The Joy of Madness

Delusions and hallucinations

I wanted to explain my delusions and hallucinations. Since last Fall I have been having voices when I am in restaurants. I hear people having conversations at other tables and sometimes they are really not audible to me, but I make up my own conversations. I imagine that they are saying negative things about me. They say things like pura loca, she's schizophrenic it is really sad or look at her shaking what is wrong with her. I think these delusions of persecution began because of my health problems. I've always felt persecuted, but now it is more prevalent because I shake a lot. Some of the persecution is real. Sometimes when I walk down the street in my neighborhood I hear "She's sad" or "she looks tired or sick all the time." I can't tell what's real and what's not. When I tell my mom or my friends they often say I'm being delusional. Often I hear people say that I am pretty, am I a model or who is she? This could be delusions of grandeur or it could be real. I often think to myself I'm pretty, but I'm screwed up.

I might have to move in with my mom in May. My mom has always been my biggest supporter. Unfortunately I didn't get to grow up with her. I moved to be with her when I was sixteen. Now I am house sitting for her and I can't sleep. I have insomnia. I fall asleep easily, but then I wake up too early. This is the earliest I've ever gotten up. It is 12:30 a.m. I wake up and then my mind starts to race and I have all this anxiety. I'm worried about my health and my living situation. I just had my Cortisol level tested and the Dr. wants to see me in person next Friday to explain the results. I can be somewhat of a hypochondriac; so waiting that long is going to kill me. It could be Cushing's Disease. This would probably mean I have a tumor in my brain. I have all the symptoms of Cushing's. No one I know knows that I am worried about this because they would probably discount the idea. My mom says that she will go with me to the appointment.

Today I have to be at the PRTNS office downtown at 9:45 a.m. I will have to try to focus and correct paperwork. This is the day each month that we have a four hour meeting that is really five hours because you are there for your lunch hour as well. I take Access sometimes when I go to L.A. or when I go out at night. Access is a curb to curb van service for the disabled. It costs $2.70 to go downtown. Often times the ride is a shared ride which means that one or two other people travel with you and you drop them off too. Sometimes this is inconvenient because your exact time of arrival is unpredictable. Sometimes Access leaves you stranded. Once I got stranded in Hollywood at the Arclight theater and had to pay $50 to get home in a regular taxi. I had met a friend there and she lives by Beverly Hills and had gone home on Access. I don't drive because I decided it wasn't safe. I have had four accidents. It it is too complicated for me. I also have learning disabilities.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at April 24, 2004 09:01 AM | TrackBack