The Joy of Madness

I got a new computer

My computer crashed and so I was unable to post for a while. I had surgery and they removed some cysts from my ovaries. Unfortunately though the pain persists. I am taking vicodin and hope to try a new dr. I found through Cedar Sinai. I really need to be able to work.

I'm supposed to go to Wyoming in July and have already purchased my plane ticket. Hopefully I will be well by then.

I wasn't able to finish my Fiction class. That is a big disappointment.

I was very hopeful about the surgery; but since it hasn't turned out as planned I am rather down.

Last week I went to emergency thinking they could help but they weren't that eager to see me. They did an ultrasound and found a new cyst but sent me home with instructions to take more vicoden.

I think I lost a good friend. She doesn't call anymore and I realized that she had been mistreating me for a while. I find her hypocritical and she doesn't have strong sense of who she is. One week she feels strongly about something and the next she has flip flopped on the issue. This is due to what others tell her to do. Or how they tell her to think. People are constantly telling me how to live my life and I think that happens to her too.

I was feeling rather sad earlier this evening and a friend called and as we were talking she ended the call abruptly. That really offended me since I always listen to her concerns and allow her to sound off angrily sometimes. The sad thing is that that was the only call I received all day. I really need to get out and meet new people.

My Mom left me an e-mail in which she told me that she has a solution to my dilemma about working and going to school simultaneously. She said that I should not invest any money suddenly. She wants to discuss something. That irritates me because there again is someone else making major life desicions for me. In other words I must run everything by her first. That makes me feel lousy. She told me recently that I shouldn't even finish my B.A. because I won't have a use for it. That reminds me of her logic a few months ago when she gave me the tip to not pay my debts. She said just let them be written off after seven years or something. I'm almost done paying all my debts accept my student loan which isn't due yet. If I would have taken her lousy advice I'd have no hopes of getting an apartment or buying a piece of property. She is the same way when I have a boyfriend. I met this guy and she said "What have you learned in the last 10 years about men?" That really blew me out of the water. How could she say that? Would she feel the urge to say that if I were "normal"? Maybe that is just it though; maybe that is just how moms are.

I saw the movie "Crash" and loved it. I took three friends and they loved it too. It was very interesting. You really have to pay attention. I also watched Five People You Meet in Heaven. That was excellent too.

I had a group of friends meet me at a restaurant for my birthday. It was fun. They play I went to for my day was fun too. It was very intense.

I'm considering taking a driving course so that I can begin driving again. I'd have better work options if I drove.

I am enrolled at Thomas Edison State College in New Jersey and I plan on completing my B.A. in Liberal Studies. I think that by doing the last bit of units in that major I can utilize more of the courses I have completed and finish faster. It is online by the way.

It is my dream to get a loft in downtown L.A. To buy or rent it. I like it better because there is more activity there. Here is a suburb that some call a bedroom community. I know that the grass is always greener and wherever you go there you are but I would like a change of scenery. I like to live where I can walk to things and where there is a lot of culture. I love Manhattan; but I'm too chicken to move to an unfamiliar place. I also hate snow.

Last summer I went to 3 concerts with my friend Larry who passed in Dec. and I miss that. I want to try to go to the hollywood bowl again this year. Suddenly I don't feel as outgoing about organizing groups to go to cultural events.

Sunday night feels just like any other day when you don't work and you are not really a part of society's timeclock.

Solitude does not always
bring madness
Does not always
breed sadness
Sometimes creates clarity
derides from a need
of those with superior intelligence
to escape to freedom, sunshine, and joy
internally.

Will time pass all my life
leaving me too contemplative
to turn without
to stop the quiet voice
of the watcher?

Find me,
discover me,
don't forget me,
understand me
laugh with me,
allow me.

Peaceful Pleasance
joyful numb
but feeling alive
angels linger
there is sometimes evidence
of things unseen.

Every thought
feels profound
is probably
frivolous
irrelevant
redundant
not sacred.

Silence
absence of a speaker
mute
selectively
the need to be heard
CANNOT BE
Because of the screaming
no one is listening.

Too much time
out sick
down time
days on end
alone
mournful
bored
Gone days
no quality of life
shortened life span
desire to escape
sometimes humor
sometimes dance
just words
positively surviving.

Tired of today
when will sleep arrive
one more day gone
lost
Do I choose to live this life?

I felt distanced from you
I knew it was our last day
I was not in your dream
we have no more karma
you left.
I trusted
you would.

Sex is easy
love is elusive
as is God
I am seeking
an understanding
an acceptance
of a God
of a man
who will find me?
present themselves to me
will I be aware
will there be
evidence of invisible things?

I remember your name
await your return
pray that you will
speak the next time
you call
Hoping you arrive
at 2:00 a.m.
buzz me from the door
tell me not to answer
in my nightshirt
because it is too sexy
say you love me
have so much lust for me
because we are just water
what we have
can't be wrong
is not dirty
our souls
will not survive
this separation.

A trip to a frontier unclaimed
we will take a subway
don our makeup
pass the cigar bar
where men feel virulent
sucking away
a few more days off their lives
no fear of death at midlife
we will finger fine pocket watches
but not buy
we will watch the sunset at the pier
browse a British tea store
imagine a room at a fancy blue hotel
overlooking an ocean life
that could be ours
if we could only leave the desert floor.
Today we will get blisters
from walking miles in Payless shoes
and settle for sniffing
scented silk carnations.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at June 6, 2005 03:52 AM