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Today they said pee in a cup
test for drugs
lab in a box
the door
you don't lock
she said
I have to watch
as the urine flows into the cup
she said
you must do as we say
Terror Horror
flew into rage
trauma
memories of childhood
Heather, spread your legs
so I can check
what is between there
Privacy doesn't matter
you are reduced to an animal
Heather don't wear so much clothing to sleep in
or I will take it off of you by force
ALARM
footsteps approach
the door
I am attempting to sleep
but the nightmare
walks in and a physical struggle ensues
If I had had a gun
So this nazi bitch
social worker
says spread it and pee
I want to see
she sets me back
20 years of therapy
but I deserve safety
I am homeless
this action was a travesty
Do you see what I see?
I see Hypocracy.
I smell a scandal.
So I wrote this today because they did a drug test here at my transitional living this morning and Karen the social worker demanded to watch everyone pee into the cup. Apparently this is common for doing these surprise drug tests to ensure that no one cheats and uses some method of disguising there drugs in their urine. I told her that in no uncertain terms would I pee in front of her. She demanded to inspect the bathroom to see if I had anything hidden in there and I then locked the door and went into the cup. I understand that a lot of people actually allowed her to leave the door open in the bathrooms. I am so disgusted by this activity that I REALLY want to move and need to move now. They tested everyone in the entire building. What a waste of their money and my self esteem.
I called Client's rights and they told me that this was probably illegal and that I should call state licensing to see if they re licensed. I tried to reach them today; but the on duty worker did not return my call yet. I will try back tomorrow.
My therapist who is supposed to act as my advocate said that they were following protocol. So I will probably fire her. I went to see her yesterday and she cut our session short by 15 minutes. What a load of crap.
I made squash casserole tonight for dinner. It is a huge amount! Anyone wanna come over to share it? If you want the recipe hit me up.
I went to the feast at this other building nearby and it was kind of fun and the food was quite yummy. I got a full plate and then I took a piece of cherry pie home for dessert. Then on Wednesday I went to the clubhouse for their little dinner and saw a few old friends. Thursday my friend Tish invited me to her family's dinner. I had to get up early and get to her house about an hour away and then we were driven by her nieces to their house in The San Bernadino Mountains. It is an hour and a half away from here. So we watched Medea's Family Reunion and I really enjoyed it. We also watched some silly Christmas movie where the guy keeps reliving Christmas day with his ex inlaws. So I had a great time there. I would have been really sad if I had had to spend my day alone.
On Friday I went to get my livescan done for my job (fingerprints). Then I went to see a friend and we went to a store near her house she calls Paris and we had Armenian mushroom pizza and some chocolate mousse cake. Then I met a guy I had met online and it did not go well. He wanted to move much too fast for me. That part really brought me down. I will not be seeing him again.
I went to work on Saturday and did my client's laundry and some cleaning. In the afternoon after everything was done I watched Stranger Than Fiction. I think that is the name. It stars Will Farrell, Dustin Hoffman, Queen Latifah, and Emma Thompson. I loved it! It was so funny! I know I'm a little slow on the uptake seeing it now; but I have wanted to see it since last year when it came out. But there were certain movies I didn't get to see because I was in the hospital.
I am applying for housing in Hollywood. There are some buildings there for disabled people and I might be able to get permanent housing that way. I might only get a studio though. I faxed an application to one today and will go apply in person to another agency tomorrow. I guess I am going to bite the bullet and leave the area where I have resided for twenty-two years now. Hollywood is only a mountain away from my friends though.
Shame Shame Shame on me for buying a whole pumpkin pie all for me. Ok I will eat it slowly. I have already had it for one week.
Oh yeah, how could I forget? I went to church with my client last weekend and the pastor said the exact same thing as the last time we went. It turned my stomach too. It was about the rapture and you know the second coming of Christ and he spoke about the theory that we are supposed to accept as fact where everyone except for Christians are going to be killed. He especially kept referring to Jews who don't convert. He kept saying that people who do not accept Christ will perish. He believes that there will be another holocaust. He found many references to these ideas in The Bible. I was ready to barf after an hour or so of this talk. I don't like her church.
So I started thinking of looking into my Jewish side and going to Temple. I mean honestly there must be another way to worship God. I have never been to Temple; but I could start.
I decided to go to Texas to visit my folks on New Years Eve. I want to go on Monday and return on Friday so that I can go to work on Saturday.
I will get a half a day off on Saturday or Sunday this week because my client will celebrate her birthday at Disneyland. I will enjoy my day off. Maybe it will be on Sunday and I can go shopping with a friend.
Here I go again spouting off.
Today is Monday and mostly I am just resting after having worked over the weekend. I received my first paycheck on Friday and haven't spent that much yet. I was paid for three days and next time I will be paid for four days. A good deal of my time spent at work is just down time and I watch t.v. I get squirmy with that after an hour or two. On Saturday my client wanted to go recycle her goods and so I pushed her wheelchair with one hand and pulled the cart with the trash behind me. It was a very rediculous sight to see. I kept swerving her chair and I would have to stop and reposition her and let the cart fall behind. Saturday I cleaned her house pretty thoroughly and did her laundry. Sunday she sent me to buy her Taco Bell. I had to take a bus and then walk a mile to reach it. I got a couple of nice compliments on the way though. I got a compliment on my sweater cape and then on my lipstick. I enjoyed being out in the sunshine yesterday because she keeps her apartment dark and doesn't really open the blinds. Sunday there was less to do so I watched 3-4 hours of t.v. I had brought the dvd of Oh Brother Where Art Though and tried to get her to watch it with me; but she didn't seem very interested. I think next weekend I will try to bring books and magazines. Also, I would really like to take my radio with headphones.
The new meeting for people with bipolar never happned because the leader resigned. I am very disappointed and hope that someone will come through and take over.
I am listening to the soundtrack of Almost Famous because I guess I put it on when I am down. I was looking for Fatboy Slim; but came across this and felt it matched my mood better. I have been lying about Thanksgiving when people ask me who I am going to spend it with. I act like I have somewhere to go or whatever but I don't. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to a potluck down the street;but I won't know all the people there. I will go to smart and final in the morning and purchase some frozen mixed fruit and let it thaw. They have big bags of peaches, mangos,honeydew, etc. I think that eventhough for the most part I want to bow out of this I should go because otherwise I won't have any turkey this year.
I colored my hair cherry red and I look quite fabulous. I have gotten rave revues of my hair lately. My hair was auburn when I was younger. I am finally beginning to see a glimmer of hope for my appearance again.
So as the the world turns the seasons have changed and I have begun to feel the blues again. Just about a year ago I was still locked up at metropolitan hospital catching only glimpses of sunshine and dancing on the patio every chance I got. I spent Thanksgiving in the hospital too. This year is a hard because I have no one to spend the holidays with. I know I said that before; but I can't shake the dread of that realization.
My friends are beginning to get the blues too. This is a hard time. Maybe I will get some poetry out soon or hey maybe even a semblance of some story.
I wrote to a guy on craigslist and I liked his photo and he liked mine. The problem was that he is a model and I just got cold feet. I didn't feel adequate. So I am letting this opportunity go.
I am going to visit an old friend tomorrow. She is the one who lives in a board and care. I think it will be fun. It is just that at night I get kind of low on my mood and I can't stand the loneliness.
I turned in a sour survey at my m.h. clinic and wrote duh! when they asked if you had enough money to do fun things. I realized how depressing my life is when it asked if I see family or friends often. (Like every week) It seems that these days it is rare for me to get to see my friends.
They just played run dmc on the radio. It has been so long since I heard that song. That was really nice. I like that song that goes my addidas on the basketball court!
I went to the Central Library in downtown and had a blast. I took a bus to get over the hill by UCLA and then took a very slow bus down Wilshire Blvd. It seemed to take forever and indeed took two hours by the time I reached the library. I stumbled into the room where they have all the stuff like religon, history,and social science. I was looking for a book on Doreen Virtue; but couldn't find one. She writes books about angels. I got a book written by prominant women on spirituality. I then went to the art room where they had books on art and how to make art. I got a book on how to do leather crafts and another on how to make gourd crafts. I also got a book on making fancy jars for giving gifts like homemade cookies or jars full of all the ingredients you would need to make cookies. They have lots of recipes for different drink mixes you can create to make things like cafe mocha from sratch.
I started my new job on Saturday and it was rather laid back. I went in and she said the only thing needing taken care of was her laundry. I managed to find a few other things to do too. I cooked her lunch which was an egg salad sandwich. She cooked some onions and celery to add to the eggs since she doesn't like onions unless they are cooked. Sunday we went to her church. She knows a lot of people at her church and is very sociable. We got back to her house around 2p.m. I fixed her linguine with alfredo and beef sauce. She didn't have anything else that needed done after the dishes so I watched a video I had brought with me. I finally watched Ten Items or Less. It is really funny and sweet. I think there will be lots of dead time on this job. I hope that she has the energy to go out more often though. Because she hadn't received her money from her payee yet she didn't really have cleaning products and she was out of some food items.
Tomorrow I am going to Venice Beach with a group at a clubhouse near me. They are going to shop at the alley this week too. The Alley is a place in the garment district where you can get really good deals on clothes and other things. I might go but I will have to be on a budget. I will be paid on November 16th. I want to go to L.A. County Museum of art on November 13th because it is free that day. They have an exhibit of Salvador Dahli. I need to get over to UCLA extension to apply for my grant so that I can attend in Winter.
I applied for a college in New Jersey called Thomas Edison State College. I haven't heard back from them. I applied for financial aid and I have a expected family contribution of about $1,700. I guess that that is per year I don't know. Anyway the costs for this school are around $6,000 per year. I will probably be able to finish within a year and a half. Oh you take these courses online or through correspondence. I might be able to test out of certain courses which would allow me to finish faster. I want to major in Social Services for Special Populations. It sounds interesting and very much alligned with the types of jobs I have held in the past.
My friend and I went to a little Armenian shop near her house and got these little pizza type things with mushrooms and they were so good. They only cost 80 cents apiece. I bought some bread there that is like a sweet corn bread. We took photos of one another in front of this pretty fountain they have on the patio there and drank iced coffee. We pretended we were in Paris. Then we went next door to a clothing store and it was amazing. Before we went in my friend said "Let's see what their idea of fashion is." It was so much fun! I got a pink belt with rinestones on the buckle for 5 dollars. I also bought a $30 sweater cape. It is red with red and black fringe. I am so happy with it.
I have to get to my laundry. I have at least 3 loads to do. I actually have forgotten what my clothes look like.