Silent Storms

Better than James Brown

Apologies to all. I've been sick, Darling has been sick, my car is sick. Did I hear someone say these things come in threes? So I've not been able to blog here much.

The last three weeks were pretty horrific to me. First, I came down with a flu bug. When I was still in bed with this, Darling came down with another attack of Schiz, after a little more than two weeks of being just wonderful. And just before our schools started the car broke down completely. Imagine. Of course all of this dragged me down, and I became extremely unproductive.

It was a terrible cycle. The car was broken, I was sick and desperate, so I yelled at my already sick Darling, who then yelled back at me, aggravating my already screwy feelings. And the car did not get fixed. Nor did the house get cleaned. There was so much negativity around me that I was getting dragged down into an increasingly filthy pile of psychic sludge.

And then I found a web site. When you subscribe, this site sends you one positive thought for every week day. It includes the thought, a matching affirmation, and a mediation practice to reinforce the thought. Of course this will not be for everyone. But what it did for me is priceless. It lifted me out of a downward spiralling negativity to bring a more positive state of mind to my problems. If interested, you can look at the web site with samples here: http://ifcl.com/subscribe_fpt.shtml

Thinking from a more positive perspective is a powerful tool you can use to keep yourself healthy while trying to be a helpful partner. Sometimes it is good to admit that you need help. And help comes in many shapes and forms. All you need to do is ask.

Thank you again by the way for everybody's thoughts, comments and prayers. They are deeply appreciated. I feel much better now, although I'm still somewhat slimy in the lung and nasal areas. But at least I can make it through a work day without being completely destroyed.

Also by the way, Darling is on his way back from zany land. This is good.

It's Alive

Thank you everyone for your kind thoughts and words. I'm a little better now. I still have a nagging cough, but at least I can sit up without turning my brain to soup.

The situation at home is currently kind of stressful. Darling has taken a turn into madness again, and it's all we can do to keep from strangling each other.

Living with a schiz partner is an exercise in dashed hopes. Last year, Darling has been committed to an institution twice. We had a doctor who gave us hope and then dashed these hopes by doing none of the follow-up work he said he would.

I'm trying my best to deal. I found it works well when I do not react to whatever he says that upsets me. Anger just escalates anger.

I'm being incoherent, I feel. When sanity and complete health returns, I'll be better.

I don't know if I'll be blogging again this week, but from next week, the schedule should be on track again. I just wanted to indicate that I'm still alive.

Thanks everyone.

I'm sick!

I'm sick sick sick. Flu. I'm sitting here alternately sweating all my bodily fluids away and freezing them all into my shivering skin. If it were a physical possibility, my lungs would have been coughed out by now.

So I'm sorry, but my next blog will happen only next Thursday. I was immobile up till now.

Probably I'll work this in as a theme.

Later!

Time for Yourself: find a hobby

Something I read during my search for meaning in my partnership with Darling struck me deeply. It said: be aware that living with a mentally ill person is stressful. Take time for yourself.

Take time for yourself. Everyone hammers that home these days: Dr. Phil, Oprah, and all other pop-psychologists have told us this. Why don't we listen? Because I believe it is a social paradigm to torture ourselves. We believe somehow that martyrdom makes us better persons.

It doesn't. Martyrdom kills. If we do become better in the process, we only get to experience the better "me" after death. Do you know of any martyr (Christian or otherwise) who survived the ordeal?

Another question I had to ask myself was: would I be any good to either Darling, myself or our son if I continued killing my spirit?

The answer of course is a resounding no.

So what to do?

Answer: Something that makes you happy.

We have to get past the idea that happiness is somehow wrong, or that there is no gain without pain. How much more pain should we take?

One way of eliminating the pain is through finding a hobby. I did this by going back to my schoolgirl years. I enjoyed playing the recorder in primary school. So I decided to dust off my ancient little instrument and try playing it.

Something happened: it has become my silent center of the storm. When everything else gets out of hand, playing the recorder provides me with extraordinary peace.

For us as partners of the mentally ill taking time for ourselves is more important than for most. We have to work at it. We have to make it an ideal. And the rewards are huge not only for ourselves, but for everyone who has to live or work with us.