The Joy of Madness

I Lost It

I already lost my job! I was so tired that they wanted to transfer me to a new school after 3 days of working. My therapist thinks I might have sleep apnea. So I am going to get tested. My Dad has it and so does my 3 year old neice. So it is painful; but honestly I think they did me a favor. I should take care of my health. I could have gone to the new school; but I thought that that would be counterproductive. It would have been the same situation but in a new location. So I am officially unempoloyed and poor.

I am also bored. I feel I have the obligation to find something productive to do with my days. I would like to take classes; but I kind of blew that for this semester. They are well past the date to enroll. It is a possibility that I could go to a course through a community college extension if I have the money soon. Victor has started working and will be paid on March 17. I will also be paid my pithy paycheck that day. It is not going to be a very proud day.

I think I have lost 3 or 4 friends. They don't call anymore. I need to find a new way of meeting people. I have been meeting people who have bipolar; but I would rather meet people over a positive common interest. I haven't asserting myself in that area in quite a long time.

I might take the course in May at The Victory Clubhouse to become a paid peer advocate. They are starting a program where they will have members mentor young people newly diagnosed with mental illness. I have to find out how much it pays. I know a guy that works on the warm line there and he only gets minimum wage. Of course anything would be better that sitting around and only getting 730 a month on SSI. Another alternative to that is working as a housing advocate. I have to find out when they are starting the training for that. I don't know if it is actually scheduled yet.

I have been very depressed and isolated lately. I feel misunderstood by my Mom. I haven't talked to my Dad since I lost my position; but I don't think he will be thrilled or understanding. My Mom kept pushing me to get this job so that I would have health insurance and get my medical problems taken care of. It proved too much for me.

Not having the extra 1,000 per month is going to affect our ability to move to a 2 bedroom apartment. I am a little ashamed about that. Right now we live in a studio plus loft and it is impossible to share. Victor apologized for pushing me to get the job. He said my health should come first. He thought the job would get me out of isolation and help me to feel happier.

We had hail here yesterday and snow in the mountains at 2,000 feet. It seems strange to have nasty weather this late in the winter season.

I am stongly considering quiting the Tuesday night meeting. I don't feel support there. In fact there is a lot of antagonism. People I trusted there are no longer there for me.

I am seeing Fardin tomorrow for coffee. Also, I am going early to get some blood work done at my m.h. clinic for glucose, thyroid, and cholesterol, and hormones. I must wait to get a replacement medi-cal card in the mail before I can ask for a sleep test. I think I have to go to a pulmonary doctor for that. I really am clueless about it.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at March 12, 2006 07:00 PM