When I was 27 I decided to travel around the world backpacking.  I went firstly to Hong Kong, then onto Thailand, Malaysia, Indonesia, Australia, New Zealand, USA and Canada.  I first encountered the word ‘meditation’ in New York.  I was travelling on a boat to the Statue of Liberty.  I tried to still my mind and concentrate on the breath.  I did this many times in times of distress or panic.  When I got back to London I read widely on the subject of meditation and practiced alone at home.  Certain events lead me to find a teacher and I looked all over London eventually ending up at the Theosophical Society, where I met Alan Perry, who was to become my first Meditation teacher.

I joined the Dhyhana Centre, introduction to meditation, where Alan Perry taught basics in Meditation practices.  Concentrating on the breath, holding a candle in your minds eyes to enhance concentration or visualising the Virgin Mary or other religious icons, to aid concentration.

After a year I had progressed in Meditation techniques and had met a wonderfully colourful bunch of people from all walks of life and various religions.  Alan asked me if I would teach along side of him, and step into his shoes when he was away on Business.  I was thrilled to be asked, but worried that I was too young to teach and that I would not be able to answer any questions that were put to me.  Alan pooh-poohed this and said ‘when you open you mouth people will listen’ and also put me on a rather extensive reading lists.  I read widely from Sufism to Hinduism.  I was soon able to teach the beginners class at the Theosophical Society on a Tuesday and lead the advanced class occasionally on a Friday evening.

I had graduated in Business and Finance from Leicester Polytechnic and had worked in London ever since.  I joined Manpower (an employment agency) as a Sales Supervisor, the left to sell computers, then went back as a Training Manager, running 3 training centres in Central London.  I enjoyed my work there, but more importantly I was based at Oxford Street, which was in walking distance of the Theosophical Society, when I was now going 3 or 4 times a week.  I lived alone and meditated for ½ an hour on waking up, at lunch time and just before bed.  I radically changed my life.  No more nicotine, drugs and alcohol.  I began to do hatha yoga twice a day and only put nutritious things into my body.  I had too much positive energy that I was looking for a way to channel this.  I ended up doing Spiritual Healing, at a Spiritualist Church in Walthamstow.  The Spiritualist part I did not like, it just did just not appeal to me, but the healing a meditation I got into and I spent Monday nights healing people with a guy called John, who was in his seventies and taught me everything he knew.  I met some rather odd, to say the least, people at this Church.  I was soon befriended and this was where I came across Cannabis, not for the first time in my life, but the first time since I had purified myself.

Even though I was living a good life, I was lonely, so the attention I received at the Spiritualist Church was welcome.  I started smoking a lot of Cannabis with a friend, Jeannette.   This was when the world turned on its axis.  Before during meditation I had felt the presence of something.  A finger manipulating my third eye, a still small voice giving me words of encouragement.  Now the world spiritually was against me and the universe was trying to tell me something.  It started with the world trying to teach me a lesson.

Monasteries

I decided my only way to move forward was to go into a Monastery.  I chose Skandavale.  The Dhyana Centre had some ties with them, a lot of people were ‘fed’ there as their next step in deepening their practice.  I spent 9 months at Skandavale, which were probably the hardest of my life.  I was trying to be ‘god centred’ to only think of God.  What actually happened was awful.  I was living in a hut at the top of a mountain, with no running water and no electricity.  I suffered Migraines every day and vomited all the time.  In retrospect I can see that I was going against myself, my Buddha Nature.  At the time I did not understand what was going on at all.  I was paranoid and delusional.  I thought everything meant something, that every conversation had a deeper meaning.  I analysed everything.  In truth I went around the bend for the first time.  I was losing control and did not understand what was happening.  The monks and swamis were trying to break down my ego and I was floundering.

I left after 9 months totally disillusioned with what I had discovered.  I went onto hear them every day at some point since then.  They were the start of my ‘voices’ and as I started to go more and more against godly things they got worse and worse.

I had another chance a few years later to be a Monk at Throssel Hole Abbey in Northumberland.  Again it was too much for me and less that a month into the training I left, back to London and the Business world.

These two occurrences have a strong and lasting effect on me and have definitely changed the course of my life.

Mental Illness

My Dad had cancer.  He was going to die soon as he would accept no treatment.  He tried to commit suicide, having a ‘suicide party’ to which I was not invited.  My brothers tried to kill him by suffocation and an overdose.  I was called when it all went horribly wrong.  I was completely ostracised, I knew instinctively that something was going on but not knowing what.  I had given up my own business to be with Dad during his last days, this backfired.  Left with nothing when he died a few weeks later I took to drinking and smoking again.  I spiralled out of control and did nothing but drink whisky and watch the film ‘A Fisher King’ over and over.  I went to the doctor’s drunk to get an insurance form signed.  He thought I was behaving irrationally and came round my house.  I was swigging whisky and playing Pink Floyd loud.  He decided I was unstable and had me sectioned.  He drove me to the hospital.  I don’t remember anything apart from waking up in the hospital the next day.  When I discovered what had happened I tried to leave.  I was rugby tackled at the door by one of the nurses.  I was lost and frightened.  My doctor and a social worker all agreed I should be monitored.  After 6 weeks they could not diagnosed me and I took them to a tribunal to overthrow the section and won.  When I got home I found I was up to my eyeballs in dept and the mortgage company wanted to repossess.  I had previously been a teacher, in a private school and a local comprehensive.

I felt hopeless and lost and still carried on drinking and trying to drown my sorrows.  I was pleased to be out of hospital but having to face selling my house for a loss and bills pilling up just put extra stress on me.  They toyed with the idea of me being Schizoid Affected in the hospital, this label stuck, even though I was never diagnosed.

I kept grieving and drinking my life spiralled out of control.  I lost my house and my business.  I moved into shared accommodation, I had a breakdown spiritually and emotionally.  When I moved with my partner to a private address it lasted only 1 year before we both drank ourselves to death.  I was back in recruitment at this time, but at the bottom rung of the ladder.  I drank because I was miserable.  I was miserable because I drank.  I finally gave the job up preferring instead to go on a bender.  All this time I was hearing voices who said they were monks and nuns.  I had to give up my job and go and live with my partner’s mother, who I did not particularly get on with.  I kept drinking as often as I could hide alone in the bedroom.

At this time I had a Kundalini awakening, brought on by meditation and alcohol abuse.  It all went horribly wrong.  I was having psychotic attacks at work (I had taken a job as a temp) and at home.  My partner and his mother said I was not all there.  I was hallucinating friends from my childhood, monks, pop stars, my dead father and the devil every time I had a cigarette.  I heard voices all night and day and hated what was happening to me.

I left my partners mothers and went to stay with a friend in Wales.  By this time all I cared about was being out of it.  I was worried I had gone irreversibly mad and I was hallucinating rapes and abuse all the time.  My ‘soul’ kept leaving my body and I was left walking around with nothing inside of me, I kept hearing Throssel Hole Abbey singing.  I felt a oneness with the world that I had felt before but this was not in a good spiritual way but a totally out of it way.  Every night I would get drunk every night I would hallucinate, mainly people off the TV that I had watch that night, or journalist that I had read.  Voices horrible controlling.  My friend did not seem to notice that I was possessed, in fact he asked me to marry him and in my delusional state I said yes.  It just shows how oblivious people can be to what is really going on.

I could not go through with the marriage; I knew it was a sham.  He locked me in the house and I felt liked a trapped animal.  I left then a period of staying with family and friends followed.  I was always drunk at every opportunity.  Soon after travelling Europe I had run out of places to stay and any friendly faces.  I faced homelessness and the strain this had on me was awful.  I went straight to the doctors told him I was suicidal and he put me straight in hospital.  I knew the ropes and was relived I had a roof over my head.  I agreed to anything they said, I was honest and open as I could be.  They diagnosed me with Schizophrenia.  They got me a flat and some money and generally looked after me.  I badly needed it.  They also put me on medication, which I hate but I am in a catch 22 situation with it and don’t want a repeat of what happened before I was on it.

All of this time I was attending a Zen meditation group and became involved with Pure land Buddhism.  I think a lot of what happens to me is a direct result of being a Buddhist, but having had ‘psychotic’ attacks I am still unsure what is real and what is imagined.  I just ignore it all. 

These are my diaries from two periods in a mental hospital.

1st June 2001

In General Hospital, Stamford Psychiatric Unit.  Chakras got completely out of hand due to a bottle of Scotch and 2 beers, energy was leaking out of every orifice (compounded and exacerbated by other souls).  Ended up at Dr Dalbys and he drove me here, but I don’t remember any of this.  A Psychiatrist tested my reflexes, asked me questions (I had told Dr Dalby that I was suicidal, he saw Aspirins on table of proof that I had overdosed – tests proved this was untrue), and had me committed for 3 days (initially).  The rest was a drunken blur.  They gave me sleeping tablets and I slept until 4am.  I did not know where I was when I woke and could not remember every detail and felt extremely hung over and unable to see (some times) what thought processes were difficult.  Saw a Nurse, Paul, Social worker, Jan and a Psychiatrist, Dr Nassa and at different intervals throughout the day, all after filling what was left of my vehicle with nicotine, each time I was semi-traumatised, very hung over and unable to see what was happening.  I was working from my solar plexus, being hung over and thundering with head pain, so any words just bounced off my head.  I noticed that I get lessons on whatever level I am working on.  It is sometimes difficult to differentiate Imagined from Real. 

Most nurses are not psychiatrically qualified.  Before coming to Hospital I saw an Astral for the first time, so work from base to crown chakra.  Know why an Astral would try and knock me down, but don’t understand Monks part in this.  They are the ones who empower for the reasons that they feel it is because of Spiritual law.  This is difference in some cases (Karmic) depending on particular religion.  So TRUTH is still subjective.  They give you what you don’t need until you remain inside of yourself (comments like grow up and stop smoking) so energy (prana) doesn’t leak (other comment like Whore etc).  Paradox is that there are people here who are highly psychic but have the inability to communicate in a lucid way  (I know because I am one of them spasmodically) and a lot of people who actually want to be here.  There are people who enjoy breakdowns for there own training purposes.  Everyone energies when Chakras are open, usually with negative consequences.  By this time I was committed for 3 days, then they asked me to stay until Dr Bruce came on Sunday.  I asked if I had a choice, Jan said yes, the two Doctors said no.  The Doctor then sectioned me for 28 days, to which I had appealed against; it comes up in 7 days.

The day after I was traumatised by what was going on around me.  Skandavale sporting with me again and being ‘taken over’ when I go out of my mind, i.e. Chakras open up and etheric body breaks down.  Heard usual stuff ‘ this one works as a 25p a minute whore, passing her around, etc;’ everyone was ‘tuning in’ and I suffered from hysteria.  This has been happening now for 18 months and has left me unable to work, go out or have one decent thought or moment.  Last night I was told it was Skandavale and Throssel Hole Abbey taking it in turns because they thought I had no gratitude for life.  They did it again just before lunch i.e. fingering my genitals to make me feel uncomfortable, it works a treat!

They have taken away my work, house, friends, family, they make it difficult every time someone is around by fingering me, putting tassels on my breast and calling me a blow up doll.  I have no respect left for myself and every decent moment is taken up by their disgustingness – the lower realms.  Raping, abusing etc; they said it was not real, but it has ruined my life.  I can never trust them or anyone.

The project people onto my 3rd eye and say I am having sex, that I am the town bike and then blame me, they should have been pimps not monks.  That how they make people feel, when they drink, take drugs etc; although they are not open they have spirits around them, these are the beings who will attach themselves to anyone who has a different vibrational level.  Therefore, why they all so the same thing with the genitals is unknown, is Psychosis or is it ‘gods punishment’.

It is easy when the mind is playable to take over someone else’s mind as my 3rd eye is so large from visualising during meditation, I am more susceptible and when this happens their souls know, but I am unsure as to whether their consciousness registers this fact.  My energy goes to whatever is in my brow chakra.

Got to go out for a walk for 15mins today with Sarah (Nurse).  Apparently they have teams of nurses who look after you.  They are compiling a report for their general files and one for the tribunal, using Sarah to open me up and got me to trust her.  She is nice, intelligent and has been a Psychiatric Nurse for 4 years.  Her intuition is good.

My options.  Sectioned for 28 days or volunteer, or they commit me.  Rang Alan Perry, my old meditation teacher for information on Kundalini.  He said he would send me a reference on my meditation teaching.  Might represent myself at the Tribunal.  Put a case together last night, needs some work.  Need to get to know Mental Health Law a lot better.

Just went for a walk on my own for the first time.  I was surrounded by the souls of Jason and Leslie (Nephew and Sister-in-law).  I was told they had empowered me and put Sue and Andi (Step-Sister and brother in law) into my 3rd eye for nearly a year to pay for their father's death.  As far as I remember he died of natural causes, although he did try to commit suicide (gassed himself) when my Mum left him.  This was before I was born, a load of old rubbish nothing to do with me.  Each man/woman his own Karma makes.  Although I have heard of schools of thought that you pay for the previous generation – rubbish – delusion?  The whole thing started in the Cigarette room, tuning into Souls who abused me because they are perverted.  There is no pay back time, it’s delusion, manipulation, the dark side.  If they were going to do above they would have done it to my father.  If they are spiritual people they actually cause more harm than good. 

 Chris (brother) has just been.  Asked him to look after the house and sell it if he can before they reposes and give him ¼ of the profits, if there is any left. 

Spoke to fellow patient who has tried to commit suicide a few days ago – offered her temporary accommodation at the cottage is she was desperate, tonight she threw a wobbly and two of the nurses had to put her into seclusion.  I felt very angry and frustrated vibes and the trauma in her head.  I intuited that she did not want to leave on Thursday, could be wrong.  Asked nurse how she got on ‘ none of your business’ then I realised its classed as confidential.  Another great law of the land.

Saw one should just now, the lady next door, Ruth who seems nice, but depressed and traumatised.  I get traumatised by not knowing what I am walking into, therefore fear and my intuition not corresponding to what is being said (being knowingly lied to cause confusion) it is cruelty.

Tuesday

The volunteer section means nothing, its just word for sectioning you while making you believe you have some control over the matter, therefore no win situation if you want to get out.  Seeing Dr Bruce today about assessment – think most of what’s happened in last 10 years has been severe delusion, coupled with some episodes of spiritual happenings, awakenings, Buddhic, Christian, Spiritualism, channelling through me is what they have been doing – different people at different times.

Glenfield

20th March 2003

In Glenfield hospital after a few suicide attempts and thought about all the time I am continually being energised by other souls who say mainly derogatory things and rape me – this has caused the suicidal thoughts.  So far it seems an OK place – time will tell – the patients and nurses appear nice, but I will reserve my judgement for a few days until I see what really happens.  I have been allocated a team of nurses and have seen a Psychiatrist and been examined physically.  Tomorrow they take blood, so what will show up will probably be all the alcohol I have been drinking.  Don’t know how long they will admit me for but I hope it’s a long stay.  They will probably section me at first, I will know tomorrow.  I thing they will give me sleeping tablets – I hope so.  Bed 12am.  I told doctor about  hallucinations, tactile and otherwise, he didn’t really understand the third eye.  Thought I saw a soul in the shower (Doctor) again.  I hope this stops when I start medication and I stop visualising, one of the worst things I have ever learnt to do in retrospect.

21.3.03

Slept well due to Lorazimpam, and did not have a disturbed night.  One of the nurses (Ruth – Key Worker) gave me some tobacco, which walked (it didn’t mislaid it), so had to borrow a few ciggys, which I will have to pay back.  Will get me assessment sometime today and hopefully know how long I am going to be here for.  Some people work from here!  The tactile hallucinations and voices have stopped today, I don’t know hey but I am sure its because I have to be where I am (clitoris sucking had re-occurred – oral/anal retention?) and I am not putting on anyone, or relying on my family who could not cope with me and my abnormal behaviour.  I explained to the Psychiatrist about the abuse, the rape and forgot to mention Schzo-Affected disorder, but he will see that when he gets the notes.  Yesterday at Dave’s as I was filling in a form I heard a hundred different souls all being abusive (calling me a Paedophile) and when I am red have a vibrator was inserted into me when I was walking alongside one the nurses and he just laughed, so people on some level can see it happening.  I’d love to know who does this.  It’s usually when my mind plays mind games.  At least I now know I have a soul, one of the questions I have been pondering.

I am planning to stop smoking in 2 days, the plan is to give back what I owe and then quit.  I have a leaflet that I have read with tips in it and it may help to read it through if I have a relapse.  What happened was physical and psychological torture humiliation, disgrace and embarrassment – Karma? – or what you give out you get back.  I have never known anyone suffer so much, but they again maybe they don’t say because I cannot explain it in words either.  It was cruel, bullying and mind manipulation.

I have rang Pat, but won’t ring anybody else until I know what’s what.  I am going to call Sharon and Luck, Ruth to let her know I used her address for the Doctors, Viv/Michael, Sue Rogers, Doc for clothes, Faith, Tim, Colin, Yolly and Naomi.  Julie incase she was to visit Leicester and Darren.  Dave says he has an old pair of my glasses, which is a godsend.  Apart from clothes I have all I need - £15 left – so will have to be very frugal.  The worst thing about what happened was the difficulty to be in the moment, with whom I was.  I could not see what I really looked like, but according to other like a complete moron.  The distractions tactile and auditory were distracting and it made any normal conversion or interaction increasingly difficult.  I don’t know why I visualize, but have done since I was a kid, but it all got out of hand, the only reason I can come up with is 2 fold – not drugs and damage to neurotransmitters – no words (thoughts) travelling around the brain so it had to latch onto doing something so it visualised.  People (monks) seem to this was a form of mental masturbation, hence the clitoris sucking but that was never the intention.  My vagina also visualised and it talked, as did everyone of my chackras and different levels to different people.  I was kept awake on a 48-hour cycle continually being used “if you don’t have any respect for yourself no one has any for you”.  I thing it was all a laugh to most people, but I lost everything because of my actions and reaction when this happened.  Creating other realities is a waste of time, it illuminates what is really happening and is a waste of life.  I have done some thing criminal wise that I never thought I would do in my life out of desperation and sheer bloody mindedness.  I try not to re-live it as is just drains energy and is too painful.  Smoking is bad, but rape and abuse is worse psychologically.  Maybe if I hadn’t taken everything for granted and lived off handouts people would not have been so against me.  I have been a fool – but we all make mistakes.  What I have learned from this experience:-

• People can be cruel, spiteful, physically and verbally abusive (including myself when I am pushed).
• Some people delude, manipulate and brainwash.
• Mind games are dangerous and I am to old not having visions instead of being a visualising machine.

I hope this will all stop now and that I never drink again.  I can’t think of a more dangerous drug.  When the smoking stops I am going to put myself on some sort of physical fitness regime – nothing too strenuous just some hatha yoga, but I have be quiet careful, because of my charkas and damage to etheric body.

I remember 2 years ago in General – Stamford Ward – seeing the same thing i.e. bodily movements happening to both nurses and patients who smoked.  I have just bean to see the black smoke / negative energy coming out of my body, particularly my vagina and head (crown chakra) – I saw this happening to other people in Malaga and by the was people reacted to me I must have been giving off some strange vibes or looks that I was not aware of.  Chris and Kate thought I was particularly negative, but I could not articulate what was happening to me and it was impossible to get along, particularly with toxins running around my torso. 

According to the things I heard yesterday when I was outside waiting to come in to the hospital with Dave – several souls tried to tell me that I was making a big mistake coming here, but to me it felt exactly the right thing to do.  I wish I knew when it was my should communicating with me and when it was others joining in – distracting and deluding.  It would be nice to have an honest explanation about what was really going on – not a 1000 opinions that confuse and end up being meaningless.

Mind games and opening by known chakra (third eye) causes telepathic communication with people from all over the world.  All that I can say about this is that it’s a waste of time to hear so many voices – it serves no purpose in the end and I can see that it causes nothing but pain to all concerned.  Not something I want to work on as all childish stuff.

I notice it is easy, because of no baggage dealing with strangers that people who know you and project.  If there are old wounds they are easily opened and it can cause conflict.  Left alone to my own devises I am peaceful and content, my head is clear and I can make lucid decision.  Apparently my should tunes into other souls some people of which I don’t know – how I do this I am unaware.  That’s not so bad, but the tactile stuff is soul mind and body destroying.  It causes a chain reaction that can last for days and momentum is built up by anger and frustration at not being able to stop this happening.  “Letting go” is a difficult thing to do when you are unsure as to why people victimize abuse etc; and because they are invisible and this makes them anonymous.  It seems cowardly also.  Stock piling souls inside of me is something I have never come across before.  It’s literally seeing another soul inside of you.  I remember when I was with Don and he had been drinking Vodka (about 3 years ago) now I had never touched a drop of Vodka at the time when I felt his should with me all night in Scotland, although we were in separate beds the next day I vomited Vodka, this has been explained as cleaning the toilet (cleaning out someone else’s toxins) when their own body can’t cope, but what I have been seeing inside of me if its not hallucinations, is various souls internalised, then them calling me a whore and kissing and sucking of my genitals, which is very disturbing.  I have been taken over by other souls and steered in the wrong direction, and brainwashed by voices while raping me, usually with vibrators in my anus and vagina.  This happened in Germany and Malaga.  I still don’t know who, why and I would love to know if these souls (people) were real or just a denigration of psychosis or schizophrenia.

The things souls I saw inside of me didn’t make sense, people off the TV, some programs I’d never watched, mostly Americans.  Richard Gere, people from Cheers and some English comedians – did I meditate on then unknown to me when I was pissed?

They kept using the term “Smithfield Whoring” they whore your soul out to anyone who would listen or want a bit a spare for light relief they said.  I was made to “offer it up” – my vagina, for free.  This did no more that disturbed me, as I seemed to have no control as if my soul was doing it or another soul had taken me over.

I kept seeing East Enders characters who I don’t know from adam, in side of me and was made to feel like the “town bike” even though in real life I have only had sex twice in two years.  I kept hearing various voices communicating to me at various chakras, the lower the chakra the more awful the words.  People deluded me that what was happening was something to do with enlightenment – something I have thought about for nearly 10 years.  There were some experiences that could be put don to this when I was in Birmingham.  I experience with Rev Saido from THA the twin towers explosion for one, others were just connection to about ever Pop Star I have ever listened to since I was a child, some not known to me.  Jackson Browne seemed (projection delusions of grandeur) around also whenever this happened.  I also internalised souls and was beaten with sticks and cricket bats, kicked in the vagina and generally abused physically and mentally.  When I was in Wales whenever I smoked people would say they were ejaculating of my and my body felt weightless, as if my soul had left it.  Angel would sing and I was all over the place.  When I went to Germany I felt that Rev Alwin was taking me there – although this could be wrong, as I did not see him he just said that’s who it was.  THA seem to have been at war with me since I smoked a cigarette with Michelle my niece, at Bradgate Park about 2 years ago and my aura shrank from being huge to a black covering.  I have not been able to deal with anything real because of verbal and physical distraction so my life (because of the drink also) has gone down the pan.

I have also felt several times the presence of Dad.  Every soul I have ever met had been evoked, sometimes within, sometimes without, exposing me telling me all I ever was to them was an easy lay and that I had never been loved.  This I know is just untrue.

Just experience another soul talking through me some old rubbish “New Parks Estate Rape Victim” and a vibrator being put into me.  Cowards because they know they are untouchable.  Victimization and abuse that all they instigate, it can’t be the devil because he would not know my history.  I can understand why anyone soul would bother to tune in, it seems a fruitless waste of time and nosiness, blast from the past that mean nothing to me mostly.

Hasn’t stopped, regressing again, hearing a load of old rubbish.  Can’t write, manic from drinking too much coffee and hallucinating.

Getting interference unless I energise my brain, people butting in, don’t know who they are trying to talk and listen at once which is impossible, asked from some drugs.    Wrote a song/hymn with Tracy.  Someone projected Andrew Lloyd Weber onto my anus.  Taking the piss.  Not a great lucid writing day.  Zopiclone last night made me feel incredibly thirsty so drank loads of liquids.  Usually anti drugs but if there is one that can stop the rape occurring then I’ll drink it, eat it, snort it whatever it takes.