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These past few days have still been good. It sounds strange, but in some ways, there is part of mestill waiting for the shoe to drop, and my world to explode again. Likely a bit of PTSD. We've been living in such chaos for so long, that peace seems alien and unreal.
Monday, both boys has an appointement with Dr Robinson. They are both doing very well. The doctor still wants me to work Dalton off the Abilify, which I began giving him again when I nix'd the Topamax, but he did give me prescriptions for all his current meds. Eskalith, Seroquel, and Abilify. his concern, is that hestates there is no evidence supporting being treated with two antipsychotic medications at the same time! I do not agree with his statement. Dalton has required Seroquel and Zyprexa for 5 years, we were able to stop the Zyprexa after almost doubling his Seroquel, but the two meds seemed to address different symptoms. Dr R did backstep to say that Seroquel and Abilify's mechanism of delivery is a bit different and may cover different symptoms.
I told the doc that I am not ready to stop Abilify yet. I explained that when I stopped the Topamax, Dalton seems to be more clear in his thinking, maybe the Topamax was sulling him a bit? However, his activity level and hypomanic stuff seemed to increase a bit... so I added the Abilify. I plan to try to stop it in another month and see what happens. At present he is on 450mg Eskalith BID, 600mg Seroquel AM, 400mg Seroquel noon & PM, and 5mg Abilify PM. Still on Synthyroid and Miralax as well.
David's meds are staying the same 100mg Clozaril am, 400mg pm, and 80mg Geodon BID, 12.5mg Thorazine PRN. Dr R noticed that this visit David was not overly angry, was more alert and clear headed. Much more open affect.
Since both boys are doing well, we scheduled 3 mos appointments.
---------------------
Tuesday, we did bloodwork for both boys.
Dalton had his first ever U/A. that was an experience! Like anything new, he got anxious, did not want to do it... I ended up taking the paraphenalia with me to collect it later. After David did his labs at the hospital we take him to, they go to different labs, Dalton decided he had to go pee. I had told him that we would not be able to go to the fireworks stand if he did not pee in the tray/cup for his test. LOL I'll use whatever I have to to motivate!
David's hospital lab is close to Gene's office, so we made a quick stop to say "Hi" to daddy, and collect the urine specimin! Parenting is fun! Then left to see Pinnochio at the free movies...
On the way home, Gene called me to tell me he was ill and had gone hom to rest... The evening found us all feeling fine, and was a pleasant time. David mowed the neighbors lawn, we played basketball, had dinner...
Peace feels funny, but I think I could get used to it!
Smiles to everyone. I hope you are having some peace in your lives.
God Bless and keep you all
There is always a light, no matter how dim, if only we seek to find it.
Sunrise�
Waves rasp gently upon the shore
Breaking soft against the rocks
And wind caresses silken skin
Rippling ridges, reflecting the moon
Hesitant light glows, shaded in hues of crimson
Purple strands wrap �round rosy fabric
Shining whispers gaining strength with each passing moment
Growing courage and covering the haloed heavens
With a splendid legacy of auspicious hope
Billowed vapors coalesce, gathering to bloom
Fields of mystic blossoms bending low to breezes
Sensitive, each responsive flower turning its face
Into the brilliance of the morning sun
To float away and meet the distant horizon
Feathered friends of angels soar on cushioned air
Singing songs of glorious restoration
Hopeful joy lands delicate, tenderly embracing
Uniting memoirs of yesterday with the promise of today
-----------------------
A sunrise can be many things
a picture of beauty
a time of release
a moment of calm
a chance to start over
a gift from God
allowing us to begin
with a fresh new page
clean of transgression
to be born anew, guilt-free,
and live another day.
God Bless,
There is always a light, no matter how dim, if only we seek to find it.
-----------------------------
Below is more poetry written recently while offline...
It is helpful to think on good times, and happy thoughts. In the midst of this illness, we must remember that all is not darkness, and no matter how buried we may feel, during the bad times, there is hope. God is always with us, and he is holding our a hand to pull us up from the valleys, back into the light.
Memories...
Not so long ago:
You were small enough to rest your head within the crook of my arm,
as rocking, walking back and forth you drifted off to dream.
You were small enough to ride upon my hip and hold on tight
as we walked through darkened paths at night underneath the stars.
You were small enough to run beside me with three steps to my one,
then raise your arms in silent plea to be lifted from the earth.
You were small enough to lay beside me in the evening, to rest your head
upon my lap, content and still, as tenderly, I ran my fingers through your hair.
You were small enough to hold my arm and rest your cheek upon my pillowed flesh, as I drove us to our destination and you drifted off to rest.
You were small enough that I could pick you up and carry you to bed,
when collapsing from exhaustion you fell asleep to lay upon the floor.
You were small enough to hold my hand when walking �cross the parking lot,
valiantly brave, so you could keep your Mommy safe from harm.
You were small enough to stand on tippie-toes, to press a kiss upon my cheek
and hug my neck without questioning the propriety.
You were small enough to welcome my embraces of affection, murmured greetings lovingly displayed, when in full view of public we were seen.
You were small enough to cry for help, when fallen down,
you had scraped your pride and knew that I would come offering relief.
You were small enough to believe and trust that Mommy could make anything okay when broken, or mistaken, tears filled your eyes with streams.
You were small enough to huddle close at any time
and know that you were safe and warm, that comfort rested in my arms for you.
As time has passed it would make sense
that life would change as you have grown.
No longer small, you tower over me, and I amble,
following, within the shadowed path your wanderings have led.
Miraculous, I hesitate to observe that even now:
You�re still small enough to look to me for love,
for hope, for safety, for comfort,
for assistance, and for guidance,
and you�re still small enough
to dream�
Windows�
Broken shards of glass
Lay covered with the stain
In multicolored hues,
Of fractured joy and pain
They glisten in the sunlight
With smarting, febrile tears
Blurring paths of freedom,
Surrendering to fear
Fallen on the pavement,
Shattered from life�s storms
Glowing rainbowed fragments
Dispiritedly mourn
Reflected rays send echoes
Soliciting defenses
As hurricanes destruction
Breach devastated fences
Discovered by a stranger
And lifted from the darkness
Rescued devastation
Transfigured to completeness
Repaired by lines of loving
Paths drawing through division
And dressings leaded binding
The severed parts rendition
Designs magnificent
Rise gleaming from the glooming
Resurrected beauty
Grown stalwart from fine tuning
Robin song�
A melody falls on my ear
As laying hidden from all fear
I ponder on the meaning of existence
A tune chimes soft, expectantly
Of grace and growth, as patiently
I seek to appreciate its common sense
All thoughts collapse within my mind
Remembering feelings hard to find
Emotions sweet and tenderly delivered
On words contained inside a dream
Where fantasy begins to sing
My wandering soul climbs paths of the bewildered
Soft whispered hopeful sentiments
Conceal secreted armaments
Whose wisdom veils an unseen blessed hero
Angelic message, sacred rings
Beauty adorned, encompassing
The graceful peace I hear outside my window
Children at Play�
Sparkling orbs glitter in the sunshine
Smiling with a soundless melody
Showers radiate enthusiasm
Ardently transporting wondrous glee
Joyful essence wafts upon a whisper
Winds deliver scented ecstasy
Fragrant raining message gently sprinkles
Patient peaceful praise, persistently
Golden rays illuminate silk surface
Glowing with illusive sanctity
Graceful beams of gorgeous innocence
Cultivating sweet serenity
Laughter blesses those who stop to listen
Beatific chorus singing of a dream
Granting gift of purity and honor
Perceived as passing by on angels� wings
Racetrack�
As silver tubes of sturdy strength hold his imagery
Sky blue eyes stare off in preparation for the dance
Ribbons lay in threaded streaks bordering the vict�ry
Ebony sheets of midnight advance triumphant dreams
He dons his armored shield proclaiming him defender
Portraits of a champion race soaring through his mind
And tightly grasps the leather sheathed circular control
As his wildly, beating heart anticipates the shot
Excited screams engulf the air, piercing ears with joy
Alert, intently focused, he quietly draws breath
Captured, daring not to breath again until the end
Unaware of other moments passing through his gaze
Sole contender for the prize, he never stopped to think
Flooring pedals to the ground without a second thought
Hastens in pursuit of heav�n, made of a checkered flag
Crossing into kingly realms where he is crowned supreme
Resurrection�
The winds have blown the sadness from my dusty fields
Where I had strayed and lost my way within the drought
And blistering rays have laid to waste destructive paths
Of desolated hope hung dry on withered vines
Misty tears have gathered to mountainous purport
Hardhearted, anguish has been clouded by disguise
Desiccated, shriveled, distracted from the pain
Vaporous haze o�erwhelms my sight, seemingly to soothe
Unknown wonder has arrived and found a welcome
A rescued home among a strange forbidden land
Renovating dreams with the simplest watercourse
Redesigning expectation, deliv�ring peace
Falling showers reign above, christening my hope
Sent to cool my heated soul, my spirit renewed
Desert sands lay transformed, a lush and fertile ground
Supplying an excess, a surfeit of freedom
Unrecognizable, I stand within the shade
Of sheltered forest causeways, flowering with life
My heart once atrophied, has recovered, fully
And love, reflected, whistles softly in the light
Salvation�
Rays of light twist limber through the silken cloudy veil
And glow with tinted shades, drawn multihued
Blushing whispers wander upon submissive breezes
To journey into dreams of hidden truth
Soft caress of angels� wings pass silent thorough my mind
Their velvet memory has filled my soul
Serenity, a blanket, protecting hopefulness
Has fallen, faintly, silken over all
Whimpered cries of anguish are comforted with singing
Heard flowing o�er the trees beneath the moon
Speaking of a message, deliverance to heaven,
His priceless trust is offered as a boon
Floating like a feather, the promised liberation
Strives to fulfill my heart�s capacity
My spirit overflowing with faith reborn through fire
Sits humble, bowing low and reverently
It was my cross�
I see you there upon the hill
standing tall beneath my shame
Indestructible, stalwartly bearing
all the grief I�ve caused
Humble origin, belying inner strength,
proclaims your love
Dressed in bloodstained mud,
and dripping blackest sin,
I gave you pain
Yet your gaze remains tender,
falling like rain upon my soul
I am not worthy,
I am in agony for you,
Would that I could take your place
Pierced, your hands still grasp the nails
of my blasphemy with caring
You wear my crown of stabbing thorns
and, yet, you still smile gently
Even blinded,
through your fiery misery,
you justify
Truly you are grace incarnate,
sent to save me from your wrath
Unworthy, I lay prostrate at your feet
begging you to rise
Grateful for you sacrifice,
and sorrowful I made the need
I commit my life,
existing only,
to serve in your name
Last week David took the GED exam on Tuesday and Wednesday. He was finished early both days, and thinks he do okay. We have to wait until August 4 to find out if he passed or not.
Overall, things are going well. David is sleeping a chunk of the mornings away, his medication seems to be very sedating, but about noon or son he is usually up and is in a relative good frame of mind. Tuesday, David applied for a job andhad an interview at PizzaHut! This is one of the two places he had applied and been turned down at before his hospitalization. Up to this point, he paranoia has always brought those rejections to the front as proof, that the world is against him, no one wants tog ive him a job, so whay should he try. I think his being willing to apply is a HUGE step forward. He has 3 friends working there, it would be great if he could get on... We'll have to wait and see.
Yesterday was a bit rougher than lately. David has been doing very well, and I am certain this is a temporary glitch. I am not sure why he is having such a rough time today, other than he went to a b-day party for a friend last night. He has spent time with friends pretty regularly the past couple week,s but I wonder if the party was too many kids, too much stimulation???? I picked him up at 10, so it is not like he was there late.
This morning, he was up at a more normal time, about 9:45am. vs 11 or later. Gene asked David to take out trash and check the animals food and water. David responded very disrespectfully and negatively, and Gene ended up doing the chore. And told him that since he did not seem able to show respect and give to the family, he would have to find his own ride this evening to an activity he wants to go to.
Enter the paranoia, you are holding a grudge, you never see my point, you are against me, why should I try to do anything, you hate me, you don't care, you never did....tirade.
I was able to get him to take an extra 1/2 tab of Thorazine and he attended Dalton's baseball awards thing, very informal and short. When we got home he went and applied for a job at a video place a couple friends told him were hiring at last eve's party.
Good stuff!
I told him he might want to ask his father if he could do something to "earn" a ride this evening, unfortunately, this did not work well. We asked him if he would do dishes and vacuum. He went back into the Why should I do anything , you never do anything for me mode.... More of the same paranoid delusional thinking patterns again...
Anyway, Gene took Dalton to the children's museum and I stayed home with David. he was in tears, all you want to do is leave me, stuff.... I finally managed to get him to take his aft dose of thorazine, and fed him. he called a friend to try to get a ride.
This is pretty mild compared to what he was doing just 2 mos ago, but I hate this illness. You cannot reason with a person with SZ when they are locked into a paranoid, delusional pattern of thinking. They cannot see that they are not rational, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to make them see...
Today is going well. Gene went to church early for a class, so the boys and I followed at normal time. David was able to get up, ahowered and go, though he was dragging a bit. Dalton stayed in his new 5th grade class, alone! for the first time since promotions Sunday about a month ago! His shadow volunteer has been on vacation, so this is a big plus that I finally managed to talk him into staying. Last week I got him in the door, we stayed for the music, then he insisted he go to service with me.
Both David and Dalton feel asleep at home after church. Gene and I took a nap for a while as well. At present, David has just had a couple friends come over and is having a good time.
Thank God we seem to have found a good medication combination for him, at last.
To anyone reading, I hope that your family is doing well, and if not, please know there is hope.
There is always a light, no matter how dim, if only we seek to find it.
God bless,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have been working on beginning a book dealing with parenting, symptoms of, treatments for, and the impact mental illness causes for our children and on our families...
Barely born�
Bravely loved�
Borrowed babe�
Searing firestorms have declared a home
within the confines of her living room
Blazing screams echo pain of grieving
suffering denied, masked by a facade of ferocity
Struggling for survival, his tortured soul gives strength
of forceful fierceness, veiling frailty
Emotion is the enemy, exposure would be weak,
vulnerability is buried deep within a grave of terror
Trauma begets chaos, familiar, therefore welcomed,
as a lesser threat than trusting confidence
Intimacy leads to devastation, it is self-destruction,
a loss of identity, whereby his soul would vanish and expire
Incapable of comprehending love, its very definition is a theory
proven false by experience of living
All he has ever known is sorrows� ache, trust is alien,
incomprehensible, the thought of hope cannot occur
A single proffered kiss ignites his fear, as struggling for breath,
he will fight until his death evading peace
So she binds his feral flesh into a blanket of safe harbor,
swathing his frightened dread until he sleeps
Meeting fear with calm, his raging with a prayer,
his injured heart is bound by her belief
Withdrawing from the fray, to give up and retreat,
cannot result from her souls� empathy,
as long as she is capable
to breathe�
Hyper-vigilance�
His gaze travels through the room, repeatedly, seemingly intent upon a thought.
Each miniscule movement encapsulates attention. Each isolated sound arrests his ear.
The expression on each face must be deciphered, potential threat determined
and destroyed.
Incarcerated spirit, mind ensnared, he�s unable to attend to the mundane.
Chaos , recurring, chronically the lone reality he can abide.
His toys lay scattered on the floor, jumbled array analogous to life.
Distracted, his awareness roves precisely, enfolding self within disordered world�
He cannot focus.
Concentration is alien, a thief of stolen childhood.
Other souls see his rootless eyes and make judgments
of lazing insecurity, obtusely unaware, calling him unwise.
Ascribing fault with lack of understanding, they cannot comprehend this inability.
With discipline, they say, and structure, we can fix him
and make him see the world they way we see�
Difference cannot be tolerated. Disallowed, variety is scorned.
They say that children are resilient, they can bounce.
Censorious, underrating needs to mourn.
Shuffled randomly from home to home, from heart to heart, from bed to bed,
surrendering to alien embraces, of kindly arms lacking foundation or support,
his spirit often falters with anxiety.
Vigilant, continually guarding, certain that he will lose again.
Every time he has begun to trust a schedule, a pattern, a surety of hope...
Each time he has allowed a window into his inner self
all loving and emotive fluency has been snatched away�
No wonder that he doesn�t stop to play, while toys lay neglected through the room.
Timidly he tried to simulate the portrait they desired.
Yet, uncertain, he has never learned the knack...
Of trusting anyone;
Of knowing what the world will bring;
Of reliance upon other souls for safety;
Of confidence of his capability.
Imitation of normalcy has been the best that he could offer.
They see his outer shell and misconstrue hesitation for noncompliance.
His gaze travels through the room, repeatedly, seemingly intent upon a thought.
Each miniscule movement encapsulates attention. Each isolated sound arrests his ear.
The expression on each face must be deciphered, potential threat determined
and destroyed.
Incarcerated in his mind, unable to attend, he trusts no one.
He remains within his halted state, ever watching, ever anxious, ever aware,
of all the things that others have, knowing he�s unworthy to receive.
Pompous Prince �
Omnipotence within his mind,
he controls his world
No one else could do it right,
so he will take the power
By his command the earth revolves,
the sun stays in the heav�ns
If you agree, he�ll show his love,
object, you�ll see his wrath
�No� is inconceivable,
unheard, it is ignored
Tiny tyrant charges toll,
constricted peace is bound
around the throats of parents� hope,
strangling their dreams
Gravely distressed they try to cope,
yet, drown beneath the streams
Fiery runneled rivulets,
coursing wounded ache
Concerned they wince in agony,
relationships at stake
Small grandiose Napoleon,
dictating from his throne
Commanding them to genuflect,
abdicating home
Sovereign compels obedience,
declaring self supreme
Oblivious and unaware,
he is hoarding pain
One day his Godhead will collapse,
and then he�ll understand
When life unseen at last connects
on barren desert sands
Contradiction �
�I�m not doing that!�
�You can�t make me!�
�Get out of my face!�
�Idiot!�
Rude answers to mother�s query, soft inquiry begetting storms.
Incapable of submission, he is unable to comply.
�I said, I don�t want any!�
�Leave me alone!�
�Prove it!�
�Stupid!�
Desperate cries arrive with screaming, rigid stance grown disdainful.
Frozen mien of severity, inflexible, he cannot move.
His foot stomps against the floor, and kicks the wall, leaving shoeprints.
He punches furniture as he walks, launching items at hand, and lashes out.
Thought stops cold, hesitantly caught, shocked into denial by fear.
Knee jerk reaction to battle, he draws the line in frigid stone.
When asked, Do you love me? He responds with �NO!�
When he is told she loves him, he says, �No you don�t!�
When he asks, and the world does not deliver upon command,
His mind rebels, fireworks explode, and eyes smolder with banked passion.
Self defense, safeguarding security, demands his attention.
Unable to discern a benefit, he draws back to fight.
Yet, by way of passage through time, he understands and shows regret.
He knows right from wrong�
and sorrow.
Apologies conveyed, he tries�
to be good.
Impulsivity�
Sweet bundle of emotion runs circles through my mind
Distracted, seems to hesitate, as treasures catch his eye
His brain lights up like magic, desire turns to want
And leaps straight into having without a second thought
No matter who has ownership, when seen his mind says �Mine!�
Without intention to offend, he�s petrified in time
He cannot stop to think before action�s taken place
The shut-off valve works in reverse, he quickly moves in haste
His mouth will spout in overtime with hurtful selfish sounds
Sometimes shocking his sweet self as sentences astound
He�ll chase a toy into the street and never think to look
Unlike most people in this world, his mind�s an open book
The path from sight to action shifts instantly to gear
There�re no reluctant thoughts or qualms ringing through his ears
Unintentional offender, blithely races past
He truly cannot comprehend the oft forgotten task
Of deferring satisfaction until he�s ascertained
That he isn�t crossing boundaries, with unintended strain
On ties of admiration he hopes to see returned
Yet scattered reason falters and his actions burn...
Remorseful and repentant, he tries to make things right
I�m constantly forgiving him for another slight
Delusion�
He sits across the room,
rooted, certain of the truth
contained within the album of his psyche.
Cold as winter ice, his eyes accuse
stalwart defenders of perfidious treachery.
Opinion forged, unalterable,
he stands unto death upon conviction.
Unwavering, inconsolable, suffering in agony
at perceived deceitful infidelity.
Hope and peace lay trampled
on gravel paths of shattered glass
littering causeways forged in kilns of apprehension.
Despite evidence of proven loyalty,
regardless of professions of devotion,
he remains absolute in resolute conclusion.
He is alone.
Love and faith are naught but reliquary residue,
vestiges of insanity, remnants of na�ve purity,
which experience has cast aside;
cadaverous and moldy,
disintegrated by reality
created twisted and malformed within his mind.
While rescuers relentlessly hammer prisons� door,
he fortifies his walls with forceful strength,
unwilling and unable to comprehend the nature of intent.
Each perception he espies,
is painted with a brush of disbelief,
veracity and truth interpreted by languages of expectation.
He sees what he believes,
believing what is seen,
and cannot amend his certainty.
Wearied�
Sitting in a chair, backed into a corner
Idly gazing off into the distance
Scarcely seems alive, barely drawing breath
His hooded eyes stare vacant through the gloom
Where his watcher waits
Laughter used to ring within these walls of pain
Footsteps fell like rain on golden paths of hope
Children played in peace, building future dreamscapes
Heartbeats embraced by graceful sympathy
But love has vanished
Remembered follies linger, haunting souls with whispers
Singing hymns of joy, now twisted, altered dirges
Softer feelings trampled, fallen into sadness
Fade away, abandoned, suspended by a mind
A vanquished life, adjourned
Dreams once pervaded the atmosphere with faith
Ambitions� goal, simply sought sweet solace
Anticipated wishes� echoes linger yet
Silent, leaden, still, reminders of past fancies
Evaporating
Poignant character resides in limbo
Uncertain of existence, loath to study
Insignificant, lacking motivation
Worthless movement but shameful useless waste
Consciousness disbanded
Absent�
Little Boy Lost...
Clouded pictures of forgotten hope disguise his wounds.
A lonely gift from early days, the only tie left over, as he was left behind.
Translucent wall, transformed to gossamer partition.
Alluring boundary, powerful, averting bonding with dishonest souls.
Fictitious memories hide hurtful reality.
Drawn close around, blanketing, false warmth imitates security and isolates.
Hoarding an illusion of heaven in his mother�s arms,
Recalling counterfeit affection, he has built deceptive visions in his heart.
Forlorn and solitary, this filmy haze, blinding him from pain,
buries his benumbed soul in agony,
Existing in delusion, convinced that only he can offer safety.
He has scaled the mountain, a lonely soul, searching for a remedy to heal his grief.
Yearning for companionship, not knowing what he seeks,
Sightless eyes refuse to comprehend a sanctuary, our arms of comfort,
reaching out in empathy.
Sadly unaware of others aching in despair at his dilemma, he cannot understand compassion,
he was not taught.
Abandoned, his broken heart has hardened, to withered desolation obscuring future dreams.
Hazy barricade seems firmly planted, embedded deep inside the vacant rooms within.
Caged, he is imprisoned, incapable of opening a door.
Desperately, he tries to form an understanding, battering his head into miasmas of lost belief.
Unseeing, he fails to glimpse the open skies offering escape.
Where we have thrown a rope anchored in our hearts, Buttressed by our faith,
hoping he will find the stair,
While we stand at the base of his summit,
praying he can find the strength to leap�
Hiding Place�
He sits staring through me, as though I don�t exist, pain emanating from his splintered soul
From his sweetly formed face, despairing eyes reflect, fearful cowering alarm in his heart
Rejecting the world and all who could hurt again, he�s built a wall from sore isolation
Shaping a room, a private padded shelter, projecting a deceptive vacancy
Huddled scared, he has scaled the mountainous terrain, and taken refuge, in rocks of despair
Hidden
I cannot reach him
He is alone
Terrified, I search the skies for answered pleas, struggling through tears flooding my courage
Feeling his agony, his loneliness, and fear, I flinch from what my baby has endured
If only I could go back and reverse the time, to take his place, his part, his pain,
I would
Instead, I chase his tortured soul, off�ring my love. Yearning to wrap him in my arms at night
I cry to the heavens to part the clouds of gloom, which have covered his hope with misery
Stumbling on rocks, and the boulders strewn in his path,
My knees are torn as I fall here in prayer
I cannot falter,
I will not give up my faith
I�ll pound on the doors to his heart again, until my strength has faded, and my breathing stops
I will climb through the mist, repeatedly.
My soul knows his hiding place, and though he may run,
I have faith I will reach him and hold him
One day
And his eyes will see my heart and feel my anguish, and my baby will no longer be alone
Safely
Light will release him
He will be free
Artless Angel�
When he was small he�d sit and smile
a gleeful grin of devilry
His eyes would shine with glowing grace
of heaven sent hilarity
Imagination flowed from depths
engaging sight with mystery
Secreted from a life mundane,
he shows our souls the fallacy
Of strict adherence to the norm
while shunning different memory
His gentle love is shared with all
who come to join his family
Now, not so small, but, even yet,
his smile remains a miracle
Encouraging our fallen dreams
he waters hope with his own soul
At ten years old, still playing games
you�d think to see a two year old
His eyes contain maturity,
still innocent, he broke the mold
Reminding us to reminisce
on youthful days we have let go
Return to living life today
with childish eyes on heaven�s goal
-copyright 2004-
Well it has been about two weeks since I was last on to update our family status. Things are going remarkably well. I have published my bookof poetry dealing with parenting mentally ill children, specifically coping through David's hospitalization. I have sold several copies, gotten it in a local Christian book store, and am working on getting it listed with major booksellers online.
David has formally withdrawn form high school. Surprisingly, when he received his lat grade card, he only failed the Math class he dropped. all his other classes, he managed to pass with at least a D! Last week he sat for the GED Pretest and passed with flying colors. He will sit for the actual GED exam tomorrow and Wednesday. I hope he passed the test as easily as the practiice exam.
Today, David actually applied and interviewed for a job at Pizza Hut. This is the same place that he had interviewed at once before and was not hired. Previously, this rejection, in addition to the mcdonalds interview, has been thrown up as a paranoid proof of the world being out to get him, being against him, and as a valid reason to not apply for a job anywhere. So his willingness to apply for a job again is a huge success.
David's medication seems to be stabilising. Other than some drooling at night, and noticeable weight gain, he is not having untenable side effects. He is currently taking 80mg Geodon BID, 100mg Clozaril AM, and 400mg PM, 12.5mg Thorazine BID(PRN), and Synthyroid 88mcg. His moods are level most of the time. He is cheerful, his affect is good, he is showing flexibility, emotional availability, tolerance of his brother, and only has real difficulty when very tired, or too much stimulation fr a prolonged time frame.
He has been able to have a friend stay overnight on Saturdays two weeks in a row, then additional friends over the next day. He mowed our lawn for the first time in several weeks last week without difficult attitude, and has been doing the nieghbor's lawn for money.
Overall, I feel like I have my son back! Life is good. We have our moments, when we have to be careful of his mood based on his tiredness, and time of day, but he has not done this well for this long in a very long while.
Dalton is doing well also. He and I attended VBS at out church the 2nd week of June. He did fantastic! Not a single outburst or incident the entire time! this is a first for him.. There were 796 children per day, and a total of 948 people including adults and volunteers! He did awesome. Other than being a bit clingy, a stranger would not have known he was different in any way.
I was successful in discontinuing Dalton's topamax, and I think it may have been causing some cognitive dulling that we were not aware of! he has been talking more, coloring, even read 40 pages of a book to me the other day! "Put Me In The Zoo". Dalton is on less medication now than he has been on in over 5 years. He is taking 450mg Lithium CR, BID, Seroquel 600mg AM, 400mg Noon & PM, Abilify 5mg PM, Synthyroid 75mcg, and Miralax 17g. I have successfuly stopped Zyprexa and Topamax, since spring.
Dalton is having some hypomanic periods, and increassed ODD behavior, but overall, his mood is pleasant, and appropriate. He is also cleaning himself after BM messes about 75% of the time, even if not using the toilet consistently.
Overall, both my boys are doing well, better than in ages.
God Bless,
BettyJo
http://www.lulu.com/BettyJo
There is always a light, no matter how dim, if only you seek to find it.
I'm back!!! due to being blond, and allowing my hair to begome ingrown into my brain, I made the deadly mistake of playing in my profile. I messed up my sign in, and have been having severe withdrawl from being unable to update all you devoted readers out there. LOL
All fixed, and I am resolved to never again stick my grubby fingers where they do not belong. I also resolve to never forget my password. suffice to say, I'm back!
He stood, waving, at the door
With his tiny hand motioning toward his chest
Two simple words, powerfully uttered
Seize her heartstrings, grasping with a hopeful grip�
Come back?
and
Tears flowed from her eyes�
Angelic face, elfin
Big blue eyes search for faith
Anticipating trust
Wishing...
Shuffled back and forth, From one home to another
Fed and held, but kept at a distance from their love
They did care for him. They did love him, a little
They wanted him to have a family
Just not theirs�
The new ones brought him Batman.
Eighteen inches tall, with a cape of midnight
Bat wings that folded back onto themselves
A superhero who personified his dreams of,
Belonging�
Come back?
and
Anxiety flowed from his heart�
Enchanted figure, standing
Golden hair glistens in the setting sun
Gestures reach, but hesitate
Yearning...
The new ones drove away leaving promises to hold
But how is he to know how to believe?
He�s heard it all before, as he�s left there at the door
His giant eyes grew moist with unshed tears�
Come back?
Observed by the adults, he sits alone
Beautiful and sheltered in the room
His gestures misinterpreted, as cute
So sweet, innocent, precocious
They do not understand
His heart lies fractured on the ground
Laying at his feet, its shards glimmer in the night
As the car has passed from view
He turns, towing the shattered bits behind him
As he crawls into a darkened space to nurse his wounds
Come back?
Soon his heart may pass ability of restoration
Soon he will stop asking�
Come back?
As they drove away,
she knew
His pain had become hers
Though incapable of understanding from his view
It was an intellectual choice
Born of desire, and sympathy,
and hope
How many times, she asked, has he been left?
If we don�t return, where will he end?
Her heartstrings reverberate with echoes of his call
Pulling, tugging, wrenching at her soul
She would go back�
How long before they let her take him home?
How long before he learns to trust?
How long before he�ll willingly seek comfort
held within her embrace?
It didn�t matter.
She will go back�
Until she never has to leave him there again.
It was the day!
The sun was shining, bright with possibilities
With hope, with emotion, with aspiration, with dreams
fulfilled�
He was going home!
Happiness rose encumbered with concern
Apprehension twisting, caught with unease
Joyful moments, poignant, tearing at his soul
Fearfully, he follows the new ones to their home
His home
His place
His family
He belongs
and
His face crumpled with divided loyalties and wept
They came back...
I'm looking back on memories and tryingt o record them in written form...
We met Dalton when he was 3yrs 8mos. He moved in with us permanently two months later...
His mannerism of asking everyone he met to come back, seemed sweet, his fostermother especially loved seeing it. In retrospect, this mannerism was, in fact, a bittersweet expression of his longing to belong. He has never done it again since he moved in with us all those yeas ago!
Summer is officially here. Dalton's school is out for the year, and David will be done with his finals tomorrow. He will begin the trek into adulthood, out of highschool, a chapter in his life ended, and an new book about to begin.
I have reason to hope that we have overcome the worst of his illness for the time being, and that his future will continue to improve. David is smiling, more. He is laughing more. He is talking more. He seems able to meet life with flexibility and motivation. He is able to reason...
This past weekend was a good one! A three day weekend, I was concerned that it might not go so well, they often haven't in the past. Changes in schedule and patterns tend to make things a bit crazy in our home.
Saturday, we spent a large portion of the day at home, just vegging. For the most part it was very peaceful. David seems a bit sedated from teh increase in his medication, but alternately, when he is awake, he is more pleasant, less stressed, and more coherant.
Sunday, David was very sedated in the morning. We left him home while we took Dalton and went to church. When we got home, he was awake and alert. We spent the afternoon shopping for summer clothes, primarily for David, as he has been gaining weight due to teh Clozaril. Weighing the pros and cons of weight gain vs, ability to live life, we will deal with the weight. We spent the reminder of the day at home, watched some videos and overall had a good day.
monday, we took the boys to the zoo. We all had a good time, even David. Dalton is a bit more manic. His hypomanic state has been escalating for about a month, with increased oppositional behavior and defiant, grandiose mouthiness... I think this is a combination of factors. First, spring and transition from one season to another is always a factor. Second, with school ending, the transition and excitement simply pushes him a bit further than kids who do not face his challenges. Third, David's illness and symptoms have affected Dalton, just as they have affected Gene and my stress levels. As David is getting better, Dalton is safer to express his stress build up. Last, he missed his nighttime medication dose twice in the past week! I had trustedhim to take it, upon request and did not check before bed to see it had been done. I will be more cognizant in the future.
When we got home from the zoo, David got a call from friends and left to spend about 3 hours hanging out and playing card games. dalton took a nap, both on the drive home, and for a short while as I prepared dinner. After dinner, we took him fishing at the pond up the street, and then to the park. He played very well with the children there.
It feels a little strange to be able to write of pleasant experiences after so much pain and instability, but god is good in his willingness to provide good times to outweigh the bad.
There is always a light, no matter how dim, if only we seek to find it.