February 19, 2004
He Loves Me Not...
Or does he? One of the things that is hardest on the loved ones of a person suffering from schizophrenia is the sufferer's apparent emotional distance. The illness messes with a person's ability to show emotion in an appropriate way. And this often makes loved ones feel unloved and unappreciated.
The closer you therefore are to a mentally ill person, the more you suffer emotionally. Such suffering is especially hard to deal with because the illness is not constant. Suffering is therefore also not constant. At one moment the ill person could be love and light itself, while the very next day thunder looms on the horizon. And the silent storm begins.
How do you make him (or indeed her) see what this is doing to you? The sad answer is that you can't. The very nature of the illness disables the afflicted to truly understand what this is doing to those around them. No amount of talking or arguing can make much difference. Indeed, talking or arguing often makes things worse.
I have often thought that living with my ill husband and his child is like having to deal with two children in my house. But at least the kid will grow up!
Hard though it is, it is possible to find a safe haven within these silences and storms. One important thing to remember is that those with schizophrenia are not stable, and therefore no emotion attached to them will be stable. If you want stability, you'll have to find it somewhere else. And where better to look than within yourself? Below are a couple of suggestions for using your own spirit to create safety within the storm:
* Find things apart from the ill person to make you happy. If you don't have one, find a hobby you can be absorbed in. Make some friends, or get a pet, or read uplifting books.
* Connect with your spirituality. This can take any form from the traditional to the occult. You could go to church, meditate, pray, or find a spiritual leader whose ideals are meaningful to you. The purpose is to find a stable spiritual basis to keep you safe in the storm.
* Find simple things in every day life to feel positive about. The beauty of sunshine, the freshness of rain, or a child's smile could be examples. Concentrate on enjoying what your physical senses bring to you.
Doing things that make you happy without having to depend on your mentally ill loved one for this happiness will help you deal better with the pain when there is a relapse. If you're more stable, you can better provide your loved one with the environment that is needed for optimal mental health. So take the responsibility for making yourself feel good.
He does love me, even if it is hard for him to show. And I love him. But more importantly, I love myself.
Posted by cathi at February 19, 2004 08:08 AM
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This story is a reminder to what I have been going through the last four months. Mine has not been a husband, but a boyfriend. He moved in with me at the beginning of November 2003. He went off and stabbed me in December, again in January and February. He has totaled my car, blacked my eye, busted my mouth. He escaped from my home where they put him on home incarceration. I have lost my home over the problem and have almost lost my job. I am not one to turn my back on him, but I am at wits end with it. I care very much for him, but I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I just spoke to his counselor and was informed that they are not advocating anything more for him because of all he has put me through. Now I feel like it is my fault he is not going to get the help that he needs. He constanty tells me that he loves me, and really cares about me, then he has the days that he tries to kill me. I have lost several friends because I want to help him. I do not know what I need to do now. I am so confused. I feel like everything that has happened to him lately is my fault. He has never really been in trouble with the police until now. Why have I turned on him or have I? I know I cannot fix anything, but I want to help. No one has ever tried to help him in anyway, until I came into the picture. Now that I have tried, he is into trouble and is losing what little help he had.
Posted by: Johnny Grooms at February 24, 2004 08:11 PM
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so sorry to see that you're going through such a rough time. I'm sending you an email with some resources that may be of help.
Posted by: Cathi at February 26, 2004 08:13 AM
May God make Johnny Groom situation better.
Helping a SZ person is not easy.Perhaps we are ordinary man,weak and powerless if compare with God`s greatness.No blame for you if you leave him.
Posted by: yap chin haw at March 1, 2004 02:21 PM
Unfortunately, I can be that guy sometimes. So I'll tell you from the inside, it's not that we don't realize the harm we do. On the contrary, we go for max harm when in that state, I think, and it's an all-ou lashing out with a taste for tragedy. I feel sorry for you having to deal with it. I don't think there's a solution for you; I've decided not to get into relationships anymore, because of this.
There's more to life than relationships, right?
I saw a movie with a line that made me laugh and laugh. A guy said "women? I became indifferent when I was 83" I'm 38, but I'm with that guy.
Posted by: ONDERDONK at March 3, 2004 08:45 PM
Thank you so much for this comment. I think it is tragic when this type of thing destroys a person's chances of a successful relationship. But you are right - there is more to life than being in love. I commend your understanding of yourself, as well as your ability to live your life as you feel is necessary. I wish you the best with the challenges you face.
Posted by: Cathi at March 4, 2004 08:24 AM
We are in the process of getting my husband diagnosed. First will be a psychometric testing. I just hope to goodness the proper diagnosis will be found, because living like this is difficult. I was encouraged by your He Loves Me (Not), Cathi! I will take that to heart. Having support means a lot.
Thank you!
Posted by: Day at March 7, 2004 01:27 AM
Thank you for your comment! I'll be thinking of you in this difficult time, and the difficult times ahead. I am glad I could encourage you. Feel free to comment here or email me whenever you need support.
Cathi
Posted by: Cathi at March 10, 2004 06:07 AM
my husband of 27 years says he loves me but that he is not in love with me .what is he saying!
Posted by: theresa gonzales at June 7, 2006 04:18 AM
Take tonight as an example:
Two days ago, he was so in love with me. We had fun on Sunday. Went to the fair, won some stuffed animals, watched hypnosis... Then I don't know what in the world happened...
I had this idea that something...something must be the trigger for the complete disconnection. Trust me; I kept track of his days. Everything he did every day.
What happens to him...Who does he talk to? Why does he turn on me, like a pit bull or chow?
Posted by: angelic at August 3, 2006 08:28 AM
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This story is a reminder to what I have been going through the last four months. Mine has not been a husband, but a boyfriend. He moved in with me at the beginning of November 2003. He went off and stabbed me in December, again in January and February. He has totaled my car, blacked my eye, busted my mouth. He escaped from my home where they put him on home incarceration. I have lost my home over the problem and have almost lost my job. I am not one to turn my back on him, but I am at wits end with it. I care very much for him, but I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I just spoke to his counselor and was informed that they are not advocating anything more for him because of all he has put me through. Now I feel like it is my fault he is not going to get the help that he needs. He constanty tells me that he loves me, and really cares about me, then he has the days that he tries to kill me. I have lost several friends because I want to help him. I do not know what I need to do now. I am so confused. I feel like everything that has happened to him lately is my fault. He has never really been in trouble with the police until now. Why have I turned on him or have I? I know I cannot fix anything, but I want to help. No one has ever tried to help him in anyway, until I came into the picture. Now that I have tried, he is into trouble and is losing what little help he had.
Posted by: Johnny Grooms at February 24, 2004 08:11 PM
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so sorry to see that you're going through such a rough time. I'm sending you an email with some resources that may be of help.
Posted by: Cathi at February 26, 2004 08:13 AM
May God make Johnny Groom situation better.
Helping a SZ person is not easy.Perhaps we are ordinary man,weak and powerless if compare with God`s greatness.No blame for you if you leave him.
Posted by: yap chin haw at March 1, 2004 02:21 PM
Unfortunately, I can be that guy sometimes. So I'll tell you from the inside, it's not that we don't realize the harm we do. On the contrary, we go for max harm when in that state, I think, and it's an all-ou lashing out with a taste for tragedy. I feel sorry for you having to deal with it. I don't think there's a solution for you; I've decided not to get into relationships anymore, because of this.
There's more to life than relationships, right?
I saw a movie with a line that made me laugh and laugh. A guy said "women? I became indifferent when I was 83" I'm 38, but I'm with that guy.
Posted by: ONDERDONK at March 3, 2004 08:45 PM
Thank you so much for this comment. I think it is tragic when this type of thing destroys a person's chances of a successful relationship. But you are right - there is more to life than being in love. I commend your understanding of yourself, as well as your ability to live your life as you feel is necessary. I wish you the best with the challenges you face.
Posted by: Cathi at March 4, 2004 08:24 AM
We are in the process of getting my husband diagnosed. First will be a psychometric testing. I just hope to goodness the proper diagnosis will be found, because living like this is difficult. I was encouraged by your He Loves Me (Not), Cathi! I will take that to heart. Having support means a lot.
Thank you!
Posted by: Day at March 7, 2004 01:27 AM
Thank you for your comment! I'll be thinking of you in this difficult time, and the difficult times ahead. I am glad I could encourage you. Feel free to comment here or email me whenever you need support.
Cathi
Posted by: Cathi at March 10, 2004 06:07 AM
my husband of 27 years says he loves me but that he is not in love with me .what is he saying!
Posted by: theresa gonzales at June 7, 2006 04:18 AM
Take tonight as an example:
Two days ago, he was so in love with me. We had fun on Sunday. Went to the fair, won some stuffed animals, watched hypnosis... Then I don't know what in the world happened...
I had this idea that something...something must be the trigger for the complete disconnection. Trust me; I kept track of his days. Everything he did every day.
What happens to him...Who does he talk to? Why does he turn on me, like a pit bull or chow?
Posted by: angelic at August 3, 2006 08:28 AM