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When I close my eyes, I see my self for the past 20 years. I am a big strong black blob in my mind. Out of the big blob I take a child (ME) and place her gently down on the floor. "Go over there" I say to the child. "I am busy being the superwifemomcaretakerwageearner". "I don't have time to worry about you."
This goes on for years and years and years, never paying any mind to that small version of me. Once in a while that small version of me starts to reach out, ask for something, cry. "Be quiet!" the blob says, "You are fine! What's your problem? Wait your turn."
Slowly after all the years, the big blob is shrinking. Not nearly as strong as she used to be. The big blob is slowly getting smaller and smaller. The blob looks over at the girl and says "I am so sorry I neglected you." and then the blob is gone.
The small version of me starts to walk around and look at all that is around. My legs are wobbly and my tiny voice is squeeky. I start to come alive and want and need what most people do. Support, companionship, love, laughter....
I am too needy.
And no one to give me these things but myself. Some day I will be able to stand up and shout "ROAR""HERE I AM!" but today I am still the little girl standing in the corner waiting her turn.
Posted by Jamie at November 29, 2004 06:48 AM | TrackBack
I am looking for someone to talk to who can give me some advice or at least some input to help me. I am at a loss for how to handle a lot of recent events. My boyfriend of 5 years was diagnosed with schizophrenia and it is a really difficult situation. If you could offer up some advice for how to help him...or even myself...it would be much appreciated. Thank you and God bless.
Posted by: amber at September 14, 2005 04:26 AM
Hi Jamie,
I just want somebody to listen to me too. I too am married to a man with Sz and the worst part is that I came to know about this today just few hours ago before I started surfing the net. Though I have never witnessed the kind of symptons usually associated with Sz the medicine he takes confirms it. Please help me cope it. Please I really love him so and I am not planning to leave hom for anything.
Posted by: Swati at October 3, 2005 06:09 PM
Dear Jamie,
Hope this message finds you well and in great health, Just asking how you have been and if you & family are going well.
By the way, I miss you're blog it's fantastic.
Take care & best wishes.
Kind Regards,
S.Hawkins
Posted by: S.Hawkins at October 29, 2005 10:00 AM