The Joy of Madness

Waiting for my dr.

I'm anxiously awaiting my appointment with my dr. on the 30st. They cancelled my other appointment without asking me; so I've been waiting since mid May. I need a mood stablilizer. I'm so moody and hostile. I think my wellbutrin is causing me to have seizures at night so I'm going to ask to go off of it. I want to try Abilify again. Last time I tried it I was naseous; but I need something that works. When a drug is recalled does that mean that it is being removed from the market or does it sometimes mean that the drug will now carry a warning? I'm confused because I heard that a group of psychotropics were being recalled.

I asked Kaiser (my HMO through work) if I could have therapy and they denied me. So I wonder, if they could deny someone like me therapy then who gets therapy? They are more concerned with saving money than saving lives.

Work seemed great, but lately it has become a drag. They didn't train me and now they are upset that according to them I have not been fulfilling all my job requirements. This caused a huge scandal to wave through the office. These are the same employers who allowed my predecessor to do street drugs while on duty and allowed him to avoid fulfilling any of his job duties for a couple of years. They don't tell me how to boost membership in my clubs, but they complain that numbers are low. I feel defeated. I wonder why I put up with the stress and strife when I only make $250 more per month than I would get if I weren't working. This is really discouraging. I really don't know what other job I can do. I feel stuck.

I have decided that when I get the money I will finish my B.A. online. Perhaps I will have less courses to take if I transfer to Thomas Edison.

I am going to a photo shoot with a modeling agency on the 31st. I hope I can do this properly. I'm really nervous. They're having this audition for a show on NBC where these women share a house and have life coaches to help them work on their core issues. I kind of want to do it; but I'm thinking they might kick me out for being strange. Or maybe they wouldn't pick me because they don't want someone who has so many issues. Maybe I'd be too paranoid being so exposed. Wouldn't it be cool if I get my picture somewhere and I could say ha ha you all said I couldn't make it. How you like me now?

Meeting New people

I had a party on Saturday. We were all consumers. We debated politics and chowed down on Mexican food. I put a personal ad on a website and I got tons of interesting responses. This has nothing to do with Schiz. I've got to break out of the mold here, you know. This stuff is getting way to serious really. I'm going to Iowa on Sunday. It's my Grandparents' memorial. We will spread their ashes in a predesignated place. No one in my family lives in Iowa anymore. I hate passing through the checkpoint at the airport. God forbid I get preyed on again by some wanna be nazi woman who is probably into dominance. I mean she opened up my huge bag of pills right in front of God and man. I thought of all these great come backs later on. At the time I was just mortified. I'm really not an enemy combatant. I guess they hate the fact that I don't even resemble my I.D. I've dropped a ton of weight and I colored my hair. They want to know if it is really me. I have this fear of bueracracy. I mean forget about the DMV or Social Security. I also fear banks where you never know when the local drug addict will start jonzin for some drugs and come stick up the bank. I only go in banks when I have to buy quarters to do my laundry. I can't really bear going to the Post Office either. I go if I want stamps or if I need to pick up or mail a large package.

I told one guy on the phone (he was such a jerk) that I work with mentally ill adults and he says to me: Well their limited; but what about you? He told me to just go out and do it. Go take what's mine and all that. He became rich in one year. Arrived here last year with $40 in his pocket from England and has made it. "Every American has the same opportunities as I have. I don't understand all these people who live in poverty here! This is the richest country and they don't take advantage. They are going into bankruptcy to pay medical bills." He is such a republican. I was like why did you bother to answer my ad? He kept trying to meet me last night. He wanted to send a taxi for me. Said he had partied for three days and lives a very adventurous life. He skis, yachts, sky dives etc. etc. and travels the world every month. Sounds like a playboy who hasn't quite sowed his wild oats yet. I told him he was wild and a loose cannon. The first time I called him at 9:00 at night he couldn't talk. Said he was quite busy in this prissy little British accent. I thought Great just what I need another man who doesn't have time for me.

Someone should a reality t.v. show on my life. It wouldn't be boring. I mean, the strangest people approach me at the bus stops. One man a couple of weeks ago had a suitcase and turns to me and says "I've got to sell some this liquor; this thing is way too heavy."(!) Then he goes "Do you drink" and I said no. He then wanted to know if I smoke crack. I told him no. I was disgusted by this time. He said I smoked it all day yesterday. Here I'll show you the pipe. (!) So he took it out! Expletive Expletive. I was mad and walked away. I don't want to come near that stuff. He then proceeded to waltz out into traffic to cross this major intersection. All you can do is roll your eyes. I have a few more stories like that. Some of these people freak me out. I hear guys on the bus talking about just getting out of prison. As if everyone had just gotten out of prison or something. Interesting. I heard a couple of kids who had just graduated high school (seeing each other after a long while) and they both said they had done time for doing i.d. theft. Then the guy says "I work at Telesis bank now." (!!!)