The Joy of Madness

I feel happy

I feel happy and there is little drama in my life currently. I am still suffering from endometriosis and my step-mom seems to believe I should just go ahead and have a hysterectomy; but I am hesitant.

Other than that, we are having sun and I feel good. I think I will get to see an old friend from high school next Sunday. Her and I are like sisters. Later today I will see another friend. Maybe we will walk around Balboa Lake. It is very pretty there.

I think my neighbor moved because I get up in the middle of the night to eat. His bedroom was on the other side of my kitchen. I wake up and soon get really hungry. I feel remorse over this; but he is gone now.

On Thursday, if I am feeling well I will go to a class on documentary film making at the victory clubhouse. They also offer art there. I got back some pictures I had taken from my Yosemite trip and they are really good. I will frame them.

I may not go to see my Grandpa in Arkansas next month. I don't know if I am up for it. I do want to go to Las Vegas on March 7th though. My fiend and I are going with Project Return. I don't like to gamble but I like to shop. Maybe we can catch a good concert too. Oh, and the buffets. I feel like I am in retirement.

I will have to get busy and write some more poetry. Oh, I am going to take a class at UCLA extension in April. I am very excited about that. I am having a hard time deciding which one though. I thought of a couple of phrases to go in my word book. Mediocre Madness and The monotony of sin.

Valentine's Day Party

I felt that the Valentine's Day party was a success. We had nine people and a very old cat named Musky. I was sick to my stomach from this pill I had taken; but all in all it was fun. I baked this Tamale Pie and it was good. Did I say I went to a Buddhist service? I was frightened by the loud chanting. My therapist says I'm mad at God for all that has happened in my life. I just can't get myself into church.

I am thinking of applying for this job as a phys. therapy aide. at the V.A. I don't have confidence; but maybe I can convince them to hire me.

I want to get a pet. I think that would help me.

I'm reading a book on chakras called Attracting Prosperity through the chakras. I am not necessarily reading it for the link to money, but to learn what my purpose in life is. I want to find out what my sacred contract is.

My friend told me that I must let go of some family members but do it with love. I have to realize that they are small in some ways and just let it go.

I flunked out on the job interview

I didn't get the job. I don't think I'm up to it. I think I'll search for a volunteer job which could possibly lead to employment later. I would like to get a mentor. Someone who works in a field I might be successful in. I am thinking of suggesting to the staff at the local clubhouse that they offer a vollunteer coordinator who could find consumers jobs like that. I think it would be so beneficial for us to have a purpose as well as a goal for the future. That would certainly be better than having clients hang out all day, play pool, smoke and do menial chores like kitchen duty or janitorial. Just think of all the money they would save if they farmed us all out to meaningful daily activities.

Anyhow I have been staying home too much lately. It has been boring. That's why I need a volunteer job. If I'm home alone my mental health deteriorates and so I can't work; but if I am not feeling well on my meds then I can't work either. What I'm trying to say is: what comes first? Since I'm recalibrating my meds now I think I must be satisfied with volunteer work.

I don't know if I should finish my degree in Social Services for Special Populations because those jobs don't pay very well. I'm looking into other things which are cheaper and have shorter course lengths.

I found out that my sisters are afraid of my illness. Translation: They hate it. Probably the anger/depression aspect. So I have to put them in a boat with my Dad and Stepmom and set them out to sea. They are not really avialable anyway so it kind is a relief to learn that. My illness is only 50% of my personality; but they don't see the other parts of me. It is strange and sad to let go; but I can't will away the difficulties I face.

Funny Day

Today brought fear and other uninvited guests
and the beginning of my mindfulness
and that's when I discovered
that happiness is free
the angel of medicine
brought healing tonics
I discovered detox in a box
and the gift of change was mine.

Up at 3:00 a.m.

I have a bit of a dilemma. I can devote all of my time to my studies which I will begin in April; or I can work and take classes simultaneously. I know it will be difficult to do both. I am having sleep difficulties and it is hard to wake up any earlier than 8:00 a.m. Two to three days per week I wake up at 3:00 a.m. The dr. is tapering me off of Lithium and I am starting Lamictal.

I had the best time last Sunday when I went to see some friends in Beverly Hills. I was a movie star that day. My friends gave me a manicure, pedicure, and a back massage. We went to Soup Plantation and Borders Books. I was disappointed in their selection of books on Bipolar. I will search on Amazon. I want to get a book by Wayne Dyer on the power of intention.

I am due to be reviewed by Social Security on Tuesday. I should have gotten a note from my dr.

I interviewed for a position on Thursday and will know next week how it went. It is for a teacher's assistant position in a school for disabled kids.

I saw Aviator and it was excellent. I loved the way the people in Howard Hughes' world just accepted his psychosis and OCD. It is great to see this story of a man who was a genius and triumphed over his mental illness. It was inspirational and also very entertaining. There were portrayals of many movie stars of his era in the film. My favorite scene was at the senate hearings. I won't give it all away though.