The Joy of Madness

Thanks for staying tuned

Tuesday I went to OliveView hospital outpatient gynocology and had a tough day of it. But in the end after being treated in an undignified manner I left with prescriptions that appear to be just the ticket to recovery. I went to the pharm on Wednesday and they told me I'd exceeded my max on drugs for the month so they are writng treatment authorization requests. I was told by the pharm today (Thursday) that I must return to the hospital and get one drug there. That is a bother because the facility is in a mountainside and is difficult to access by public transit. Oh well, I am still happy they are assisting me.

Yesterday after going to the pharm I went to the funny farm. Or a local drop in center where I feel comfortable sometimes. I enjoyed myself immensely because everyone seemed very happy to see me and I felt like a queen. They were holding a chili cookoff and so we each sampled 5 types of chili. It was festive and crowded there.

I am still experiencing insomnia. But it is intermittant. On Tuesday night I fell asleep around 8pm and slept until 7a.m. That was so nice. But last night it was a wash since I couldn't sleep until 6:30 a.m. and I received a phone call and woke up at 9:30. I don't feel terrible; but I feel a bit dizzy. I hope this is not hypomania. I have been depressed lately which is due to life circumstances and the lack of Lexapro for 5 days. So today I decided to take all my drugs in the a.m. I cut the Lamictal in half so it is 50 mg now because I am worried that it is overstimulating me. I should phone the clinic today. I kind of wanted to sort it out myself. Sometimes life changes can screw up my mood or functioning. I don't want to be medicated out of feeling these experiences.

I am letting go of Will the great no show. I let go of two friends that were causing me grief due to what I classify as mysogyny. It is proactive to end so called friendships which ruin your self esteem. It was all about body image more specifically eating issues and weight issues. Some people including women don't value a woman unless she fits their definition of physical beauty. Of course Victor is gone and I have mixed up feelings about that. He may be in jail; I have no way of knowing anymore. So negative or not it is still a loss I am mourning. I don't know if I am burning my bridges or being healthy.

I have one friend that seems to be fading into the distance. I think this is her choice not mine. She doesn't identify with depression and I don't identify with psychosis and loss of sense of self. I also don't understand the occasional recreational drug use. Even a diet drug or a pain killer can be recreational when you have a chemical imbalance. This makes her high and a little psychotic.

I applied for federal student aid and received a speedy reply that I probably qualify to only have a $1,700 contribution to my education which means that I won't have to ask for much of a loan. That has made me pretty elated. Why didn't I do this sooner?!

I saw a request for submissions for a women's magazine on a blog on moodswing.org and I want to submit. I worry about my main peice of fiction being too graphic. I have only submitted it once. They are specifically seeking works of fiction and nonfiction etc from women who have mental illness.

They fixed my kitchen sink yesterday so I have tons of dishes to do. It is a positive though.

Posted by Butterfly Emerging at August 24, 2006 08:14 PM