July 11, 2007
The States of Mind (Blog)
It's been a long time. I've been away from writing, especially on mental health. Here's a new blog started by me and a friend who's a mental health professional. We would be writing as a dialogue on issues of mental health - me as a consumer and she as a professional. Do visit it. I don't have any plans of writing further on this blog.
The States Of Mind - http://thestatesofmind.blogspot.com
August 13, 2006
A new beginning
I thought it would be my last post. But here is another one.
I sit in the heat of the night. The place is a room on the terrace. My new home; newly found freedom. I understand however, that this freedom is just a physical separation. Along with it if I try to bring a mental and emotional separation, I would be deceiving myself for the rest of my life. I need things to work out, I need to work things out. I am still waiting for the doc to start the counseling sessions. I need to know, to know how my life is entangled; know where this knot is going. The powerful classical Indian song has faded out, just to fade in to a new one. My head still aches.
July 01, 2006
NORMAL - This was what I asked my friend sandeepa to write down what makes sandeepa and another common friend of ours make them think that now I've started acting normally. However, I just got to know that the common friend gave an advice to sandeepa not to write it out with all her emotions, rather to shorten it to include only the specifics. Here it is -
Well I cant really tell u how u have changed or have become normal in my sense at least. I am not normal either to judge you. As you often say
“Everyone is a little crazy except you and me
And even thou are little cracked.”
Yet there are these signs of hope. I feel normal talking to you, which is a big step considering the fact that I always thought you were a little more out of reach and if I may say cold. You were all logical thinking which is really not a bad a thing as I myself am like that (I know you may disagree). Yet now you have started feeling and you are more open to discussions. You really listen to what I say previously I thought you didn’t. I guess these are minute changes for you and you might have not noticed. But I guess the biggest thing is the fact that you feel the emotions in you…I know its overwhelming at times but it’s nice to see what you really feel. The anger, pain, the tears and the laughter which I feel for the first time you can actually feel. As I told earlier it may not be so great for you but it has made reaching to you much easier. Understanding you much easier and that is something significant. I don’t know how to react to certain things yet, but you have changed and that is good. Feel like everyone else has given you also the strength to understand other people more and has lend you that touch which makes you really humane in every sense. You are now capable fully to make you decisions. Not with what you heard in your head but your own conscious decisions. Something that you wanted to do, want to do. That all. I am sorry if it was intellectual or something but its as simple as that.
June 24, 2006
Its the same old shit. He would start scolding me. It would become a fight. Of all the shit he said, he wouldn't even later acknowledge. Mom who listened to it all never supported. sister always had enuff problems to flee away. I was left with more shit to deal with.
goddamn it. leave me alone. my own people tried to destroy me and then again try to get me closer to them emotionally and the whole cycle would repeat.
I can survive alone. i dont need anyone. and if u want to continue this way. so be it. kill or be killed. so be it.
I am not in a creative mode. Wrote a couply of crappy poems. Here's "The Outlaw Torn" by Metallica that describes my current state. The 'you' here is referring to the inner me...
The Outlaw Torn
You know I wait my whole lifetime for you
I ride the dirt I ride the tide for you
I search the outside search inside for you
To take back what you left me
I know I'll always burn to be
No one seeks so I may find
And now I wait my whole lifetime
My whole lifetime
So on I wait my whole lifetime for you
So on I wait my whole lifetime for you
The more I search the more my need for you
The more I blast the more I bleed for you
You make me smash the clock and feel
I'd rather die behind the wheel
Time was never on my side
So on I wait my whole lifetime
My whole lifetime
And I'm torn
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
And if my face becomes sincere
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
And when you see me stretched remind me of what left this
And if I close my mind in fear
Please pry it open
And if my face becomes sincere
And when I start to come undone
Stitch me together
And when you see me stretched remind me of what left this
I don't feel like turning 23. That's tomorrow. Adios amigos! I hope I do win. One way or the other.
June 23, 2006
It has been a tough time. With a minimal dosage of haloperidol, and yet no paranoia. I think i'm moving towards bipolar. I relied on the voices so much, for so long, that now, without them, I feel a void inside me. Whenever I needed some help, I would start talking to him. And I would get my answers. It gave me whatever I needed to know, be it good or bad. It was there to help me chalk out my plans, to accept survival and how, or whether to reject it. Without it, without him, I couldn't even think about doing anything. I knew I had someone to fall back on. That fight is no more valid. I needed to be myself and work things out. But that too, seemed ironic. I'm in a state as I was earlier, when I had just joined college, living in the hostel. No friends, no contacts, building up new relationships, and most importantly, being with myself.
My friend has been helping me get over this dilemma of no more voices. I know now that there are friends and family to help me out, but I also realize the extent to which they can help. Ultimately, metallica again "...[I am]by myself, but not alone..." ...."no one but me can save myself but its too late..." I don't know whether the Bourne is still alive in me or not. I don't know if it can ever be laid to rest. But with or without myself, I know that life must go on.
June 18, 2006
Problems when hospitalized
One of the things that I was completely unprepared for during my stay at the hospital was memory loss. I had been put on around 10 medications day and night that for the 8 days I stayed there, I recall a few bits and pieces only. I don't remember all the day care activities like dancing, singing, drama practices they made me do. I don't remember whether my mom used to come alone or with my dad to visit me. I took my phone inside with the pretext that my books were on it in digital form, and I don't remember more than 5 hours of talks I had with my friends during that time, but I have the calls recorded on my phone so I have something to listen to in order to remind me if it does happen. However, it was all worth the stay there!
June 09, 2006
I didn't give my exams and will be repeating the year.
I was having trouble walking down the stairs as I felt weak and had to take support from the railing. This little observation made my doc really happy as he told me that I'm stabilizing and he reduced my haloperidol. Another conversation with my doc led me to tell him that this friend who had a similar problem was calling me up and I was not responding as I didn't feel like talking to him about his problems. He told me that that is a good thing to do. He told me that I need to conserve my own emotional resources as I needed to stabilize. It's like, he remembered his psychotherapy professor telling him, that you can feed a dog only if you have food in your own pockets (or another similar analogy). You cannot feed a dog when you don't have any food on you. I think that that is one major problem that we encounter. We are most of the times caught up in our own emotional turmoil and still try to help other's out to the extent that we use up all our emotional resources and fall sick again.
A couple of days ago I came back from bangalore, a city in southern India, far away from the capital of the India, Delhi, where I reside. I had gone there for a workshop on the research project my sister and I are working on together. It was a great experience, and I learnt the little that I could understand from the dense essays that we had to present. My sister had been doing all the research by herself all this time as I wasn't keeping well, and so, I got so anxious (I realize now that that was what it was) by the last day that I felt so weak not knowing anything about our research results and got a bit paranoid that I slept through the presentation of our draft. My sister told our mentors that I had food poisoning and presented the draft herself.
It was a 3 day seminar and we were in bangalore for 4 days. We were surprised to see that the city has such a big reading culture that there was a 3-storeyed building of second-hand books called Blossoms, along with numerous other small stores on the same street. We spent all our money on buying second-hand books to the extent that we had to borrow more money from mom to pay for our transport when we reached home!
I'm now trying to focus on studying the 3 carry over papers that I'll have to give this semester along with the regular papers. Man, I hate studying these books that i've studied so many times and not cleared, mainly because they have got a lot to remember, which is something that I have trouble doing. I know I just need a good strategy to work this out. Hail Puzli :P ;)
May 21, 2006
Money & phone calls
I’ve always been paranoid of being without money. This sense of insecurity stemmed partly due to my dad’s financial crisis, and a lot due to my constant plans to run away from home and then being without money and a job. The consequences of thinking about this seemed to bring about a futility in the need for existence. This was fuelled every time when the phone bill was too high and I got blamed for it, without my fault. Even now, when my mom tells me to keep my phone call short, this sense of insecurity rises from its hidden caves beneath my skin, making the hair stand all over. But now, as I was told the same again by my mom, I realize her sense of concern, and I talked it out with her as to why she keeps on telling me even when I know about the financial situation. I would talk for a long time even when I knew the financial situation for it is one of the things that keep me sane. It is the only thing I’m spending money on these days.
April 19, 2006
Live to win, dare to fail !!
I haven't been able to study and my exams are around the corner. I think I'll have to repeat another year. That would make it thrice that I'm repeating an academic year. Initially I was completely against the whole idea. It had been more years repeated than I could handle. My greatest fear was losing out on hanging out with friends, which spiralled me back into depression. But then I realized that it was the illness that spiralled me into depression. I never did mind being isolated. So I've accepted the fact that I might have to repeat a year. I only hope I get the degree before they kick me out of the system for being unfit to study, a stupid rule that they have here. Tell me if the rule is there in your country.
Live to win, dare to fail!
Just wanted to inform u all that booze is highly contraindicatory to our meds. I had been having booze regularly for 10 days before I got hospitalized, and the doc said that it was the reason that precipitated my illness. So stay away from it guys!!!
April 18, 2006
Change in Inevitable and Emptiness is Inexhaustible
It's the friend shedding season going on in my life. 4 girls have stopped talking to me. Here I go with the explanations -
The first girl told me jokingly that she doesn't want to talk to me forever, and I when I asked her whether she was serious and she confirmed, I stopped talking to her. Later, I told her let's break the cold war, and after long discussions with some fights, she told me that you can talk to me but I won't talk to u even when she had been joking earlier about not wanting to talk to me!
The second girl, whom I proposed told me laughingly that she likes our relationship as it is, just as friends. Later, I started getting threat calls from her ex and his 'gunda' friends. What ensued was a fight because she told me that I had ruined her life. There, we broke up and stopped talking to each other forever.
The third friend was upset with me that I had talked abusively to her while I was in hospital. I told her that I didn't even remember anything I did when I was in hospital coz i was so heavily drugged. She told me that you blame everything on your illness. She stopped talking to me.
The fourth girl had a fight with some guy, and because of that told me that she won't be talking to any guy now. She's stopped talking to me.
So there's the friend shedding season going on in my life
I wrote a poem about the 2nd and the 3rd girl not talking to me, but as usual, I want to get them published in my book and am too paranoid to put them up here!
But I don't mind any of it for change is inevitable, and emptiness is inexhaustible.
March 26, 2006
Schizophrenia > schizoaffective disorder > bipolar disorder
I just wanted to point this out to all.
My diagnosis earlier was schizohprenia. It is now schizoaffective disorder. My earlier diagnosis was correct as is this one. As my doc explained, since my illness started out when I was relatively young, there are 3 possible diagnosis criteria - schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, bipolar disorder with schizotypical personality. At teh earliest stages I showed all the symptoms of acute schizophrenia. Now, as I've aged, it has changed its course, and so the diagnosis has been changed. Later on, if it again changes its course, the diagnosis may need to be changed again, but at every change in diagnosis, the prognosis becomes better. It's that I've always had schizoaffective disorder, but the schizophnrenia symptoms were much stronger then.
March 19, 2006
Thank you all for your prayers. I've been out of hospital for quite some time now, but it is only today that I'm able to function to some extent. Thank you all for your prayers. They have been with me through my darkest fears.
My diagnosis has been confirmed as schizoaffective, and I've been put on lithium (for affective disorder), and haloperidol (for schizophrenia). Having been diagnosed with both the illnesses comes as a relief to the contrary, as the prognosis rates for this is better than the prognosis rate for the former. Two more medications are being used to stabilize me. Lithium initially gave me the worst form of side effects possible, though I do not know of any that haloperidol did. I've already got a lithium test done, and it was below normal so my meds have been upped. One of the scarier side effects of lithium is also testosterone imbalance, and thats got me a bit worried. Another lithium test scheduled this week, and more to follow on regular basis, as any lithium user already knows. I haven't had the time to do much research into these meds, which I plan to do, but lithium has one side effect of dehydration with salt loss, something that most of these meds have. So I've to make sure that I keep up the juices. More comes later...love life!
February 27, 2006
i'll be hospitalized tom, for the 1st time, voluntarily
January 04, 2006
Tai and me
Here is a piece of email conversation between my aunt and me. It starts with my aunt’s statement. However, I would like to hear ur views on "respect", as I'm still confused as to what it implies as "expectations" and what it implies wrt "dignity in earning and living".
“Relationships expect response but they deserve respect and discipline.”
“Well, firstly, that is exactly what i'm trying to tell u. Relationships expect response, but only when the hearts dont commune. Let me assume that I say "I expect u to do this for me". Now, supposing u do not do this for me, does that imply that I've lost my respect for u, just because u didn't do what I expected? Now, I've so many expectations from u, some of them crucial to make me love u. U do one thing wrong that goes against what I expect from u, it's like "I hate u", I don't respect u anymore. I disrespect u. I don't love u anymore. Are u seeing the play of opposites of here - hate/love, respect/disrespect...That, is the play of duality (what one would refer to as the veil cast upon us ( maya in hinduism), which is the play (lila) of god....and so on in other eastern religions. Neways, coming back to the point - when u say that "relationships expect response", ur directly implying a result, an ending that should come, an event that should take place, "through respect and discipline"...and if it doesn't then the whole duality begins again... What is important is not the end, it is the means. the means and ends are not separate. (u must have read this in one of my posts). only thru the means do we reach the ends, and only when we concentrate on the means, which are in the present, in the unknown, can we really reach the end, for if we try to stay within the realm of the ends directly, a self-projected image, a desire, the means will not allow us to reach it. Karma - action, reaction. "Karma karte jao, phal ki chinta naa karo."
(do u see the inherent role of the means in this too? ) I quote the Bhagavat Gita - "You are what your deep driving desire is/ as is ur desire, so is ur will/ as is ur will, so is ur deed/ as is ur deed, so is ur destiny."
All eastern religions talk about this duality, but all of them try to preach coming out of it through discipline - praying, meditation, proper (disicplined) lifestyle, offerings, donations and help for the needy, living in isolation, jap....the list goes on! Now, i'm not saying that helping the needy should not be done and is not rite, all i'm saying is that it cannot lead u to happiness. Search within urself.....have u found solace through all these things? unlimited, unbound happiness? or do u still cling on to some form of faith for solace, be it religious, obsessive, or something else? u have to be really careful with words!
we can go on to talk about discipline at the level u want to talk about it at, however, I do not have the time to go into it rite now. will write more later.”
“Now !! I am going to read your mail sentence by sentence and respond to some of it.
Assuming there is a relationship, that it self means there already is, a or some kind of response. And when you say," I expect you to do this for me",you are already breaking rule. Believe me there are rules in any relationship. Some rules are meant to be broken but relationships expect respect and that means you do not say," I expect you to do this for me". If it is not an understood feeling, by asking, you also loose respect. And every 'love' feeling doesn't change into an automatic 'hate' feeling. Love and hate are both very strong and misused words. Not two people can think alike just because they love each other. In fact freedom of thinking and accepting that the other person has a different point of view is process of growing. It is almost abusive to convey that, "what I expect from you is crucial in my loving you". Response to that should be that's your problem, deal with it. Emotional blackmailing is a form of abuse too at least among equals. We do blackmail children, but for obvious reasons. If they could think what is good for them we would call them grown ups :)
When you respect a relationship, expecting a result is not automatic. If you go by freedom of choice and free thought process. Two people have similar expectations, of being accepted, loved, appreciated and YET retain some part of theirs free from this relationship or any other relationship in their lives. That's the 'me' part, and I think for peace in your mind this me part plays a big role. Solace, abundant happiness and many such words must mean different things to different people. I think they are overrated myths.
I am not a big fan of the Hindu religion, a lot of it is for the sake of argument I think, or any other religion for that matter. Discipline for me is only that you live your life with restrain, responsibility and respect. But I expect the same from my relationships. And if not, well move on, not meant to be. Why invest energy in some thing that is not even fun to be with.
Talking personally, I live simply and honestly, I like and dislike people, I am opinionated, don't have much patience for people who challenge me for the heck of it. Believe in freedom of thinking the way I feel like rather than what I am expected to. I have a right to agree and disagree and so does the other person. And the best part is, if I don't like somebody or somebody doesn't like me, is fine with me.
Last sentence I want to respond to is, I don't want you to go on discussing 'discipline' with me on any level , I am not seeking a discussion with you. I am very comfortable with my views, frog in a well type :)”
“>>Not two people can think alike just because they love each other. In fact freedom of thinking and accepting that the other person has a different point of view is process of growing. It is almost abusive to convey that, "what I expect from you is crucial in my loving you". Response to that should be that's your problem, deal with it.
Ur absolutely right in saying this. But, this is one thing that u and I understand this. Most of the people facing emotional problems in this world have the problem of understanding this simple thing.
>>We do blackmail children, but for obvious reasons. If they could think what is good for them we would call them grown ups :)
I would not call it "blackmailing". I prefer to use the term "incentive structure" to describe it. Children do not understand the repercussions of their actions, so u give them a choice and let them choose from what they think will benefit themselves the most. This is the libertarian principle (pro-capitalist structure) that the seminar was all about. However, as u said, "it's ur problem and u deal with it" – implies that uve to let the other person make and learn from their own mistakes. That is the only way that understanding can really come.
>>Two people have similar expectations, of being accepted, loved, appreciated and YET retain some part of theirs free from this relationship or any other relationship in their lives. That's the 'me' part, and I think for peace in your mind this me part plays a big role. Solace, abundant happiness and many such words must mean different things to different people. I think they are overrated myths.
I see that u also understand what u describe as the "me" part. (many people do not, and I can say that through my personal experiences). Freedom, again, is the key issue. Do u see that ur answering what u wanted to know about libertarian principles urself. As far as solace/happiness and the rest of it is concerned, it is totally subjective, and I agree with u. However, I would like to pose the question as to why people still go on and cling to systems of faith/religion in order to gain something. I know people, old people, who have found happiness by working happily throughout their lives with this belief system, but ultimately, they still fear death. They see it as the end of happiness. They still have an inner urge to do something, fulfill something within themselves. (I don't think u have a problem with that, after all the pain uve been through. After all, uve lived ur life more than I have, so there might be somethings that I yet don't understand). That freedom from the fear of death is what I would define as true liberation, because otherwise it binds us to this constant cycle of conflicting emotions and desires. I can give u an example of how BG. I remember when u were here, she used to tell u that she wanted to help u out in the kitchen and function well, and u told her (if I remember correctly) that she shouldn't worry about these things now, that she should die peacefully.
>>Discipline for me is only that you live your life with restrain, responsibility and respect.
I agree with u that life should be lived responsibly. In whatever situation one is, everyone has some form of power, some form of control over someone else. Take the example of these political parties, all vying for power. And all of them are corrupt only because they do not realize that with power come responsibilities, which are ultimately based on ethics. (I will not go on to define ethics right now)
>>Believe in freedom of thinking the way I feel like rather than what I am expected to.
I think we like each other so much only because we share the same libertarian views.”
December 28, 2005
The update first, as it's been a long time. My exams were drawing closer and I was spiralling into depression due to stress. Didn't study for a week, and the stress increased the depression, which finally induced the voices again, which made me suicidal. But I'm still alive, as you can see, so all's well. Exams are over now (and I'll pass. only 3 practicals left), and then I'll have a month's hols :) But I've a lot to do and don't know whether I'll have the time to do everything I want to. Neways, that's irrelevant. What matters is that I give it my best!
I went to my doc and asked him how much alcohol I'm allowed, as I hadn't found a single source on the Net of it being contraindicatory with the meds. He said that 1 glass of beer i.e. 330ml. I asked if not two, and he said no. And definitely no hard drinks. He then explained the reason behind it. He told me that alcohol and the meds are both broken down in the liver by the same enzymes, and taking both creates a "traffic jam". One glass of beer has 20ml of alcohol, and it takes 4 hours to clear that much alcohol out of the liver, that's 5ml every hour. So if one takes 5ml of alcohol every hour, he won't be drunk! And ofcourse I won't be drinking one glass of beer in 4 hours, or not even in one hour. Going by my drinking speed, I won't take more than half an hour, so more than that is out of bounds.
Another thing I asked my doc was whether he had heard of Dr. Thomas Szasz, and his views on libertarian principles for the mentally ill. What I knew about him was that he proposed that schizophrenics should be allowed to decide whether they want to take their medications or not. My doc told me that Szasz's saying about schizohprenia was that "It's a sane response to an insane world." This guy wrote all that in the 60's, when there was still no known biological cause of schizophrenia, and when the meds had just started coming out. This was also the time when Freud's psychoanalaysis was very strongly governing the mental illness scenario, and the common thought was that the socio-cultural environment, and especially the family's attitude triggers schizophrenia. As someone recently commented on my blog "Coffee has caffiene...", that the norm amongst psychoanalysts today is about measuring the expressed emotion (EE). You can read it at http://www.schizophrenia.com/puzli/archives/002465.html
Coming back from the digression, I then told my doc that these are the same kind of views as of R.D. Laing! And he said yes. He then went on to tell me a very interesting thing. He told me about this old, prerecorded interview of R.D. Laing that was aired on BBC 7-8 years back. Laing was asked whether he would take meds if he was suicidal. He paused and thought for some time and said "yes". The interviewer then asked him whether he would take ECT treatment if he was in a really bad mental condition (completely suicidal and all that...), and he paused a bit longer and said that "if my doctor thinks necessary"! We now know that mental illnesses have a biological cause, and not a socio-cultural cause. A socio-cultural environment is not a cause, not a precursor towards causing mental illness, rather, it is, as in the concept of Expressed Emotion, a trigger for further relapses.
I then asked my doc as to how would one then relate libertarian principles for the mentally ill, and what about personal freedom in that case. He said that if you want the mentally ill person to make a choice, he should be in a state to make that choice. He cannot even make that choice because he is not in the right state to make an informed decision. And that is where medication helps in helping the person make a choice. I then added that then you can create that incentive structure for the patient that ok, if you don't want to take meds, I'll not support you financially. You support yourself. And since the person will be in no state to do that, you give him the alternative that you will support him if he agrees to take the meds.
My doc then said that "freedom is in the attitude". I was confused as to what he meant by 'attitude', and he went on to explain. He gave me an example of this Jewish psychiatrist (Dr. Fropp, if I remember the name correctly), who was also a communist, and was put in a concentration camp by the Nazi's. He survived and eventually came out. He was then interviewed and asked how he survived it, and whether he was happy there? He said that I was happy all the time over there! The interviewer then asked as to how he managed to stay happy with all that torture, to which he replied, and I paraphrase, "no one can control the circumstance he/she is in, but the only thing that one can control is the response/attitude towards that circumstance. And I decided that I will stay happy even here."
I would now like to reply to one of the comments I got long ago on "Coffee has caffeine...". Here is the comment -
"Choiceless awareness means to be aware without the action of thought or of the mind, for thought is a product of time itself, and only when we have choiceless awareness can we be free to experience the timelessness."
This ability to escape culture, and ego/mind.
I interpet this as the process of outgrowing the self indulgent apelike characteristics homo sapien witholds. Early human realized time's existence. What is further in the waking of our psyche?
will time be a past cognitive experience?
Well, I would like to point out that humans still realize time's existence. You take any illiterate person, who doesn't know that time is relative and hence eternal, and they will still believe that time exists! So it is not a matter of cognition at the present time that should concern us. Taking evolution into account, I obviously cannot predict the cognitive functions of our successors :)
November 18, 2005
An interesting observation
I was just reading through one of my earlier posts, and I discovered what seemed to be a contradiction in Krishnamurti's philosophy -
"Anger has that peculiar quality of isolation; like sorrow, it cuts one off, and for the time being, at least, all relationship comes to an end. Anger has the temporary strength and vitality of the isolated. There is strange despair in anger; for isolation is despair."
At first I thought that he had made a mistake when he used the term "isolation" by relating it to "despair". (read my previous post to know how Krishnamurti defines isolation). But then I knew that Krishnamurti always says that one has to be really careful with words. So how could he make such a mistake? How could isolation be a case of despair, of losing hope? And how could "Anger is better than despair" be true as basic human psychology says (i got this info from Terminator 3)
But then I tried to recall what he said about hope. According to him, and I completely agree, hope implies a feeling and thought of something better, a self-projected image of how things might be in the future, a wishful thinking, a faith...basically not living in the present, in the unknown, trying to find security by believing in the known, which is not in the present. So isolation and despair are actually the same thing!!
But then what about "anger is better than despair"? Where does it go wrong if anger and despair are the same? Psychology lacks the insight into the duality and the oneness, the truth. It doesn't realize that people will still remain in conflict if they do not understand its reason. And hence they will keep on oscillating within the duality of hope, (which is despair) and sadness (which is conflict). But then, one has to consider, as I repeatedly say, what a person needs to hear to survive, something that might not be the truth. And that is where psychology is helpful.
Interestingly, anger arises from conflict. And only in the isolation that follows can there come about true love, and that is when a relationship is established that actually allows one to commune.
November 15, 2005
She asked me whether my parents were not 'cool', conservative, and that is why I had started feeling paranoid about them.
I do not know. No. It was a slow progression. I wanted to tell her that they were trying to mould me into what they wanted me to be. Restricting my own thoughts, ideas, personal freedom. And I became a rebel. The hormones had also kicked in. There was anger, lots of anger, sadness, with love, mixed emotions. I would fight with them for doing my own thing. The paranoia took its own course based on that.
"I was down with fever and I feel so lethargic, so much physical pain. How did you survive with so much more, including the mental anguish?"
Well, I barely slept for 2 whole years. Only 2 hours everyday. I was over-fatigued. But the urge to do, the thought that I was the chosen one, only I could save the world, was so strong, that I had the will to fight, to carry on. Also, the feeling of pain is diminished when one has schizophrenia.
"So that is cool eh!"
Well, in one way it is. But interestingly, a lot of schizophrenics already diagnosed die due to undiagnosed physical ailments because they couldn't feel the pain.
We went on to talk about spirituality - You know, there's a difference between being alone and being isolated. You may be completely secluded, with no one around, and still not feel lonely. That feeling of aloneness is not there.
"Yeah!:) Exactly! I want to be alone, with myself, and I don't feel lonely, even though I'm completely isolated."
It's the urge for liberty that drives me, that still fuels me. And it all started back then. And it is beautifully summarized by the songs I used to listened back then, again, Metallica, the first album of theirs that I bought - Ride the Lightning. From it, "Escape" -
Escape - (Metallica - Ride the Lightning)
Feel no pain, but my life ain't easy
I know I'm my best friend
No one cares, but I'm so much stronger
I'll fight until the end
To escape from the true false world
Can't get caught in the endless circle
Ring of stupidity
Out of my own, out to be free
One with my mind, they just can't see
No need to hear things that they say
Life is for my own to live my own way
Rape my mind and destroy my feelings
Don't tell me what to do
I don't care now, 'cause I'm on my side
And I can see through you
Feed my brain with your so called standards
Who says that I ain't right
Break away from your common fashion
See through your blurry sight
See they try to bring the hammer down
No damn chains can hold me to the ground
Life is for my own to live my own way…
"There is nothing worse than being enslaved by your own mind." - Puzli
November 12, 2005
New problems with recovery, and a question
Every step towards recovery brings with it new problems of dealing with the 'you' that is not ill. For me, as I'm getting better, I am so excited with so many things on my mind that I want to do, that I don't feel like sleeping at all. I try to keep working, and when I'm physically exhausted, I keep on planning the zillion things in my mind that I have to do and fall asleep early morning when my thoughts become completely disoriented and my brain cells go to sleep themselves! I visited my doc and he told me that I need to make a conscious effort to sleep, and that's what I've been trying to do.
I asked my doc a couple of questions, one being, whether schizophrenics use 30% of their brain as compared to 10% of the normals, as I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, and he was too tired to go into technical details as it was late during the night, but he told me that these tests are not specific and the results cannot be calculated with a great accuracy - basically these are statistics which cannot be trusted as being completely accurate or true.