The Joy of Madness

Long Week

I got a call from Victor's dad and he told me that he had received a letter from the city and he needed to talk to Victor. So I realized that I had received the same letter and went to open it. It said that Victor is due to appear in court on Monday on Battery charges. It was related to a girlfriend, mother of his child or a live-in relationship. It was a vague statement about the penal code. I couldn't figure out what this meant. He hadn't physically hurt me. So then I remembered that I had told my therapist that he had stolen money from me. I still don't know for sure; but I have a feeling that she reported this and maybe this is why he is headed to court tomorrow. I researched the penal code noted in the letter and it stated that he could receive 6 months in jail or simply serve time on parole and pay victim's restitution.

I haven't felt safe in my house since I received the letter. I thought: What if he gets angry about this and comes to retaliate? I think he is in the hospital; but he called yesterday from a Phoenix Arizona cell phone number. That could mean that he is in Phoenix or maybe he is borrowing someone else's cell phone. I am feeling paranoid. I keep looking over my shoulder in my apartment. He said on the phone that he knows now that what he did was wrong. He said he feels better and knows that he must appear in court tomorrow. That was about all he said. I thought that when he left last Tuesday night that I wouldn't hear from him again. I haven't told my Mom this because she has my relatives visiting and I don't want to upset her. I want to call my therapist tomorrow and ask her if she reported and if she knows anything about the case. Of course she doesn't have to tell me anything so she may deny knowing anything.

So I have been taking Trazadone to sleep. Lately I have mostly been at home. I went to the clubhouse for a while on Thursday. When I went I was depressed and when I left my depression had grown worse. Friday I was suppose to see Will but he didn't bother to call to cancel until late in the day. So that was bad for my mood. I went to the library and rented a video and checked out a book. Then on Saturday I didn't leave my apartment except to get my mail. Today I waited for Will's call until 1:30 and then left. He had said he would call in the morning but didn't. We were supposed to meet in North Hollywood and have coffee then go downtown on the redline subway and see a salsa concert. So he came all the way down and didn't call until 2:30 when he was already on the subway. I don't have a cell phone and I didn't get home until 3:30. Then I called his cell and I left an apologetic message. I haven't heard from him since. I wrote him an e-mail though and kissed up to him. We shall see what happens. I feel deflated.

Tonight my friend Julie asked me to go to City Walk with her. We went and it was at least some diversion. It took us out of our houses and we forgot our troubles for a bit. City Walk is the place I call a mall on acid. It is outdoors and has lots of loud music blasting and lots of neon signs and people everywhere. There are smells of incense from the zen store where you can get a massage and cotton candy and expensive homemade soap. She bought some crocs (these plastic shoes shaped like clogs) and a t-shirt with the 70's 7-up logo on it. I was looking for a place to buy a frozen yogurt but couldn't find one there. We oggled all the babies and checked wallets at Fossil. We became bored and she took me to a place to buy a chocolate yogurt.

Tomorrow I am going to my Mom's house at 10:00 a.m. to swim and lounge with my relatives. That will probably be relaxing.

Today I went to the thrift store where they have the dollar bin on Sundays. I bought 8 $1 items. Some are for my friend Wendy who asked me to shop for her when I find cute stuff her size that is cheap. So I can spend 1-5 dollars per item up to ten dollars. She pays me 1 dollar each time I shop for her. Since she is smaller than I am I can find things in her size more often than my size. I also bought a tank top that says rock n roll in sequins for my cousin and a little t-shirt that says ABBA for my 4 year old neice who loves to sing Dancing Queen. For myself I bought a thick green sweater that is very fluffy and a pair of warm boots. I figure I can stock up for Fall and Winter now. I also got three pretty blouses for myself out of the $1 pile. Two are made by Karen Scott. One is yellow and the other one is coral color. The third is a white peasant blouse with ebroidered ribbon and lace around the top. I got some Monet notecards for $2. Except for the fiasco with Will this was the best day in a week.

I received a flyer about a job with the city that I had requested to be notified about. It is clerk typist. It pays 31,000 -42,000 per year. That is more than I have ever made before. So even though I am dyslexic I am going to apply. They say that you only have to have typing speed for certain positions under this classification.

When I spoke with a depressed friend and told her about the crazy chaos with Victor she said "as the world turns". And when I told her I was seeing Will again she said "as the world turns". I felt kind of pissed that she was being that way. I always listen to her problems even when she has gotten into some stupid situations. Another thing is that she is always bringing up my ex-husband. Has he called you? Have you heard from him? I hate that. She has known him for a long time. I would rather push that whole experience away.

I must fill out the application for the americorps job I am applying for. I figure it doesn't hurt to put out a lot of applications.

I am considering switching clinics. Did I already say that they have informed me that I am due to get a new dr.? I just got a new one and now she is leaving my clinic. This will be the fourth dr. I have had in 2 years. I don't feel comfortable with my therapist any more. I was thinking it over and realized that I have been like a bump on a log for two years. Just plain stuck. Not working,taking classes, nothing. She hasn't directed me to housing resources or offered solutions for college funding. I feel like she is just a mirror for me. She tells me when to set up boundaries. I feel like this clinic is condescending to clients. We are clients we are not people. We are all treated like irresponsible children. I want to go somewhere private where maybe there will be some dignity involved.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at July 17, 2006 05:59 AM