February 12, 2004
Acceptance: the Key
My denial grew from his. For ten years, Daniel was unable to accept or even believe what doctors told him. Not that I blame him. Who would want to believe there's an illness eating your brain? And I loved him. So I didn't want to believe it either.
The denial didn't help matters. He didn't take his medication. We both suffered from his episodes.
Things weren't all bad. Daniel would have good and bad episodes intermittently. The good times were really fabulous.
But accepting a problem is the key to dealing with it. The first part of this key was accepting myself. You can't fix something that you think isn't broken. I had been broken for ten years before acknowledging it. When I did I began working on my denial. I accepted that I was a wreck, and I accepted that Daniel was ill. This made things easier for both of us. Being able to keep my own emotions intact helped a great deal towards getting him better sooner, and getting him to accept help.
I think he is still working on his denial issues. I'm trying to help where I can.
As part of the key, I had to learn to accept Daniel unconditionally. I'm accepting him now without trying to work on his problems for him. I am his partner; not his mother. Accepting him with his illness also translates to dealing with my other emotional issues better.
So my no turns to yes. And my broken, frozen heart has begun to thaw. It is a struggle every day to keep this up. But it is also strangely enough easier than trying to deny what is so obvious.
Because I accept myself, the problem and Daniel, I am able to deal fearlessly with whatever is tossed our way in this stormy sea. Acceptance is the key that unlocks the door to true joy and ultimate success.
The silent storm rages on, but sunshine seeps in on occasion. And that is good.
Posted by cathi at February 12, 2004 09:02 AM
Comments
hey cathi,
thats the way to go. acceptance is the key. as long as you resist, it will persist. know. let go...i wish the both of you all the best and an even happier future. take care. love puzli
Posted by: puzli at February 13, 2004 06:50 AM
Cathi,
Thank you for sharing your story. I have found it helpful and would love to have some of your thoughts on my current situation.
Here's my story as briefly as I can make it... I dated a man (coincidentally, also Daniel) for almost 7 mos. During that time he was diagnosed with SZ (at the late age of 38). He had experienced what he believed to be panic attacks off and on for years, but this was his 1st full-blown psychotic episode - which required an overnight hospitalization.
I stayed with him for a few months after the diagnosis. While overwhelming, it was relieving to have some behavior explained (more later). Well, long story short...even though it was explained, the behavior, not surprisingly, didn't change, and I ended things in early December. We have recently reconnected via email, and I'm struggling about whether or not to try again. Part of me says to walk away, but I know that I'm in love with him. And never having felt this strongly for someone in 34 years of life says a lot.
Here's what has been most difficult for me, and I'd like to know if you or anyone else you know in a relationship with someone with SZ has ever experienced this. Daniel is not originally from the U.S. but returned last yr. for engineering grad school (also went to undergrad here years ago), discovered how outrageously expensive housing is in Boston and decided to live with family in the area. So he lives with his brother, sister-in-law and 4-year-old nephew. (He has lived alone at other times in his adult life and really hasn't been this strongly affected by the illness until recently - at least that what he says.)
Well...in 7 mos. of dating, I never went to his home or met any family or friends. Nor do I have his home address...just a cell phone # and email address. (Could this be b/c of paranoia? which he has only recently alluded to for the 1st time...) He met my roommate many times and spent part of Thanksgiving with me at my friend's home, but, again not surprisingly, was not entirely comfortable in a social setting. There would also be times (up to 2 weeks) where I wouldn't hear from him (b/c he was having some sort of episode or just wasn't feeling up to it).
He very much wants to keep me separate from his experience of the illness. It's all so new for him, and he compartmentalizes SZ...and me. He feels a strong need to clearly delineate various boundaries in order not to feel overwhelmed. I know it's a coping mechanism for him. (FYI - I have a clinical social work background.) When his social, professional, emotional, etc. boundaries begin to overlap, he experiences chaos. While he can understand that I feel compartmentalized in his life, he also gets angry if I tell him that not being exposed to people in his life has me second guessing if everything he says is true.
I need to be good to myself, but I don't know that I'm ready to completely shut the door on him. Any ideas of baby steps or compromises I could suggest (or ways of making suggestions) that would let me into his life more yet safeguard his coping mechanisms?
Thanks for any thoughts you have. I really do appreciate hearing about your experience.
Peace,
Stephanie
Posted by: Stephanie at February 27, 2004 08:38 PM
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hey cathi,
thats the way to go. acceptance is the key. as long as you resist, it will persist. know. let go...i wish the both of you all the best and an even happier future. take care. love puzli
Posted by: puzli at February 13, 2004 06:50 AM
Cathi,
Thank you for sharing your story. I have found it helpful and would love to have some of your thoughts on my current situation.
Here's my story as briefly as I can make it... I dated a man (coincidentally, also Daniel) for almost 7 mos. During that time he was diagnosed with SZ (at the late age of 38). He had experienced what he believed to be panic attacks off and on for years, but this was his 1st full-blown psychotic episode - which required an overnight hospitalization.
I stayed with him for a few months after the diagnosis. While overwhelming, it was relieving to have some behavior explained (more later). Well, long story short...even though it was explained, the behavior, not surprisingly, didn't change, and I ended things in early December. We have recently reconnected via email, and I'm struggling about whether or not to try again. Part of me says to walk away, but I know that I'm in love with him. And never having felt this strongly for someone in 34 years of life says a lot.
Here's what has been most difficult for me, and I'd like to know if you or anyone else you know in a relationship with someone with SZ has ever experienced this. Daniel is not originally from the U.S. but returned last yr. for engineering grad school (also went to undergrad here years ago), discovered how outrageously expensive housing is in Boston and decided to live with family in the area. So he lives with his brother, sister-in-law and 4-year-old nephew. (He has lived alone at other times in his adult life and really hasn't been this strongly affected by the illness until recently - at least that what he says.)
Well...in 7 mos. of dating, I never went to his home or met any family or friends. Nor do I have his home address...just a cell phone # and email address. (Could this be b/c of paranoia? which he has only recently alluded to for the 1st time...) He met my roommate many times and spent part of Thanksgiving with me at my friend's home, but, again not surprisingly, was not entirely comfortable in a social setting. There would also be times (up to 2 weeks) where I wouldn't hear from him (b/c he was having some sort of episode or just wasn't feeling up to it).
He very much wants to keep me separate from his experience of the illness. It's all so new for him, and he compartmentalizes SZ...and me. He feels a strong need to clearly delineate various boundaries in order not to feel overwhelmed. I know it's a coping mechanism for him. (FYI - I have a clinical social work background.) When his social, professional, emotional, etc. boundaries begin to overlap, he experiences chaos. While he can understand that I feel compartmentalized in his life, he also gets angry if I tell him that not being exposed to people in his life has me second guessing if everything he says is true.
I need to be good to myself, but I don't know that I'm ready to completely shut the door on him. Any ideas of baby steps or compromises I could suggest (or ways of making suggestions) that would let me into his life more yet safeguard his coping mechanisms?
Thanks for any thoughts you have. I really do appreciate hearing about your experience.
Peace,
Stephanie
Posted by: Stephanie at February 27, 2004 08:38 PM