Marriage and Mental Illness

hI

Hello again.
Becky thanks for your comment.

Not much is new here. Still plugging along.
The thing that is bothering me lately is M.s lack of personal hygiene. I know this affects some with this illness. It is hard not to be rude about it....but, I think that I would want someone to tell me if I needed to shower or whatever. What is the most sad about it is, he used to be very well groomed. I used to love his colonge.
He seems really depressed the last 3 days. His work/sleep schedule is only getting worse and that really bothers me. He delays going in to work seems like an hour every day. First he went at 7, then 8, then 9 and now tonight it was 10 pm. Last year they requested that he find a schedule and keep it. And he did well for a while, but now we are back where we started. I just don't mention it, because I know he knows...just doesn't want to change it.

I have asked several times what is bothering him the last couple of days. He says nothing and if I press too much, he gets mad. So I also let that lay.

TGIF! and hope you have a good weekend. Will write more later.

Thursday thoughts...

My sister told me that when she looks at my life, when she looks 10,20 years down the road....she is very sad.

She wants to know why I stay? Why would I do that, when there is a whole world out there that could be mine if I wanted it? Am I a martyr?

I don't think I am a martyr. That same world is out there whether I am in this relationship or not. As long as M. is willing to go along for the ride, why can't I see what the world has to offer?

I fell in love with M., a long, long time ago. I still love him. We have children together....I can't just shut that off and go start a new life. I was brought up to believe in marraige, the vows, the commitment. I have not come to the point (yet?) where I am willing to give up on all of that. I am not saying that everyone must stay. I certainly don't judge anyone who gets out. Everyone's story is a little different and each of us can only do what we can do.

Who knows tomorrow may be a different story....this is such a confusing life. I wonder what people who don't live with mental illness have to deal with? I am sure there is something, as I don't think anyone has a perfect marraige or life, but it has to easier than this I would think.

a poem

I do not claim to be a poet by any means! But I gave it my best and here it is. It comes from deep within.

Silence

There is nothing so loud
as your silence pounding in my ears.
You care about me, and me about you
It has been that way for years.

I am weary of being in a club just for one,
feeling so alone.
I can feel the way it used to be
before we both turned to stone.

Is it possible to find us again,
or make us even better still?
I miss your laugh, your humor
your tenderness, knowing that I fit the bill.

There is nothing so loud
as your silence....

It's funny?

It is funny that I am never surprised when some new thing comes up in M.'s head.
Currently, I supposedly am stealing his cigarettes. He doesn't know what I am doing with them...but it sure is strange that they go so fast........Am I giving them to someone? or selling them? He is going to keep track from now on...I say Good Idea!!! Man.

Sometimes the goofy stuff really makes me laugh....And then I think wow, "normal" people don't get to hear this stuff! What in the world do they do with themselves. LOL.

I guess I don't find too many things crazy. I mean afterall when you have lived with "Jesus' son"~ anyone could say anything and I would not be shocked!
When anything and everything is connected...from something a stranger said 25 years ago ties into what the guy down the street said this morning...Nothing is too crazy for me.

I think it is true that when you live with a paranoid person, you become so hyper-aware of any and all coincidences that you yourself feel paranoid to some extent. I know it has happened to me quite a bit. But the difference is I guess that I can say to myself...that was just a coincidence, whereas a person with sz. cannot.

Hope you are enjoying your long weekend.
Sorry for rambling...just needed to talk.

Dizzy

I am dizzy from the changing thoughts and atmosphere in our house.
Now he is saying if my convictions are so strong that I need to move, then do it...lead us there....I am so confused.
I feel now that I am not going to give up on moving...if I have to I will go myself with the kids.

I am praying for a quiet relaxing long weekend. Surely we can relax for a couple of days........:)

worn down

Ok, he finally did it. He wore me down, my spirit is broken.
According to him, I am killing him with the stress of this move. He is using the children against me. I am apparently ruining their lives too. I am in the wrong. I am the one who is crazy. Fine.
I don't have the strength or desire to fight him anymore. I will stay here and live like this forever. My wants, desires, dreams are meaningless.
I am done in.