The Joy of Madness

Ignorance is Bliss?

A motley crew we were at the clubhouse today and oblivious to the outside world. The thing about people with mental illness is that we are usually people with exceptional intelligence and there is no ignorance and therefore no bliss. See when you are manic you are possibly blissful; but most of the time on meds you are so painfully aware of your deficits according to society and aware of how you might never quite measure up. There is no ignorance about the ways that professionals consider us either high or low functioning and there is no lack of questions from family and others about what we do with our spare time. My activities are mostly frivolous and are of no value to society. So today I write with a heavy heart as I realize that I have lost so many people ths past year possibly including my ex-husband who I have been friends with since my divorce.

My called a friend last night and she said that she is in a schizophrenic episode. She said that she has been in this state since we had coffee one night probably at the beginning of September. She can't go to temple for high holy days because she is talking to herself and when she is not doing that she is having a conversation with someone in her head. She is going to take a leave of absence from work and get state disability income for a little while. She has mostly been at home for two weeks now. I feel sad that she is so ill and I don't know if her having coffee with me that night had anything to do with her setback.

I have been procrastinating about getting a job. I was considering applying for a job at a department store; but then decided yet again that this was not the job for me. Maybe I just want to be lazy. I feel a sense of guilt though in not having an occupation. I missed the cut off dates for fall classes again. I mostly feel bored with my life. My Grandmother used to say that bored people are boring people. So I'm sorry if this is all a big yawn fest.

I am reading a book on developing your psychic powers. It is teaching me how to meditate. So far it has explained how to make a sacred space and which candles to use. It gives prayers to say to protect yourself and to bless your sacred space. I am very into this book. I also got a book my Julia Cameron on creativity. I think it is called The Golden Vein.

I checked out The Breakfast Club, a movie made in the eighties, which I really fell in love with. I think it is one of my favorites.

I did get to go to the memorial service of a friend who recently passed away. It was nice. I was happy that a friend had space for me in the car. I hate not having a formal way to grieve.

I saw a couple of movies in the theater recently. I enjoyed both of them. I saw A Death at a Funeral and it was very funny. I liked one of the actors that I had seen in Station Agent. Station Agent was very good. I also saw a movie last weekend called Sea of Dreams. It was what you might call magic realism and was very interesting. It had a pleasing look to it.

Many Happy Returns

I have moved again. Now I am sharing a two bedroom townhome with someone and I am in a better location for buses and shopping. I didn't think that I would like it that much here; but it has not been bad. My roommate can be a little nosy at times but I guess I can handle it.

I applied for a job working at this clubhouse which is run by the organization where I see my shrink. I actually got the job but then they informed me that I would have to move out of this apartment if I accepted the job. Apparently they see a conflict of interest with me living in their transitional housing and working within the same agency. So I had to turn down the job. I am a little upset about it because I thought that the job was a good opportunity. I think I will continue my job search. I guess there is a maximum amount I can earn and live in this building.

I have also been considering vocational school and they have rules for my building that say you can't get any kind of student loans for school while living here. There may a way that I can get dept of rehabilitation to pay for my school. I will have to see what happens. I was thinking about studying physical therapy aide and then assistant.

My mom came into town last week and I got to see her yesterday. We had a really good time. We went to the lake and saw lots of birds including a few cranes. They were very beautiful. I saw some friends at the lake and that was nice.

A friend of mine passed away recently. He was the director of this organization that I used to work for and he and I went to Japan together in 1997. He had some kidney trouble due to medications. I won't be able to go to his memorial this Sunday though because I can't find a ride. It is taking place in a city that is hard to get to because it is very far from here.

I finally got a new shrink and she increased my Lamictal and added Lexapro which is the combination that I had last year before I stopped taking my medications. I hope that this new combo will improve my mood.

I borrowed my mom's video camera so that I can finally film this documentary on housing and people with mental illness. I have a list of questions I want to ask participants and they aren't all related to housing. I don't know exactly who to submit my film to; but I will hopefully figure it out. I want to show how we live in varying settings and we have a wide array of personalitites and dreams. If nothing more I would like to submit it to be seen by people with mental illness and also to professionals and families. The ultimate goal though would be to have it shown to the public at large perhaps on P.B.S. or something. Just thinking about this film gets me excited. I have been wanting to do this for two years.

I met a guy on the chatline and we spoke on the phone for a while and decided to meet. But then he said he wanted to meet me at my house and soon after that he started asking to sleep over. I had to call off that meeting. I met another guy at the lake one day and there just wasn't any chemistry between us. I talked to one guy on the phone for an hour or so and he explained the law of attraction to me. The law states that you draw to you what you think about or talk about all the time. If you focus your attention on you lack of money then you will draw that to you. I found this fascinating. We spoke last week; but he hasn't called me back. So I guess easy come easy go.