The Joy of Madness

Oot and Aboot

I just got back from seeing a movie with a friend. We saw Georgia Rule. I'll tell you it was nothing like I expected. It had issues which I really didn't want to be confronted with and I had an entirely different impression before I went. I thought it would be a light comedy/romance/drama but it was a little sad and twisted. My friend really enjoyed it. I haven't been that thrilled with movies lately.

Before the movie we went to dsw shoe store and I got some shoes and a wallet. I got a free tote bag because I signed up to join their discount club. After the movie we ate at the cheesecake factory. We were too full for cake though at the end. Boring huh?

Yesterday I went downtown to the central library which was kind of an adventure for me since I haven't been to L.A. by train in a while. I got some cds and a dvd. I also picked up a book called not for tourists guide to L.A. I really wanted to find a tourist guide to visiting Dallas; but didn't see one in that section. I had also wanted to find some dance music to play as I get going in the morning. I need something really peppy to make me move. So now I am kind of stuck on this house mix and this cd of Venga Boys. I also sometimes pop on Daddy Yankee to dance. I wound up checking out a Buddha Bar cd and it was very mellow. I was hoping that it would be a dance mix but since it doesn't have any info on the cover I just got it.

Tomorrow I am going to visit another friend in North Hollywood and we are going to go swimming in the pool at her building. We are also going to watch a movie. I am supposed to bring the copy of Hitch that I found at a thrift store. Or maybe that was a gift. Next weekend is her birthday so we are going to go to the beach. She likes Santa Monica Beach so we will go there. I need to go buy birthday gifts for my friends since two have birthdays this week.
I am thinking of buying jewelry and hair things.

I don't have a therapist yet since the last one resigned. I guess I just have to get well on my own. I am losing my dr. next month. I have been very naughty and have been taking 125 mg of Lamictal instead of 100 like he told me to. Also, I reduced the Carbemezepine by one extra pill as I am titrating off of it. I think he was working it way too slow and I am the one who has to deal with the depression on a day to day basis.

On Tuesday I am going to another interview for the transitional housing. Lord I hope they don't chew me up and spit me out again. I feel like humpty dumpty. I just barely got up off of the ground from the last interview. I feel like it is the damned parole board or something. I hope that after this that I get in there. One person I know of went into this building and was placed with a roommate who actually kept yelling at her to stop using the stairs so much. This lady couldn't handle her roommate and just left the program. I wouldn't have any alternatives if I got there and it turned out that I just couldn't hack whoever I am partnered with.

I went to see my friend Annie last Tuesday in Canoga and it was kind of upsetting. I felt like she really didn't feel excited about me visiting her. I ate lunch with her and then we went for a walk. I was hoping we would get a chance to talk; but the chance never arose. I left there with my stomach in knots. It takes me an hour each way on one bus and the trip was kind of a let down.

I hate how my days kind of bend one into the other and I can't recall what I've done in the previous week. I don't even know what I did last Wednesday. And I only have two things planned for next week. How can a person live this way with no purpose to their days?

I am thinking about doing some trips to museums during the week. I am not that familiar with ways to travel by public transit in this new area that I am renting in now. It is a bit of a struggle being in this little corner of town.

June 11th classes at the community college begin and I might take P.E. I wish I could figure out a new career to train for but right now I am not sure what that will be. I sometimes wake up and think why get up? I don't have anywhere to go. But I am sure that something will come along to break this monotony.

Confusion Sets In

I went to an interview for an independent living program yesterday which would put me into transitional housing and then into a section 8 apartment later on. They asked me a lot of personal questions and it was a difficult meeting. I left there very upset. They were asking me questions like "What do you do when you get bored?" I really couldn't answer that because that is all I am lately is just bored. They have this rule where you must be engaged in 20 hours of activity per week outside of your apartment. I can't begin to imagine right now what that could be for me. I am embarassed to admit it but I am staying home a lot lately. I hate it but I don't have anywhere to go during the week. I am in an extreme depression and my meds aren't really doing anything for me.

I took a break from writing this today and went to visit a friend. She is two buses away and we went out so I could eat lunch. She was just having iced tea. I ate Indian food. It was pretty good; but I prefer a different restaurant which is a little further away. Then after lunch we went to Balboa Lake which I haven't been to in a long time. It was very pretty there. At the restuarant my friend and I shared tales of how we are doing and how we deal with the anguish of the illness. Her mother just passed away and she is actually a bit relieved in a way because she felt that her mother was so judgemental and never really was warm with her. She doesn't have that nagging thought anymore that her mother will tell her that she should be doing this or that anymore. She said that she feels that I really don't want to move to Texas and that she knows that I feel a sense that I don't really please my mom. I may never have a job, husband, kids, house etc. These things are what most people consider healthy and successful. I don't fit into the materialistic view that you are only as good as your job or your net worth.

I am actually trying to find a a partial hospitalization program. I am going stir crazy in my apartment and it is not getting any better for me. So I tell myself that if I just do one for maybe a month or two then maybe I can find something else. This depression has got to go away.

My coffee's growing cold the roof is getting old...

All right folks I'm running out of titles. Much better today! Despite the fact the my week was rather slow and I stayed home for the better part of three days; I am feeling much happier today. My mom is away on a cruise and is all but moved. I mean her house is not hers anymore and her things have been shipped to Texas to go into storage for a little while. I was really down about it; but now I realize that I haven't been seeing her much for a long while now. I think I will be fine.

I was invited to a mother's day dinner at a church on Friday night. I know I don't have children; but it gave me somewhere to go. Pathetic huh? So it was only for women. The message of the ministry is that unity heals wounds. The mood in the room grew very emotional as different women discussed their relationships with their mothers and of course some were dealing with spending mother's day without their mothers due to the the mother having passed away. I know that time will come for me too.

So that was Friday and Saturday I went to a picnic which was an awards ceremony for the organization I used to work for and which helped me to recover in the past. They had a band from the clubhouse which played classic rock and the blues. It was very good music and they played music I love. I got to talk with some old friends and especially one good friend who I bugged with some stories of events that had been going on during the long period of time I was manic.

Today I am going to a movie with a friend. We are going to see The Ex. Now this ids not a movie that I chose; but it gives me a way to get out of my house today. The other deal fell through. I was supposed to see another friend for thrift shopping but she is dealing with some grief issues with the anniversary of her dad's death. Also her mom hasn't spoken to her in a few years.

I am looking into a program at a local social service agency that gives apprenticeships to study dental assisting. I also would like to volunteer with them. I could pass out clothing and food or whatever they need. At least that would get me out of the house.

Today I am going to make soyrizo with red potatoes. That is a product like chorizo but it doesn't have any meat. It is so good.

I wish I had some really spicy escapade to write about here but I just don't have any news to report. I increased the Lamictal a little earlier than I was supposed to because I couldn't stand the depression. It was only four days early though. So I think the boost is doing me good.

A Carnivorous Vegetarian

Ok where does that line come from? Ten points if you know.
Anyway I had therapy today and now I wish that I hadn't. I am a little more confused now than before. I couldn't formulate the words today. I am so tired from the Tegretol. I sat there like a space cadet. The sad part is that was the only reason I left my house today. I held in the tears all the way home. Nothing seems to be going right lately.

I saw a friend on Thursday and it was not a happy experience. She decided that we should meet at a cafe in Studio City and it was a longer ride on the bus than I had expected. I was very early because it was either I arrive early or late because of the bus schedule. I waited in the cold wind. It turns out that this cafe is all outdoor seating. So even after she arrived we had to sit outdoors. The cafe was full of entertainment industry people and I felt out of place. While we were having our coffee she started asking me about the size of my apartment and doesn't it get a litlle small for you sometimes? And she asked if I have a hard time making it off of my social security after I pay the rent. SHe asked where I had gotten my hair done and said oh yeah that beauty school is good. Then she said too bad you don't make more money because then you wouldn't be so bored you could just go shopping all the time. I felt she was patronizing and materialistic. Is it possible that I am simply not enjoying life in general now?

I went to a cinco de mayo party on Friday afternoon at the clubhouse and it was like where's the party? I was expecting music and dancing and food but there was no such thing. There were hardly any people there and the lunch was being delayed until 2:30. I was sad and went home.

The movie I went to alone yesterday was sad too. It took a long time to get there because it is at an independent theater that is not near me.

A friend said he would take me out to lunch soon and says it will be Taco Bell. Doesn't that suck? I don't know whether to go or not.

I don't have any plans for the remainder of the week. I guess this is just a low period in my life.

I am supposed to go thrift shopping with my friend on Sunday. The famous dollar table. Oh goody! I am bored by this. Does anyone want to trade lives with me? I could use some excitement in mine. I certainly was friendlier when I was manic. Now I am nothing but a vegetable.

My mom is supposed to bring me her food tomorrow. She can't take it with her so she doesn't want to waste it. I am really going to miss her.

Part of me wants to move to Texas and another part just wants to stay here and make things work. Either way my life has been decimated by the past year and I have nothing left here. I might as well have nothing going for me over there. Can you tell I need more Lamictal?

38

I had my birthday on Sunday and it was ho-hum. I went thrift shopping with a friend and we went to the dollar table they only have available on Sundays. I didn't find much; but did find a wrap for my shoulders made out out a bright orangish pinkish angora. I wore it to the bank this morning. I pinned it together in the center of my chest with a butterfly broche with red jewels all over it. After we went to the thrift stores we went to payless where we each bought a pair of shoes. We got a deal because we combined the purchase. Then we went to McDonald's where we ate sundays and other food.

On Saturday night I slept over at my friend Kim's house and we had a little slumber party. We danced to hip hop and raeggaeton music. Her 24 year old daughter was there and it was fun. We got up and had breakfast at none other than micky d's. I want to get a group of friends together to go dancing. We will have to find somewhere where older people can go. I want to dance to house again. I have this old tape of house music my friend made me in '89 that I often play when I shower. I love that music. It makes me remember better times.

I saw my mom yesterday and she said that she will be leaving her house for good on May 9th. That is bad for me and good for her. She is looking to purchase lake front property in Texas with 5 bedrooms. The house will be 275,000 or around there. That is outrageously cheap for L.A. terms. Her house here is selling for 7 hundred something thousand.

I am thinking of getting a job. It is crazy I know; but so is sitting at home all the time. I tried the day program and I really detested it. The art class was just drawing with a magic marker on on picture. They had true and false about meds and trivia on history and other topics. I couldn't really see myself fitting into the program there. I went to a lot of trouble to get into it too.

The job I am considering is doing phone surveys. I need the money. I have to pay a phone bill for the installation of my phone line in this guest house that I am renting and also for the dsl equipment. The bill is $145. Ouch! So I might apply soon. I don't have the money to get caller id and I keep getting stupid phone calls. Wrong numbers or recorded messages. I answer all the calls because I can't see who is calling.

I began speaking to a friend whom I have not spoken to since last Fall yesterday and she invited me to a movie today. I didn't go because I don't want to see any of the movies that are in theaters now. She is so cool because she remembered that it was my birthday but couldn't reach me on Sunday. I haven't had my answering machine hooked up. It is hooked up now though. I had too be creative in figuring out a way to connect that phone because there are not that many outlets here in my apartment.

I got my bookcases in here finally and they make the place look better. We emptied out the last of the storage and now I have even more stuff to put away or give away.

The owner of the property I rent has a small dog named Oso (bear) and the little thing is some kind of Chihuahua mix. He is reddish orange and is constantly finding something to bark about. But the back yard here is pretty pleasant. My mom wants to donate some patio chairs and a table. Maybe we will have a bbq this summer. Sooner would be better though.

Did I tell you about the day while I was homeless that I was sitting in the lobby of my mental health clinic and this other client comes up to me and says oh I love your hair it is just soooo David Bowie! She goes do you know who that is? I thought well duh how old do I look? But I go oh well this kid told me I looked like Chuckie. She goes oh that scares me and she got up and moved to the other side of the lobby. I'm sorry if I already told you that.

I was riding around in an old school bus full of women and their children as we travelled from church to church to sleep. We would be woken up at the crack of dawn with no chance to freshen up and be ushered out to the same bus to be shipped to a remote location to be on our way for another hellacious day. The minister who was doing this program believed that the women in our troop were widows of God. I am so glad to have a roof over my head again.

This is the year of my 20th high school class reunion and I am definitely not going. I have nothing to say other than how hard it has been just to survive mental illness. I am surprised that I am still alive after what happened last Fall. I will tell you the story in the next paragraph.

I had decided that the building I was living in was going to be bombed by Al Qaeda and so I got dressed in a mix of pajamas and warm atire and set out on foot for a few miles in the dark and then turned toward home and found myself being followed by a man calling out to me. I thought he might attack me so I got in the car with another man who had pulled over and asked if I wanted a ride. The driver asked where I wanted to be taken to and I said Chatsworth. He said Chatsworth?! I then jumped out of the car into the street and broke my glasses; but didn't break anything else. I hurt my knee a little but managed to get up and go to a Denny's not far down the block. I waited there until dawn. I left and went to a market nearby where I went up to the pharmacy and asked for help. I wound up handcuffed with my face on the floor and then placed in an ambulance. I went to a local er and then to metropolitan a notorious hospital which is quite far from my area. I wasn't treated well as can be expected of that hopspital and was put in solitary confinement quite a lot. But seriously I did get to meet Michael Jordan and B.B. King there. That was fun. Also we danced a lot outside on the small patio.

Believe it or not.