Marriage and Mental Illness

memories

I took a picture of you.

You purposely looked away…looked down.

As I was cropping that picture…I looked at you. Really looked.

I have been trying NOT to look at you recently.

You look older. Hell, so do I. We are older.

You need a haircut. A beard trim.

You hate to go to the barber. So much paranoia there with having to talk to him and possibly other people waiting.

Digging under the bathroom sink I find the clippers.

Get the chair all set up. You sit down.

As I am cutting I think back to years ago when I would cut your hair. When I would get around to the front.. you would grab me and kiss me, or tease me or touch me….I would laugh and say.. Quit that!…even though you knew I loved it.

We would laugh and talk as I cut… toddlers running around us.

Now as I get around to the front you close your eyes. Are you remembering too? or trying to forget?

Finally I am going to update this blog.

Well, well, well... it is me! Can you believe it? Finally I am going to update this blog.
Last night I sat down and read back a ways at the things I had posted two years ago.
My heart was heavy when I realized that really I am living just about the same now as I was then....same stuff, different year.

Where should I start? to update you?
Well, M. is still M. He suffers paranoia daily. He works part time 4 hours a night. The job causes him much stress and more paranoia but it also provides us with some money that we need. I think it is good for him to work, as it gives him something to do each day and somewhere that he is expected to be each night.

We basically do not have more than a friendship based relationship. There is no intimacy, aside from the normal hug and peck.

I have expressed to him recently how hard this is for me and that I would like to live a more normal life. Yes, it was very hard for me to say that to him, but something I had to get out.
The things that I miss so much are just things that he is not able to provide. and probably never will be able to. The illness just prevents any kind of social interaction outside our immediate family, so that means no couple's friends. We rarely ever do anything outside the house.

I have made friends of my own and go out on occasion, however the guilt is hard to deal with. I am trying very hard not to worry about it, but it is always there.

Our children are doing well. One is in college and 2 are left in high school. They are the definite bright spot of my life:)

I need to go for now.. but hopefully i can come back later and write more.