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It has been a couple weeks since I was able tot ake the time to update on the Hilger home. Life is good, my kids are good, my hubby is good, God is so good, to me...
In the past few weeks, we have been very busy. My parent's visit went very well. My father enjoyed the boys, and David expecially enjoyed my father! They went on several walks together and got to have guy talk, grandfather to grandson, and vs. versa. David ate up the attention, and Dad enjoyed being the center of attention. LOL
At one point during their time here, Dad told me that we seemed to be much more peaceful this year compared to last. You can say that again! David is stable, and doing well. Dalton is a bit hyper and anxious, but also doing well. They are both getting along a good portion of the time, and this makes home life much sweeter. David is doing so well, that at our last therapy appointment, we determined that we would not schedule another appointment at this time. We will leave it indefinitely unless a problem should arise.
David has had his friend David (Sully) over most weekends. he has been showing up on Fridays and leaving on Mondays! LOL Our unofficial adoptee! We told his mother if he stays any longer, we'll start charging child support! Not really, but he is a good kid. Kind of between my two. Sully suffers Tourettes and anxiety/depression. We've gone Canoeing and tubing again the past couple weekends and all the kids did well. Cheerful and no blowouts! I think this has been one of the most peaceful summers we have had in several years.
Dalton is doing great. He is doing soapbox derby racing in a program for disabled kids, and loving it. He is getting ready to have a golf tournament with Special olympics, and Bowling starts next month with the Spec. Olympics. We've all been enjoying the free movies in town and $1.00/game bowling. It is nice to do family things and have everyone be able to enjoy without fighting.
This week, we found out that David did pass the GED, with flying colors. Minimum average score to pass was 450, he averaged 518. Minimum score in any one area was 410, his lowest schore was 430, and he scored in the 82nd percentile in math!!!!! I took him today to enroll in community college. Gene's bonus is gone, but it is official, he is enrolled to take 9 hours this semester! Three months ago, when he was in the hospital, I never thought he would be doing this well, this quickly.
We've been talking to David about his strengths and weaknesses. he is a very concrete thinker, very black and white. he has been talking about computer repair as a filed of study. We've been explaining that there is not a great job market there anymore, that computers is better served by programming, and he simply does not do well with creative thinking and flexibility. Business, and accounting, specifically, is very concrete, and this is a field he used to toalk about before his illness was so pronounced. David commented that:
"WOW! That is something I wanted to do before, and didn't think I could do anymore!" Life is good!!!
I hope everyone is having a blessed day.
God Bless,
"there is always a light, no matter how dim, if only we seek to find it"
------------------------------------------
Belonging�
In the early days of time, when I was very small
I remember looking at the pictures on the wall
All the smiling faces, all the fancy clothes
Wondering who they were, and if I had their nose
I remember running to the arms of relatives
Welcoming with kisses, just like everybody did
Shouting words of greeting, laughing at the sight
Of many feet approaching, every child�s delight
Safe within my world and confident of love
I never knew the difference and had no fear to move
Secure in my position, assured of their support
I grasped the tails of life, trusting in my court
To lend a helping hand, whene�er I had the need
And always stand behind me, for they were family
-----------------------------------
Hope�
I watch him playing from across the space
Interacting with a grand delight
And lose myself in memory of days, not long ago
When this was but a dream I didn�t see
And he plays on
Oblivious
To my wonder
I listen to the laughter that comes ringing
Carried on the shadow of the wind
A sound, not only his, but that of other children too
Angelic sounds of heaven, sent to me
And he plays on
Oblivious
To my tears
I feel each passing glance they interchange
Words and smiles, a transitory gift
A blissful joyful aptitude for friendship giv�n and earned
Landing on my soul, quite like a kiss
And he plays on
Oblivious
To my elation
I close my eyes and dare to fantasize
Raising gratitude to heavens gate
And lift a prayer of praise: How far he�s come, from where he�s been,
From when his soul was drowning in despair!
And he plays on
Oblivious
In his joy
---------------------------------------------
Treasure Attained�
Bright eyes are the prize that I�ve been searching for
Shining light, illuminating me
Beaming rays of cleansing grace and empathy
At last, achieving what was meant to be
It wasn�t long ago when life was an abyss
An impossibility to scale
When faith and hope were stretched beyond capacity
Breaking fragile bonds, as loving failed
But struggling, persistently, we fought to win
This battle which you could not comprehend
When blackened days were dark and full of tragedy
Where the light seemed destined just to end
As time intruded into days of dazzling dreams
When sunshine started to surpass the night
For each step forward, only half were contrary
And pain would fade away without a fight
Where gentle winds have blown all shadows from your mind
Clearing views to future hope, unchained
Eventually, the clarity�s� reality
Banished blackness from your window panes
---------------------------------------
Small things�
A phone rings in the distance
and I hear an answer soft
Spoken in a voice highlighted
by a resonant inflection
With waves which rise and fall,
belike a melody
Whispering gently
as it lands upon my ears
I hear a chuckle, rumbling low,
hidden underneath his breath
Unspoken, yet powerful,
his inner soul blazing with the sound
Powerful evocation,
reminiscent of days past
When happiness was the norm
and sadness, seldom viewed
Lingering, an eavesdropper,
I�m witness to a fabulous event
Listening to a conversation,
which ebbs and flows,
gives and takes
Murmurings of insignificance,
communicating awe
Like rain upon a desert land,
reviving life back into desolation
Simple things which normalcy
would seem to disavow
Tiny things, petite and small,
without a history
�Who would know?�
Yet to this mother�s heart,
the echoes from across the room
Reverberate,
louder than a piercing horn,
presenting me with joy
----------------------------------------
Repentance�
Growing pains, memories,
Remembered smiles, traumatic tears
Little things, passing words,
Pictures drawn, whispered prayers
When we were small, small things were large
Dialogue, more than chance
Clung like skin to reality
Meaning more than clarity
Fleeting words, between worlds
Adult conceptions changing life
Bit by bit, piece by piece
One thought at a time, unbeknown
Time flies by on wings of hope
Momentary as the breath of clouds
Floating by on Zephyrus dreams
Darkly through the pain of growth
Creaking bones, chilling thoughts
Callous deeds, selfish plans
Regrets remain behind for life
Recollecting history
There is no cure for pain-filled pasts
Self-inflicted on our friends
Family accepting even so
In spite of actions, often low
Justice fails our innocence
There�s no revision tolerable
That could repay the sting e�er caused
The sentence here should be but loss
Yet, He was sent to pay the fee
To perform the edict
To cover the sorrow
Deliverance from consequence
------------------------------------------
Runaway�
He woke in the night to a silent house
Not a sound was heard but soft breathing
He did not feel safe
Who were these people?
Where was home?
His tummy hurt, it growled softly
Hungry
He wandered into the kitchen
On the table there was a plate of cookies
Made by his new Mommy
Lots of cookies�
His heart felt empty
So, he ate them all, except one
Maybe if he left one, she would not know
He wandered the silent house, searching
What was he searching for?
Who?
He felt lost
Finally he lay down in the middle of the floor
Clutching his Twinkle blankie that Becky gave him
Sucking his Tweety binky
His heart full of tears which could not fall
His heart, jailed, imprisoned by fear
He cried himself to sleep�
------------------------
Another night, he woke again
His new Mommy could not stay awake
She could not see all
He wasn�t safe
He had to hide
Wandering again, he opened drawers
In his new brother�s room
Knives, lighters, money, games
His brother liked legos and Game boy
Unaware, the items ended up in his pocket
And placed under his bed
No one could find them there
Mommy had a shiny watch, very pretty
She had money on the table
He would keep it safe for her
So he picked it up and carried these things to his room
And placed them under his bed
For safekeeping�
His heart felt empty
He did not know what for
But he would try to fill the empty space
With pilfered trinkets hidden in his secret treasure
Underneath his bed
For security�
For love�
Finally, he collapsed in mid-wandering
And slept where he lay outside his Mommy�s door
Clutching his White Bear and his Twinkle blankie
Sucking on his Tweety binky�
------------------------
Each night seemed an extension of the fearful day before
His soul contained an empty space
Which nothing seemed to fill
�I want my Mommy�
Echoed through his mind
Screaming, wailing, crying every night
�I want to go back�
�I want Becky�
�Leave me alone�
�Don�t touch me�
I want my other Mommy�
�Not you�
And my heart shattered into a million bits
Fallen on the floor, beside his
And wept
I held him to my chest as he screamed, bit, and fought
I sang love songs over his agony
We rocked, locked in an embrace of battle
As I tried to comfort the unbelievable burden
Of his grief
Until he eventually collapsed
Exhausted into sleep�
------------------------
Another night�
I lay on a cot out side his door as he raged
He climbed the shelves and the furniture in his room
Seeking escape from his hurt
Seeking asylum from my heart
Seeking relief from the fear
Of love
Love hurts�
I had tried to hold him
I had tried to love him
I had tried to sing
I had tried to help
But he could not accept comfort
And he screamed
Faces glared from his mind
Loved ones walked away
Deserting him, abandoning, leaving him alone
It was going to happen again
It was just a matter of time�
And, eventually, I fell asleep
The salt drying on my face and burning my heart
While he huddled in a corner, underneath his bed
Where his stolen treasure lay
Seeking to fill the empty space
------------------------
Repeated pattern�
The nights were blending into days
Where did they begin and end?
When would there be a break?
I struggled to hang on to hope for him, for us, for me
But my grasp was slipping.
I could not stay awake for him as the hours slipped away
And in the early morning light
Panic flooded over my soul as I was unable to find him
Room by room, floor by floor�
Basement, garage, shed, backyard�
Closet, car�
Finally, to spy him playing in the neighbor�s drive
Cheerful and affectionate, smiling
And my fear exploded
I could not keep him safe
I could not see all
He would not let me fill his soul
And as he hid from me
I became convinced that I could not help him alone
Maybe not at all�
I made the call to the therapist
We found a bed
And I left him all alone just like all those before me
Just like he knew I would
Just like he told me so
Behind locked doors, with strangers and pills�
My heart shattered, another time
Into millions of broken bits
As, blinded by my tears, I drove away
He was only four years old�
------------------------------------------
Cookies�
Luscious hills lay scattered with mounds of melted minds
Fallen from their cages and flowering, free form
Where casting off life�s prison, boundaries disappear
Pulsing power plunging forth into the great beyond
Silent watchers witness in wonder at the sight
Impatiently, with awe filled fascination
Enviously waiting and struggling for breath
Jealous eyes engage, beginning salivation
Savage scenes o�erwhelm the subtle slippered stalker
As aromatic message wafts woven with wind
Temperatures have risen to great intensity
Cavalierly causing emissions to extend
Rumbling rivers roil imperceptible to view
Vortex� eddies churning, with every passing sniff
Desire streams unrestrained, an agony of bliss
Ecstasy takes over, bestowing hunger�s kiss.
-----------------------------------------
When we were young, so long ago, and days were bright and gay
When sunbeams crowned our golden heads, and sorrows flew away
When angels seemed to whistle tunes, blowing in the breezes
When grown-ups stopped to catch a glimpse, wishing they could be us
We unaware, of their staring, simply played our hearts out
Blissful in our ignorance, we lay beneath the glee spout
Where joy seemed inexhaustible, and happiness was free
When the whole purpose of our lives, was simply just to be
----------------------------------------------
Lost Innocence
In the beginning there was beauty
Soft melodies drifting over breath
Glistening eddies rippling with emotion
Scented views banishing regret
Beams of light borne by angelic envoys
Held in feathered grasp, a treasured force
Bubbling joy riding over wavelets
Quiescent in the path of river�s course
Where peace reigning supreme o�er worlds, sublime
Showed no hesitation on its face
And glorious visions covered passion�s chance
For sorrow had no bed within this place
When humankind stepped to the wishing well
Thinking we could improve on Heaven
Began instead a hypnotizing spell
Fixed upon providing us a lesson
Loveliness has given way to dark
Seeking refuge far behind the scene
Hidden safely from marauding foes
Only to be found within our dreams
---------------------------------------------
Letting go�
In the still of the night, when the crickets sing of death
The final doze for troubled times, a smothering last breath
I can drift away in solitude, and pray
In the quietness of dark, when raised voices bow to snores
The exhaustion of my spirit, o�erwhelms my every pore
I can float on sorrows� waterway, and cry
In reflections of the moon, when the world has gone to sleep
The luminescent cleansing glow brings peace for me to keep
I can close the pages, on a painful day
In the privacy of dusk, when attaining peaceful rest
The heavenly starlight of God�s touch lets me know I�m blessed
I can stop my worry, trusting him to pay
The price of my forgiveness�
------------------------------------------
Firefly�
Under dark skies, the fields echo
with ringing screams of laughter
carried on the wind
Bare feet race swiftly
over tufted clumps of grass,
itchy soft, brushing �gainst lithe legs
Cloudless skies hang above
soft silken heads, umbrella-like
protecting them from fear
Silent wings brush dreamy eyes,
catching at the edges of their gaze,
a taunting view
Flashes glow faint, then brighter
as fairy dust flies past
their outstretched grasp, to freedom
Giggling, an angel stops,
seemingly to rest patiently, mistakenly
to be perceived inert
The flashy sprite may land, oblivious,
only to be caught, captive,
within the grip of tiny hands
--------------------------------------------
Poignancy�
Memories of yesteryear call from afar
drawing me back into paths of time
which traveled then, I thought were put behind me,
yet, find my footsteps voyaging again.
To pretty days when youth still bloomed upon
my lips, and dreams were growing wild, unpruned,
when knowledge had, not yet, had time to dim
the unrestrained display of innocence.
To afternoons filled with a future�s goal
to simply run and play until the night,
when falling down, at last, upon the green
could find no better place to lie and rest.
And laughter was the only sound I�d hear
come ringing in the wind to other souls,
announcing the next days� itinerary
scheduling a life in fun and sport.
When weeks would pass without a fleeting thought
of growing up, one day, and finding life
had changed to an abraded parking lot
of tiredness, exhausting happiness.
When months would become years, and I was grown,
mature and full of conscientiousness,
forgetting how to take the time to play,
and saddled by a servitude to stress.
I often see my children looking on
the lack of beaming shown upon my face
and wondering, how was it possible,
that I could ever, truly, have been fresh?
-----------------------------------------
Renaissance�
I listened to the sighing of the wind
Following the path of least resistance
Bursting at the seams with resignation
Regarding debts accrued, still yet unpaid
Apparent gracefulness belied the truth
That all is never calm as it may seem
For underneath the sweetly simple breath
Blew corridors through angry rushing streams
And buffeted by storms throughout the night
Ostensibly defeated at the dawn
The power of her whispers lay in shreds
Remaining tatters whimpering alone
However, as the sun refilled her soul
With gleaming waves of verve upon her wings
Ascending to the challenge born anew
Echoing, once more, I heard her sing
----------------------------
Lost and Found�
Have you ever been lost?
Who pays the price?
What is your cost?
Where is the key?
Once I was lost,
buried inside
a dark distant place
where evil resides
longing for grace
I struggled with my paltry power
to escape this Hellish state
boundless in it's cruel intent
excluding all benevolence
Each day I woke,
within my heart...
My spirit lay dead to the world
and fear controlled my universe
I hid behind my lies...
Streams of tears fell down my face
flooding helpless tortured ground
though screaming filled my feeble place
the silent anguish made no sound
I never prayed to God, for I was angry
My life a mess, I blamed him for my grief
He sent me tests, to give me strength to measure
my fickle unreliability
I thought that I had everything, under my control
I needed no one
and, so claimed my soul,
as mine alone
Have you ever been lost?
Who pays the price?
What is your cost?
Where is the key?
I lost myself,
buried far within
a deep dark lonely place of my creation
where a smile never crossed my face
and sadness overwhelmed my fine sensations
Then...
One day a strange and kindly man
approached me, asking
Do you ever pray?
I answered,
No, I'm living, day to day
traveling the path of my design.
When this gentle man had left my trail
I began to ask myself, inside,
Where is the meaning of my life to live?
Why should I remain and not be dead?
and gratefully, though with trepidation,
I decided I would bow my head
in supplication...
My life began to change each passing day
the light began to glow within my heart
sinking roots deep into my being
my mind, and soul had found another start
Embedded in the darkest secret caverns
his light began illuminating me
and handing over reins to my commander
I began my walk with heaven's king
I have been found...
There is no cost...
I pay no price...
He is the key...
------------------------------------
Forgiveness�
When the day is gone and the night has come
When the light has fled to another home
I can sit and dream and can ruminate
On the tasks achieved and on errors made
As the moonlight glows and the starlight shines
When the soft wind blows in the dead of night
I can fly away on the wings of sleep
To a distant land where the angels weep
Healing tears of love that will cleanse my hurt
And replace my cries with a song of birth
Of the dove of peace sitting on his throne
Clearing all my sins as though never done
-----------------------------------------
Two planks of wood
Two planks of wood scarred and hideous
Tainted with my past, are my only hope
Two planks of wood, which were pierced in blood
Held my deception, hidden from no one
Two planks of wood purchased with his pain
Specified by love given, undeserved
Two planks of wood stood alone in me
Built within my hear, yet I did not see
Two planks of wood trampled underfoot
I have spit upon, insignificant
Two planks of wood are my only hope
When I realized, I knelt wholly broke
Two planks of wood should have been my fate
But he paid the price, and he took my place
Two planks of wood lay fore�er engraved
Deep within my soul, and received thru grace