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Love is...
Bending over laundry, scrubbing underwear with soapy hands
Turning deafened ears on willful, mulish, obstinate demands
Meeting kicking feet with soft and calming words designed to cure
Offering embraces, even in the face of hateful slurs
Love is...
Praying in the night, carressing shadowed eyelids while he sleeps
Praying in the morning, as he casts her love back at her feet
Never giving up, no matter how unlikely is success
Forever hanging on to faithfulness, even in distress
Love is...
Persistence in the face of insurmountable desire to flee
Staying at the scene of battle, one more time, until he is set free
Hugging him, and holding him, while he screams she's hurting him, again
Promising to remain beside him, locked in battle to the end
Love is...
Dalton returned to school just over a week ago. I went to his school open house last evening. He is doing wonderfully this year. His teacher for reading and math took me aside, and told me he is clearer, brighter, and more alert. He is ready to learn and excited about school this year! This is the same teacher for these subjects he had last year...
I thought I had noticed this myself when we took him off the Topamax at the beginning of summer, but it is wonderful to have it confirmed. He had been on Topamax for so long that we did not realize that it was dulling him a bit.
There were times when he was so psychotic and unstable, early on, I never thought I would see this day, but there is hope with patience and persistence. He will be 11 on the 28th.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summer's end...
The wheels on the bus turned�
It was early on a Wednesday morning and the sun was shining brightly. Under a cloudless sky they stood waiting in anticipation. After a halted hiatus, far too short in both their views, the end to summer fun had come. She looked on with pride and poignancy as he bounced with excitement. Her heart beat pitter-pat, then skipped a beat, as he barely allowed a hug before departure...
and the wheels on the bus turned�
The screech of air-brakes ripped a hole in the morning peace. Her stomach turned a somersault in response. Exchanging smiles with Driver Phil, salutations were restrained, and brief concerns were passed with wings of hope. Her, blue-eyed angel, turned for one more smile, as lugging bags of treasure he climbed the stair. The bus�s aide reassured and guided him to his scheduled berth, and settling in, he strapped his buckled belt into place, as they shut the door behind him and released the brakes�
The wheels on the bus turned�
carrying her hope into tomorrow, then rolled away onto the shining path. They drove on, leaving her behind, clutching hard to treasured dreams and memories of days since passed, and those still yet to come�
and the wheels on the bus turned�
while he waved his upraised hand in a sign of peace.
Dalton has been in school for a week, as of today. he is doing wonderfully well!
For over a month before school started, and even more intensly during the week before school began, Dalton would insistently tell me: "I'm not going! You can't make me!" The day before he was to begin, I bought him a box of tissues which had Micky Mouse and friends on it it sparkly glitter and colors. He told me: "When this is empty, I'm going to bring it home and keep it! You know I like shiny things!"
He went to school just fine.
The evening before school began, I spoke with Dalton's bus driver. It is included in his IEP(Individualized Education Program) that he is to be seated in the front, passenger side, seat on the bus. This is to, hopefully, allow the drive to keep an eye on Dalton, and to minimize the temptation for him to act out due to other children being in his line of vision. This year, his driver asked me if I would mind having Dalton sit elsewhere. They have another student who is having more difficulty than Dalton had done last year. This child is also a child with whom Dalton has had difficulty, in the past. He would like to have that child in Dalton's seat.
Transitions are difficult for Children with mental illness, and for those with FAS. Chances to their world throw them off and make them feel unbalanced. This results in fearful responses, often appearing as acting out behavior. Needless to say, Dalton was not enthralled with the idea. "He's not sitting in my seat! If he does, I'll punch him!" I managed to talk with him multiple times in hope of preparing him for the transition, givngin him time ti get used to the idea... Finally, the morning the bus came, I promised a trip to the Dollar Tree if he did not have incident! It worked. Dalton has been sitting in seat number 9 all week without difficulty, and is taking pride in his achievement!
Thus far, he has not had a single large incident at school. he is coming home with over 50 behavioral points a day, from his alternative school, and is actively proud of his own behavior! Monday this weed was the firs day of actual homework, and he has completed his work both days well, without difficulty. Even a year ago, homework was a major issue, and prior to that, it was a nightmare which I simply did not even try to get through with him.
There is hope for all children.
All children can and do learn with the proper interventions.
Children with challenges such as mine have, can succeed.
Dalton is learning to read, and I am certain he will come a long way this year.
Do not give up!
Do not give in!
There is always a light,
Which we can win,
If we will try...
God is good!
David is getting his first car! Since David is enrolled as a part-time college student for this fall, and he is working, albeit only 9-10 hours a week, it is time for Mom not to have to be chauffeur all the time. A neighbor's son's girlfriend has a Dodge 92 Shadow for sale, he is buying it this afternoon. We're paying half, he is paying the other half.
David took driver's ed last fall, before his illness got so bad. He passed with a B, but never took the test for his license. Even though he was not as bad as he got before his hospitalization, his anxiety was way too high, and then our confidence, way too low! anyway, he went in and took the written test today and passed!!!! He will take the driving portion next Wednesday... Scary..........! Anyway, hopefully, this time next week he will be a licensed driver.
I think this morning is an illustration of the idiom:
"Any stress is bad stress..." or, "Even good stress is bad stress..."
He originally went to the BMV, up the street and did not tell them he had completed his Driver's ed course and passed, therefore they told him he could not take the exam! This, in spite of me having told him to show his card from the course instructor! He was borderline melt-down... with stress. I managed to cool him down, and took him back... He took the test and passed.
On the way home, he was telling me how he was happy he passed the first time, and being excited. The topic changed, and I mentioned chores. I asked him to clean the basement rec area... He got agitated over:
"Why should he have to clean up after his brother?" and "He is tired of being ignored!"
I responded with because we are paying $450.00 toward your car, and more for licensing and insurance... We do things for each other because we are family... I told him he is doing nothing for his brother, I am asking him to do for ME! I also said we are just getting home from me taking you to take your test for your license, I have no idea where you think you're being ignored... I finally gave up and told him to take his noon thorazine and sent him to nap for an hour...
Gene called and asked why my response, I told him even good stress is bad... I remember having to be very aware of transitioning from one task to another with Dalton, still do... Unfortunately, David is where Dalton used to be in this arena re: stress... He is doing well, but we definitely have proof this illness is not a figment of imagination, and that there is a reason we did the GED and part time school. He is doing great most of the time, but any added stress can upset the apple cart easily
------------------------
To be or not to be
... me
Waking in the early morning,
as early as, the deepest night
When all the world, was silent
except for the creaking of the air
... I breathe
When each moment was exaggerated
Blaring bells announcing every thought
and laying in the blackened space
The thrumming of my heartbeat
echoed thunderous in my ears
... to see
Ricocheted reverberation
reiterating questions of my state of mind
Who am I? Where am I?
Why am I? What have I done?
... to me
In the pitch, in the black, in the darkness
my soul awaits� an answer
What is my purpose? Why am I here?
Who have I helped? Whose is this fear?
... to be
---------------------------
Gene and I are both starting our antidepressants again... we stopped after halving the dose for a month, but we both decided that we need the low dose, at least... Transitional times of the year are very stressful on everyone!
God Bless, BettyJo
LIVING IN CHAOS SURVIVAL A Parenting Journey...
Dalton went to school today, with minimal difficulty getting him out the door! All week it has been "I'm not going to school!" "You can't make me!" LOL
He is doing very well this summer since we removed his Topamax and Zyprexa, however, he is a bit more active, and anxious.
Dalton has not been sleeping in his room for most of the summer. A sign of just how far David has come on the tolerance scale, he has been letting Dalton sleep in his room on the floor, quite often! Anyway, with the onset of the school year, we have been struggling with Dalton to get him back inot his room, and into his bed. We did have some success this week. He slept in his bed Sunday and Monday, after a rough struggle to get him to go to sleep. Last night, he slept on the floor in his room. better than half in his room and half in the hall, which was as close as we have gottn in the past month.
The trick to getting him to finally accept that he was going to school today? I bought him a box od tissue with Mickey Mouse on the box. And it was sparkly and shiny!!! His quote last evening, as he was going through his backpack, for the millionth time... "When the box is empty, I'm going to bring it home and keep it!" "It's shiny, and you know I like shiny things!" Gotta laugh... :o)
REALITY CHECK! on Monday...
Earlier this week was a bit touchy. Monday, we got confirmation, yet again, that David's illness is not a figment of imagination or mistaken diagnosis. Sometimes when everythign is going well, you still get the fleeting thought, that maybe it's all in our minds, and he's really ok. How could such behavior really be his reality?????
He forgot to take his medication Monday morning, and I did not realize it until 3om.
I had planned to take the boys swimming before Dalton had to go back to school today, but Dalton has not had a BM in a week, and has not gone in the toilet since before then! He is full and leaking in his pants... constantly. :o( Darn it! I could not get him to go. I was in a rough mood as had a computer glitch on my book, but I got it fixed, and the boys were at each other's throats. Constant provocation, but neither would accpet responsibility for being provocative.... David's quote: "I'm not doing anything! Dalton is bothering me!"
I did not make the best choices in interaction methods with David in the car, and had to return home before we got to the pool. he melted into a sceraming, paranoid, delusional, meltdown in the back seat of the car. Cursing, crying, etc....
He did pull together later in the evening, and did well. He and Dalton stayed home while Gene and I traded in our car for a van. We now have a vehicle with separate rows of seats for the boys if need be!!!! Yippie!!! and lowered our payment.
Yesterday I tok the boys to lunch and we went to the driving range and hit a couple buckets of balls. Then Dalton had a "pitch in" at his soap box race... Over all we had a good evening.
Gene and I both went back on our antidepressants this morning. We had dropped the doses on each to 1/2 about a 6 weeks ago, and stopped altogether 2 weeks ago. We are both feelign more stressed and it is not good for us or the kids, so back on the half dose and see what happens....
Life is good,...
God is good...
My kids are good...
and all is good in the world...
Today is a new day and a clean slate. I hope school goes well for Dalton, he did take a long bath this am, and took a Poo in the potty before school! Thank God!
God Bless you all.
BettyJo
-------------------------------------
Angry home� (written Monday)
Desert winds drive deathly desperation
Flooding breaths with blistered, briny blaze
Cauterizing hope and health, with hatred
Subjugating worth to wretchedness
Trapped within the telltale lock caught turning
Riveted, unable to redress
Fearful of the fiery inferno
Blinded she is bound beneath her breast
Weary of the constant churning chaos
Quaking under urgent ulcerous qualm
Callous chamber, cavernous, consuming
Life and loving, lifted from her lungs
�till she lies withered here�
in shriven stone.
---------------------------------
I live a twisted life, from where there is a view
unusually different, and wonder if I knew
what God had planned for me, if I would e'er have made
decisions that were chosen, or walked another glade?
It has been a couple weeks since I was able tot ake the time to update on the Hilger home. Life is good, my kids are good, my hubby is good, God is so good, to me...
In the past few weeks, we have been very busy. My parent's visit went very well. My father enjoyed the boys, and David expecially enjoyed my father! They went on several walks together and got to have guy talk, grandfather to grandson, and vs. versa. David ate up the attention, and Dad enjoyed being the center of attention. LOL
At one point during their time here, Dad told me that we seemed to be much more peaceful this year compared to last. You can say that again! David is stable, and doing well. Dalton is a bit hyper and anxious, but also doing well. They are both getting along a good portion of the time, and this makes home life much sweeter. David is doing so well, that at our last therapy appointment, we determined that we would not schedule another appointment at this time. We will leave it indefinitely unless a problem should arise.
David has had his friend David (Sully) over most weekends. he has been showing up on Fridays and leaving on Mondays! LOL Our unofficial adoptee! We told his mother if he stays any longer, we'll start charging child support! Not really, but he is a good kid. Kind of between my two. Sully suffers Tourettes and anxiety/depression. We've gone Canoeing and tubing again the past couple weekends and all the kids did well. Cheerful and no blowouts! I think this has been one of the most peaceful summers we have had in several years.
Dalton is doing great. He is doing soapbox derby racing in a program for disabled kids, and loving it. He is getting ready to have a golf tournament with Special olympics, and Bowling starts next month with the Spec. Olympics. We've all been enjoying the free movies in town and $1.00/game bowling. It is nice to do family things and have everyone be able to enjoy without fighting.
This week, we found out that David did pass the GED, with flying colors. Minimum average score to pass was 450, he averaged 518. Minimum score in any one area was 410, his lowest schore was 430, and he scored in the 82nd percentile in math!!!!! I took him today to enroll in community college. Gene's bonus is gone, but it is official, he is enrolled to take 9 hours this semester! Three months ago, when he was in the hospital, I never thought he would be doing this well, this quickly.
We've been talking to David about his strengths and weaknesses. he is a very concrete thinker, very black and white. he has been talking about computer repair as a filed of study. We've been explaining that there is not a great job market there anymore, that computers is better served by programming, and he simply does not do well with creative thinking and flexibility. Business, and accounting, specifically, is very concrete, and this is a field he used to toalk about before his illness was so pronounced. David commented that:
"WOW! That is something I wanted to do before, and didn't think I could do anymore!" Life is good!!!
I hope everyone is having a blessed day.
God Bless,
"there is always a light, no matter how dim, if only we seek to find it"
------------------------------------------
Belonging�
In the early days of time, when I was very small
I remember looking at the pictures on the wall
All the smiling faces, all the fancy clothes
Wondering who they were, and if I had their nose
I remember running to the arms of relatives
Welcoming with kisses, just like everybody did
Shouting words of greeting, laughing at the sight
Of many feet approaching, every child�s delight
Safe within my world and confident of love
I never knew the difference and had no fear to move
Secure in my position, assured of their support
I grasped the tails of life, trusting in my court
To lend a helping hand, whene�er I had the need
And always stand behind me, for they were family
-----------------------------------
Hope�
I watch him playing from across the space
Interacting with a grand delight
And lose myself in memory of days, not long ago
When this was but a dream I didn�t see
And he plays on
Oblivious
To my wonder
I listen to the laughter that comes ringing
Carried on the shadow of the wind
A sound, not only his, but that of other children too
Angelic sounds of heaven, sent to me
And he plays on
Oblivious
To my tears
I feel each passing glance they interchange
Words and smiles, a transitory gift
A blissful joyful aptitude for friendship giv�n and earned
Landing on my soul, quite like a kiss
And he plays on
Oblivious
To my elation
I close my eyes and dare to fantasize
Raising gratitude to heavens gate
And lift a prayer of praise: How far he�s come, from where he�s been,
From when his soul was drowning in despair!
And he plays on
Oblivious
In his joy
---------------------------------------------
Treasure Attained�
Bright eyes are the prize that I�ve been searching for
Shining light, illuminating me
Beaming rays of cleansing grace and empathy
At last, achieving what was meant to be
It wasn�t long ago when life was an abyss
An impossibility to scale
When faith and hope were stretched beyond capacity
Breaking fragile bonds, as loving failed
But struggling, persistently, we fought to win
This battle which you could not comprehend
When blackened days were dark and full of tragedy
Where the light seemed destined just to end
As time intruded into days of dazzling dreams
When sunshine started to surpass the night
For each step forward, only half were contrary
And pain would fade away without a fight
Where gentle winds have blown all shadows from your mind
Clearing views to future hope, unchained
Eventually, the clarity�s� reality
Banished blackness from your window panes
---------------------------------------
Small things�
A phone rings in the distance
and I hear an answer soft
Spoken in a voice highlighted
by a resonant inflection
With waves which rise and fall,
belike a melody
Whispering gently
as it lands upon my ears
I hear a chuckle, rumbling low,
hidden underneath his breath
Unspoken, yet powerful,
his inner soul blazing with the sound
Powerful evocation,
reminiscent of days past
When happiness was the norm
and sadness, seldom viewed
Lingering, an eavesdropper,
I�m witness to a fabulous event
Listening to a conversation,
which ebbs and flows,
gives and takes
Murmurings of insignificance,
communicating awe
Like rain upon a desert land,
reviving life back into desolation
Simple things which normalcy
would seem to disavow
Tiny things, petite and small,
without a history
�Who would know?�
Yet to this mother�s heart,
the echoes from across the room
Reverberate,
louder than a piercing horn,
presenting me with joy
----------------------------------------
Repentance�
Growing pains, memories,
Remembered smiles, traumatic tears
Little things, passing words,
Pictures drawn, whispered prayers
When we were small, small things were large
Dialogue, more than chance
Clung like skin to reality
Meaning more than clarity
Fleeting words, between worlds
Adult conceptions changing life
Bit by bit, piece by piece
One thought at a time, unbeknown
Time flies by on wings of hope
Momentary as the breath of clouds
Floating by on Zephyrus dreams
Darkly through the pain of growth
Creaking bones, chilling thoughts
Callous deeds, selfish plans
Regrets remain behind for life
Recollecting history
There is no cure for pain-filled pasts
Self-inflicted on our friends
Family accepting even so
In spite of actions, often low
Justice fails our innocence
There�s no revision tolerable
That could repay the sting e�er caused
The sentence here should be but loss
Yet, He was sent to pay the fee
To perform the edict
To cover the sorrow
Deliverance from consequence
------------------------------------------
Runaway�
He woke in the night to a silent house
Not a sound was heard but soft breathing
He did not feel safe
Who were these people?
Where was home?
His tummy hurt, it growled softly
Hungry
He wandered into the kitchen
On the table there was a plate of cookies
Made by his new Mommy
Lots of cookies�
His heart felt empty
So, he ate them all, except one
Maybe if he left one, she would not know
He wandered the silent house, searching
What was he searching for?
Who?
He felt lost
Finally he lay down in the middle of the floor
Clutching his Twinkle blankie that Becky gave him
Sucking his Tweety binky
His heart full of tears which could not fall
His heart, jailed, imprisoned by fear
He cried himself to sleep�
------------------------
Another night, he woke again
His new Mommy could not stay awake
She could not see all
He wasn�t safe
He had to hide
Wandering again, he opened drawers
In his new brother�s room
Knives, lighters, money, games
His brother liked legos and Game boy
Unaware, the items ended up in his pocket
And placed under his bed
No one could find them there
Mommy had a shiny watch, very pretty
She had money on the table
He would keep it safe for her
So he picked it up and carried these things to his room
And placed them under his bed
For safekeeping�
His heart felt empty
He did not know what for
But he would try to fill the empty space
With pilfered trinkets hidden in his secret treasure
Underneath his bed
For security�
For love�
Finally, he collapsed in mid-wandering
And slept where he lay outside his Mommy�s door
Clutching his White Bear and his Twinkle blankie
Sucking on his Tweety binky�
------------------------
Each night seemed an extension of the fearful day before
His soul contained an empty space
Which nothing seemed to fill
�I want my Mommy�
Echoed through his mind
Screaming, wailing, crying every night
�I want to go back�
�I want Becky�
�Leave me alone�
�Don�t touch me�
I want my other Mommy�
�Not you�
And my heart shattered into a million bits
Fallen on the floor, beside his
And wept
I held him to my chest as he screamed, bit, and fought
I sang love songs over his agony
We rocked, locked in an embrace of battle
As I tried to comfort the unbelievable burden
Of his grief
Until he eventually collapsed
Exhausted into sleep�
------------------------
Another night�
I lay on a cot out side his door as he raged
He climbed the shelves and the furniture in his room
Seeking escape from his hurt
Seeking asylum from my heart
Seeking relief from the fear
Of love
Love hurts�
I had tried to hold him
I had tried to love him
I had tried to sing
I had tried to help
But he could not accept comfort
And he screamed
Faces glared from his mind
Loved ones walked away
Deserting him, abandoning, leaving him alone
It was going to happen again
It was just a matter of time�
And, eventually, I fell asleep
The salt drying on my face and burning my heart
While he huddled in a corner, underneath his bed
Where his stolen treasure lay
Seeking to fill the empty space
------------------------
Repeated pattern�
The nights were blending into days
Where did they begin and end?
When would there be a break?
I struggled to hang on to hope for him, for us, for me
But my grasp was slipping.
I could not stay awake for him as the hours slipped away
And in the early morning light
Panic flooded over my soul as I was unable to find him
Room by room, floor by floor�
Basement, garage, shed, backyard�
Closet, car�
Finally, to spy him playing in the neighbor�s drive
Cheerful and affectionate, smiling
And my fear exploded
I could not keep him safe
I could not see all
He would not let me fill his soul
And as he hid from me
I became convinced that I could not help him alone
Maybe not at all�
I made the call to the therapist
We found a bed
And I left him all alone just like all those before me
Just like he knew I would
Just like he told me so
Behind locked doors, with strangers and pills�
My heart shattered, another time
Into millions of broken bits
As, blinded by my tears, I drove away
He was only four years old�
------------------------------------------
Cookies�
Luscious hills lay scattered with mounds of melted minds
Fallen from their cages and flowering, free form
Where casting off life�s prison, boundaries disappear
Pulsing power plunging forth into the great beyond
Silent watchers witness in wonder at the sight
Impatiently, with awe filled fascination
Enviously waiting and struggling for breath
Jealous eyes engage, beginning salivation
Savage scenes o�erwhelm the subtle slippered stalker
As aromatic message wafts woven with wind
Temperatures have risen to great intensity
Cavalierly causing emissions to extend
Rumbling rivers roil imperceptible to view
Vortex� eddies churning, with every passing sniff
Desire streams unrestrained, an agony of bliss
Ecstasy takes over, bestowing hunger�s kiss.
-----------------------------------------
When we were young, so long ago, and days were bright and gay
When sunbeams crowned our golden heads, and sorrows flew away
When angels seemed to whistle tunes, blowing in the breezes
When grown-ups stopped to catch a glimpse, wishing they could be us
We unaware, of their staring, simply played our hearts out
Blissful in our ignorance, we lay beneath the glee spout
Where joy seemed inexhaustible, and happiness was free
When the whole purpose of our lives, was simply just to be
----------------------------------------------
Lost Innocence
In the beginning there was beauty
Soft melodies drifting over breath
Glistening eddies rippling with emotion
Scented views banishing regret
Beams of light borne by angelic envoys
Held in feathered grasp, a treasured force
Bubbling joy riding over wavelets
Quiescent in the path of river�s course
Where peace reigning supreme o�er worlds, sublime
Showed no hesitation on its face
And glorious visions covered passion�s chance
For sorrow had no bed within this place
When humankind stepped to the wishing well
Thinking we could improve on Heaven
Began instead a hypnotizing spell
Fixed upon providing us a lesson
Loveliness has given way to dark
Seeking refuge far behind the scene
Hidden safely from marauding foes
Only to be found within our dreams
---------------------------------------------
Letting go�
In the still of the night, when the crickets sing of death
The final doze for troubled times, a smothering last breath
I can drift away in solitude, and pray
In the quietness of dark, when raised voices bow to snores
The exhaustion of my spirit, o�erwhelms my every pore
I can float on sorrows� waterway, and cry
In reflections of the moon, when the world has gone to sleep
The luminescent cleansing glow brings peace for me to keep
I can close the pages, on a painful day
In the privacy of dusk, when attaining peaceful rest
The heavenly starlight of God�s touch lets me know I�m blessed
I can stop my worry, trusting him to pay
The price of my forgiveness�
------------------------------------------
Firefly�
Under dark skies, the fields echo
with ringing screams of laughter
carried on the wind
Bare feet race swiftly
over tufted clumps of grass,
itchy soft, brushing �gainst lithe legs
Cloudless skies hang above
soft silken heads, umbrella-like
protecting them from fear
Silent wings brush dreamy eyes,
catching at the edges of their gaze,
a taunting view
Flashes glow faint, then brighter
as fairy dust flies past
their outstretched grasp, to freedom
Giggling, an angel stops,
seemingly to rest patiently, mistakenly
to be perceived inert
The flashy sprite may land, oblivious,
only to be caught, captive,
within the grip of tiny hands
--------------------------------------------
Poignancy�
Memories of yesteryear call from afar
drawing me back into paths of time
which traveled then, I thought were put behind me,
yet, find my footsteps voyaging again.
To pretty days when youth still bloomed upon
my lips, and dreams were growing wild, unpruned,
when knowledge had, not yet, had time to dim
the unrestrained display of innocence.
To afternoons filled with a future�s goal
to simply run and play until the night,
when falling down, at last, upon the green
could find no better place to lie and rest.
And laughter was the only sound I�d hear
come ringing in the wind to other souls,
announcing the next days� itinerary
scheduling a life in fun and sport.
When weeks would pass without a fleeting thought
of growing up, one day, and finding life
had changed to an abraded parking lot
of tiredness, exhausting happiness.
When months would become years, and I was grown,
mature and full of conscientiousness,
forgetting how to take the time to play,
and saddled by a servitude to stress.
I often see my children looking on
the lack of beaming shown upon my face
and wondering, how was it possible,
that I could ever, truly, have been fresh?
-----------------------------------------
Renaissance�
I listened to the sighing of the wind
Following the path of least resistance
Bursting at the seams with resignation
Regarding debts accrued, still yet unpaid
Apparent gracefulness belied the truth
That all is never calm as it may seem
For underneath the sweetly simple breath
Blew corridors through angry rushing streams
And buffeted by storms throughout the night
Ostensibly defeated at the dawn
The power of her whispers lay in shreds
Remaining tatters whimpering alone
However, as the sun refilled her soul
With gleaming waves of verve upon her wings
Ascending to the challenge born anew
Echoing, once more, I heard her sing
----------------------------
Lost and Found�
Have you ever been lost?
Who pays the price?
What is your cost?
Where is the key?
Once I was lost,
buried inside
a dark distant place
where evil resides
longing for grace
I struggled with my paltry power
to escape this Hellish state
boundless in it's cruel intent
excluding all benevolence
Each day I woke,
within my heart...
My spirit lay dead to the world
and fear controlled my universe
I hid behind my lies...
Streams of tears fell down my face
flooding helpless tortured ground
though screaming filled my feeble place
the silent anguish made no sound
I never prayed to God, for I was angry
My life a mess, I blamed him for my grief
He sent me tests, to give me strength to measure
my fickle unreliability
I thought that I had everything, under my control
I needed no one
and, so claimed my soul,
as mine alone
Have you ever been lost?
Who pays the price?
What is your cost?
Where is the key?
I lost myself,
buried far within
a deep dark lonely place of my creation
where a smile never crossed my face
and sadness overwhelmed my fine sensations
Then...
One day a strange and kindly man
approached me, asking
Do you ever pray?
I answered,
No, I'm living, day to day
traveling the path of my design.
When this gentle man had left my trail
I began to ask myself, inside,
Where is the meaning of my life to live?
Why should I remain and not be dead?
and gratefully, though with trepidation,
I decided I would bow my head
in supplication...
My life began to change each passing day
the light began to glow within my heart
sinking roots deep into my being
my mind, and soul had found another start
Embedded in the darkest secret caverns
his light began illuminating me
and handing over reins to my commander
I began my walk with heaven's king
I have been found...
There is no cost...
I pay no price...
He is the key...
------------------------------------
Forgiveness�
When the day is gone and the night has come
When the light has fled to another home
I can sit and dream and can ruminate
On the tasks achieved and on errors made
As the moonlight glows and the starlight shines
When the soft wind blows in the dead of night
I can fly away on the wings of sleep
To a distant land where the angels weep
Healing tears of love that will cleanse my hurt
And replace my cries with a song of birth
Of the dove of peace sitting on his throne
Clearing all my sins as though never done
-----------------------------------------
Two planks of wood
Two planks of wood scarred and hideous
Tainted with my past, are my only hope
Two planks of wood, which were pierced in blood
Held my deception, hidden from no one
Two planks of wood purchased with his pain
Specified by love given, undeserved
Two planks of wood stood alone in me
Built within my hear, yet I did not see
Two planks of wood trampled underfoot
I have spit upon, insignificant
Two planks of wood are my only hope
When I realized, I knelt wholly broke
Two planks of wood should have been my fate
But he paid the price, and he took my place
Two planks of wood lay fore�er engraved
Deep within my soul, and received thru grace