The Joy of Madness

Thanks for the response

I started laughing after reading the latest comment on my blog. I really needed the feedback. I can see how bland I have been being lately on here. I sometimes wonder how much info anyone really wants on a particular subject. I don't want to be overly dramatic; but I think I am at times anyhow. Also, at times I believe that no one reads my blog. How much could a stranger actually relate to my world? Or what are the limitations of having a blog on schiz.com? I wonder if it is outrageous that I write about any and everything in the universe and often nothing related to mental illness. When I am face to face or on the phone with a human being then I am quite wordy and demonstrative. I also rely heavily on listening to others to understand where I am not communicating. So having said all that I am glad to know that you took the time to ask a few questions about one of my blogs.

About my ex. I met him when I was 19 and he was 24. We met at a dance club. I should have explained that I was quite suspicious about him calling me after not having spoken to him for 12 years. The first thing I thought is this guy is going to hate how fat I have become. So I sent him a photo online and he wrote back: nice lips. So he asked to meet me at a Starbuck's in North Hollywood and he was 45 minutes late. It was a Sunday and he said that he had been working at a church. He works the P.A. system etc. So that made me feel desperate. Why was this guy late when he had set the meeting? I was sitting getting a sunburn and because I was facing the window I could see the reflection of my body in a chair and that was depressing in and of itself. I felt like a fool because I just knew that he had come by, seen me, and gone home. It felt like a blind date.

So he came and we laughed and shared our accomplishments and losses. At one point he leaned in and said "Do we have any loose ends to tie up?" I kind of lost my mind for a moment and said "Is this a 12 step thing or something? He had no clue what I was referring to and I explained that there is a step where you make amends to all those you have wronged. He said "no, but I know you got mad about something and wouldn't speak to me anymore". I remeinded him of the time when we were young and another woman did an emergency breakthrough on his line and told me he was hers.

Later on after we discussed my failed marriage and his long term relationship that fell apart we grew tired and I had to go home. He offered me a ride and finally I accepted. On the way to the car he asked how my ovarian pain was. He also asked if I still get my "monthly thing". I told him yes and we went on to discuss other things. I only mention that because upon further examination of that question I thought that that was a very queer question. So I began to wonder if he only looked me up so that he could find someone to have a baby with. I started to panic because I probably won't be having my own children. Also, I am hoping for a surgery and then there will be no more chances of that happening. So that is one reason the relationship might not work.

Another thing is the race issue. He is African Amercian and I am Caucasian and when we first dated he never introduced me to his parents. I got the feeling he wasn't sure how they would feel about my race.

The relationship could work because politically we think alike and we like to go do cultural things. Also, we have both been working in the teaching profession.

He doesn't have a clue about my mental illness. And I will leave it that way for a while. He came along before the monster did. I am thrilled that he was absent while I suffered so much.

About the Salvation Army. Yeah, I shop there because I have a poor income. I actually find a lot of designer clothes there that have been gently used. This most recent trip where I got a 50% discount I found a pair of red capris from Chicos that are just the right size. They look brand new. I also found a pair of kahki knee length pants from Lane Bryant. I found a nice flowery gauzy top and a little blue paisley sleeveless blouse. I also discovered a black short nighty that is brand new. I am a quirky, odd person but I don't have to dress like it.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at May 25, 2006 02:11 AM