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Something I read during my search for meaning in my partnership with Darling struck me deeply. It said: be aware that living with a mentally ill person is stressful. Take time for yourself.
Take time for yourself. Everyone hammers that home these days: Dr. Phil, Oprah, and all other pop-psychologists have told us this. Why don't we listen? Because I believe it is a social paradigm to torture ourselves. We believe somehow that martyrdom makes us better persons.
It doesn't. Martyrdom kills. If we do become better in the process, we only get to experience the better "me" after death. Do you know of any martyr (Christian or otherwise) who survived the ordeal?
Another question I had to ask myself was: would I be any good to either Darling, myself or our son if I continued killing my spirit?
The answer of course is a resounding no.
So what to do?
Answer: Something that makes you happy.
We have to get past the idea that happiness is somehow wrong, or that there is no gain without pain. How much more pain should we take?
One way of eliminating the pain is through finding a hobby. I did this by going back to my schoolgirl years. I enjoyed playing the recorder in primary school. So I decided to dust off my ancient little instrument and try playing it.
Something happened: it has become my silent center of the storm. When everything else gets out of hand, playing the recorder provides me with extraordinary peace.
For us as partners of the mentally ill taking time for ourselves is more important than for most. We have to work at it. We have to make it an ideal. And the rewards are huge not only for ourselves, but for everyone who has to live or work with us.
Posted by cathi at April 1, 2004 07:28 PM | TrackBack
its a good thing that you found something. you gusy need more of happiness in life to keep yourself healthy. its a tough job caring for a mentally ill person, and the best way to do it is by keeping your own health first. take care. love. puzli
Posted by: puzli at April 2, 2004 07:35 AM
thankyou cathi for saying what I really needed to hear, I guess it doesn't matter where I got the idea that suffering isn't a choice, but some kind of prerequisite for a relationship with God, but that's a whole other subject for which I could rable on about. You will never know how grateful, I am that you said what I needed to be told, it's okay to feel good, happy, content,..
even though there are sick people in the world.
I just heard that on PBS, with Wayne Dyer, "you can't be sick enough, to make someone well ", I think it's my way of trying to bond, desperatly, with my husband, like we'll both be sick, then it will be okay. It's like letting go when I have to detach, and that makes me sad, initially, but then I feel good when I do something for myself. A little guilty, but better. Maybe it takes practice?
Posted by: tigercub at April 24, 2004 02:56 AM