The Joy of Madness

Maybe

It is a maybe for Will. He will come visit today. I should think of something fun to do.

I am supposed to have Fardin over for coffee soon. I am going to Wendy's apartment to go swimming on Friday. Next Tuesday I am going to go ahead and go "camping" by Santa Barbara. We are going to stay in a cabin. I hope it is cooler there. I am going to invite friends; but don't really expect people to be able to go. Maybe it is just that my friends are comfortable and don't want to venture out.

I am reading The Artist's Way again. It is so good for me. I am doing morning pages. They are three pages of journaling that you do in the morning. I read this book halfway through five years ago and it got me started thinking about a divorce from my ex. It talks about crazy-making people in our lives and how they thwart creativity. We allow those people into our lives because we need a distraction. That is safer than actually having to create. I think that even if I didn't want to do art I would find the book useful because it helps any goal come into fruition by assisting you to clean out your baggage.

I returned the call of someone who wants to interview me for a possible position with a company that helps people with speech, language and learning difficulties. I thought how ironic that they would call me; but I must have sent them my resume. It has been a while since I sent any out. This company teaches people how to deal with auditory processing problems and uses music as a tool for language and learning. I have auditory processing problems and think it is excellent that they have a program for this. Anyway we are playing phone tag.

My meeting last night was kind of zilch. I only had one member and we talked for one hour.

I went thrift shopping with Wendy yesterday and I bought a black suede vest for $5. It zips up. It is a Coldwater Creek item and they are quite expensive. I bought a lacy top for $1 that I can wear underneath the vest. I also found a journal with a silk Chinese cover on it and I bought the Graceland cassette by Paul Simon. My mom had the album when I lived with her and I love it.

I am going to make grits with a poached egg now.

Slow to Emerge

Yesterday I went to visit my friend Linda in L.A. and it took about 2 hours each way by bus. It was quite worth it as it was better than sitting home and dialing for apartments on craigslist. I begin to feel that that is a futile pastime because there is nothing affordable that is better that what I rent. But my point is that I had a great day. We went to Soup Plantation and her friend Susan joined us. We all will meet again with our friend Andy on the 6th of September at The Hamburger Hamlet in Hollywood. After that we will go to a movie. I think they want to see material girls; but they weren't sure. I am really picky about my movies and I pick peculiar ones; so I don't know if I will stay for the movie.

I am due to go to Sizzeler on Tuesday with the ups and downs club. My mom had asked me to go camping with her at the beginning of that week but I think I better stay here for now.

I decided to make the sizzeler restuarant my last meeting as the facilitator. I think that is better.

I am playing Evenescence on the cd player. I have different music for various moods.

I heard this radio program on KPFK earlier with an author talking about his book called Paranoia and Contentment. It sounds really good and can be bought on Amazon.com His name is John C. Hampsey. He explains that people who are paranoid are more creative. It also discusses the way people condemn those with delusions etc. and he references Joan of Arc and this Greek woman scientist who was later named Saint Catherine who was not actually christian but who was a paegen killed by the priests in 400 a.d. They didn't like her ideas. He thinks that people hate those who think outside of normal standards and these strange and creative people are actually the ones who push society along into newer and better things. He mentioned Virgina Wolff and Neitzche. I think I spelled the names wrong; but you get it. He said that Neitzche went into hysterics when he saw a horse being whipped on the street and he was forced to spend the rest of his life in a locked room. They said he was not a nazi type; but his sister was. I want this book.

LOL

I am chortling today. I don't know why except that I didn't go to the advisory board meeting today. What a relief! That is the stupid meeting I am supposed to attend monthly for my self-help group job. I flaked. Good for me. They treat us like we are retarded there.

Tomorrow I am going to visit Linda, a friend who lives in L.A. We are going to The Soup Plantation a restaurant that has a salad and soup bar. We will swim at her apartment. I haven't seen her since last October. She said she is not going to Big Bear Lake this year because they have been having a lot of fires. My self-help group takes a big trip there every September to stay at a campground in cabins. It is a lot of fun; but I don't think I will be able to go.

The pain was bad yesterday and I only went out to Walgreen's to buy some Naproxen. Later I felt all better and regretted wasting my day away.

I am re-reading a book I have had for years called Hot Chocolate for the Mystical Soul. It is so uplifting. Hearing spirituality told through personal modern experiences is better than reading the bible for me.

Wendy visited me on Thursday afternoon and we chatted for a while. She asked me to come swimming at her apartment this week sometime. I gave her the items I had purchased for one dollar apiece. She took most of them. She will pay me at the beginning of September when we get our Social Security.

I discovered these things called postys you can send online. You get to send a postcard with music and a poem. I got all into that last weekend.

Fardin and I still haven't eaten Indian food yet. He asked me to find a different restaurant because he passed by the one we were supposed to go to and it was empty and he figures maybe it is not that good. I found another one that is closer and where we can get 50% off with a coupon from the entertainment guide.

A group of people including family and friends is going to The Hollywood Bowl to see Willy Nelson next month on the 10th. I had really wanted to go the night they are having him with other people; but this should be fun.

Thanks for staying tuned

Tuesday I went to OliveView hospital outpatient gynocology and had a tough day of it. But in the end after being treated in an undignified manner I left with prescriptions that appear to be just the ticket to recovery. I went to the pharm on Wednesday and they told me I'd exceeded my max on drugs for the month so they are writng treatment authorization requests. I was told by the pharm today (Thursday) that I must return to the hospital and get one drug there. That is a bother because the facility is in a mountainside and is difficult to access by public transit. Oh well, I am still happy they are assisting me.

Yesterday after going to the pharm I went to the funny farm. Or a local drop in center where I feel comfortable sometimes. I enjoyed myself immensely because everyone seemed very happy to see me and I felt like a queen. They were holding a chili cookoff and so we each sampled 5 types of chili. It was festive and crowded there.

I am still experiencing insomnia. But it is intermittant. On Tuesday night I fell asleep around 8pm and slept until 7a.m. That was so nice. But last night it was a wash since I couldn't sleep until 6:30 a.m. and I received a phone call and woke up at 9:30. I don't feel terrible; but I feel a bit dizzy. I hope this is not hypomania. I have been depressed lately which is due to life circumstances and the lack of Lexapro for 5 days. So today I decided to take all my drugs in the a.m. I cut the Lamictal in half so it is 50 mg now because I am worried that it is overstimulating me. I should phone the clinic today. I kind of wanted to sort it out myself. Sometimes life changes can screw up my mood or functioning. I don't want to be medicated out of feeling these experiences.

I am letting go of Will the great no show. I let go of two friends that were causing me grief due to what I classify as mysogyny. It is proactive to end so called friendships which ruin your self esteem. It was all about body image more specifically eating issues and weight issues. Some people including women don't value a woman unless she fits their definition of physical beauty. Of course Victor is gone and I have mixed up feelings about that. He may be in jail; I have no way of knowing anymore. So negative or not it is still a loss I am mourning. I don't know if I am burning my bridges or being healthy.

I have one friend that seems to be fading into the distance. I think this is her choice not mine. She doesn't identify with depression and I don't identify with psychosis and loss of sense of self. I also don't understand the occasional recreational drug use. Even a diet drug or a pain killer can be recreational when you have a chemical imbalance. This makes her high and a little psychotic.

I applied for federal student aid and received a speedy reply that I probably qualify to only have a $1,700 contribution to my education which means that I won't have to ask for much of a loan. That has made me pretty elated. Why didn't I do this sooner?!

I saw a request for submissions for a women's magazine on a blog on moodswing.org and I want to submit. I worry about my main peice of fiction being too graphic. I have only submitted it once. They are specifically seeking works of fiction and nonfiction etc from women who have mental illness.

They fixed my kitchen sink yesterday so I have tons of dishes to do. It is a positive though.

Sorry, but no joy today.

I got this comment on my blog a couple of days ago that pierced my soul. It said something like these poems suck and you should go commit suicide. What shit! I deleted it and fired off an angry e-mail to the monster that wrote it; but the letter came back mailer daemon. Maybe that is mispelled. But it was quite a relief that they did not receive it. Such bad karma. I was afraid I might get kicked off of here if I wrote that.

I am in again today. I am quite sad. Tori Amos is playing in the background. Will keeps writing and forgetting to make an effort to show up. I wrote him an angry e-mail yesterday and said that I felt that it is as if I am sending up smoke signals and beatiing a drum on a distant mountain. So I think instead of this continuous tease I am going to end it with him. His actions are telling. I feel like I am his prisoner and on occasion he remembers to slip me some food.

I heard a radio special yesterday about the life of Jimi Hendrix. It made me sad to hear how he od'd on sleeping pills. Was he manic and couldn't sleep or was he depressed and just done with it? I also remember when Kurt Cobain passed. I completely understood him wanting to check out.

I didn't get to go to the poetry meeting over the weekend. I couldn't sleep until 6:30 a.m. So I slept until 10:30 a.m. and felt pretty miserable. I haven't seen friends or family since last Tuesday and haven't been out much either. I have been maintaining contact by phone though.

I don't know if I explained that I fired my case manager/therapist. I did it because she disrespected me when she did not return my call about Victor. She called the day of my appointment when I didn't show up and yelled that we had an app. and that she was planning on discussing the issue during our session. She had told me to call her between sessions if I ever needed support. So I lost trust in her. I guess she taught me how to set up boundaries. She reccomended that I break off friendship with three individuals I knew because of their dysfunctional behaviors and was hinting that Will was not really all he presented himself to be. I am glad that she clued me in to people's b.s. and that I deserve better. But now what? I am growing stronger in ways and feel weaker in ways too.

Today I am waiting for the plumber to show up and repair my kitchen sink. I haven't been able to use it for about 5 days. They don't have emergency maintenance here so it was postponed for a while. This feels kind of slummy.

I feel hungry and cold because of hypoglycemia; but I am tired of having to eat every two hours. It gets old.

My meds are screwy right now because I have missed a few doses of Lexapro. I ran out and will get more tomorrow. I haven't felt well enough to go get it.

I am applying to Antioch University

I spent a long time last night writing an essay for my application to Antioch University in Culver City,California. I still haven't submitted the online application yet because I must wait to get the $60 app. fee. That is finally a move in a positive direction. I thought maybe I could tie in creative writing with psychology to form a degree that would enable me to work with special populations like abused people or people with mental illnesses.

Today is Friday and I had plans today that I don't know if I will be able to carry out because of the pain. My sister told my mom that she just started taking Sarafem for Prementstrual Disorder (it is actually called PMDD but I forget what the letters mean). That drug is actually Prozac. So I am going to try to get Prozac. I think that a Gynocologist might be hesitant to give me that because I am taking other antidepressants and they are not specialists in how to titrate these drugs. But I will try to get it anyhow on Tuesday when I go to Olive View Gynocology. Perhaps I won't need a surgery after all. Today it is hard to go up and down the stairs in my apartment because of the pain.

I actually stayed up all night last night. I was up till 4:30 a.m. That reeked! I made the mistake of taking Lexapro at night and I think that caused it. Before the Abilify was strong enough to make me sedated at night despite the Lexapro; but now with less Abilify I must begin taking the Lexapro in the morning.

I need to get to the pharmacy today. I could have them deliver possibly. I am going to call and ask for in-home supportive services which is a needs based program where they have a caregiver come and do chores for you if you are disabled. Somedays I can't do chores or run errands. I could use a ride to the dollar store sometimes or to a healthy/gourmet store that I can't get to by bus. It is a program offered by county social services.

I did not go out with the man from the meeting who asked me out eventhough he said it would be platonic. He is 50 and I am just not interested in him. I could go out with him just for fun; but I can't decide. I am not seeing Fardin today because he had something he had to do today. That seems to be how it is going for me lately. It actually worked out fine that way because I am sick.

I was supposed to go on an interview today with a company that hires teacher's assistants to go into homes and work with autistic children; but I decided I am not up to it. It pays $12 and up and is part time. I wasn't sure if they were going to demand that you have a car or not.

I want to talk to my supervisor about starting a club which is purely for fun. I used to run a club like that in the 90's and I enjoyed it. We would go bowling, to movies, play board games,etc. We could just meet at a restaurant and then go places together.

My mom just called and she just purchased a timeshare to a series of campgrounds and vacation rentals in the U.S. and Europe. She gets 10 free days and then she pays $49 per night after that. She wants me to invite friends to go on vacations with us. That sounds really neat. I can't wait!

I signed up on Yahoo personals. I have three responses so far. I am having fun with that. One guy asked me out for coffee at Starbuck's and I wrote him back to say that Sunday would work for me.

I am going to the poetry meetup at a local cafe tomorrow at 3:00. They e-mailed me and said that six other people are going. I must get 10 copies of each poem I want to share. This should be interesting. I will try to pick poems that are not that morose. I really hope that tomorrow is a healthier day for me.

Slept all Day

It is 4:24 in the afternoon and I slept from 9-12a.m. and then from 12:30-3:30 p.m. I have a lot of pain today and I took 8-500 mg tablets of Tylenol. The pain hasn't budged.

I went to the victory clubhouse on Monday to go to the Schizophrenics Anonymous Meeting. The topic of discussion was how do you relate to a higher power. So I shared and it made me feel better. A few members said that they pray and feel they receive an answer. I shared that I pray to angels as intermediaries of God and receive answers to my questions. I explained that I had discovered that people haven't been doing what I want them to do lately. They haven't been there for me. And the idea that came was what am I doing to bring about happiness into my own life? Why wait around for others to bring me happiness? A member shared that if a situation seems wrong or he is confused about how to handle it he extricates himself from the situation and lets God handle it.

I have been stood up by a few friends lately and I have begun thinking that I must widen my social circle. I am considering going to a poetry meetup on Saturday. That would be a way to meet people with similar interests but not on a negative commonality.

I went to see the movie Little Miss Sunshine and it was really good. Before that my mom and I went to Marmalade Cafe to eat breakfast and is a really cute place. I felt depressed later on when the pain returned and I also felt sad about Bob passing.

I went to my new shrink wrap session on Monday and he heard my story and decided to take my off of the Abilify. So little by little I will get off of it. This month I will only take 5 mg. of it. I have been on 10. Next month I will stop it when I run out of 5's around the 11th. I am happy about that. The Lexapro and the Lamictal are staying the same.

Last night after the movie I went to my meeting. I was depressed and in pain but I still forced myself to go. A member asked for resources on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I gave them to her. Another member discussed the problem he has with buying shoes and I told him that my mom and I had gone to a shoe store where they measure your feet on a computer and they also make orthotics. Another member was also interested in that. A member mentioned that he had had a hypomanic episode where he just got a few hours sleep and then he was able to get up and accomplish a lot of things. That was actually a positive experience because he has been depressed for 3 years. A member gave us a job referral for the company she works for where they make phone calls to people to ask if they would like to take a survey and receive money to come in and do a focus group. It only pays $9 an hour and it is not that easy for me to get to by bus but maybe someone else will use it. I calculate travel time into whether or not a job is feasible. Some jobs even if they are only 5-8 miles away aren't feasible because of the the bus routes. A member asked if I would like to have coffee on Thursday night so I agreed and I hope I feel up to it then. I might see if he wants to go on the Big Bear trip which begins on September 11.

I am supposed to go to eat Indian food with Fardin on Friday at 11:00 a.m. By the time we reach the restaurant it will be 11:45 or so. It is a place that has a buffet at lunch. I haven't seen him in a while because he has had the flu.

I got a response from the church about holding a ministry for disabled people at the church and they said that I should bring it up with the pastor. I had also asked how old the people who attend the adult singles are and she said 30-50 or something like that. Now that I am thinking about it might be better not to be segregated by disability. I have a friend who doesn't associate with people who are not mentally ill. I don't want to be sucked into that mentality where I just stay working for this agency and only know people who have these issues. I think this is a good program but it is meant to be a jumping off point into society as a whole.

If I can bring myself out of this cave tomorrow then I will go to a nearby community college and enroll in Child Development. I can take 6 units in short term courses 3 for two months and 3 for the next two months. That would give me thirteen units and I need 12 to do most jobs in this field. These two courses are only held on Saturdays and they are all day classes. I wouldn't be able to go the advisory board meetings anymore so I couldn't continue to get paid for my job (the Tuesday night meeting). I would miss the money; but not the advisory board.

Resurgence on the horizon

I wanted to thank spiritual emergency for the kind resource about the website. I found the site helpful and interesting.

Will started e-mailing on friday night to ask if we could get together on Saturday. So then we e-mailed a few times on Saturday with the same theme and it never turned into anything. He doesn't have any minutes left on his pre-paid cell phone and I wrote him about pre-paid home phone service and lifeline phone discount for the low income and he wrote back that people are too attached to land lines and that he had just called me from his computer. When he called I din't hear anyone speak and all I heard was static. I just hung up. That was Saturday night and I haven't e-mailed him nor has he written me. I am pissed off about it. This guy wanted to live with me recently and I am starting to think that he wanted a mama to cook and clean for him and give him shelter. So I am disappointed.

The room for rent in Long Beach fell through too. She said that she doesn't need a roommate currently. So I guess I am disappointed in that too; but I started thinking last night that I really could just reinvent myself here. As I have said before: "Wherever you go there you are".

I am going to an appointment in about one week at Olive View Gynocology dept. to see if they will perform a surgery on my ovaries. That will be the beginning to my return to health. Without my health I cannot work or finish school. My mom is accompanying me there.

I applied at Petco which is a pet food and supplies store that offers pet services in certain locations. I applied for assitant pet groomer. They train you and offer benefits even for part-timers.

I wrote to a local church to see if they would be willing to start a disabled ministries group. They minister to many different groups but they offer nothing for disabled members. I really would like to start a social group for disabled people possibly at a church. But I don't know if they would restrict it to Christians. I could earn more money with Project Return if I had a second club. A church would be a way to pull in members. I could earn possibly $56 more per month that way.

I noticed on the church website that they offer services such as turoring and social services to the community and I am going to call to see if they need volunteers.

My phone battery died and I currently have no phone in my house so I feel cut off from humanity. I might go to the clubhouse and use the phone there.

Robert Riffle Rest In Peace

Bob Riffle was my step-sister's father. He played a part in my life too because she has been a part of my family since I was three. When I knew him he lived in Houston; but apparently over the years he moved to Florida. I hadn't spoken to him in many years since my (step)sister stopped speaking to him. She got a call from him a night or two ago and he didn't leave a message. She didn't answer because apparently he was an alcoholic and she didn't know if he was calling drunk or not. Anyhow I tried to contact him through e-mail a few months ago and got a response from a woman he had collaberated on a book with. She said she hadn't spoken to him in years. So that left me with a dead end. My sisters didn't know that I had tried to contact him.

I don't remember the alcoholism. I remember that we watched a lot of MTV when it first came out and had a lot of videos on it. I remember his partner being perhaps schizophrenic and sitting in a dark room and constantly watching footage from the Nazi Holocaust. So my sisters and I watched those too. Once Bob drove to the farm I grew up on in Texas and he brought along Randy his partner and Randy pulled out a revolver from the glove compartment. He was paranoid that someone might commit a hate crime against them. We laughed when that happened. When I was ten or so Bob took my sisters and I to the drive in where we watched the Exorcist. That really freaked us out.

Bob gave my sister all of his Beatles collection on LP and also some Cheykovski and Bethoven. So when we got back to our farm (where there was not a lot on the radio) we played those ad nauseum until we had memorized them. Bob had a grand piano in his living room and enjoyed playing it. I remember one year he left up the Christmas tree up all year long. Once it flooded while we were staying at his house and we went swimming in the street where we could see the top of a volkswagon beetle sticking up out of the water.

Once he took us to Herman Park and we went to the zoo. He said he would buy each of us a treat to eat. I couldn't decide between cotton candy, popcorn, or something else and I threw quite a fuss about it. What a little piggy I was being.

I heard that he published books about tropical plants had travelled a lot. I regret not being able to re-connect with him.

Full Moon Crazy

Tonight is a full moon and I feel a shift in the universe. My universe in particular. Does that make any sense?

Yesterday I saw my mom and she mentioned a friend who lives in Long Beach and owns a house who might want to rent out a room to me. So I thought that that sounded exciting. I am still intrigued. But what she doesn't know is that Will has been asking to live with me here at my apartment. I would honestly rather move into another apartment with him. I would like to live in a 2+2 apartment instead of this studio + loft. I have one bath upstairs and it is inconvenient. Anyway, I don't feel ready to live with him yet because I just got out of a relationship. When I mentioned to Will that they will raise the rent here and demand that he gets on the lease he didn't say much. I don't know if he can afford to pay me half of all household expenses right now because he doesn't have a job. So I am seriously considering asking about renting the room in Long Beach.

Long Beach has more going on than the valley I live in I think. They are their own city, not the city of L.A. They have lots of libraries and they have a Cal State University there. Plus they are right on The Pacific Ocean. I have this dream of living somewhere where I can bicycle on a path. And they have bike paths by the beach. They have better transportation than here and more nightlife.

I got a little sad when I read about the heat advisory in a small city where my dad and stepmom live in Texas. I guess I am worried about them and I miss them.

I went to the concert at The Skirball and we saw an Appalacian group and a group called "I see Hawks in L.A." They are a very good country rock band. I want to get their cd.

Yesterday I saw a movie called "Quincenera." It was so good! A real surprise and very complex. I thought that it would be sweet like cotton candy; but there was a huge story other than the girl's fifteenth birthday party. I highly reccomend it.

I ordered the book I wanted off of Amazon.com called "Saving Fish From Drowning" by Amy Tan. Now the task of reading it. I would like to take a trip either by car, bus, or train up to Central or Northern California. I want to travel because I get to read more when I travel. I also would like to stay in a hostel near San Francisco. I found one that has cabins and is on a farm. It looks very pretty. I was thinking that Will and I could rent a car and go for 2-3 days. I don't know if we can afford it though. We may have to wait until October.

I facilitated my meeting last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. I had three members show up and we were giving each other a lot of resources. I was telling people about the Goodwill employment program that offers training and the Jay Nolan Vocational Program. They also offer training. I also gave a flyer from the local art house movie theater to a senior citizen in our group because they have $4 for seniors on Wednesdays. I gave them info about free concerts at the Skirball on Thursday nights. One member who is 50 years old said that he is concerned that his elderly parents will die in the next 5 years and he will not want to live alone. He will most likely inherit their house; but wants someone to live with. Also he is concerned about having a way to support himself. I had given him a job referral the last time I saw him and he is going to follow up with it. He is going to check out the Independent Living Center of Southern California to see if he can go to their roommate socials. There he may be able to hook up with someone to share housing with. He gave us a tip about a coffee house in Studio City that is a good social thing and he told us that Toluca Lake has a lot of cool gifts and hot apple cider at Christmas time. He explained that adult classes at the parks and community extension courses at colleges are good ways to meet people. He also entertained us with info about Central Casting which is the place to go if you would like to be a movie extra. He is a movie extra and told us that you get paid minimum wage and work long hours. Your work day could go from 6 a.m. to 1 a.m. He said they have excellent free food there the entire time. One member is repeating a basic computer class for the second time. I think he needs a special program for disabled people because he is really struggling. Another member said he left his car running while he was inside of a meeting. He thinks this is partially due to the Depakote he is taking. I wish I knew more about the new memory enhancing drugs they are offering. I am not sure if they have put them on the market yet.

When I saw Will on Saturday night he was very late. He asked if I would cook him dinner and said he would be here at 7 p.m. So I cooked dinner and waited until he called at 7:30 p.m. and said he was still in San Pedro. I was pissed. So I ate and he didn't show up until 9 p.m. He ate then and he liked the food. But I couldn't really enjoy myself for a while because I just don't trust people who pull that stuff. He said he had to work; but he should have left work in time to get here on time. It is like the first time I saw him and he had me waiting for an hour past our meeting time. I am beginning to question why he is in such a hurry to live with me. Is it just convenient? I think he doesn't really know where he is headed. He is considering moving to Seattle still. But I don't want him to feel like the only way he will stay in this city is to get set up at my place. He said that his mind goes in many directions at once so maybe he is ADD. He has had me pay for everything when we go out and I guess that is because he has to drive a long way and gas is so high; but I don't like the supposition that I have money to burn. He gets money from the Veterans Administration because he served in the army; but I don't know how much he receives. He expects me to take him out for his birthday on the 17th. I hope I have money then.

Blah Blah Blah...

I am back and ready to blab on some more. I am feeling happier today. It is Friday and I might get to see Will this weekend. I cancelled my swimming party due to lack of enthusiasm from my friends about it. I had one friend in particular that kept begging me to have it. I told him that I would not be having it because I am too ill currently. The pain went away after I took 3000 mg of Tylenol. So I got a big burst of energy and motivation and started cleaning my apartment. I put on Nirvana's Nevermind CD and that helped a lot.

I am going to the American music concert on Sunday with my friend Annette at The Skirball Museum. I am really looking forward to that. There will be Appalacian music, blues, country, folk and Tex Mex. It is a five hour concert but we won't stay that long. We have had much cooler weather here the last few days. It has only been in the 80's.

I began thinking about the trip to San Diego again. I haven't told anyone; but my mom and my sister kept referring to me as Brenna. She is my sister's daughter who is four years old. And at other times they would refer to her as my name. This happened repeatedly! I became really down about it. I resent that. What am I four again?
Also, while my sister and I were talking over dessert at Denny's she explained that she had told my mom that one reason that my mom shouldn't move to Texas was that I am here and what would I do if she were to leave me here by myself? So I got the feeling that this had factored into my mom's decision not to move to Texas. I think I have to have a talk with my mom about this. When I told her that I might move away from this area, if not to another state, she was upset and made a comment about Will being more sincere this time around. I don't want to be controlled by her anymore. It seems like ever since I was last in the hospital in '92 she has lorded over me on all fronts. I don't feel she is my greatest supporter. I just had to vent about that.

I am considering travelling to Mexico again to study more Spanish. I don't think that the political atmosphere is right right now to go; but soon when their election has been settled I would like to go. I went in 1991 and learned a lot of Spanish. I also would like to open a business on e-bay and would like to see if I can import Mexican products to sell here. It would cost about $1,200 to go. I just learned that if you are on SSI that there are new rules for being evaluated for student loans. These rules just kicked in last month.
So I am going to apply again. I also read one time that they have special small business loans for people with disabilities. So I will do some research online about it.

I hate feeling this way. Depressed that is. I fell into a depression on Tuesday. I stayed home all day. Today is Wednesday and I don't feel any better. I didn't go to the jazz concert as there were no takers. I feel like quiting the meeting.

I got a call yesterday about a resume I e-mailed a company that works with developmentally disabled people. They asked me to interview today but I couldn't go because I am too sick. I am having pain and fatigue too. So I feel like a loser because of that. I am not sure if I am staying in the area I live in or if I will be moving soon. I need to find a new mental health clinic but if I am moving I might as well not get started with another therapist.

I am having fears about my condition affecting my new relationship. He doesn't know that I am prone to depression and I don't think he would like it if I lived with him and didn't have a job.

I went to see my friend the other day at her board and care and we mostly stayed in her small room because she was sick to her stomach. I only stayed two hours because we couldn't go anywhere. It takes about an hour and a half to get there so I wasn't pleased to learn that she was sick when I got there.

I could really use someone to talk to but I don't trust the workers on the friendship line. That is a toll free number you can call to speak to a peer about non-crisis issues. I had a friend that used to work there and she didn't maintain confidentiality about her callers.