Living in Chaos: Survival

Is the diagnosis really accurate? Or am I making things worse by medicating him? Questions....

Recently, I was asked by another parent of a MI child: How can we know that what we see from the decrease in meds is not withdrawl symptoms from drugging our kids for so long?

Actually this is a good question. I do have some thought that the Klonopin was potentially increasing David's agitation, but cannot be certain. I did not see the obvious, immediate negative reaction that Dalton had with this medication, but still the question is there. I think I saw it take a bit of the edge off when he was having a difficult time and I could get him to tak it, but again, the edge being taken off could just as likely have been the result of him having stepped away finally, and having some time to cool off.

For me with David, Dalton too for that matter, I have seen both boys without medication. It is a very scary picture. what We were seeing with David the past week, is essentially the same situation we had 18 monts ago when he first got to the point he was delusional and believed that "That man" (his father) was going to kill or hurt him. That his father had always been out to get him and would do anything to get rid of him. I can count the number of physical spankings on two hands and he is 17! Without medication, he is severely paranoid, and possibly due to the seizures he had when he was younger, we think there was some head injury involved which has resulted in an extreme concrete manner of thinking and a limited repetiore of coping mechanisms when he is overwhelmed or frustrated. His first option is to always respond in anger, then rage, then aggression. As he has gotten oldern and bigger, the consequences have grown as well.

How to know if this is "Him" or the result of coming off a medication? I am constantly evaluating, in my mind, comparing what was he like before the meds, to what was he like after the meds, to what is going on now. I know in the depths of my soul that unmedicated, my boy would likely not survive. I don't know that it would be suicide, but probably more likely, he would cross the line and hurt someone in his paranoid desire for self-protection. If this were to happen, he could be hurt in return or spend his life in circumstances I would never desire to see happen.

I know in my heart and soul that his illness is the truth for him. Yet, there may always be that frustrated, guilty, impotent mothering instinct which will question: Did I do something wrong? Did I miss something when he was younger? Am I making this worse? Why can't I comfort and help my boy? all I can say, is that my only salvation has been to talk about it with other parents who have been or are in the same place I am. Try to help hurting parents who are in darker places than I am, presently, and keep seeking the comfort of my perpetually tested faith in God.