The Joy of Madness

Egads the depression

I am depressed again. Victor came back and he is due to go in the psych hospital soon. He is very depressed and is sleeping all the time. He is going in voluntarily. Last night I slept 12 hours. I was very upset when he told me two nights ago that he was going into the hopspital. It brought back all these emotions from when I was in in 1992. I was very alone in my struggle. I was attacked physically and then I spun out of control mentally. About six months after the attack I decided that since the Melarill was making it impossible to study or stay awake, work, drive etc. that I would ask the dr. to take me completely off of it. I had only been on a little anyway. But when I was off of it I went into mania. I was in the middle of transferring to university and was living in a little dorm room. I was living alone and was isolated and poor. In fact I didn't know I qualified for general relief or anything. So I was hopsitalized and sat out of classes that semester because the Prolixen made me sleep all the time. I sat on the benches outside the university library all semester attempting to read and just not be bored and depressed. But it was depressing. I really had no friends at that point. I didn't know about Project Return and there was no clubhouse to go to. Sometimes I had no food for lunches. I ate alongside the other students in the dorm for breakfast and dinner although I wasn't one of them since I wasn't attending classes. My vision was so blurry that my Mom had to come over and sort my medicine into a pill sorter for me. While I was in the hospital my Mom couldn't handle it and didn't come visit during my three weeks there. I didn't have my own clothes or toiletries while I was in there. So I don't want Victor to suffer the way I did. He is a lot more sociable than I was and so I know that he will not be completely isolated. He is not psychotic, thank god.

Yesterday I pulled myself together and went to see two apartments. The first was better than the second. The first had a small bedroom and a very large living room. I liked it. They are both $800 per month. That would save us $100 per month. But I am not in love with the location of the first one. It is at the end of a street that has no sidewalks and in a location that makes it necessary to walk a ways to get to a major street to take a bus. So I will keep looking.

Yesterday Victor really wanted to see a video so I went to Hollywood Video and got a couple of them. I could hardly find any vhs and my dvd is at his mom's right now. So I rented Happy Times and Magnolia. We started watching Happy Times but he didn't like the subtitles (it is a Chinese movie) so we switched to Magnolia. That was good but sad. He was sleeping through the majority of that and kept replaying the videos all night and sleeping through them.

So today is the fourth of July and I am inside on this computer. Tonight is my dinner at the restaurant. We are meeting at 6 p.m. I am even a bit depressed about that because I know there won't be many people there and the talk will be about why there aren't more people. I still want to put up an ad on meetup.com; but must wait until my check clears.

I went to a cool Mexican restaurant on Sunday with Fardin. We had fun. They had mariachis there. On Saturday I went to my interview and then went to meet my friend Annette at a Starbucks. She pulled up and said she wanted to go to the sale at Macy's. I had already eaten my sandwich and had my frappacino. So we went and she bought a duvet and I got a couple of pairs of pants.

I figure that I didn't get the job. The guy never called back. So that is a bit upsetting. It was in a good location. He said it would not be cash if it turned permanent. I might go next Tuesday to apply for a job as a residential counselor.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at July 4, 2006 09:06 PM