The Joy of Madness

Thrilled to Pieces

Hey I just wanted to thank Sarah for such a nice comment! I am so happy that someone actually reads me. Maybe I can get a few readers here.

I went to my clinic this week on Thursday for therapy and it turned out I was supposed to have been there Wednesday instead. Then I went to see my physician today and he turned me away because I was a half an hour late. I was supposed to have a physical for the day program I am supposed to be starting soon. I have to go back to the dr. on Tuesday. Bummer. I went in the rain and everything. It takes over an hour by bus to go to that dr. So I have been striking out a lot lately. I tried to go to leather crafting at the clubhouse yesterday and it was cancelled due to lack of interest.

I made this casserole that I used to make a lot called tamale pie and I am not thrilled with how it turned out this time. I have to get a microwave. When I was in the hospital and my mom went to pack my things to move them out of my last apartment; she decided not to bring certain things. She said the microwave was too dirty. I am irked about some of the things that are missing from my belongings. I was recalling some of my jewelry that is gone. I had a necklace with a baby phat cat on it and a ring with a big turqoise stone. Some of my wall art is gone too.

I called a friend the other night and she said that she was right in the middle of a printing project and couldn't speak to me. I haven't heard from her since. Who knows what is up with that.

I am going to eat with another friend tomorrow at Sizzler. We usually get the salad bar. On Sunday I am going to Canoga Park to visit a friend in her board and care and we will watch a video. I bought Delovely, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and Man in the Moon. I borrowed Amelie from my mom. I don't know what she'll be in the mood to watch.

While I was living in the board and care in Altadena I went to a hamburger stand and a man asked me to eat with him. I wasn't on my medication entirely and was still a bit delusional. I thought that I was Martin Luther King Jr. reincarnated no kidding. LoL. Well anyway this guy gave me his phone number and really expected me to call him and told me about a job I could get in Pasadena. He had no clue that I was high as a kite. I wasn't that into him. But there was this sweet guy who worked at the board and care named Angel who I really do miss. I haven't got the foggiest idea how to contact him though.

My mom's house sold like a hotcake! She will be moving by the end of May if not sooner. Wow where does that leave me? I am excited for her; but I will not have any family here except for a cousin. I am considering moving back to the great state of Texas. I mean I really don't have anything going for me here.

I didn't say it before but I cut my own hair off while I was manic. I cut it really short. I am pretty embarassed about it. I got a trim for the first time since January the other day. I had to get it shaped into some style. It is still really short.

You know while I was in the hospital in October I really believed that I had been put in pergatory. I felt I knew everyone. I thought I was dealing with friends who have already passed away. It is really bizarre. I guess I am most ashamed of losing my other apartment and being verbally abusive toward my mom while I was sick. I don't know if my relationship with her will ever quite be the same again.

Not Today; Maybe Tomorrow

Today I think I will just hibernate. I actually went to church on Thursday and didn't really get into it very much. I didn't know the songs and just felt really out of place. Then on Sunday my friend invited me to her church and I went. I regretted it though because Sunday School was about Hinduism and how Hindu people should be witnessed to so that they can convert to Christianity. That was not a good lecture. It seemed very closed minded and taught ignorance. The sermon was on forgiveness. It was okay but I still felt awkward when the pastor began referring to people as false Christians. I won't be going back there.

After the church service we went to the zoo. We walked a lot and looked at a few animals but it all seemed to go quickly. We were supposed to visit my friend's friend at the mental hospital but we never made it there because we got lost. I was glad because I don't know her friend and it would have been awkward to visit a complete stranger in the hospital.

I just don't feel like the same person I used to be. I am quite lost and don't know where to go with my life. I wish I had goals or at least some fun plans.

Good Friends We've Had; Good Friends We've Lost

Well I finally got my computer hooked up to dsl again and I am renting a studio apartment for $600 per month. I don't know how I will survive here with that rent but I will just have to get by. I am kind of devastated still over the events of the past six months. I am in a depression. I am isolated and am thinking of going to a day program to have somewhere to go all day.

I must say that it all could have been avoided if I had just taken the medicine like it was prescribed. I have recurring thoughts of all the delusional thinking I have had. It is not fun to remember it all. I need more therapy than I am being offered.

I am trying to get it together to go to church on Easter; but I probably won't go. I was with my mom today and she asked me if I just sit at home all day. I didn't want to talk to her about that in a restaurant. She picks the worst things to bring up when we are sourrounded by people.

I can't seem to find things to do during the day. I go to visit friends some days; but honestly I am not the most talkative person lately. I feel like my family dumped me when I became ill. Maybe they dumped me a long time ago. My mom is moving to Texas and her house is actually on the market now. It feels really strange to see her moving away. She is considering buying me property there so that I can move there too. I really don't have a life here. I am sorry that my blog is dismal today.