The Joy of Madness

Ay, The Apocolypse

Yeah that is all I hear about in my client's church. All hellfire and damnation. Such a turnoff. Yes the pastor says we will perish in the time of the second coming. Oh but the church will be spared. He never quite explained what the signs of the second coming are. At least not in a specific way. Yeah I'm a little jaded in this regard; but he has said the same thing for three weeks now. I am Bible illiterate and so it is not my idea of a good time. He doesn't believe in global warming. He thinks environmentalists need to find a new line of work. He says that the earth will die and so why even try to protect it. Either your down with Jesus or your not right. Torture city.

I went shopping for a gift for my nighbor for the $5 gift exchange we are having. We drew names. I got him some toiletries that are travel size. I know that is kind of a lame gift; but what can you buy for five bucks these days. I bought a nice scarf and a pair of earrings and I can't decide which one to give a good friend that I will be seeing on Christmas. I might ask whether she wears small earrings or large ones.

So last week a neighbor who has become a good friend came by to say hi and I invited her to dinner. She was feeling really down. I love to cook for people because that makes them happy. I made italian breaded baked chicken, asparagus with garlic and rice. Then we had a little banana bread that I had made. We had such a warm time and I made both my roommate and my good friend happy. I was cheered up too.

I went to this store called Big Lots and bought a bunch of ridiculous stuff. I got some thick soft socks that are really supposed to be house socks; but I am wearing them with my shoes.

Last Thursday I met a friend at the dollar tree and we bought a few things for Christmas decorations. That was fun. I got a cd of music to relax to and glitter glue in red, green, and red. I was thinking of decorating some jars in that stuff and filling the jars with cookies or whatever. I have been doing a lot of shopping lately and will only have $200 until the 28th. Then I get paid again.

The other day I went to Pier One and got some delicous smelling incense. I bought two packs. Then I went to a drug store and got a beautiful hair clip with white and powder blue rinestones. I also went to a really great grocery store that is not in my neighborhood and got some healthy food. I also bought some dark chocolate covered espresso beans and some espresso coffee. Yum Yum!

I decided to go back to my therapist although I disagreed with her alliance with the staff at this independent living program about the methods used to do the recent urinanalysis. She gave me a reccomendation to try to hold off on meeting new men until after the holidays because I am too sensitive right now due to the holidays. And you know what that is an excellent idea.

Right now I am listening to a Christmas cd called World Christmas. It has typical Chirstmas carols in languages other than English or different styles than we are used to hearing. I am sitting with a sun lamp staring me in the face so that maybe I will get some more energy. I have been sleeping a good 11 hours a night. I wake up and it still takes me three big cups of espresso to come out of the medical induced coma. I hope that as I taper off of some of my Abilify that I won't appear to be in a stupor anymore.

On the way to church on yesterday the van stopped to pick a mother and her two chidren and I sat next to her daughter. The little girl was probably three or four and was cute as a button. She has down syndrome and isn't verbal yet. We were communicating though. She pointed to my wrap and I said yeah it is soft isn't it. She nodded. Then I lifted my scarf so she could feel it and she loved it and held it to her face to feel it. She looked like she wanted to sleep with it on her. I told her I liked her shoes and she wanted to look at mine. I held up my foot for her to see. Then when it was time for my client and I to get out I patted her shoulder and told her to have a good day. She waved goodbye to me. That really was a nice experience.

I kind of want to buy a new camera so that I can take a photo class; but the one I need is $400. See they reccomend a digital camera with single lense reflex. So when I get my renters rebate I will have $300. I got a Christmas bonus from work which was a $50 American Express gift certificate and a gift card to Albertson's grocery store as well as a gift card for Target. Wow I hadn't expected that! So anyhow if I only have to spend $50 of my own cash to get a nice camera I'd be thrilled.

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house...

Yesterday my roomate and I received a small miracle. We were at our regular Tuesday meeting inside the community room (since it was cold and windy)and there was a Christmas tree sitting there which was taking up too much space. So they were discussing whether to put it outside or whatever and I said I'd take it. So low and behold no one else wanted it so my roomate have a $70 Christmas tree in the window in our living room. Then a neighbor came over and gave us a whole bunch of ornaments and lights that someone had left in his apartment. He even brought over a star that lights up for the top. It is funny how a small thing can bring so much excitement.

I went to work Saturday and my client sent me to the market to buy her some cleaning products. So when I came back I did a whole lot of cleaning. That morning I did her laundry. On Sunday we had quite an adventure at her church. She uses a wheelchair and we are driven by a paratransit van to and from places. Well the van home didn't find us and we were stranded at her church. She was very pissed off and told them that she wouldn't wait two more hours for another van to come for us. She told them that she would find another way home. The only thing was that she didn't have that impression after she hung up with them. She thought that they would be there at three. Anyway we waited then I finally called and they said she had cancelled the van. So I pushed her until we reached a place where she could eat. Then we caught two buses home. All total we took two hours getting back to her house. But as soon as we walked into her house it was five and it was time for me to go home.

Guess what I am so stoked. I actually was given a grant to go to UCLA extension this winter. I think my class starts in the beginning of January. It is a class in Screenwriting. Wow I really can't wait. I have to look up the class to see what time it meets.

I am going to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with a friend who doesn't have any family to spend Christmas with. She displayed interest in going to the Holiday performance downtown at the theater center. It is on Christmas Eve. On the day of Christmas we will go eat somewhere.

I went to borders books and got a book with designs in it to help me make crafts and art. I also bought a book on earth angels by Doreen Virtue and a really cute pink journal which is spiral bound. I think it helps me to have a pretty journal to write in.

My next movie to watch is Mad Hot Ballroom. I will probably watch it today and make enchiladas.

Take it easy or not at all.

Petunia Pickle Bottom

That is the name of a designer which is on the red silk Japanese print backpack I bought recently. It is so pretty! The designer name reminds me of a children's book title.

I am disallusioned today for some reason. I find myslfe quite sad. I know one factor is that my mom univited me for New Years Eve. She said I should come the weekend that my sisters will be off work in January. I don't have the time or the energy to go there for three days. Also, I work on the weekends. She is not taking this into consideration. She wrote me last Wednesday and I have not nor will I respond to her. It is such a slight that I won't bother with it. She also mentioned that she would only pay for half of the plane ticket and I can't afford to pay half. Screw her! I am actually very angry today. I guess it started after there wasn't enough hot water to wash my hair in my shower. Oh poor me right? But it was all down hill from there.

I feel ripped off in terms of my family. They are inaccessable. Every night I cry myself to sleep. I am torn apart. I see my dr. tomorrow and she will boost my Lexapro I am sure. The thing is she can't fix my life. I don't want to see my therapist anymore because she really did not go to bat for me about the incident where they told us that we must pee in front of them. Insanity rules this situation I live in. I feel kind of powerless.

I went to UCLA on Friday in a downpour to apply for the grant I need to be able to study at their extension. I chose screenwriting and I also chose photography as an alternative. I would have to put out some money for photography since my camera was stolen and I need to have a manually focusing camera to take the class. It includes darkroom work. I have taken photography in the past and I am very good at it. One time I had an assignment to shoot movement and one photo I shot was of a cigarette flushing down a toilet.

I guess I will go soak in the bathtub now.

Cup O' Pee

Today they said pee in a cup
test for drugs
lab in a box
the door
you don't lock
she said
I have to watch
as the urine flows into the cup
she said
you must do as we say

Terror Horror
flew into rage
trauma
memories of childhood
Heather, spread your legs
so I can check
what is between there

Privacy doesn't matter
you are reduced to an animal

Heather don't wear so much clothing to sleep in
or I will take it off of you by force
ALARM
footsteps approach
the door
I am attempting to sleep
but the nightmare
walks in and a physical struggle ensues

If I had had a gun

So this nazi bitch
social worker
says spread it and pee
I want to see
she sets me back
20 years of therapy
but I deserve safety

I am homeless
this action was a travesty

Do you see what I see?

I see Hypocracy.

I smell a scandal.

Squash Casserole For The Masses

I made squash casserole tonight for dinner. It is a huge amount! Anyone wanna come over to share it? If you want the recipe hit me up.

I went to the feast at this other building nearby and it was kind of fun and the food was quite yummy. I got a full plate and then I took a piece of cherry pie home for dessert. Then on Wednesday I went to the clubhouse for their little dinner and saw a few old friends. Thursday my friend Tish invited me to her family's dinner. I had to get up early and get to her house about an hour away and then we were driven by her nieces to their house in The San Bernadino Mountains. It is an hour and a half away from here. So we watched Medea's Family Reunion and I really enjoyed it. We also watched some silly Christmas movie where the guy keeps reliving Christmas day with his ex inlaws. So I had a great time there. I would have been really sad if I had had to spend my day alone.

On Friday I went to get my livescan done for my job (fingerprints). Then I went to see a friend and we went to a store near her house she calls Paris and we had Armenian mushroom pizza and some chocolate mousse cake. Then I met a guy I had met online and it did not go well. He wanted to move much too fast for me. That part really brought me down. I will not be seeing him again.

I went to work on Saturday and did my client's laundry and some cleaning. In the afternoon after everything was done I watched Stranger Than Fiction. I think that is the name. It stars Will Farrell, Dustin Hoffman, Queen Latifah, and Emma Thompson. I loved it! It was so funny! I know I'm a little slow on the uptake seeing it now; but I have wanted to see it since last year when it came out. But there were certain movies I didn't get to see because I was in the hospital.

I am applying for housing in Hollywood. There are some buildings there for disabled people and I might be able to get permanent housing that way. I might only get a studio though. I faxed an application to one today and will go apply in person to another agency tomorrow. I guess I am going to bite the bullet and leave the area where I have resided for twenty-two years now. Hollywood is only a mountain away from my friends though.

Shame Shame Shame on me for buying a whole pumpkin pie all for me. Ok I will eat it slowly. I have already had it for one week.

Oh yeah, how could I forget? I went to church with my client last weekend and the pastor said the exact same thing as the last time we went. It turned my stomach too. It was about the rapture and you know the second coming of Christ and he spoke about the theory that we are supposed to accept as fact where everyone except for Christians are going to be killed. He especially kept referring to Jews who don't convert. He kept saying that people who do not accept Christ will perish. He believes that there will be another holocaust. He found many references to these ideas in The Bible. I was ready to barf after an hour or so of this talk. I don't like her church.

So I started thinking of looking into my Jewish side and going to Temple. I mean honestly there must be another way to worship God. I have never been to Temple; but I could start.

I decided to go to Texas to visit my folks on New Years Eve. I want to go on Monday and return on Friday so that I can go to work on Saturday.

I will get a half a day off on Saturday or Sunday this week because my client will celebrate her birthday at Disneyland. I will enjoy my day off. Maybe it will be on Sunday and I can go shopping with a friend.

Otra Vez y Otra Vez

Here I go again spouting off.

Today is Monday and mostly I am just resting after having worked over the weekend. I received my first paycheck on Friday and haven't spent that much yet. I was paid for three days and next time I will be paid for four days. A good deal of my time spent at work is just down time and I watch t.v. I get squirmy with that after an hour or two. On Saturday my client wanted to go recycle her goods and so I pushed her wheelchair with one hand and pulled the cart with the trash behind me. It was a very rediculous sight to see. I kept swerving her chair and I would have to stop and reposition her and let the cart fall behind. Saturday I cleaned her house pretty thoroughly and did her laundry. Sunday she sent me to buy her Taco Bell. I had to take a bus and then walk a mile to reach it. I got a couple of nice compliments on the way though. I got a compliment on my sweater cape and then on my lipstick. I enjoyed being out in the sunshine yesterday because she keeps her apartment dark and doesn't really open the blinds. Sunday there was less to do so I watched 3-4 hours of t.v. I had brought the dvd of Oh Brother Where Art Though and tried to get her to watch it with me; but she didn't seem very interested. I think next weekend I will try to bring books and magazines. Also, I would really like to take my radio with headphones.

The new meeting for people with bipolar never happned because the leader resigned. I am very disappointed and hope that someone will come through and take over.

I am listening to the soundtrack of Almost Famous because I guess I put it on when I am down. I was looking for Fatboy Slim; but came across this and felt it matched my mood better. I have been lying about Thanksgiving when people ask me who I am going to spend it with. I act like I have somewhere to go or whatever but I don't. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a potluck down the street;but I won't know all the people there. I will go to smart and final in the morning and purchase some frozen mixed fruit and let it thaw. They have big bags of peaches, mangos,honeydew, etc. I think that eventhough for the most part I want to bow out of this I should go because otherwise I won't have any turkey this year.

I colored my hair cherry red and I look quite fabulous. I have gotten rave revues of my hair lately. My hair was auburn when I was younger. I am finally beginning to see a glimmer of hope for my appearance again.

Seasonally Strained Strangely Sane

So as the the world turns the seasons have changed and I have begun to feel the blues again. Just about a year ago I was still locked up at metropolitan hospital catching only glimpses of sunshine and dancing on the patio every chance I got. I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital too. This year is a hard because I have no one to spend the holidays with. I know I said that before; but I can't shake the dread of that realization.

My friends are beginning to get the blues too. This is a hard time. Maybe I will get some poetry out soon or hey maybe even a semblance of some story.

I wrote to a guy on craigslist and I liked his photo and he liked mine. The problem was that he is a model and I just got cold feet. I didn't feel adequate. So I am letting this opportunity go.

I am going to visit an old friend tomorrow. She is the one who lives in a board and care. I think it will be fun. It is just that at night I get kind of low on my mood and I can't stand the loneliness.

I turned in a sour survey at my m.h. clinic and wrote duh! when they asked if you had enough money to do fun things. I realized how depressing my life is when it asked if I see family or friends often. (Like every week) It seems that these days it is rare for me to get to see my friends.

They just played run dmc on the radio. It has been so long since I heard that song. That was really nice. I like that song that goes my addidas on the basketball court!

Tropical, Topical, Trampy and Treacherous

I went to the Central Library in downtown and had a blast. I took a bus to get over the hill by UCLA and then took a very slow bus down Wilshire Blvd. It seemed to take forever and indeed took two hours by the time I reached the library. I stumbled into the room where they have all the stuff like religon, history,and social science. I was looking for a book on Doreen Virtue; but couldn't find one. She writes books about angels. I got a book written by prominant women on spirituality. I then went to the art room where they had books on art and how to make art. I got a book on how to do leather crafts and another on how to make gourd crafts. I also got a book on making fancy jars for giving gifts like homemade cookies or jars full of all the ingredients you would need to make cookies. They have lots of recipes for different drink mixes you can create to make things like cafe mocha from sratch.

I started my new job on Saturday and it was rather laid back. I went in and she said the only thing needing taken care of was her laundry. I managed to find a few other things to do too. I cooked her lunch which was an egg salad sandwich. She cooked some onions and celery to add to the eggs since she doesn't like onions unless they are cooked. Sunday we went to her church. She knows a lot of people at her church and is very sociable. We got back to her house around 2p.m. I fixed her linguine with alfredo and beef sauce. She didn't have anything else that needed done after the dishes so I watched a video I had brought with me. I finally watched Ten Items or Less. It is really funny and sweet. I think there will be lots of dead time on this job. I hope that she has the energy to go out more often though. Because she hadn't received her money from her payee yet she didn't really have cleaning products and she was out of some food items.

Tomorrow I am going to Venice Beach with a group at a clubhouse near me. They are going to shop at the alley this week too. The Alley is a place in the garment district where you can get really good deals on clothes and other things. I might go but I will have to be on a budget. I will be paid on November 16th. I want to go to L.A. County Museum of art on November 13th because it is free that day. They have an exhibit of Salvador Dahli. I need to get over to UCLA extension to apply for my grant so that I can attend in Winter.

I applied for a college in New Jersey called Thomas Edison State College. I haven't heard back from them. I applied for financial aid and I have a expected family contribution of about $1,700. I guess that that is per year I don't know. Anyway the costs for this school are around $6,000 per year. I will probably be able to finish within a year and a half. Oh you take these courses online or through correspondence. I might be able to test out of certain courses which would allow me to finish faster. I want to major in Social Services for Special Populations. It sounds interesting and very much alligned with the types of jobs I have held in the past.

My friend and I went to a little Armenian shop near her house and got these little pizza type things with mushrooms and they were so good. They only cost 80 cents apiece. I bought some bread there that is like a sweet corn bread. We took photos of one another in front of this pretty fountain they have on the patio there and drank iced coffee. We pretended we were in Paris. Then we went next door to a clothing store and it was amazing. Before we went in my friend said "Let's see what their idea of fashion is." It was so much fun! I got a pink belt with rinestones on the buckle for 5 dollars. I also bought a $30 sweater cape. It is red with red and black fringe. I am so happy with it.

I have to get to my laundry. I have at least 3 loads to do. I actually have forgotten what my clothes look like.

Test Patterns and Jackolanterns

So I thought I might have a Halloween party; but I changed my mind because I couldn't afford it. I have to provide for everything now on my own so it is a bit of an adjustment. I am not crying about it though because lord knows I should be self-sufficient by now. Maybe with my new job I can afford to give a Christmas party. I love holiday parties. I can burn some scented oil and make the house smell great and decorate with pinecones and swags from pine trees. I also could wrap the staircase in ribbons and bells. So I can't wait to give another party.

I went to get oriented at my new job today. It was really straight forward and my client explained her needs and the duties of the job which include giving her her medicine, cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and accompanying her on her trips into the community. She is saving up for a computer and I told her that she can go to the library to use the internet for free until she gets her own computer. I just had an idea that there might be grants for people with disabilities to get computers. If not then maybe there is someone who would donate a computer to her. I might try that on Craigslist. She said she loves to go to the mall to shop for Christmas gifts.

I finally received an application and job bulletin from an agency near me that works with people with autism and other developmental disabilities. I browsed the bulletin and found a position I want to apply for. It is only 9 hours per week and the days are Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. So I guess it would be between 3-6 p.m. or something like that. Then if I got the job I would have 25 hours of work per week. This agency helps pay for college tuition I believe. They actually have a job that is 35 hours a week but I already took the other 16 hr job.

I won't have anyone to eat Thanksgiving with this year so I will probably cook for myself and whatever poor soul doesn't have anywhere else to eat. I would like to spend Christmas downtown where they have this big performance all day with different people singing and dancing.

I bought the cd of Sergio Mendes songs covered by other groups called Timeless. It is so cool. I love to dance to it. Right now I have Latin Lounge by Putumayo on. I am listening to a song that goes Tu si sabes como bailar mi negra tu si que sabes como bailar mi negrita. Anyway I love it! I got some good deals on used stuff on Amazon. Of course now I have four dollars in my wallet and 200 in savings so that I can move again someday. I went to the 99 cent store today and found some big fat fresh asparagus in a rubber band. That I shall have tomorrow with my baked chicken. I will bake the bird and stuff it with some stuffing I bought at the 99. It is Pepperidge Farms. I got chicken broth for some Matzoh ball soup and some cereal like puffed rice with sugar. Sorry I'm boring you. I got excited because I only spent $8.

So I talked to one guy who kept e-mailing me after that craigslist ad I put out a month ago and he turned out to be a freak. He started talking sexy right away. He kept saying you know you know you know and yep yep yep and he said he has tattoos and calls them body art. He wanted to know if I have red panties, bra,etc and am I open minded. He says he likes to take a shower with a woman and help her bathe. Oh yeah and he kept using the f word. Lovely eh? All that in 15 minutes. Disgusting. Just another waste of my time. He was 40 going 12 I swear.

I found a new meeting to go to for Bipolar people that will be happening somewhere near me. I found them on Meetup.com. The meeting is next month. I think that that is exciting. I need to meet new people God only knows.

October 22, 2007

I had a slow weekend due to the fact that I came down with a bit of a cold.

I met this guy on craigslist and it turned out he only wants a friends with benefits situation. I told him to get lost. I met him two weeks ago and he just told me that.

I got all my paperwork squared away for i.d. purposes for this new job I should start this weekend. When I applied to get a new social security card they neglected to give me a form with my name and social security number on it so I have to go back tomorrow and ask for it. I will fax it over to the headquarters tomorrow afternoon. I signed paperwork to get put into the company payroll and learned about policies etc. I guess I will start training on the first day I work which should be Saturday. They told me that for now I will have 16 hours per week but that if I increase my hours to 30 a week that I can get benefits. I am eligible for more hours if someone is out and they need a sub.

So far what I know about my client is that she has very nice speech and she is very intelligent. She is on dialysis and so is tired a lot. She needs me to cook and clean for her and accompany her to places in the community on Access services which is a transportation service for disabled people here in Los Angeles County. I really feel like this job might be a winning situation.

I joined netflix and will get "Everything is Illuminated" (the movie)
tomorrow. I am excited that the price is very low and I have access to viewing movies on my computer instantly. Those movies that are available for play on the computer are a little more limited however.

My Grandpa is mailing a book to me that a relative wrote during the American Civil War. He said it gets gorey sometimes but that it is a good book.

There are nine days left in the month and I only have $32 left in my checking. I will have to figure out where I need to spend my money. I have money in savings and am trying to save $100 per month. It is so tempting to get into the savings though. I must save towards a new apartment. When I have saved about $2,500 I will be able to afford my deposit and some new furniture. I should be able to save $150 or $200 per month when I am earning some income.

I want to write a poem about me in relation to animals I have known in my lifetime. I have had some terrific experiences with animals over the years. I would love to have a dog or a cat; but I live in a building that doesn't allow them. I have heard that if we get a dr.'s letter we can have a companion animal for a disabled person. I have dreams where I have a pet or I see my pets that have passed away over time. I miss having a pet. We have a stray cat here that just had kittens and we have been instructed not to feed them. I am pretty sure that people are feeding them though.

This week I would really love to get to a museum, the central library and to a park to walk and see the birds.

Pea Soup

I don't like pea soup; but I kind of like the weather we are having today which is sometimes referred to as pea soup.

Today I am going to cook chicken noodle soup. I stopped on my way home and got four cans of broth so that I can make it. It should be perfect today. My roommate loves to eat my cooking. I think I should charge her a fee.

So I took the drug test for the job and now I just have to get my new i.d. and social security card so that I can begin being processed. So I have an appointment at the department of motor vehicles tomorrow at 3:30 to get a new i.d. On Wednesday I will apply for my social security card and at the same time change my name back to my maiden name.

I went to a wedding over the weekend and it was kind of fun. It was conducted in Spanish so I was translating everything in my head and trying to figure out if these were the same things said in my wedding. If nothing else, I got to get dressed up. I wanted to catch the bouquet; but we forgot to wait until the bride threw it. Pathetic huh?

We still don't know when we will have to move to a motel so that our building can be tented for termites.

In the book The Golden Vein one assignment is to write 20 things you want to manifest in your life. I can't seem to come up with 20 things. They can be spiritual, material, intellectual, artistic or whatever. This is what I want: A chair for my room, money, a scholarship to UCLA, a feeling of love and belonging in the world, to read a novel, write a play, write another poem, to live without pain, to have more energy and stamina,make new friends, to meet the man of my dreams. So I'm on my way with wishes and desires.

My significant other is a computer.

OK I picked that up off of yahoo.

I went to therapy on Thursday and it was pretty beneficial to me. I mean who doesn't like being selfish and talking about themselves while someone else listens. So she was getting paid for it; but where else can you gossip and know that it goes nowhere.

So my building has termites. Yeah so we will all be carted off to a hotel soon to stay for a little while. We have no word yet when we will be asked to vacate. I guess the food has to be wrapped up or something.

There was a murder by shot gun outside my apartment building a week ago. My neighbor saw it happen. Well actually she heard the gunshots and then saw these men stuffing this body into the trunk of a car. I guess it was dark. I'm glad no one saw her. It doesn't feel safe here anymore. The neighbors have seen many drug deals outside.

Tonight I am listening to Dead Can Dance. Now I must find Autumn things to do. No more summer concert series or Shakespeare in the Park. Ah well. I want to start doing some crafts now. I really enjoy gourd crafting.

I went to a job interview today. It is a caregiver position. They said I have to take a drug test. I don't think they can discriminate against me with the meds. I wish I didn't have to worry about such a thing. The position is 16 hours a week Saturday and Sunday only. I really hope I get it. It sounds fun.

I went to a church picnic on Saturday and it was fun. It was for my friend's church. Do you think it is kosher for churches to do outreach to the homeless in particular? Because it struck me as kind of funny that they said they did outreach to a homeless couple and then gave them food. I thought well how do you know they don't already have a religion or know God. Isn't that kind of a false idea that simply because you are homeless that you have lost your way with God? It is sort of self-righteous to assume that homeless people need more coaching than others on religion. I asked my friend if they had been given resources on where they could sleep? She said no. That is what they needed most.

On Sunday I went to my friend's house and we went to an Armenian grocery store where she treated me to some very delicious pastries. We got two and split them. We got Tiramisu and almond cake. To die for. I picked up some sweet bread, some nuts with a spicy, hard coating, golden raisens, and some Falafel mix. We started watching Little Miss Sunshine; but we couldn't finish it. I saw it before in the theater and it was really good.

Chatty Cat

I have been calling this telephone number to meet men since July and have really been meeting some interesting and weird people. I had a guy named Robert tell me on our first date that he had killed someone in a bar room brawl. He said that he had been stalked by a woman he met on the line while he was still married and hadn't yet begun his separation. He isn't the only one I met that was doing that before the divorce. That is pretty creepy if you ask me. This guy is an actor and told me he was going to be on CSI the last time we spoke. I guess a creepy guy for a creepy show.

I met a guy a couple of weeks ago named Benny who asked me too many personal questions. He wanted a little tour of my body over the phone. Freak. He asked to sleep over on the first date so I told him I didn't want to meet him.

I talked to a guy named William who said he has a girlfriend but doesn't mind talking to me on the phone because all relationships should start with friendships. I told him thank you I enjoy being runner up if this thing you are in doesn't work out. I mean duh! Strange. What planet is he living on? Oh and he talks. I mean it is really not like a conversation. It is like a silliloque. I hope I spelled that right; but don't think so. Anyhow I like a guy with a good sense of humor and who laughs. You can tell jokes but be dry as hell. I mean silly is a good thing, right? He asked me to tell him a joke and I thought of the one my friend and I made up that I have put in my blog before. How many schizophrenics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One and their imaginary friend. But as you can imagine I didn't tell that one.

I had another guy leave me a message to ask what was my most embarrasing moment and I immediately thought of once when I was in the hopsital and I was wearing a cloth gown while my clothes were in the washing machine. I was at the front of the line getting night meds and my gown opened up in front of everyone. That was all I had on. I go oh, sorry I didn't mean to flash you. I didn't even worry about thinking of a presentable story to tell him though because his personal ad mentioned some strange type of party he likes to go to and he was looking for someone to go with. I am getting tired of meeting these so-called normal people.

Ignorance is Bliss?

A motley crew we were at the clubhouse today and oblivious to the outside world. The thing about people with mental illness is that we are usually people with exceptional intelligence and there is no ignorance and therefore no bliss. See when you are manic you are possibly blissful; but most of the time on meds you are so painfully aware of your deficits according to society and aware of how you might never quite measure up. There is no ignorance about the ways that professionals consider us either high or low functioning and there is no lack of questions from family and others about what we do with our spare time. My activities are mostly frivolous and are of no value to society. So today I write with a heavy heart as I realize that I have lost so many people ths past year possibly including my ex-husband who I have been friends with since my divorce.

My called a friend last night and she said that she is in a schizophrenic episode. She said that she has been in this state since we had coffee one night probably at the beginning of September. She can't go to temple for high holy days because she is talking to herself and when she is not doing that she is having a conversation with someone in her head. She is going to take a leave of absence from work and get state disability income for a little while. She has mostly been at home for two weeks now. I feel sad that she is so ill and I don't know if her having coffee with me that night had anything to do with her setback.

I have been procrastinating about getting a job. I was considering applying for a job at a department store; but then decided yet again that this was not the job for me. Maybe I just want to be lazy. I feel a sense of guilt though in not having an occupation. I missed the cut off dates for fall classes again. I mostly feel bored with my life. My Grandmother used to say that bored people are boring people. So I'm sorry if this is all a big yawn fest.

I am reading a book on developing your psychic powers. It is teaching me how to meditate. So far it has explained how to make a sacred space and which candles to use. It gives prayers to say to protect yourself and to bless your sacred space. I am very into this book. I also got a book my Julia Cameron on creativity. I think it is called The Golden Vein.

I checked out The Breakfast Club, a movie made in the eighties, which I really fell in love with. I think it is one of my favorites.

I did get to go to the memorial service of a friend who recently passed away. It was nice. I was happy that a friend had space for me in the car. I hate not having a formal way to grieve.

I saw a couple of movies in the theater recently. I enjoyed both of them. I saw A Death at a Funeral and it was very funny. I liked one of the actors that I had seen in Station Agent. Station Agent was very good. I also saw a movie last weekend called Sea of Dreams. It was what you might call magic realism and was very interesting. It had a pleasing look to it.

Many Happy Returns

I have moved again. Now I am sharing a two bedroom townhome with someone and I am in a better location for buses and shopping. I didn't think that I would like it that much here; but it has not been bad. My roommate can be a little nosy at times but I guess I can handle it.

I applied for a job working at this clubhouse which is run by the organization where I see my shrink. I actually got the job but then they informed me that I would have to move out of this apartment if I accepted the job. Apparently they see a conflict of interest with me living in their transitional housing and working within the same agency. So I had to turn down the job. I am a little upset about it because I thought that the job was a good opportunity. I think I will continue my job search. I guess there is a maximum amount I can earn and live in this building.

I have also been considering vocational school and they have rules for my building that say you can't get any kind of student loans for school while living here. There may a way that I can get dept of rehabilitation to pay for my school. I will have to see what happens. I was thinking about studying physical therapy aide and then assistant.

My mom came into town last week and I got to see her yesterday. We had a really good time. We went to the lake and saw lots of birds including a few cranes. They were very beautiful. I saw some friends at the lake and that was nice.

A friend of mine passed away recently. He was the director of this organization that I used to work for and he and I went to Japan together in 1997. He had some kidney trouble due to medications. I won't be able to go to his memorial this Sunday though because I can't find a ride. It is taking place in a city that is hard to get to because it is very far from here.

I finally got a new shrink and she increased my Lamictal and added Lexapro which is the combination that I had last year before I stopped taking my medications. I hope that this new combo will improve my mood.

I borrowed my mom's video camera so that I can finally film this documentary on housing and people with mental illness. I have a list of questions I want to ask participants and they aren't all related to housing. I don't know exactly who to submit my film to; but I will hopefully figure it out. I want to show how we live in varying settings and we have a wide array of personalitites and dreams. If nothing more I would like to submit it to be seen by people with mental illness and also to professionals and families. The ultimate goal though would be to have it shown to the public at large perhaps on P.B.S. or something. Just thinking about this film gets me excited. I have been wanting to do this for two years.

I met a guy on the chatline and we spoke on the phone for a while and decided to meet. But then he said he wanted to meet me at my house and soon after that he started asking to sleep over. I had to call off that meeting. I met another guy at the lake one day and there just wasn't any chemistry between us. I talked to one guy on the phone for an hour or so and he explained the law of attraction to me. The law states that you draw to you what you think about or talk about all the time. If you focus your attention on you lack of money then you will draw that to you. I found this fascinating. We spoke last week; but he hasn't called me back. So I guess easy come easy go.

Notice

I went to the beach last Saturday night with my friend and her 12 year old daughte and we really had a blast. I got ice cream and my friend got a coke float. We walked on the very crowded Santa Monica pier and saw some performers doing goofy tricks for applause and tips. There was a man who could twirl three basketballs on one finger tip. On the way down to the beach we passed a Belgian Chocolate store and I noticed that they were passing out free samples of candy and my friend told me to get out and ask for some for us. She pulled over, I got out and then by the time I reached the guy; all the samples were gone. Darned the luck.

Anyway I finally gave notice that I am moving on August third. I will not get my deposit back because I have not been at my current place for six months yet. I have a lot of packing to do. The owner of my apartment is coming tonight to see if she would like to purchase my fridg and stove. I bought them; but can't take them with me. I priced movers and it costs about 70 dollars an hour with a three hour minimum. I might check one more company for comparison. I must ask a friend to drive me to buy the boxes.

I have a blind date on Friday at 3 p.m. Actually he is blind. I feel awkward about meeting him because I am afraid that there will be no chemistry. He is taking a taxi here and we are going to hang out. He lives kind of far from me and I think that that could make this a difficult relationship. He is moving soon and will be maybe a tad bit further away than he is now. We shall see. He asked me if I would go running on the beach with him and I told him that I have some weight to lose before I go running anywhere.

Last Sunday I went to The Getty Center with another friend and we ate a picnic on a hillside overlooking the garden there. Then we walked around for about three or four hours looking at everything. We had to go see this painting I love there "The Entry of Christ into Brussels" by Ensor. I find it very entertaining. It has a lot of detail and you have to pay very close attention. It has a lot of color and is almost painted like a cartoon. We went to another exhibit with a lighbulb hanging down on a wire and the lightbulb kept flickering off and on again. While we were down the hall a ways viewing the other areas of the exhibit I kept hearing some whispering very loudly. But once we were in front of the light bulb I realized that it was talking. It was whispering words and would react to the sound of whatever you would say. We were cracking up. I thought this is what mentally ill people feel like sometimes with a light bulb that talks back in a freaky little whisper.

A Story Part Three (Finale)

She checks and indeed the patient is not there.

"Her walker is there but she is not with the walker. I used to work as a nurse's aide in a convalescent hospital. I know these things."

Diana an Occupational Therapist, comes into the activity room. "I invented this game. Who wants to play?"

Billy gets up and joins a woman at the table. "I'll play. What do you do?"

"You role the dice and move your marker on the board. The you draw a card from the stack corresponding to the color that you've landed on. Sarah, you can go first." Sarah roles and moves her game peice. Then the O.T. draws a card and reads it to her.

"What can you do to stay healthy in mind and body?"

"I can do yoga and meditate."

"Good. I like yoga too. Billy now it is your turn."

Billy rolls the dice, moves his marker and draws a card, and reads it. "What is something you can do for fun, that makes you feel good and doesn't cost any money? I can have sex. That's fun."

"Well Ok." She laughs. "I guess that that is enough of my game for today."

In the t.v. room when no one is around Billy starts talking to a young woman named Rachel whois thin and has red hair and freckles. There's a Nirvana video on.

"You know that one nurse looks like Angela Davis."

"I can't stand her! I asked her for Tampax and she asked me to pull down my panties and show her I was on my period! Of course I wouldn't so she refused to give me any kind of protection! I think she thought that I get some kind of pleasure out of using Tampax!

"Really?! What a bitch! Talk to Brandy, she'll help you out."

Thanks, I will."

"Billy you've got a phone call on line two."

"Hi Billy, it's Renee." She speaks with a high raspy asthmatic voice.

"Hi Renee, how come you haven't been to visit me? It has been three weeks."

"Yeah Billy, I wanted to wait until you were coherent. I've been talking to the nurses' station."

"I bet they don't tell you half the shit that goes on in here."

"Billy I can't go on with you not taking your medicine. I want a divorce."

"Why Renee, what have I done? I've never cheated on you."

"Billy I can't take care of you anymore, like you are my son. That's not the way it should be."

"But then why did you marry me? you don't love me anymore?"

I'm really not sure why I married you. You always fly off the handle and that antique dresser you chopped in half with you fist can't be fixed. I'm moving and I won't be here when you get home."

Ah, Renee every marriage has its ups and downs. There is never a perfect marriage. You know you really hurt me. Whatever I try it always fails."

"Bye Billy."

Billy chokes up. "Bye, Renee."

Billy we're giving you full grounds privelidges. There's a party tonight in the library."

Billy goes to the library at eight. There is House music pulsating. He goes to a couch and sits with people he recognizes from a Narcotics meeting he had tried to attend earlier ou of boredom. He picks up a Judy Bloom book and sees a letter written by a seven year old boy named Billy about loneliness and starts to cry. A tall exotic woman walks up. "Come on, get up and ance." She grabs his hand and begins to House.

The next morning the patients are gathered in a large living room area with high ceilings.

"Now we're going to go around and I want everyone to tell us their goals for today."

"Hi, my name is Rachel, and my goal for today is to go to all of my groups."

"Good, Rachel."

"HI, my name is Tony and my goal is to take my medication today."

"Congratulations Tony!"

Billy is sitting next to this really freaky looking couple, who've admitted themselves together, as if this were a Marriot.

"Hi my name is Billy and my goal is to go home today."

"It is about time. Make sure you sign out by eleven. You have forty-five minutes. You can pick up your meds at the pharmacy."

The freaky looking man nods in agreement.

"Really? I can go now?'

"Yes. Go see Brandy and she'll discharge you."

Billy has this sadness about returning to the real world. He'll have to face those who saw him get sick.

"Brandy, I want to go home. Can you discharge me today?" Brandy is a chubby Jamaican woman with a weave.

"Sure, but you need to sign some papers. Go see Kwame and he can get your backpack out of the locker. Come back after you have been to the pharmacy."

"Here's your Prolixen and Cogentin. YOu will need to make an appointment before this runs out in two weeks", the pharmacist says.

"OK thanks." He goes back to Brandy.

"Brandy I'm all set, but I didn't bring money for the bus. I didn't expect to come here.

"Here take this. She gives him a five. Here's my phone number." You can call me and I'll come see you sometime."

"Thanks Brandy I'd like that. Where do I catch the bus around here? I'm lost."

You need to walk down Sunset to the bottom of the hill. Then you will come to Cesar Chavez. You can get a bus there."

The bus shows up. "How can I get a bus back to the valley? All I have is a five."

"Just get on. You can catch the 424 in front of the library."

Billy buys a coke at a hotdog cart to get change. As he is riding down through Hollywood an old hippie friend, The Wild Man(a.k.a. Ken gets on the bus. The WIld Man has long kinky black hair and walks with a cane. He has an incurable talking disease. Billy knows him from the Orton Dyslexia Society.

"Hey Billy, long time no see. Where you comein' from?"

"I was down at the Central Library. What about you.?"

A Story part two

"We're going to take you to another ward where you will feel safer. Come with me."
Billy follows "Sandy Duncan through a door she has unlocked. She introduces him to Stella, Luigi, and a bunch of other old people. Billy sits down in a chair next to Estelle.

She says;"Can you pick up that peice of paper, honey?"? My sone wrote that phone number down for me. It is very important."

Billy bends over an dpicks it up. He hands it to her. Luigi is speaking but it is pretty much gibberish.

"Do you want to follow me?" is all Billy can make out.

"Where are you going?"

"Come on."

Billy gets up and follows Luigi out into the hall. Luigi disappears into his room and Billy stops. Then Billy hears Luigi take a piss with the door wide open. Billy goes back into the day room.

"Can you pick up that piece of paper honey, it's very important." Billy picks it up again.

"Just ignore her. All these people have Alzheimers or Dementia," a nurse tells him. "Sign here." Billy signs.

"What was that?

"That was a 72 hour hold. You jsut signed yourself in."

Billy feels duped. "Sandy Duncan" walks in and asks if he wants to do rounds with her. Billy agrees. They walk up to a room with an open door.

"She's not in there,"Billy tells her.

"How do you know? You are starting to scare me."

to be continued....

A Story

A Trip To Hell

He leaps off the curb into an ocean of headights, across a wide
boulevard, in time to see an old man jamming on his brakes, barely missing him. Hi sadrenaline pushes him in front of one more car and across a bridge, across the L.A. River. He continues to sprint behind a stadium and stands amid a crowd exiting a football game. He sees his wife driving by in a van looking for him. "I know she is poisoning the lemonade. She was going to kill me with the iron." He sits on a curb for an hour and then a car drives up. "Mike I'm scared Renee is trying to kill me! She hates me." he says in a slow baritone.

"She wouldn't try to do that to you Billy. You're sick and you need to go to the hospital."

"But I have a party to go to. Robert is having a party up by Cal Arts."

"O.k. I'll take you to the party."

An E.R. nurse walks in. "Billy here's a Benadryl. This might help you sleep."

Billy is 6'5 and 200 pounds. He has black hair cropped short and peircing blue eyes against light brown skin. You can see his muscles through his black t-shirt. He is wearing Levis and Doc Martin shoes. He goes to the bathroom and tries to vomit up the poison.

Billy lies down in a bed next to a woman who has had a heart attack. He can't sleep and two hours later he is finally seen by a blonde, curvy psychiatrist. She has a walkie-talkie and is on a cell phone. "Are you a cop? " Billy asks, smiling.

She smiles and says " We need to send you to another hospital."

He is smitten and walks compliantly to the ambulance.

"Are we going to Roberts' party?"

"Are you gonna get in or do I have to tie you to the stretcher?"

In the ambulance Billy thinks that the oxygen tank is a gun aimed at him. He leans over in case it goes off. "Is that the map to Robert's place?"

The E.M.T. looks annoyed with him. Billy has no clue where they are taking him. They go around a lot of curves. He starts to hyperventilate because he thinks they might take him somewhere remote to kill him.

The hospital is large and terraced. At Kaiser China Town a nurse greets him.

"Is this Robert's party?"

"Yes, come on in."

He is admitte to the hospital where people play games, do activities, and eat. It is the middle of the night and everyone is asleep.

"Are you taking any street drugs?"

"No, are you?"

"Are you hearing any voices?"

"No."

"Are you having visual hallucinations?"

"No, is there a camera behind that window?"

"No, there's no camera in here. Are you taking any medication?"

"No, I stopped taking my Mellaril and Prozac a few months ago. They were making me gain weight and fall asleep in classes. I had to quit driving because my visison got so blurry."

Fo the third day in a row Billy refuses the poisonous medicine and doesn't sleep. One night in an observaiton room he is laying on a plastic padded bed, staring at a bright flourescent light and reading the etchings in the window that say "Hell," "Satan," and "I'm dying, help." The clicking window and the creaking crickets might be a code from his dead grandfather. He keeps hearing this high pitched squeeling noise that sounds like a car in a long drawn out spin out, but just won't crash. This reminds him of the time he spun out on the 405 by UCLA on the way to a club with Mike. All of a sudden a group of male nurses enters, unzips his jeans, pulls down his underwear, and gives him a shot in the ass. He doesn't struggle. This feels like a dream. They leave behind a book entilted "Neuroleptics and You" and another one called "Haldol" He finally sleeps.

The dinner trays are delivered to the locked ward. Billy sits down with a couple of guys who are also in their twenties. Billy eyes the food and asks a skinny kid if he wants his rice pudding. The kid says no. Billy laughs. "Don't you think it looks like come?" They all laugh. During the meal there is this old woamn sitting across the room and she has the msot evil expressio on her face. She is staring strsight at Billy, bug eyes like she is really angry. "She scares the shit out of me like she is going to put a hex on me."

Billy sits alone in his room reading and a fat woman across the hall cackles. "Hey Gerald, Billy wants you. Go on, he is waiting for you."

Billy waits nervously. Yhe door opens and there is Gerald, all seven feet, naked and brwon from head to toe.

"Get the fuck away from me!" Billy yells, pointing at Gerlad with his whole arm.

Gerald blinks a couple of times and turns and leaves. Billy gets up and moves tree dressers, nightstands and beds to block the door. "I want outa here!"

He takes a chair and tries to break the second story window but it is made of plastic. "Maybe I can jump down to the patio tablr and run away." He is not afraid of dying. Finally the next day a team of nurses tries to come in.

"Open up! Why'd you block the door? Your're strong!"

"I feel like I'm in "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest! I was sexually abused as a child and I am not letting that happen again! Were you sexually abused too?"

The petite woman answers " Yes, how did you know?"

I jsut had a feeling. You know you look like Sandy Duncan. And you look like B.B. King. The other nurse looks like Angela Davis."

To Be Continued....

Hi There!

I wanted to tell you my e-mail address so that if you would like to contact me you can. I have a few people over time contact me to be penpals and I haven't been able to contact people much because of my trips to the land of make believe. So here is is:
HeatherWilcox@att.net

I went to apply at a thrift store today to be a doation center attendant. Can you believe that? I thought it might be better than putting a lot of pressure on myself.

I just heard that I can move into the shared townhome on August third. Yikes! I haven't given notice where I am yet. So I must buy boxes and get some money together to hire movers. I will have to sell or donate my bed because the rooms are already furnished. I will donate my dining table to a friend. I guess I am really moving there. I haven't met my roommate yet.

Over the weekend I hung out with a friend who told me that I am too negative about myself and that that is a turn off. Also, she said that I have anger issues. I couldn't say much to her after that. I was stunned. I internalized it. She said that even in my silence I am negative. What in the world does that mean? So I was sorry I was with her. I didn't give her any criticism; but I could have. Sometimes friends sort of piss me off and I just let them breath a while. I mean I put the relationship on hold.

So I wound up meeting the guy from the chat line last Monday night and he was nice; but we aren't speaking anymore. We were attacted to one another; but somewhere something went wrong and he didn't call again.

I am trying to find something exciting to do with a friend this weekend and don't know what that could be. We are tired of movies and dinners and I would really like to go to a concert; but she doesn't like to be a crowd that large. I am wondering if she would enjoy a museum. I am going to ask her. Her twelve year old daughter might join us.

I wonder if I am the only one who has a lot of memories from periods of mania? Some of my memories are really funny and some are painful. But I miss the fearlessness I had then. Not the dangerous part; but the part about being myself and plain outgoing. Now I have lost my umph and I am quite deflated. I hope that in time that I will regain my power.

There is a story that I wrote that I would love to print up here on this blog; but I am unsure if I am allowed to print the language here that I have in the story. But you know what I think I will do that very soon.