The Joy of Madness

Slept all Day

It is 4:24 in the afternoon and I slept from 9-12a.m. and then from 12:30-3:30 p.m. I have a lot of pain today and I took 8-500 mg tablets of Tylenol. The pain hasn't budged.

I went to the victory clubhouse on Monday to go to the Schizophrenics Anonymous Meeting. The topic of discussion was how do you relate to a higher power. So I shared and it made me feel better. A few members said that they pray and feel they receive an answer. I shared that I pray to angels as intermediaries of God and receive answers to my questions. I explained that I had discovered that people haven't been doing what I want them to do lately. They haven't been there for me. And the idea that came was what am I doing to bring about happiness into my own life? Why wait around for others to bring me happiness? A member shared that if a situation seems wrong or he is confused about how to handle it he extricates himself from the situation and lets God handle it.

I have been stood up by a few friends lately and I have begun thinking that I must widen my social circle. I am considering going to a poetry meetup on Saturday. That would be a way to meet people with similar interests but not on a negative commonality.

I went to see the movie Little Miss Sunshine and it was really good. Before that my mom and I went to Marmalade Cafe to eat breakfast and is a really cute place. I felt depressed later on when the pain returned and I also felt sad about Bob passing.

I went to my new shrink wrap session on Monday and he heard my story and decided to take my off of the Abilify. So little by little I will get off of it. This month I will only take 5 mg. of it. I have been on 10. Next month I will stop it when I run out of 5's around the 11th. I am happy about that. The Lexapro and the Lamictal are staying the same.

Last night after the movie I went to my meeting. I was depressed and in pain but I still forced myself to go. A member asked for resources on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I gave them to her. Another member discussed the problem he has with buying shoes and I told him that my mom and I had gone to a shoe store where they measure your feet on a computer and they also make orthotics. Another member was also interested in that. A member mentioned that he had had a hypomanic episode where he just got a few hours sleep and then he was able to get up and accomplish a lot of things. That was actually a positive experience because he has been depressed for 3 years. A member gave us a job referral for the company she works for where they make phone calls to people to ask if they would like to take a survey and receive money to come in and do a focus group. It only pays $9 an hour and it is not that easy for me to get to by bus but maybe someone else will use it. I calculate travel time into whether or not a job is feasible. Some jobs even if they are only 5-8 miles away aren't feasible because of the the bus routes. A member asked if I would like to have coffee on Thursday night so I agreed and I hope I feel up to it then. I might see if he wants to go on the Big Bear trip which begins on September 11.

I am supposed to go to eat Indian food with Fardin on Friday at 11:00 a.m. By the time we reach the restaurant it will be 11:45 or so. It is a place that has a buffet at lunch. I haven't seen him in a while because he has had the flu.

I got a response from the church about holding a ministry for disabled people at the church and they said that I should bring it up with the pastor. I had also asked how old the people who attend the adult singles are and she said 30-50 or something like that. Now that I am thinking about it might be better not to be segregated by disability. I have a friend who doesn't associate with people who are not mentally ill. I don't want to be sucked into that mentality where I just stay working for this agency and only know people who have these issues. I think this is a good program but it is meant to be a jumping off point into society as a whole.

If I can bring myself out of this cave tomorrow then I will go to a nearby community college and enroll in Child Development. I can take 6 units in short term courses 3 for two months and 3 for the next two months. That would give me thirteen units and I need 12 to do most jobs in this field. These two courses are only held on Saturdays and they are all day classes. I wouldn't be able to go the advisory board meetings anymore so I couldn't continue to get paid for my job (the Tuesday night meeting). I would miss the money; but not the advisory board.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at August 17, 2006 12:23 AM