everything about life and hope had been proved anew. Day after day my mind savored the image of a transluscent white pearl lying in dirt - what the morning glory plant head looked like when it first emerged. I felt awe.
Of course people who don't have schizophrenia can be happy about gardening and green growth because everyone has a primitive brain and it influences their daily living. The difference is a matter of proportion. I do remember as a child watching a bean sprout. It was a kindergarden activity. You put the bean between two wet paper towels and check back every day. After it sprouts it is planted in dirt. Children probably experience more of the primitive brain's function in consciousness than the evolutionary advanced part. This is because their brain tissue is still being formed and growing inside their skull. Much of the magic of childhood is the interpretation of the world by the primitive brain.
Part of my pain in living in mainstream society is that I'm socializing with people who use their brain differently from me. I, like some other schizophrenic persons I know, am childish. I can act like a mature adult - but it often feels just like that - acting. I know exactly when I am "blending" in mainstream society and when something else breaks free. The people who love me just roll with my childlike qualities; eating with my hands, misprouncing big words, and choice of subject matter to talk about (morning glory seeds for instance).
Posted by: Karen Blair at May 30, 2006 08:10 AM