The Joy of Madness

My pain is gone!

My dr. gave me elmiron and also an antibiotic and one of them seems to have helped me. So now I must find a job. I know that I cannot go to school too so I'm not quite sure how to manage this. Maybe I'll just go to school right now.

The Lexipro is working now. I am glad for that.

My friend is the poverty advisor to Villaraigosa (the mayor) and is having her monthly meeting this Wednesday. It will cover housing grants for low income people in L.A. I want to go and see what they can do for me. My friend will bring tamales too. I can't wait.

I haven't actually completed a housing inspection survey yet for the city; I don't know what I am waiting for.

Disappointingly I did not get to go to The Hollywood Bowl this summer. Happy Autumn by the way.

My friend mentioned that she is not able to receive services (therapy) because they don't have funding at her clinic. How can they tell that to someone with severe depression?!

One friend told me that he couldn't find his ashtray. He said that when the mormons came they threw them all away. So now he has just one. He says when they come he burns incense. He is mormon and is not supposed to smoke. Sorry C. but I thought that was funny.

My boyfriend is still here, not really surprisingly. We are both currently unemployed and are really struggling. I'm still applying for housing through homes for life. They have housing available in January. The place is only 500 sq ft.; but the rent is 30% of your income.

If I decide to work then I will apply for Los Angeles Unified School District to work with the disabled kids. I am ambivalent about it.

I don't know if i have ever printed my poem called Life. Here it is:

Life

He threw the ciggarette
into the toilet and watched
as it swirled around and around.
Following it with his eyes
he was in a trance.
He saw a kaleidoscope of colors,
a pinwheel twisting,
and a lollipop swirling.
He thought of the alpha and the omega
and the futility of life.

Thanks Amanda!

Thank you Amanda for the great complement! I really appreciate it. I needed something to lift my spirits today. I'm glad you read some of my work and enjoyed it.

Today I am a little down as I have been a lot lately.

I had the party and it was a big success. I had people coming in waves from 6:00 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. They loved my Cowboy Cornbread. Two friends asked for a sample to carry home. That was a big complement because I make it with ground turkey meat and one friend loved it although she is a vegetarian and the other loved it although she is a bulemic and is on a no carb diet. Cool huh?

I have my boyfriend staying here for a short while. It is a bit stressy. He is starting a new job tomorrow so will be out of my hair for a good portion of my day this week. My mom doesn't know he is here. Only a few people know. I mean that know me.

I might go to the L.A. County fair on Thursday with the Victory Clubhouse. We get to get in for four dollars. It is fun there. I like the pig races, the photographs, and old costumes.

Last night my friend invited me to a religous service of many different faiths. We observed the full moon. It was so peaceful. They had a waterfall, insence, bells, and musical bowls. They dimmed the lights and had lots of candles. We chanted for peace and sent love to those suffering. A Buddist monk gave a speech. He gave the principles of Buddism and it made me very interested in viewing them online. I couldn't remember them all.

I want to see the new Tim Burton movie called Corpse Bride. I really enjoyed The Nightmare Before Christmas. Also they have a new Wallace and Gromet movie : The Were Rabbit. Has anyone seen Proof? I was wondering if it is any good. I want to see Everything is Illuminated. Also

I almost forgot to tell you about the visit with the Gyno. He found nothing wrong and after another ultrasound he ruled that this pain is psychosomatic. I know I should be relieved about this but frankly I am not. The Dr. will do no more for me and referred me to my shrink who said he would not prescribe a tricyclic antidepressant for me because they will make me sleep more than I already am. The gyno said this would relieve my pain. But no dice. The shrink switched me to Lexipro which is supposed to kick me into gear. I will go tomorrow to pick it up. He also told me to exercise and do yoga. I can begin that again but really don't know if that will alleviate the pain. Everyday I take a vicodin in the morning. I'd rather have something that can be cut out or medicated away.

I know that loneliness and poverty are my main sources of stress. I have been hearing little noises lately as I am waking and drifting off to sleep. This is the only symptom of psychosis I am currently experiencing. I think I hear a cell phone sometimes. But still I don't like it. It is my secret.

Oh! Good news! I found a job through the city where you visit vacant apartments for rent and then fill out a survey to describe them and rate them so that they can compare current market rate rents to the quality of the building and unit. They need this done because they need to monitor the rate they subsidize section eight housing. They pay $20 per survey completed and $5 more per survey if you have a digital camera to provide an exterior photo. You can do as many or as few as you want. My boyfiend said he would help me do them. My friend Leticia hooked me up with it because I have done so much for her she said. She came and picked me up and went through the training with me.

I've decided to finish my B.A. online which means I must accept the loans they have offerred me. I will do that tomorrow. If all goes well I will begin in October. I really need something to ignite me.

I've already begun Christmas shopping. This way it doesn't all hit me at once. Book clubs are great ways to get gifts.

Thanks for reading this.

New Diagnosis

I went to the new Gyno and he diagnosed me with interstitial cystitis. That is a problem with the bladder. I hope I can kick it with the medicine he gave me. It could take two months to work.

My Aunt was kicked out of the hospital and then readmitted. She got her medicare. That is a bit of good news.

I've been down lately. I think there are a lot of reasons. I raised my dose of Paxil.

I've been getting these weird calls lately. They are silent calls. I think I will have to call the police about it. They call 3-4 times daily and just sit there. This has been going on for a few months now. The caller i.d. says unknown name/unknown number. The phone company told me that they can not trace it without a police file.

My friend Tina overdosed on pain medication. She was not a close friend; but still it is a tragedy.

I saw a bad movie last week. Broken Flowers. It was slow and depressing.

I am really down about the disaster in the South right now. I guess everyone is.

I rented Shultze gets the blues. I hope it is good.

I received the book with my poem in it and my mom called it a vanity publishing. That was a little sad for me.

I am having a party on Saturday. I will be showing this ACLU film on the patriot act. I hope it is not too long though or my guests will get bored and leave. I invited ten people. I will cook a new version of Tamale Pie otherwise known as Cowboy Cornbread.